Partner still very attached to ex wife

[Suzette]

Its sad to admit that I have got this far in life without really fully understanding what emotional availability is & am only starting to understand it now.

You know, this misunderstanding is really just part of maturing and learning. Most of us, including allistic folk, learn what emotional availability and intimacy is when our needs aren't met.

It is sort of like "I ate rocks and my stomach is full but I am still hungry."

 

[Perpetually_confused]

You could simply tell him "pick one" and see what happens. If he really wants you, he'll pick you. If he doesn't or isn't able to make a choice, you know where you stand.

Yeah I have considered this and I may possibly do this, will need to think it over.

Part of me thinks though that even if he did say he chooses me, he still lives with her & will probably still continue to be close with her. He is not financially independent at the moment.

My gut feeling really is that they are both still very attached to each other, even though she is in a relationship she continues to reach out to him, she doesn't respect when we are together & will message him when she knows we are having time together. I have found this to be disrespectful, as if I was in a friendship situation with an ex & I really cared about them and wanted the best for them, I would be respectful & not try to interfere in their relationship time & opportunities for their relationship to flourish. The fact that she also reached out to him for emotional support when she had an argument with her partner I found to be very unsettling & I did communicate to him that I would not tolerate him talking to her or getting emotional support from her if we were to have an argument. I am not sure if he reaches out to her for emotional support - he is quite unemotional anyway and not in touch with his feelings, I think he probably keeps a lot to himself, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors...

It takes me a long time to process things & I have had all these thoughts & concerns running around in my head but it is good to see them written down in this thread as things are becoming a lot clearer to me now.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

You know, this misunderstanding is really just part of maturing and learning. Most of us, including allistic folk, learn what emotional availability and intimacy is when our needs aren't met.

It is sort of like "I ate rocks and my stomach is full but I am still hungry."

Thanks I appreciate that. I actually was single for a very long time before this & I think it has stunted my opportunities to develop & gain experience in relationships. If anything I have learned a huge amount from this experience about my needs in relationships and what I need from a partner.

 

[Forest Cat]

Yeah I have considered this and I may possibly do this, will need to think it over.

Part of me thinks though that even if he did say he chooses me, he still lives with her & will probably still continue to be close with her. He is not financially independent at the moment.

Yeah now that I think about it, an ultimatum doesn't really solve much. He seems to be so close with her and that doesn't just stop overnight. I don't know, it's tricky. But it seems clear that he is not giving you what you want. He seems to be more into open relationships and such.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

Yeah now that I think about it, an ultimatum doesn't really solve much. He seems to be so close with her and that doesn't just stop overnight. I don't know, it's tricky. But it seems clear that he is not giving you what you want. He seems to be more into open relationships and such.

Yes it could be another year & I'm still in the same situation.

I think that is the crux of it, he is definitely more into the idea of an open relationship but I'm not sure he really understands fully how that would work because he's not declaring that he is still in a relationship with his ex.

I think essentially that is what he wants - an open relationship. I might possibly have tried it with him if the circumstances weren't so murky. Although again - not sure if I have the energy, open relationships do seem to take a lot of work.

 

[Cutesie]

.
I think that is the crux of it, he is definitely more into the idea of an open relationship but I'm not sure he really understands fully how that would work because he's not declaring that he is still in a relationship with his ex.

While us observers don't know the guy, I tend to give him the benefit the doubt that he isn't being intentionally dishonest. When he says that the relationship with his ex is like siblings, it might be that he truly he of it this way. Some of the emotional support that he gives to her would be normal for siblings. He might not think of himself as being polyamorous at all. If this is the case, he needs some serious education about what is expected and appropriate, but like you said, he's not a bad person.

 

[Aspychata]

If you were to get serious such as live with him ,then the other situationship may cease to exist. But if he is financially dependent then that is somewhat the issue. Maybe he has a codependent attachment. l definitely deal with codependent issues, and l still am involved with a past partner. Alot of it is they need a certain amount of help, and they help me in turn, and we do get along emotionally. Nobody in my dating pool can do the same for me. Sometimes to get by on my own is too much of a daily struggle for me.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

While us observers don't know the guy, I tend to give him the benefit the doubt that he isn't being intentionally dishonest. When he says that the relationship with his ex is like siblings, it might be that he truly he of it this way. Some of the emotional support that he gives to her would be normal for siblings. He might not think of himself as being polyamorous at all. If this is the case, he needs some serious education about what is expected and appropriate, but like you said, he's not a bad person.

Yes he is genuinely a good guy & I don't believe he is being intentionally dishonest either. In all other areas of our relationship he is actually really dependable & very caring. Because he's so detached from his emotions & still spends so much time with his ex, I wonder if he also hasn't fully processed the relationship and obviously I can't do this for him.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

If you were to get serious such as live with him ,then the other situationship may cease to exist. But if he is financially dependent then that is somewhat the issue. Maybe he has a codependent attachment. l definitely deal with codependent issues, and l still am involved with a past partner. Alot of it is they need a certain amount of help, and they help me in turn, and we do get along emotionally. Nobody in my dating pool can do the same for me. Sometimes to get by on my own is too much of a daily struggle for me.

