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Party invite

thejuice said:
I've got a probable upcoming New Year's Eve party invite that I don't want. I think I'm might just be honest and say "I don't go to parties anymore". I'm like a fish out of water.

What's your reasons/ excuses not to go to parties?
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It depends on the party, how much I like the hosts and the people invited. I've always used the standard empty statements... oh that sounds great, ill need to check my availability and get back to you.
If I go I arrive late and leave early, or I say I'll go but then pull out at the last minute via message, otherwise its some fake line like, oh I'd love to do that, but I've already made plans for new years.

If I had a brother I liked I would make a token effort just to keep things comfortable between us..
 
thejuice said:
I've got a probable upcoming New Year's Eve party invite that I don't want. I think I'm might just be honest and say "I don't go to parties anymore". I'm like a fish out of water.

What's your reasons/ excuses not to go to parties?
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I am always a "fish out of water", but I still find that people acknowledge that I showed up, seem to be happy about it, I make my social rounds, hang out for a bit, grab something to eat and drink, then leave early. With family gatherings, I pretty much find that I am obligated to show up, but probably like you, once I make the social rounds, I will find some place off to the side. I simply can't keep up with all the chaos and conversations. Lately, at my age, its retirement parties, so again, these are people I have known and worked with for decades, so I'm probably going to show up, at least for a little bit. I cannot recall ever staying up on New Years. I'm asleep before 10pm, if not 9pm.
I generally don't make excuses for not showing up. I don't say anything at all and then don't show up. ;)
 
It's actually more common for people to drop out of party invites, the older they get. If they say that they haven't been well or something, but nothing specific, yes it could be genuine but it's probably more likely to be a white lie to get out of attending a party.
Even my extroverted cousin sometimes avoids parties nowadays so that she can just spend time indoors relaxing with just her cats.

So if you feel you need to give an explanation, just say you haven't been feeling well. Usually NTs accept that as a valid explanation and don't really dig deeply into it. But best to just stick to the basic "I'd love to come but unfortunately I haven't been feeling too well so it's best I don't, but thanks for the invite", rather than going into detail, because if you say you've been sick or got covid or broke your leg, it might attempt fate. It probably won't but I can get a little superstitious with this sort of thing lol. So just saying that you're not feeling well or haven't been feeling well is too vague to attempt fate but works for people because it's one of those things that makes sense and has a chance of being genuine, from their perspective.
 
I will be spending Christmas day with my family as we always do.
None of us are getting any younger at this point in time, so we value our time together.

For New Years, I will be headed back up to the National Pike steam gas and horse association showgrounds again.
It has kind of become a tradition as I have done for the past three years.

Yes, it will be in total solitude but also in a place I love.
Will be riding the old Farmall and my little 4 wheeler all over the grounds.
Will eat like a hog too :p
Much safer in my tinyhouse as the wingnuts in my area will put on the usual fifteen minute barrage of firing weapons into the air.
 
I'll probably be spending new year's eve at home with my husband and pet rats. Then I'll go out for a walk on new year's day, while the majority of people in the city (except for kids and elderly people) are at home nursing their hangovers that I won't have because I don't drink.

New year's eve used to be a huge trigger for my depression, and I would often spend the first few days of the year beating myself up for not celebrating new year's eve in a bar or club. I remember when I was in my early 20s and still single, my shyest male cousins (a little bit younger than me) had forced themselves to go out partying on new year's eve and the next day Facebook was full of evidence that they had met girlfriends at their parties. It was a harsh reminder that I was crippled with social anxiety and had very few friends and wasn't going to get a boyfriend just sitting in my room. It really made me angry with myself. Part of me wanted to get out of my comfort zone and join in the world, but another part of me just wanted to hide away in my house where I was safe.

Now that I'm older and living with the man I love, I don't feel as guilty for not giving in to peer pressure. I know NTs in their 30s and older who prefer to just stay in on new year's eve and get a Chinese takeaway and watch movies, over going out to parties. I do love being in my 30s because life feels so much more mature now regarding your social life. Even my extroverted NT cousin, who used to be a confident party-goer and spend more time out with friends than she did at home, has realised that other things matter in life other than partying and getting drunk every weekend, since she's reached her 30s. And she doesn't have children.

So I do feel more relaxed and even open about being a hermit. I do like social situations but just not on new year's eve, unless it's just round somebody's house. I don't like going out like to bars and clubs. Those places scare me.
 
Misty Avich said:
I'll probably be spending new year's eve at home with my husband and pet rats. Then I'll go out for a walk on new year's day, while the majority of people in the city (except for kids and elderly people) are at home nursing their hangovers that I won't have because I don't drink.
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I make it a point of sleeping through the New Year's countdown. :cool:
 
Extroversion don't automatically mean getting drunk and partying all the time. Between extrovert, introvert, ambivert (a balance between the first two), and omnivert (flunctuating between the first two) I would consider myself an omnivert but I still don't get drunk and go to parties when I'm in extroverted mode.
 
