Patience til the End

[Fridgemagnetman]

your comment on comparing me with your husband is uncalled for in my opinion since I am entitled to call my husband on behaviour which I feel is inappropriate -

And there it is.

Neuroligical difference of understanding in a nutshell.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I am now 72 and extremely happy to have called his bluff on the divorce and now I am free

Thats was quick. Seems like your problems are now sorted.

The rest is just gravy.

 

[watersprite]

@22 Years and It's Over Your thread kind of seethes with pain.
It's not usually productive on the internet to find general support for the kind of difficulties you posted here. Perhaps a counselor or a pastor would be a better choice if you are seeking support.
Delineating your complaints ahd accusations is of course valid, but setting them forth in the context of this forum maybe not so much. One in your position needs to find someone, preferably a professional who is skilled in navigating strongly upsetting emotions with detachment while communicating a caring environment. Good luck.

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

I'm sorry if I sounded rude in my previous post. You don't need a reason to stay here. For all that it's worth, please do if it suits you. You are welcome here, whatever the reason. I'm just concerned if you're going to get here the help you clearly need.

Thank you for your apology - I don't need help - I did see a psychologist - apart from the "normal" need to discuss - 22 years doesn't disappear lightly from one's psyche - I do feel that my contribution can assist others which in turn assists me.

No, it doesn't sound like an ASD thing to do. It may seem harsh but it seems like an as*hole thing to do.

FUNNY

These are traits that could be on the spectrum, yes. Although, it seems to me that you want to blame all his behaviour on his ASD. It's only a speculation on my part, yes, but this is how it looks to me. Please, do remember that above all, people on the spectrum are just that - people. If you met one, then that's it, you met one, and the ASD traits, although important, are still just part of a full personality.

Absolutely agree and that is why I pulled away after the financial ties were eliminated.


Edit: Also, one question to you: What do you want from him?
Do you want him to be with you or do you want his idealised version? You talk about his spectrum traits and ASD itself as if it was an illness that he could overcome if he only listened to you and did what you want him to do. A bit of a controlling behaviour here. I don't know the whole situation, so I can give you only my impressions but from my point of view you seem to be treating him like an unruly child that doesn't want to listen to you and that you need to protect from himself.

Yes you have a great insight - however he does behave like an unruly child which is part of his particular behaviour owing to his Aspi condition. I have spent many hours with him at visits to his psychologist and she attempts also to "reign" him in. Even though Aspi it is not ok to function in a social world the way he does in certain circumstances and he does need to learn mechanically to change his behaviour..It is easier for a 5 yr old however than a 75 yr old through neuroplasticity.

This is how it looks to me: five years ago you separated. He still stayed while taking to your chemo etc. but without behaviour expected from a husband. At most, he behaved like a (distant) friend. Because it was working, he didn't see the need for divorce, as he didn't need it. Right now, he wants to move on with his life and because he needs a divorce for it, he decided to divorce you.

He said he doesn't want to divorce me - he loves me and that is why he stayed by my side - he did not go elsewhere for sex even though he kept saying he would to me - and then told me when he approached other women because he could not and can not keep anything from me which is truly Aspi behaviour. Once he even made a date with an old acquaintance and asked me to call and cancel it for him which I did. All I ever asked was that he be discreet in his outside activities if he needed them.

For me, the situation is rather clear. He sees you as a controlling person that he needs to leave in order to 'get back his life'. What I would suggest is to talk to him honestly, without any suggestions, lectures, expectations and if he agrees to it, go for at least a few weeks or even months of separation. He survived five years without you, he'll survive a few months. Afterwards, you can both decide if the divorce is or not needed.

You are correct about everything you say - we always talk that way and still do - we are not estranged - the only difference now is that the divorce has been lodged so he feels he doesn't have to be discreet with his activities. He didn't survive 5 years without me we spoke and/or saw each other daily for brunch, dinner, drinks etc..we just didn't live in the same house. Only a couple of days ago he wanted to see me to bring some of my things to me that he had borrowed and we had a good laugh over coffee. He admitted he would keep on asking me to sleep with him.!!!



I can see sympathise with him here as well as with you. At times, I can become suffocated by someone's presence in my life. The more they try to stay, the more I struggle to get away. At times, I start to hate them for that. It often passes after I leave them for a longer period of time. If they give me my space, I come back, if they don't, they don't see me again. That's just it.

I am the same and we suffocated each other simply owing to the fact I am an NT and he is an Aspi. We are both professionals and are both highly intellegent.

Good luck.

