Parents with Asperger's view on punishment

[wyverary]

Spanking didn't work on me. Ever. (There's my brief anecdote. )

 

[Granta_Omega]

I have a lot of emotional baggage from my childhood about the way I was treated by my parents, but none of it is from being spanked.

Most of it is from put downs and my dad's outright refusal to ever acknowledge anything positive about the way I behaved as a child, but gave plenty of input over what he didn't like about my behavior. They also made decisions that effected the family behind my back even when I was an older teenager and young adult. Such as, they decided once that they were going to take custody of my adoptive siblings other sibling who was across the country, and I didn't even know about it until my mom was already on a plane over there to go get her. When I complained about it, I was told to stop being so selfish.

My mom also made constant excuses for my father's anger and rage behaviors such as saying he didn't really mean it or calling me a hypocrite as a teenager because I get angry all the time too.

When I was 19, I mentioned to my mom that I was never complimented or praised by my dad growing up, and she said I was full of nonsense. Then I asked her to name some compliments I got growing up. She said she couldn't think of all them off the top of her head. I asked her then to just name one. She couldn't think of any. Later when I brought it up, she said it was because she was distracted at the time because my brothers weren't behaving.

 

[wyverary]

I am sorry to hear that. Emotional neglect may not be on the same level as outright abuse, but it can still be quite pernicious.

 

[Dawn Marcotte]

We tried spanking our child only once - she looked at me and said, "Is that it, can I go now?"

Obviously not a very good punishment. We learned however that if we took her books away it was much more effective. Now having said that we didn't do it often and only when she broke a safety rule - we know that she had trouble understanding why she was expected to sit through dinner without fidgeting or why she needed to look at people when she spoke to them - those things didn't warrant a punishment, just some careful redirection and accomodations.

However if she refused to buckle in the car or started hitting people we would remove her books from her room for a specific amount of time - it worked wonders.

 

[dragonwolf]

I have a lot of emotional baggage from my childhood about the way I was treated by my parents, but none of it is from being spanked.

Most of it is from put downs and my dad's outright refusal to ever acknowledge anything positive about the way I behaved as a child, but gave plenty of input over what he didn't like about my behavior. They also made decisions that effected the family behind my back even when I was an older teenager and young adult. Such as, they decided once that they were going to take custody of my adoptive siblings other sibling who was across the country, and I didn't even know about it until my mom was already on a plane over there to go get her. When I complained about it, I was told to stop being so selfish.

My mom also made constant excuses for my father's anger and rage behaviors such as saying he didn't really mean it or calling me a hypocrite as a teenager because I get angry all the time too.

When I was 19, I mentioned to my mom that I was never complimented or praised by my dad growing up, and she said I was full of nonsense. Then I asked her to name some compliments I got growing up. She said she couldn't think of all them off the top of her head. I asked her then to just name one. She couldn't think of any. Later when I brought it up, she said it was because she was distracted at the time because my brothers weren't behaving.

I had the same experience growing up (except my mom wasn't in denial about her boyfriend's behavior, in part because he did it to her, too). He was quite the misogynist, too. We were wrong about everything, solely because we were female, and I was doubly wrong, because I was a kid (he got his comeuppance on that one once; we were friends with the meteorologist for the local new station we watched in the house, and after her boyfriend told us we were wrong about the meaning of weather watches vs warnings, we sweet-talked the meteorologist into covertly setting him straight on air; the look on her boyfriend's face was priceless).

He was a lecturer, too. I'd take my mom's spankings (yes, even with a slotted wooden spoon, which stings more than a solid wooden spoon or hand) over his lectures any day, though, because I could deal with it and get on with my life, instead of having to sit for who-knows-how-long (because heaven forbid I look at a clock during a lecture) while he beat into my brain how much of a failure I was. It was usually stupid stuff, too, like not going out to crush the cans the instant he told me to (at least one of those times was because I was doing something he had already told me to do and was almost done).

It also wasn't uncommon for him to criticize what I had done or didn't do during a school performance. Heaven forbid I act like a six year old and give a playful nudge to the person next to me while waiting to start a song for choir. Nope, that ruined my whole performance and nothing I did right before or after that was good enough to make up for that horrible transgression.

And people wonder why I get hung up when something doesn't go right. Yeah, it's been a couple of decades, but those were formative years, and it's so deeply rooted that it takes a lot of time and effort to even begin to undo.

But yeah, I'm okay with spanking when used properly. Every form of punishment/discipline has the risk of being abused (as does positive reinforcement). I consider "proper" use to be not used blindly, and after other methods fail, and don't escalate if it doesn't work. In other words, use your brain (why does this even need to be said, really about anything?).

