OK, I am struggling with some history here.

[Metalhead]

I know that both my mother and my aunt were raped by their uncle when they were children. And I know their mother, my grandmother, told them to just get over it when they were just kids.

Details like this make me unable to hate them for what they have become. But I cannot change them.

My family is rotten to the core. I am negotiating a roommate situation currently on the other side of the country, but I also do not want to leave my decent social life here behind. Some of my 12 step friends here are seriously decent people.

 

[Aspychata]

You are negotiating your life story right now. But l can say it's expensive wherever you go. Just sleep on your decision before you decide to move. Sometimes running away doesn't always work. Sometimes uping your boundaries is a easier choice. A social life is very important and it sounds like you have that. Your mom and aunt are grownups and they are responsible for their own internal growth. It still never gave them the right to abuse and mistreat you, (and it was horrible what you went thru). Just make sure you are moving for a change and not moving to run away. Just a thought for you.

 

[Thinx]

This sounds tough. What do you like about the idea of moving, what are you likely to enjoy and prefer about it? If you give up the idea, are you happy to live with how your mother is behaving towards you now, all these years on from the abuse? She seems to, like her mother, have accepted and minimised abuse towards you in your family, does this continue to affect you, or do you feel free of her influence? Would moving give you a better chance of thriving?

There probably will be a downside either way. But also an upside, either way. You don't have to hate your mother and the other abusive family members, but I guess you do have to think about whether you are enjoying living near them, and what being near your family has offered you over the years. What do your supportive friends think about this, how do they see it?

 

[Metalhead]

My supportive friends are telling me I am right not to hate my family for what they went through, but I am also right not to accept that BS in my own life. I have a chance to break the generational curse for myself.

The thing keeping me in this area are my supportive friends. If it were not for them, I would be dead today. That is not hyperbole.

This is a tough area I am in, but I suppose it is better to talk about it here and with my friends RL than it is to buy a case of beer over it all.

 

[VictorR]

Would you be self sufficient (financial, social, support and otherwise) in the other community you're thinking of?

Is there some way to perhaps try things out (e.g. take a leave from your employment while holding onto your current accomodation arrangement) for a little bit to see if it's something that might work for you, so that way you're not fully committed and can come back if it turns out to not work for you?

 

[Metalhead]

Would you be self sufficient (financial, social, support and otherwise) in the other community you're thinking of?

Is there some way to perhaps try things out (e.g. take a leave from your employment while holding onto your current accomodation arrangement) for a little bit to see if it's something that might work for you, so that way you're not fully committed and can come back if it turns out to not work for you?

Seeing as I am the glue that keeps together the motion at my current office job, I doubt they would be willing to accommodate that for me.

Ah, well:

 

[VictorR]

Seeing as I am the glue that keeps together the motion at my current office job, I doubt they would be willing to accommodate that for me.

Ah, well:

Not necessarily, if the alternative is losing you right away and permanently. A good employer would not chase a good employee away, but be open to supporting them in their needs.

 

[Metalhead]

I am coming to terms with the fact that I had zero autonomy over my body when I was a child. I was molested by both my aunt and my mother. But when I formed a friendship with a gay classmate in middle school, my mother found out about that and put a stop to that very quickly, while telling me I would not understand why she did not want me to hang with this friend any longer.

I can dwell on this forever or I can move on.

 

[Aspychata]

I am coming to terms with the fact that I had zero autonomy over my body when I was a child. I was molested by both my aunt and my mother. But when I formed a friendship with a gay classmate in middle school, my mother found out about that and put a stop to that very quickly, while telling me I would not understand why she did not want me to hang with this friend any longer.

I can dwell on this forever or I can move on.

It's okay. Just keep talking about this until you feel ready. Maybe not forgiveness, but maybe release the anger.

 

[Metalhead]

It's okay. Just keep talking about this until you feel ready. Maybe not forgiveness, but maybe release the anger.

Yeah, when I was in high school, my mother would always grope my ass and then laugh at me when she saw my entire body cringe whenever she did that. She claimed I was making a big deal out of nothing and that I had such a cute butt, she could not help but to grope it. She saw nothing wrong with this, when the fact is if a father did that to his daughter she would pull out the pitchforks.

She will deny all of this today and claim I remember things differently than they actually happened. She says that when I talk about how my aunt abused me and coerced me into acts of bestiality just because she thought that would be funny at the time.

I can only save myself here.

 

[Aspychata]

She is horrible, horrible, horrible.
It's a family tragedy.
I can't believe you talk to her. I stayed away from my step-father. l finally confronted him, which he then denied. But l walked around with the shame of what he did for many years. Then the family turned on me. Unreal, you scratch your head and think, what happened in my lifetime. Then you have trolls who line up in your face and try to blame you. Get lost, that's what l say. It's not our fault, we are not to blame for this. We are just innocent kids.