THANK YOU - you are a wise person

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

@22 Years and It's Over Your thread kind of seethes with pain.
It's not usually productive on the internet to find general support for the kind of difficulties you posted here. Perhaps a counselor or a pastor would be a better choice if you are seeking support.
Delineating your complaints ahd accusations is of course valid, but setting them forth in the context of this forum maybe not so much. One in your position needs to find someone, preferably a professional who is skilled in navigating strongly upsetting emotions with detachment while communicating a caring environment. Good luck.

Thanks - I think you need to read all my comments and somehow seive through them - I am actually feeling great -

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

He chose the worst possible time to remove his wedding ring which was as soon as you were diagnosed with a very serious illness, you make excuses for him and I therefore believe you still care for him, but if he truly cared a lot about you, any additional anxiety from fearing a change of routine would have been overridden by the strong desire to be there, supporting you through every step at your side. It also wasn't exactly kind or generous to demand his money back while you were still very ill, causing you further stress and hardship to the extent that you even had to sell your own home to pay him back with interest, I don't believe that even someone on the autistic spectrum wouldn't understand how heartless this was, especially at his age and if you were truly a married couple you wouldn't even be borrowing in the first place because what was his would also be yours and vice versa. Finally I don't believe that even someone on the autistic spectrum at his age truly wouldn't realise that it's not right to accompany you to a singles bar with a friend so he can meet other women while he is still married to you, he is very likely to have various additional challenges in life from being on the autistic spectrum, but I also suspect he is sometimes using his condition as an excuse to behave very inappropriately and to treat you horribly. When you explained that it was inappropriate he asked you whether you wanted a divorce, perhaps that's partly why he did it and he was purposely trying to upset you, in fact maybe he was trying to manipulate you in this and in other situations? I wouldn't underestimate him, people on the higher functioning end of the autistic spectrum are also usually of at least above average intelligence. Sorry to be harsh, but it's probably best that you're moving on and I'm sorry for what you had to go through.

PS: Everyone is unique including people on the autistic spectrum and can be good or bad at varying levels with totally different personalities, but I still believe that the vast majority of people are mostly good.

I agree with you - majority of people are mostly good: It is best I am moving on and will probably be able to do so more easily than he: He finds any excuse to contact me even though I have requested space for a few weeks; he is above average intellegence and so am I - he needs to upset me because he can find himself again as the controller - he asked for his money back because he was on overload and couldn't cope with not being able to have his money under his control (aspi behaviour) even though I was paying a higher interest that he can now get elsewhere - I also believe he knew it would break our ties and he needed his freedom in all respects.(not aspi thinking). Every Aspi is in a different place and space on the spectrum and so there are no boundaries which can be applied and work for more than one person.. the bottom line is they need order and routine and if they cannot control their own order and routine they become frustrated and maybe even aggressive because they are thrown into even further overload.
I feel that from the comments to my post that most of the responses are from either Aspi's who are higher functioning in a social context on the spectrum than he is or from NT's who have intimate relationships with aspi's who funtion at a higher level than he does. I believe some aspi's as with NT's are highly sexed and others are not at all... This man is highly sexed and cannot cope not having his immediate needs met at all times. that is an aspi who is probably less high functioning than one who can control having their on needs met immediately - this man can only process one sentence at a time - If there is more than one at a time he cannot understand the thread because his focus is on the first sentence and he can't process the second or third.. In fact it appears he has a short memory and that is what alerted me in the first place - his memory is possibly not short,,, more like he didn't actually take in most of what had been said in the first place.

 

[pax]

I'll be blunt. ( Aspies are good at that)

I, like others, can not understand why you are here.
You have been through difficult situations, personally and physically, and have written many posts about them and how much you are hurt by them, yet say you are fine.

You ascribe a lot of your ex-husbands behaviour to his Aspergers, but it is obvious to many of us here that it is not Aspie behaviour, it's possibly asshat behaviour, but not Aspie.

I get the feeling from your posts that the marriage was over long before he asked for the ring back - that in fact you were more like room mates or ****buddies - and he saw it as an open marriage even if you didn't; hence the loan and the singles bars.

@22 Years and It's Over Your thread kind of seethes with pain.
It's not usually productive on the internet to find general support for the kind of difficulties you posted here. Perhaps a counselor or a pastor would be a better choice if you are seeking support.
Delineating your complaints ahd accusations is of course valid, but setting them forth in the context of this forum maybe not so much. One in your position needs to find someone, preferably a professional who is skilled in navigating strongly upsetting emotions with detachment while communicating a caring environment. Good luck.

I think Kestrel has given you some excellent advice.

 

[onlything]

THANK YOU - you are a wise person

Just take care of yourself.

