Ok, so here is the big dilemma involving my mother and the rest of the family.

[Metalhead]

When I was 2, I was diagnosed with autism and the doctors told my mother that I would be better off in state care. My mother said no to that, and for that much, I am grateful.

But because of that, my family holds on to the belief that she has always been my number one advocate and that I should never feel resentful over her many obscene boundary violations throughout my life. I know my life would have been a lot worse without her decisions to keep me home with her. But does that excuse all of her actions?

 

[Kisa the tea]

I don't have any advice to give unfortunately but that absolutely does not excuse her actions! "Things could be worse" is a horrible argument for someone's pain and parents shouldn't treat their children like that, regardless of what they may have done for kids in the past. From what you've said on here your mum doesn't sound like your number one supporter at all. It's sad your family sees her that way.

 

[Rodafina]

But does that excuse all of her actions?

No. Absolutely not.

 

[Rodafina]

But because of that, my family holds on to the belief that she has always been my number one advocate and that I should never feel resentful over her many obscene boundary violations throughout my life.

They don’t know what it has been like to be you, having your boundaries constantly violated.

 

[Metalhead]

I am very much certain that my mother has convinced everybody else in the family that because I had an early autism diagnosis, that means that basic human rights should never be applied to me.

Yeah, things would have been a lot worse for me in state care. I acknowledge that.

 

[Metalhead]

Yeah, when I mentioned to my stepfather how much it hurt me that my mother was telling people I was never sexually abused as a child, he shouted at me that my life would have been total crap without her.

There is no winning for me here.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Not everyone agrees on this, and this might in part be framed by my autistic frame of mind, but here is how I see this.

Unless you expressly agree on some sort of exchange or debt, you don't "owe" anyone anything (yes, that goes for parents and children as well). Your mother made her decision when you were two years old, and either non-verbal or barely verbal so there is no way she asked your opinion on her choice. If you think it's the right choice now, and you are glad she made it, then that's great, and it's nice that she did one good thing as opposed to her numerous serious violations of your personhood.

However, you don't owe her anything back. In fact, you are a grown man who lives by himself, and you don't owe her a thing, unless you are paying off a loan she gave you or something. If you are under her yoke, it is your prerogative to escape her influence as she won't let you go out of the blue. You have made a lot of great steps in just the last few months. Keep going, and don't let her influence you, as you know full well she only seeks to diminish and control you.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

As a father, I can say my daughter never asked me to be born. I decided that with my wife and its OUR responsability to take care of our daughter and do our best so she can be an independent healthy adult. It was our decision and our responsability.

From my perspective your mom did some goods and many bads. And its YOUR choice to let her be part of your life or not.

When you pass your choices to others so they can decide for you, you are renouncing to be human to become a pupet.

You should be deciding that yourself. You dont need your family to decide things for you. You dont need your mom to decide things for you. You dont need us to decide things for you. You are an adult.

 

[Gerontius]

You're still talking to this person?

 

[Metalhead]

You're still talking to this person?

I should move to Michigan, far away from her.

Yes, my life would have been a billion times worse if she handed me over to state care.

That does not give her a free pass to piss all over me today.

 

[Metalhead]

I let her violate me ever since I became an adult. That is my own responsibility. I knew the reason she kept me out of state care was not for my own well being but for my mother’s own appearances. She wanted to present an image that she was always willing to fight for me, while at the same time telling people not to listen to me. The entire blood family buys that image she is selling.

Time to move far away.

 

[Gerontius]

Michigan sounds nice.

 

[Metalhead]

A new job, a new life elsewhere. Geographical cures do not work by themselves, though.

 

[Metalhead]

What I need is not a geographical cure. What I need is a complete emotional divorce from the image my entire blood family has of me.

 

[Metalhead]

I own that I am not a retard or a gimp.

I own that I am capable of making my own decisions.

I own that I know what I want out of life and who I want to be.

I own that I allowed naysayers to plant seeds of doubt in my mind. I let myself be gaslighted.

I own that it is up to me to be my own individual person, to break the generational trauma for myself.

 

[Rodafina]

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Remember; hurt, People, hurt People. Hence patterns of multigenerational abuse. That is sad. While your mom's behavior is unconscionable, it may be understandable.

 

[Metalhead]

Remember; hurt, People, hurt People. Hence patterns of multigenerational abuse. That is sad. While your mom's behavior is unconscionable, it may be understandable.

Yes, I am aware my mother was also abused when she was a child and that her abuser is still very much welcome at all large family gatherings to this day. Sweeping sex abuse under the rug is what usually happens in her family tree. That does not mean I have to play by those rules.

 

[Gerontius]

Yes, I am aware my mother was also abused when she was a child and that her abuser is still very much welcome at all large family gatherings to this day. Sweeping sex abuse under the rug is what usually happens in her family tree. That does not mean I have to play by those rules.

The Catholic church has a problem with sweeping sexual abuse under the rug too. Ask me about it! I remember the uproar when the scandal hit--it was something Not to be Talked About among the "good people." The sad part was that I can go find you some people who are more ready to leap to the defense of an institution than to investigate the cause of the victims. Large families, societies secular and religious, the military, the church--if you get a group of people with a cause, frequently the cause is held up to outweigh the needs of justice. This is particularly awful in the case of a family or anything where the society exists only for the benefits of the people inside it.
You're absolutely right about not playing with those rules. They are so busy insisting you march to their drum that they forget about the discordant effect this is having on the band.

The old geographical cure (catching the next train or airplane to Michigan) might help you out a lot but at the same time you have to leave behind a lot of this stuff otherwise you'll be traumatized and shoveling lake effect snow.

 

[Rodafina]

That does not mean I have to play by those rules

This is how the vicious cycle of hurt people hurting people is broken. It takes all the strength and might that you are showing now. Stay strong. Stay true. Those rules are not for you.