Yes I was wondering about codependency too. I wonder if she helps him financially & he helps her emotionally. I am also a recovering codependent which is why I know I have put up with this dynamic for so long. Its not really healthy though because when you continue to support someone in this manner you are essentially impeding their own personal growth & ability to move forward in life independently as well as creating a dependence on you. It is actually a form of control disguised as being helpful and leads to a lot of misery.
If she hadn't been helping him financially for the last several years, maybe he would be able to stand on his own two feet & we would have had more of a chance at a healthy relationship with each other.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

Yes I was wondering about codependency too. I wonder if she helps him financially & he helps her emotionally. I am also a recovering codependent which is why I know I have put up with this dynamic for so long. Its not really healthy though because when you continue to support someone in this manner you are essentially impeding their own personal growth & ability to move forward in life independently as well as creating a dependence on you. It is actually a form of control disguised as being helpful and leads to a lot of misery.
If she hadn't been helping him financially for the last several years, maybe he would be able to stand on his own two feet & we would have had more of a chance at a healthy relationship with each other.

Sorry if sounded like a bit of a know-it-all here (codependency still keeps creeping up), I'm just feeling some anger towards his 'ex'.

 

[Tom]

If I was very attached to the person I think that situation would be too complicated for me and prone to continual stress/uncertainty and I would try and disengage. Plus if they are very dependent on the Ex, it may mean it will be that way with you. Are you prepared or willing for that? If it was just a casual dating situation it might be ok.

 

[Suzette]

Sorry if sounded like a bit of a know-it-all here (codependency still keeps creeping up), I'm just feeling some anger towards his 'ex'

In the case of life you really can only focus on things from your own perspective.

Like in relationships you can not know what is actually healthier for another or what circumstances will help them to grow. They are workign their life from their own perspective.

The best thing to do is to focus on what YOU think. If you think this situation is unhealthy for YOU that is all you really need to know.

This is not an unsympathetic or unkind thing. It is simply an aknowledgment that YOU are the only person and perspective that you can control.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

In the case of life you really can only focus on things from your own perspective.

Like in relationships you can not know what is actually healthier for another or what circumstances will help them to grow. They are workign their life from their own perspective.

The best thing to do is to focus on what YOU think. If you think this situation is unhealthy for YOU that is all you really need to know.

This is not an unsympathetic or unkind thing. It is simply an aknowledgment that YOU are the only person and perspective that you can control.

This is such good advice thankyou

 

[Perpetually_confused]

If I was very attached to the person I think that situation would be too complicated for me and prone to continual stress/uncertainty and I would try and disengage. Plus if they are very dependent on the Ex, it may mean it will be that way with you. Are you prepared or willing for that? If it was just a casual dating situation it might be ok.

Yes exactly it has caused me so much stress.

If I was very attached to the person I think that situation would be too complicated for me and prone to continual stress/uncertainty and I would try and disengage. Plus if they are very dependent on the Ex, it may mean it will be that way with you. Are you prepared or willing for that? If it was just a casual dating situation it might be ok.

I swing back & forth between their codependency & having unresolved feelings probably it's both.

Truth is that unresolved feelings are winning in my mind at the moment because he has cut off contact with me for something I'm now realising was quite minor, we never communicate on social media & it was his business page not his personal page I unfollowed, I am starting to believe that because I put up a boundary with him about their relationship, he knows he can't maintain this & he's either cheating on me or is in avoidance mode. I'd like to believe he's not cheating but with men, who knows! He hasn't done anything to make me feel secure in this situation which I'm sure is a tell tale sign.

Even though I am not good a reading facial expressions & social cues, I thought I was better at reading intentions especially off someone also neurodivergent & this experience is really making me question that too. It's so difficult to know who to trust! Maybe it's more about @Suzette says in how I feel about this situation. Truth is its causing me loads of stress, insecurity, sadness & anxiety - do I want a partner that makes me feel like that? No, I don't, I know that at least now.

 

[Aspychata]

So sorry to read this has you down. It's difficult if it is someone you care about but they are unwilling to take that step with you and really move forward with a healthy relationship. My last breakup was someone who couldn't trust me and take a step to be in a committed relationship, it was a situationship, and l hated just being strung along, it really devalued me, as they withdrew more and more, then they wanted to stay friends. l was too taken with them and a friendship would be too painful, so it was a very dark ending, and l still miss them completely to this day, but l do feel better about myself. So you will have to make a hard choice, but if you leave, leave with your dignity, not a sobbing mess that l was.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

So sorry to read this has you down. It's difficult if it is someone you care about but they are unwilling to take that step with you and really move forward with a healthy relationship. My last breakup was someone who couldn't trust me and take a step to be in a committed relationship, it was a situationship, and l hated just being strung along, it really devalued me, as they withdrew more and more, then they wanted to stay friends. l was too taken with them and a friendship would be too painful, so it was a very dark ending, and l still miss them completely to this day, but l do feel better about myself. So you will have to make a hard choice, but if you leave, leave with your dignity, not a sobbing mess that l was.

Thanks Actually I think I have been spiralling a little bit, I don't actually thing he is cheating on me. I do often need to take a step back & keep my perspective to stop my mind getting carried away with itself. It definitely has been more of a situationship as you describe and actually he is a good friend more than anything so I appreciate your advice because I don't want to lose that aspect of our relationship. I have a feeling that if I end things now we might have some chance of pursing a friendship before it becomes impossible & we both hurt eachother too much.

I am very sorry that that happened to you too. Intimate relationships are so difficult, sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the pain.