One of the things I decided to do as a parent was to avoid the whole "because I'm the parent, and I said so." That, to me, has always been a cop-out. People in general are more likely to follow rules if the logic of the rules make sense. For some rules, the logic is pretty inherent, but for the ones that are less obvious, it's good to have a real explanation. This helps, in my opinion, to make better rules and avoid ones that are, quite simply put, stupid. When you have to justify the logic behind a rule, it's a lot harder to make arbitrary rules, and makes it less likely the person who's supposed to be following them will break them. If you can't come up with a good reason for a rule, then perhaps it's not a good rule to begin with.

 

[CleopatrasAsp]

I was abused with spanking growing up, but I'm not anti-spanking. I'm anti-improper spanking. Spanking is not inherently abusive. When done lovingly, and with clear explanations, it can be an effective tool when nothing else works. We've sometimes joked that our son has a "reset" button on his bum. And honestly, he prefers it and it's more effective than grounding or removing privileges. He's not yet diagnosed as Aspie, but we're pretty sure of his diagnosis. Whether it's Asperger's or not, he has some sort of blockage to his thought process that prevents him from thinking about any other time period than NOW. Grounding doesn't make sense to him, because half the time he can't remember what he's grounded for, and he sees it as his parents just being mean to him and it injures our relationship. Spanking provides instant feedback on his behavior, which he needs. Now that he's pretty much too old for them, we haven't found another method yet that works as well.

And I have sometimes played the "I'm the mum and I said so" card, which I so hated when I was growing up--but only because otherwise there would be arguments, tantrums, angry tears, grudges, and hours if not days worth of nasty attitudes and bad behavior. The "because I said so" is inarguable, and short-circuits the whole argument routine. I'm happy to offer explanations at a later time, when the attitude has improved, but if I offer them at the time, I get nothing but arguments and grief. If you present explanations, he just has more points to argue instead of just getting on with it. Not worth it.

 

[AsheSkyler]

And I have sometimes played the "I'm the mum and I said so" card, which I so hated when I was growing up--but only because otherwise there would be arguments, tantrums, angry tears, grudges, and hours if not days worth of nasty attitudes and bad behavior. The "because I said so" is inarguable, and short-circuits the whole argument routine. I'm happy to offer explanations at a later time, when the attitude has improved, but if I offer them at the time, I get nothing but arguments and grief. If you present explanations, he just has more points to argue instead of just getting on with it. Not worth it.

Definitely something that varies per kid and requires adaptive parenting. It was the opposite with me, if I had an explanation I was more likely to do whatever it was. Didn't work too well with some subjects in school, no explanation was good enough outside "school is a game, get the high score so you can get out and not deal with it again since this probably is the only time you'll deal with it". Which I guess was pretty effective, it did get me to do those useless subjects.

We've sometimes joked that our son has a "reset" button on his bum.

I've heard that's also where the memory button is located, and should you walk into a room and forget why you were there, you will not remember until you sit down in another room. So, the cure for short-term memory loss is to press your bottom until you remember what you were looking for.

 

[dakota dorner]

After a long time simnering my mother just blew her top. She yelled at me for swearing at my sister and i had a terrible headache and told her to stop talking. I had to go to my room. Later on in the night she came into my room and yelled at me she has all the power and none I cannot avoid her into doing anything. And she said not she knows she is going "against the grain" by yelling at me but she did not care. I told not at all I knew that she knew exactly what she was doing and she was going to get no progress in discouraging me out of it. And she has resorted to threatening to "take things away". Anybody know how I should deal with her? Not willing to change. .i am like the English longbow, I I bend only to those who can properly handle me.

 

[Spiller]

I've heard that's also where the memory button is located, and should you walk into a room and forget why you were there, you will not remember until you sit down in another room. So, the cure for short-term memory loss is to press your bottom until you remember what you were looking for.

I've had this happen many times myself and I will certainly try it for the sake of experimentation, but I'm not sure that fiddling with your bum in public is the best thing to let others see you doing though?

 

[AsheSkyler]

I've had this happen many times myself and I will certainly try it for the sake of experimentation, but I'm not sure that fiddling with your bum in public is the best thing to let others see you doing though?

As my grandmother frequently told me (and thus, traumatized me with mental images) "Scratch it where it itches, not where it looks the best."

 

[Spiller]

As my grandmother frequently told me (and thus, traumatized me with mental images) "Scratch it where it itches, not where it looks the best."

Even when you get that irresistable, hoik your finger right up there, itch?.. c'mon Ashe, ya gotta maintain some decency.. find an alley, or a public loo, hun.. I'm feeling traumatised myself now

 

[AsheSkyler]

Even when you get that irresistable, hoik your finger right up there, itch?.. c'mon Ashe, ya gotta maintain some decency.. find an alley, or a public loo, hun.. I'm feeling traumatised myself now

That's what I was thinking. Save the embarrassment of both yourself and strangers! Hide yer bum before you go mining!

 

[Dawn Marcotte]

We learned early on that 'punishment' really didn't work for our AS child. Direct consequences however did. We also modified our expectations for behavior once we got the diagnosis (she was in kindergarten) We would work on one behavior at a time (sitting still was a big one) until she was able to master it - then moved on to another behavior.

