People inviting other people

[Mia]

The boyfriend with his ex showing up for sheer awkwardness. feeling extreme discomfort in your own home.

Think the worst part was the awkwardness of that situation. No one really knew how to treat the ex wife and her two children. She sat at the table during christmas dinner eating as if there was nothing unusual about it at all. And seemed unaffected by the family who's Christmas she had invaded. Even her ex husband didn't seem discomfited. Perhaps it was usual for them.

 

[Pats]

My one friend would do something similar. He would want us to hang out more often. But every time I did, he would be on his phone most of the time with his buddies and I'd just be sitting there in his car wondering what to do. So I avoided doing anything with him for a long time.

Yes - I hate that, too. You sit there having no idea what to do. My DIL is the worst for being on her phone all the time. Sitting at a restaurant, she'll be looking through her phone at texts or facebook while I sit there thinking 'how rude'. My son (her husband) will do it too and I've gone with both of them and both of them on their phones. But with my son - I can tell him to put the phone away, then she will, too.

 

[Thinx]

I am an observer in social situations so sometimes I may not mind that others are unexpectedly there or that I am on the sidelines. The sideline is my natural place. Other times it can feel too difficult or exposing, depends on the event or who I am with. I am interested in people, so I probably use such situations as a person studying others from an alongside position would. Like, kind of live television. With me as audience.

 

[Thinx]

PS the stories from Mia were amazing. So poignant about the 4 hours driving family, yet also, er Awkward

 

[SusanLR]

This happens a lot to me because the man I live with has always been used to social get togethers
and knew a lot of people.
I am not used to that and he is always setting up going to someone's house for a dinner or a visit then
says "We're" going to so and so's tonight. I don't even know his so and so's!
Sometimes he reserves long tables put end to end in a restaurant for a large group and expects me to go with him.
I don't know what to talk about and I'm certainly not comfortable. But, if I said I just won't go
that would be a prelude to a fuss, so I just go and get it over with.
Thankfully he doesn't care about having these people come to the house.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

The boyfriend with his ex showing up for sheer awkwardness. feeling extreme discomfort in your own home.

The fist fight is also awful; different, shorter lived but still awful.

I can't fathom... Why the heck would the bf invites his ex, to his current gf's parent's house...?! On top of that, during a family-only gathering.. That was really wow... I think even NTs would not tolerate that.. That's so rude! Unless the current gf and the ex are friends, but it's still inappropriate. Oh, I guess his kids wanted to see him, but that's really inappropriate. They could've have meet at other time separately.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I also dislike it because

• It's rude - why they don't tell me beforehand. So I always ask, "Who else will go?" friendly, when invited. But since I always refuse or indecisive or awkward, they don't invite me anymore I'm grateful for the invitation though.. But thank God, everybody is busy with their new families anyway, so I don't need to worry over an invitation I feel bad feeling like this..
• Interrupting my routine/expectation - because I wanted to go home early
• I can greet their friends, but they always look happier among themselves, but seem toned-down when with me.. that bugs me

Uh I sound so selfish, no wonder nobody wants to invite me


This thread is so good. It got me thinking about why my husband also doesn't mingle around during my family gatherings or refuse to go..

So, what if your family member wants to introduce you to new people? Would researching & showing their pictures (through facebook etc) and explaining who they are beforehand, would help? I'm thinking of trying this with him.

 

[Progster]

So, what if your family member wants to introduce you to new people? Would researching & showing their pictures (through facebook etc) and explaining who they are beforehand, would help? I'm thinking of trying this with him.

Yes, this would help me. It helps to see a picture or know a bit about someone beforehand.

 

[Pats]

I can't fathom... Why the heck would the bf invites his ex, to his current gf's parent's house...?! On top of that, during a family-only gathering.. That was really wow... I think even NTs would not tolerate that.. That's so rude! Unless the current gf and the ex are friends, but it's still inappropriate. Oh, I guess his kids wanted to see him, but that's really inappropriate. They could've have meet at other time separately.