A humorous response to an invite: A family friend once told my father that he wouldn't be able to come to an event months away because he would "have a cold".
 
FayetheAspie said:
Extroversion don't automatically mean getting drunk and partying all the time. Between extrovert, introvert, ambivert (a balance between the first two), and omnivert (flunctuating between the first two) I would consider myself an omnivert but I still don't get drunk and go to parties when I'm in extroverted mode.
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My cousin was a party-goer though. As soon as she turned 16 she was always out with her friends getting drunk (some of her friends were 18 so could buy alcohol). She had a lot of friends. Even now whenever she goes anywhere she always manages to make a friend, as in getting their number and meeting up.

I'm an ambivert, or even an omnivert. Actually I'd call myself "an extrovert with social anxiety", or "an introvert that loves people". People have always interested me and I love talking (not the stereotypical autistic "talk about interest only" but actually talk about everything and anything). One or two members here could tell you that lol, as I have private conversations with them back and forth. I'm also very interested in gossip, though this can make me come across as "nosy", which I have been called before, but I just call it human curiosity. But having ADHD and sometimes being hypersocial, it can be hard to do this subtly like NTs seem to be able to (they seem able to get gossip information without being labelled as nosy unless they actually are nosy, while I seem to be the last one to know stuff due to having to keep at a balance between aloof and intrusive). I don't actually ask many questions though. I just like being in on the latest gossip, which is normal for most humans. It's one reason why I have Facebook.

Despite my high social awareness and chatty personality, I can be socially awkward and even go shy in some situations, if I'm unfamiliar with the people in my environment or find I don't really click with them. I also have a hard time talking to strangers. I need to get to know someone first before I can become super chatty. Despite that though, I'm not good at making friends, though maybe I have more friends than I think I do, from someone else's point of view, I don't know. Despite getting along with most NTs, I seem to develop stronger friendships with other NDs. Most of my friends are NDs (not necessarily autistic but have other things like learning difficulties, ADHD, Fragile-X syndrome and Downs syndrome).

It's why I rely a lot on my work environment to make friends with NTs (and NDs if they're there). It's generally the only place I go where there are other people outside of my family, and I'm not the sort of make friends via joining clubs, as it feels more forced. In the workplace I believe friendships develop more naturally. It's why it's extremely important for me to fit in and be liked at work, and I hate when people tell me not to look upon work colleagues as friends.
 
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There will be a 99% chance I will be home with my miserable family.5 1/2 years chanced nothing. I still don't even have a female friend to hang out on new years or even reliable friends.
 
Misty Avich said:
My cousin was a party-goer though. As soon as she turned 16 she was always out with her friends getting drunk (some of her friends were 18 so could buy alcohol). She had a lot of friends. Even now whenever she goes anywhere she always manages to make a friend, as in getting their number and meeting up.

I'm an ambivert, or even an omnivert. Actually I'd call myself "an extrovert with social anxiety", or "an introvert that loves people". People have always interested me and I love talking (not the stereotypical autistic "talk about interest only" but actually talk about everything and anything). One or two members here could tell you that lol, as I have private conversations with them back and forth. I'm also very interested in gossip, though this can make me come across as "nosy", which I have been called before, but I just call it human curiosity. But having ADHD and sometimes being hypersocial, it can be hard to do this subtly like NTs seem to be able to (they seem able to get gossip information without being labelled as nosy unless they actually are nosy, while I seem to be the last one to know stuff due to having to keep at a balance between aloof and intrusive). I don't actually ask many questions though. I just like being in on the latest gossip, which is normal for most humans. It's one reason why I have Facebook.

Despite my high social awareness and chatty personality, I can be socially awkward and even go shy in some situations, if I'm unfamiliar with the people in my environment or find I don't really click with them. I also have a hard time talking to strangers. I need to get to know someone first before I can become super chatty. Despite that though, I'm not good at making friends, though maybe I have more friends than I think I do, from someone else's point of view, I don't know. Despite getting along with most NTs, I seem to develop stronger friendships with other NDs. Most of my friends are NDs (not necessarily autistic but have other things like learning difficulties, ADHD, Fragile-X syndrome and Downs syndrome).