As for consequences, if we asked her to do something we made sure she understood why it needed to be done and what would happen if she didn't

I.e. if you leave your toys outside overnight they will get damaged, you need to bring them in. If Mommy has to bring them in I will take them away for tomorrow.

I won't say it worked all the time, but it was a lot better then, "just do it because I am the mom and I said so."

 

[Annie White]

i use "TOY JAIL"!
i have a three year old and she is a very well behaved kid for her age. She does have moments of defiance, but the stern use of the word "toy jail" or "go to your room FOR 5 MINUTES" is a good way to stop something before it starts.
Sometimes i do have to give her a butt swat if its nessacary (she knows this too and tattles on me to my parents when she visits, "i got a butt swat today.")
The most important thing i do, everytime she gets in trouble is i tell her she is still a good kid, when the punishment is over.
i dont want her to feel that shes a bad person because she got in trouble, like i did as a kid.

"Sometimes good people make bad mistakes, and smart people make dumb choices. Youre still very good and still very smart and i love you".

the basic quote after getting in trouble. i always explain to her WHY she was in trouble. i am not perfect.

as a kid i was verbally, emotionally and physically abused. I never got this. i thought i was a bad kid and i got into a lot of trouble because of it. of course it was "all my fault" too. i wont have any of that in the way my house is ran or my family is raised. Thankdully my parents are better grandparents, so i feel like i can forgive them.

i am an autistic single mother... next time an idiot wants to think we cant be or couldnt be good parents.

 

[IrishAspie]

I think something many of may have in common is that we all got punished quite a bit at school or at home as children, but that it also rarely or never worked. To me, a threat of a punishment for not behaving was almost the same as a threat of a punishment for a young child who can't pass Quantum Physics.

I think maybe the few times it stopped me from misbehaving were times such as when I got a detention in middle school for interrupting the teacher with a rude comment. Another time was when I was six and I told my dad I didn't have to go to bed because he said, and then I got a spanking so I realized it would happen again for refusing to go to bed.

However, most of the time it was just behavior problems I think it was not practical to ask me to control without giving me the right tools on how to handle them. I think most of the times I got grounded it never helped me change.

So if parents who gone through a similar journey such as that, would they still punish their children for not behaving? If so, why? If not, what are different methods of behavior management that have worked?

I've never hit my kids and never will, I was hit pretty regularly and never felt it was fair or right or that it made a damn bit of difference.
My kids get sent to their room or have toys/computer time etc taken away. They never get into trouble in school and are far better behaved than other kids I see around the place.
When I see or hear of anyone hurting a child I generally want to knock them the %£$ out.

 

[Ste11aeres]

It was learned very quickly that the ridiculous "time out" method did not work on me. I was perfectly content to be alone, I'd have a great time daydreaming, playing with a rock, or whatever. I remember one time in school the teacher was mad about something and put me on the fence at recess as punishment. She nearly had to drag me off when my time was up because I'd rather play with the sticks, rocks, and bugs I'd found in my little quiet spot away from all those brats and the creepy kid that pinned me down with his older sister.

I really dislike "time-outs" used as a punishment because it seems based on the idea that solitude is bad.
Solitude is good!

 

[IrishAspie]

I really dislike "time-outs" used as a punishment because it seems based on the idea that solitude is bad.
Solitude is good!

LOL: solitide is good if you choose it, Personally I'd love to be sent away to be alone for misbehaving

Kids generally dont like the idea of being excluded or seperated and they get the idea that I'm here because I did something wrong so it highlights it to them.
ALso remember these are small kids and they get bored easily so sitting on a step etc fora few minutes with nothing to do seems like forever. It's far from a perfect solution but each child is differnet and you need to see whats effective in each case.

 

[Larisa]

In my childhood I was consumed in acting on my inner fantasies or just spoke the truth I saw (which considered 'rude') - and I did not understand why I was being hit by my parents.
I was taught this way to be silent and to sit on the spot as much as possible.
And I was afraid of my parents till their death.
Concerning a lecture - I would have prefered that over beating - at least if a person specified what they wanted and expected of me it's much easier to consider.
The scary 'lecturer' that AsheSkyler has mentioned is an abuser who talked just for stating theit control and feeling their power. This behaviour is not about punishment for certain actions, so I doubt that one beating would have stopped this verbal abusing - but if a person strikes someone once, they may feel more at ease to strike again.

 

[Harrison]

My mother would have meltdowns and I was the butt of her anger until I was around 12. I became the total opposite with my own children, although they said I was 'scary' when I just looked at them In truth they were well behaved kids and didn't really need correcting, they understood their boundaries.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I do not understand and have never understood corporeal punishment, that's like saying "I can't win the argument on its merits and I'm not going to teach you now so I'll hit you instead to make you quiet. Because I can." Not something I'd want to teach a child, and not something I taught my child. Timeouts worked just fine, although occasionally I also took the power cord as well.