And it would have been nice if he had ASKED.

 

[Pats]

I also dislike it because

• It's rude - why they don't tell me beforehand. So I always ask, "Who else will go?" friendly, when invited. But since I always refuse or indecisive or awkward, they don't invite me anymore I'm grateful for the invitation though.. But thank God, everybody is busy with their new families anyway, so I don't need to worry over an invitation I feel bad feeling like this..
• Interrupting my routine/expectation - because I wanted to go home early
• I can greet their friends, but they always look happier among themselves, but seem toned-down when with me.. that bugs me

Uh I sound so selfish, no wonder nobody wants to invite me


This thread is so good. It got me thinking about why my husband also doesn't mingle around during my family gatherings or refuse to go..

So, what if your family member wants to introduce you to new people? Would researching & showing their pictures (through facebook etc) and explaining who they are beforehand, would help? I'm thinking of trying this with him.

Why does the family need to introduce you to new people? If it's someone you plan to have over and want some kind of on-going friendship with, maybe, otherwise - WHY??? (Hope that didn't sound rude. don't mean for it to be. I just honestly don't see a point of such discomfort if it's not necessary.)
And you don't sound selfish at all - I was thinking the same thing yesterday - that it seems like they get along better with the other person, which then makes me feel excluded.

 

[Mia]

I can't fathom... Why the heck would the bf invites his ex, to his current gf's parent's house...?! On top of that, during a family-only gathering.. That was really wow... I think even NTs would not tolerate that.. That's so rude! Unless the current gf and the ex are friends, but it's still inappropriate. Oh, I guess his kids wanted to see him, but that's really inappropriate. They could've have meet at other time separately.

My suspicion is that they weren't really divorced. Probably separated, and that my sister somehow caused the breakup. And the wife decided to fight back, by showing up and bringing her children. It worked eventually, as he moved back in with his wife and children and stopped seeing my sister. Who never admitted that she would do something like that.

 

[paloftoon]

It's okay to meet strangers in public places. Depending on the person and the context, it's not okay to have strangers over. There're some things to consider.

Do you own the place you're living in? If you don't, then you kind of have no say. Then, it's an indirect of implying that you learn how to be independent so that you don't have to worry about strangers except when they've earned the right to visit you (and hopefully you aren't so socially closeted that you wouldn't consider). Otherwise, whoever owns the place has the right to make decisions in the end. If you are at least majority/highest equal % owner/renter of the place you're living in, you also have a say but your opinion can't be the only one if the ownership is shared. You have to come up with compromises or find other alternative. One alternative is that you leave the situation (presuming you're an adult) and you try to stay with a friend or at a hotel even. You might not have any/much say, so you have to then work toward situations where you can have more say and/or learn how to cope with strangers.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

My suspicion is that they weren't really divorced. Probably separated, and that my sister somehow caused the breakup. And the wife decided to fight back, by showing up and bringing her children. It worked eventually, as he moved back in with his wife and children and stopped seeing my sister. Who never admitted that she would do something like that.

That was sad. Feel bad for your sister too.. But maybe it's good that she won't have to continue to see that man.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Thank you Pats, for the thread, for the questions, for the reassurance..

Why does the family need to introduce you to new people? If it's someone you plan to have over and want some kind of on-going friendship with, maybe, otherwise - WHY??? (Hope that didn't sound rude. don't mean for it to be. I just honestly don't see a point of such discomfort if it's not necessary.)

I would like to introduce new people to my husband, because

• He's new in this region & he has no friend.
• Sometimes, he also said that he wants friends, when we don't have anything else to do together.
• Having another person besides me is good too. He'll feel more independent & lively
• There's something I think it's better for him to learn, like the language, culture/religion, etc. I cannot teach him everything. It'll be good to have another male mentor figure that he can learn from too
  
• I heard that starting with his special interest might be good
• Or that new people are just my relatives, but stranger to him. So I need to introduce them to him, since we're family & so he will feel at ease next time we gather.