 

[Metalhead]

She is horrible, horrible, horrible.
It's a family tragedy.
I can't believe you talk to her. I stayed away from my step-father. Once l finally confronted him, which he denied. Then the family turned on me. Unreal, you scratch your head and think, what happened in my lifetime. Then you have trolls who line up in your face and try to blame you. Get lost, that's what l say. It's not our fault, we are not to blame for this. We are just innocent kids.

When I first told my mother her sister sexually abused me, my mother’s knee jerk reaction was to tell me I did not understand how unhappy my aunt was. It was only when I made it clear I would not attend family gatherings where my aunt was present that my mother decided to start telling people that just because I believed in all my heart and soul I was abused, it did not mean the abuse actually happened.

 

[Shamar]

I know that both my mother and my aunt were raped by their uncle when they were children. And I know their mother, my grandmother, told them to just get over it when they were just kids.

Details like this make me unable to hate them for what they have become. But I cannot change them.

My family is rotten to the core. I am negotiating a roommate situation currently on the other side of the country, but I also do not want to leave my decent social life here behind. Some of my 12 step friends here are seriously decent people.

We have both been here about the same amount of time, and I feel I have gotten to know you pretty well. You have been through Hell. I have watched your conflicts with your family, and have followed your ongoing recovery from alcoholism (I like to think I may have helped a little there). And I have watched you growing more and more stronger and independent. Moving away like that is a big step. As you say, your support group will no longer be around. It is a big, scary world out there (I have seen a lot more of it than most, both good and bad). I fear it could overwhelm you and cause a relapse. I suggest you think about it very carefully, and if you are truly ready, then go for it.

 

[Metalhead]

Adding more to this story, my aunt abused one of my female cousins repeatedly when she was a young child. When this female cousin refused to invite this aunt to her wedding, both my mother and my grandmother made a scene about how petty she was acting and about how sad it was this aunt was being excluded.

These people are insane.

 

[Metalhead]

Yeah, one incident between myself and my mother really stands out in my mind now.

When I first bought a round trip plane ticket to visit a man who was a long distance relationship of mine, I refused to give my mother his phone number because I knew she would call him and try to size him up.

When I first met with my mother after that trip, she demanded to know if I had sex with this man, then she started to cry and claim she needed to know all of this because she loved me when I told her that was inappropriate.

She denies this ever happened now. I guess it is convenient for her that I have an autism diagnosis - she can make a massive show of how much she is willing to fight for me while at the same time tell everybody not to take a single word I say seriously.

 

[Aspychata]

So sad. I hope you are able to move on. You being successful is the best revenge.

 

[Metalhead]

So sad. I hope you are able to move on. You being successful is the best revenge.

My mother made it clear she does not want me to be successful. She does not want me to take college courses. When I had my film criticism website one decade ago, she intentionally made sure I was unavailable for my scheduled weekly updates - that involved a few bait and switch plots on her end when she promised me I would be home in time for that, but when the time came she claimed she was too tired to take me home so I had to not update my site when I said I was going to.

I hate her.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Trauma is kind of the ungift that keeps on ungifting.

If you ever look into the upbringing of some of the worst human beings who have ever lived (I do it all the time, it's one of my obsessions), you're never going to find happy parents who stayed together, treated their children with respect and supported them until adulthood. Really, it's more like the exact opposite, leading me to believe that most of us are just programmed to behave a certain way based on our upbringing - unless we go through some kind of deep, introspective shift of some sort (most people don't do this until middle age, if at all).

If you've been through hell and your inclination is to still show kindness to other human beings, you're quite possibly the exception. If you do everything in your power to not perpetuate the evil that was done to you, you're breaking the cycle. This is worth way more than you might realize, because you're not succumbing to that same trauma and letting it manifest again. If everybody could be like you, the world would be a much better place.

 

[Storm Hess]

I try to not hate my family for the way they are and sometimes even provide excuses for their ignorance and historic cruelty. Yet, I catch myself and do my best to stay ahead of it and move forward. That's why I have limited contact with them. As much as this may sound horrible to some...I'm happier for it. I did not have a good childhood..but, oh well, can't take back the years. Can only look forward to better ones.

 

[Aspychata]

My mother made it clear she does not want me to be successful. She does not want me to take college courses. When I had my film criticism website one decade ago, she intentionally made sure I was unavailable for my scheduled weekly updates - that involved a few bait and switch plots on her end when she promised me I would be home in time for that, but when the time came she claimed she was too tired to take me home so I had to not update my site when I said I was going to.

I hate her.

I get your anger. I get your hatred. I just was minus the mother, so l didn't have quite the brainwashing you did. You are seeing that you are a intelligent loveable man ONCE you left her vicious cycle of brainwashing. The predators have to keep you in that loop SO as to control you. Once you break free of the THEIR programming, you are free. At this point, your mom will never have control of you like that again because you see it clearly now.

Now it's just stepping up to the plate and taking control of your life back. What are you doing today to take control? You are helping me also on my journey. I have taken steps, they were painful, each and everyone, but l am grateful to you.