It's why I rely a lot on my work environment to make friends with NTs (and NDs if they're there). It's generally the only place I go where there are other people outside of my family, and I'm not the sort of make friends via joining clubs, as it feels more forced. In the workplace I believe friendships develop more naturally. It's why it's extremely important for me to fit in and be liked at work, and I hate when people tell me not to look upon work colleagues as friends.
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@Misty Avich With me there is like I have two different modes entirely as relates to extrovert/introvert. Sometimes I am quiet and am content to research topics in depth. I love to learn and either sit by myself or mostly quietly with someone else perhaps occasionally sharing some newly discovered fun fact. During these times, crowds are overstimmulating and make me nervous (sometimes even dissociated). Other times I NEED to talk a lot( much of it does connect to special interests but I can just ramble on about various things as ideas or associations between things pop into my head such as blurting out " Did you ever realize that the texure of the ceiling looks like cottage cheese"), try to show off ( such as doing balancing tricks and stuff like that), get bored easy, and long for thrilling activities like carnival rides. Whichever mode I'm in, when in the strongest levels of it I often feel like I'm back to who I really am and don't understand why I was acting the other way just the day before or whatever. I have had people comment about it when they would be right beside me at the time the extrovert/introvert switch flipped. For example when I had been in introvert mode all day until someone asked me to pick something up off the tablet. I suddenly had extra energy and just automatically whipped it up eagerly and I think a spun a circle or two on my heels as well. The person was amused because they said something to the effect of I had been in my own little World all day and then was like a total different person when I went to pick the item up. Also my affect tends to be different between introvert and extrovert mode. Apparently in introvert mode I tend to exhibit a lot of flat effect like many autistic people but in extrovert mode I can have exaggerated effect almost like a real life cartoon character.
 
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This past weekend, I was at family gathering in a faraway city. It entailed a drive of 11-12 hours each way, with just me and my mother. It's often the case that I can't bear being with her for one minute. I agreed to go, and the trip was mostly without anxiety relating to her.

I spoke to a certain cousin for hours, and with another one - who I hadn't really known at all - for a couple more. Both are teenagers. Several short conversations with actual strangers went well. I felt so normal, which then makes me feel confused and even upset. I'm constantly questioning my (undiagnosed) autism, wondering how impaired I really am, blaming myself for failure to overcome my problems, and fantasizing about being more disabled. The last one isn't something that I want; it's a fantasy, an irrational yearning.
 
Cutesie said:
This past weekend, I was at family gathering in a faraway city. It entailed a drive of 11-12 hours each way, with just me and my mother. It's often the case that I can't bear being with her for one minute. I agreed to go, and the trip was mostly without anxiety relating to her.

I spoke to a certain cousin for hours, and with another one - who I hadn't really known at all - for a couple more. Both are teenagers. Several short conversations with actual strangers went well. I felt so normal, which then makes me feel confused and even upset. I'm constantly questioning my (undiagnosed) autism, wondering how impaired I really am, blaming myself for failure to overcome my problems, and fantasizing about being more disabled. The last one isn't something that I want; it's a fantasy, an irrational yearning.
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Yeah I feel that, I think I'm judging my past self with the experience and improved interpersonal skills I have now. I'd love to go back!
 
I am better at speaking to someone one on one even a women believe it or not as long as it's a quiet place where I know I won't get interrupted by other's. If it is or in groups I fall apart and end up leaving and sitting alone because I either get interrupted or the conversation keeps moving so fast that I am spoken over so I leave in frustration because I feel like I am ignored.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
If it is or in groups I fall apart and end up leaving and sitting alone because I either get interrupted or the conversation keeps moving so fast that I am spoken over so I leave in frustration because I feel like I am ignored.
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I suspect that's a relatively common social dynamic for many of us on the spectrum.

Another reason why I fundamentally dislike parties. Social occasions where more often than not everyone is speaking in groups, and in real-time. With lots of wanted/unwanted background sounds like music and voices.

Too much on our autistic senses to handle for very long. Made worse when many of us also struggle for the timing of when to respond without interrupting. And if two or more people continually talk at the same time, it becomes very difficult to follow them for very long.

All reflecting when a one-on-one conversation works so much better in comparison.
 
Cutesie said:
This past weekend, I was at family gathering in a faraway city. It entailed a drive of 11-12 hours each way, with just me and my mother. It's often the case that I can't bear being with her for one minute. I agreed to go, and the trip was mostly without anxiety relating to her.

I spoke to a certain cousin for hours, and with another one - who I hadn't really known at all - for a couple more. Both are teenagers. Several short conversations with actual strangers went well. I felt so normal, which then makes me feel confused and even upset. I'm constantly questioning my (undiagnosed) autism, wondering how impaired I really am, blaming myself for failure to overcome my problems, and fantasizing about being more disabled. The last one isn't something that I want; it's a fantasy, an irrational yearning.
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These are all very relatable for me also.

@thejuice I have never been invited to a party, but for weddings. For them i made up an excuse that i am in another city with my parents.
 
I will never go to a another wedding in my life. I refused to go to my cousin's wedding recently. I would only go to my own wedding but that is a fat change, one in a million years, in a pigs eye, never going to happen, slim to none odds it will happen in my lifetime.
 
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