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

I'll be blunt. ( Aspies are good at that)

I, like others, can not understand why you are here.
You have been through difficult situations, personally and physically, and have written many posts about them and how much you are hurt by them, yet say you are fine.

You ascribe a lot of your ex-husbands behaviour to his Aspergers, but it is obvious to many of us here that it is not Aspie behaviour, it's possibly asshat behaviour, but not Aspie.

I get the feeling from your posts that the marriage was over long before he asked for the ring back - that in fact you were more like room mates or ****buddies - and he saw it as an open marriage even if you didn't; hence the loan and the singles bars.


I think Kestrel has given you some excellent advice.

Thank you for your input however:
1- It doesnt matter if you question why I am here - there are others who might think differently - I am fine since I accept life as being what it is now - of course there has been hurt - everybody has hurt in their life and they get through it and are then fine.
2 - you state that "many of you here" think he is not aspi - so you are speaking from a point of view on behalf of others with whom you have not had a personal meeting and consensus of opiion - The man has been diagnosed as an Aspi by 3 qualified psychologists who are specialists in Asperger's Syndrome and has monthly appointments with one of them to assist him through life. - are you a specialist psychologist in asperger's syndrome?
3- your feeling about my marriage is incorrect

Finally I feel i am here because i have something to give others in this forum -if you don't think you can benefit from anything I say they that's ok by me - I feel others do -
If there are others here who feel they wish me to leave then so be it and I will do so - I am 72 remember and possibly also have a wisdom from life in general way beyond that of people who are many years younger

 

[22 Years and It's Over]

And there it is.

Neuroligical difference of understanding in a nutshell.

absolutely

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Finally I feel i am here because i have something to give others in this forum -if you don't think you can benefit from anything I say they that's ok by me

Like an argument? Or the 2nd last word, and yours the last.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

absolutely

You know i was trying to say imo you misunderstood,right?

 

[onlything]

Thank you for your input however:
1- It doesnt matter if you question why I am here - there are others who might think differently - I am fine since I accept life as being what it is now - of course there has been hurt - everybody has hurt in their life and they get through it and are then fine.
2 - you state that "many of you here" think he is not aspi - so you are speaking from a point of view on behalf of others with whom you have not had a personal meeting and consensus of opiion - The man has been diagnosed as an Aspi by 3 qualified psychologists who are specialists in Asperger's Syndrome and has monthly appointments with one of them to assist him through life. - are you a specialist psychologist in asperger's syndrome?
3- your feeling about my marriage is incorrect

Finally I feel i am here because i have something to give others in this forum -if you don't think you can benefit from anything I say they that's ok by me - I feel others do -
If there are others here who feel they wish me to leave then so be it and I will do so - I am 72 remember and possibly also have a wisdom from life in general way beyond that of people who are many years younger

No need to become defensive. @pax didn't say that your husband is not an aspie, just that some of the behaviour you described cannot be solely due to his being on the spectrum.

 

[pjcnet]

Thank you for your input however:
1- It doesnt matter if you question why I am here - there are others who might think differently - I am fine since I accept life as being what it is now - of course there has been hurt - everybody has hurt in their life and they get through it and are then fine.
2 - you state that "many of you here" think he is not aspi - so you are speaking from a point of view on behalf of others with whom you have not had a personal meeting and consensus of opiion - The man has been diagnosed as an Aspi by 3 qualified psychologists who are specialists in Asperger's Syndrome and has monthly appointments with one of them to assist him through life. - are you a specialist psychologist in asperger's syndrome?
3- your feeling about my marriage is incorrect

Finally I feel i am here because i have something to give others in this forum -if you don't think you can benefit from anything I say they that's ok by me - I feel others do -
If there are others here who feel they wish me to leave then so be it and I will do so - I am 72 remember and possibly also have a wisdom from life in general way beyond that of people who are many years younger

From my understanding I don't think @pax is saying that you're not welcome here, I suspect when she wrote "I can't understand why you are here" she meant it literally as in she's not sure what you are hoping to gain by being here, but in my opinion you have explained this. I also personally think it's interesting and potentially useful to gain an insight into your relationship and of course you are welcome here. It's common for aspies to be very literal however.

I don't believe @pax was questioning whether he is an aspie or not, I think she is stating that his inappropriate behaviour which you are claiming is because of him being autistic in his defence is not specifically related to this condition, this is because most of us here wouldn't act in the same way he has in similar circumstances.

It is very common for us aspies to write things that can be interpreted in different ways to intended and also to be quite blunt and to the point sometimes.

(@pax please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.)