Any opinion will be appreciated

 

[paloftoon]

Thank you Pats, for the thread, for the questions, for the reassurance..



I would like to introduce new people to my husband, because

• He's new in this region & he has no friend.
• Sometimes, he also said that he wants friends, when we don't have anything else to do together.
• Having another person besides me is good too. He'll feel more independent & lively
• There's something I think it's better for him to learn, like the language, culture/religion, etc. I cannot teach him everything. It'll be good to have another male mentor figure that he can learn from too
  
• I heard that starting with his special interest might be good
• Or that new people are just my relatives, but stranger to him. So I need to introduce them to him, since we're family & so he will feel at ease next time we gather.

Any opinion will be appreciated

Yes, it's a great idea to look for special interest groups that do or might fit your husband's needs. Don't force your husband to connect or make connections with people. That is the worst. Let things happen naturally. Only your husband can build connections naturally.

He does need to talk with people and put up with small talk possibly. At least in an interest group, he can focus the topic of conversation on the interest itself to divert any boring small talk he might not be interested in. it might even be good for him to state directly in the beginning that he's terrible at small talk and doesn't like small talk, and then to initiate something possibly cool about the interest of the interest group he is in.

Also, ask him to talk to someone else sitting by themselves. If he's not good at spotting these things, if he's okay with it, you can go in with him for a few minutes and point someone else for him to say "hi" to maybe. Maybe sit with him at a table or somewhere from "afar" and then ask him to look around to see if someone looks like they are sitting by themselves and looking back at you. If you two make eye contact, that that's a cue to talk and see what happens.

Another trick possibly is if there are two seats in a row next to a lonely person or someone who looks like they are kind of by themselves, you sit next to the lonely person rather than take the seat farther away. If that lonely person doesn't say anything for a minute at most, then you say something.

Keep your expectations low in making connections, but at the same time, if you don't try at all, you get nowhere.

Should he be pushed to talk? Yes. He doesn't have to talk all the time. Just let him talk when he's comfortable as long as he is making efforts and not completely avoiding all situations.

Should he be pushed to "make" friends? No. Only he can build that up himself truly.

 

[Pats]

Thank you Pats, for the thread, for the questions, for the reassurance..



I would like to introduce new people to my husband, because

• He's new in this region & he has no friend.
• Sometimes, he also said that he wants friends, when we don't have anything else to do together.
• Having another person besides me is good too. He'll feel more independent & lively
• There's something I think it's better for him to learn, like the language, culture/religion, etc. I cannot teach him everything. It'll be good to have another male mentor figure that he can learn from too
  
• I heard that starting with his special interest might be good
• Or that new people are just my relatives, but stranger to him. So I need to introduce them to him, since we're family & so he will feel at ease next time we gather.

Any opinion will be appreciated

I see. Those really make sense, then, yes. You're very thoughtful.

 

[Pats]

Thank you Pats, for the thread, for the questions, for the reassurance..



I would like to introduce new people to my husband, because

• He's new in this region & he has no friend.
• Sometimes, he also said that he wants friends, when we don't have anything else to do together.
• Having another person besides me is good too. He'll feel more independent & lively
• There's something I think it's better for him to learn, like the language, culture/religion, etc. I cannot teach him everything. It'll be good to have another male mentor figure that he can learn from too
  
• I heard that starting with his special interest might be good
• Or that new people are just my relatives, but stranger to him. So I need to introduce them to him, since we're family & so he will feel at ease next time we gather.

Any opinion will be appreciated

My son doesn't have friends. There are his in laws that he is with a lot - and he does things (like install a security camera) for his mother in law. We both love her family. But a couple weekends ago he and his oldest son were camping and jeeping and there was another man there that - they just hit it off to the point you'd think they'd always been friends. It's amazing. They both love jeeps and outdoors and Colorado and jeeping in Moab. Mother's Day weekend both couples met and camped and jeeped together, and even his wife is a lot like my son's wife.
What's your husband's special interests?