People using your name/using other people's names

[Gingerlass27]

The above was mentioned in another discussion post about secrecy but I thought I'd start a separate thread for this issue.

Does anyone else find it panics them when people use their name when addressing them? It really does make my heart pound, even if it's written down. Someone speaking it is definitely the worst though. I'm not sure why & until seeing it on the other thread I hadn't known others may feel the same.

I also really struggle to use other people's names. If addressing them directly, its not normally too hard to avoid having to use their name. I tend to make up descriptive names for people & will use them when mentioning them to others (ie hat lady) or I'll use their profession etc, or just say ’my sister' even though the other person may well know her name.

Do others relate to this? And anyone have any theories if so?

 

[Pondering]

I totally get this. My name sometimes doesn't feel familiar to me and so when I am addressed, I panic. Like I'm not sure if I offended someone without knowing it or something. I never know what the person addressing me is going to say. As far as addressing other people, I am good with names, but it somehow feels improper to address someone by their name. I know people and associate a person with their personalities, who they are, their face, and the impression they give me, not by a name. In an odd way, names aren't completely necessary when thinking about a person in my mindif that makes any sense. I feel that a person is more their qualities than their name.Names can't really describe a person. But that's just my opinion.

 

[Elemental]

I have missd my name being called out in some situations: it just didn't resonate as significant until / unless I heard it being recalled.

 

[garnetflower13]

I feel that panic, too when my name is called. Oddly, I feel weird to say my husbands name, and often don't use it at all unless I absolutely have to.

 

[Gingerlass27]

It's interesting to read others experience the same types of thing. I'm just diagnosed & haven't read much on ASD yet.

 

[On the Inside]

I have never been comfortable with my name, first. middle or last.

For quite some time when I was a little kid, I said I wanted to be called Harold (Harold and the Purple Crayon). Not sure why I thought that was an improvement, but I am still uncomfortable with my name.

I've been teased about my last name all my life, and when I hear my full name spoken out loud, I cringe. That cringe has lessened over the years but it's still happens.

I know some people use their middle name as their first, but my middle name is even worse. My partner likes it though, and wanted our son to have it as his middle name. I very reluctantly conceded. When one of my old friends asked what we named him, he said "You saddled him with that middle name?" What could I do?

Addressing someone else by name is also kind of difficult. I prefer just straight out asking or telling that person what it is I am approaching them for, rather than saying "Dan, do you....?"

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'm generally not liked in business settings because I expect people to be polite and address me by my title and surname. It's just unprofessional and incredibly rude to do that fake chummy crap that's become irritatingly popular to call people by their first name when you're not friends. I generally react the same way to somebody saying my name as a person standing across from me trying to make eye contact. I'm very suspicious of them until they prove what they're after.

 

[paloftoon]

If you're not sure, address by last name with either "Mr." or "Ms.". If you can't tell if male or female, then ask that person. If you're not sure how they should/want to be addressed, ask them!

 

[Datura]

I'm generally not liked in business settings because I expect people to be polite and address me by my title and surname. It's just unprofessional and incredibly rude to do that fake chummy crap that's become irritatingly popular to call people by their first name when you're not friends. I generally react the same way to somebody saying my name as a person standing across from me trying to make eye contact. I'm very suspicious of them until they prove what they're after.

This attitude seems odd to me. In my experience (with the exception of medical doctors) it has always been the norm to address people by their first name in work situations. If I were to start using people's sir names my co-workers would likely find that excessively formal and uncomfortable. It would almost be like I was showing them undue reverence, or perhaps doing so sarcastically. I am not sure if this is generational, regional, or merely the different culture of our work environments. That said, I always try to refer to people by their preferred method.

Personally, I like my name. I chose it myself. When people use my previous name however (which is a very rare occurrence these days) it bothers me a great deal. I am not that person, and I never was.

 

[Dryope]

I was one of the people who wrote in the other thread on this. I don't know why it freaks me out to hear my name, but it really does. It's completely irrational and normally I try to be rational.

I think it's a baggage thing -- I get anxious that there is a "social" thing happening when my name is called. It means someone is addressing me, and that's like a teacher calling a pop quiz in calculus for me. And, of course, as a kid I was bullied a lot, so my name tends to bring up unpleasant thoughts, most of which are probably happening on the unconscious level.

I have recently had to film myself for work-related things...and I find that this helps. I don't know why it should. But seeing myself in video makes me feel more comfortable with my social self. I think my main problem is that other people have the advantage over who "I" am to them. I only know my inner self. So when I can see myself speaking and reacting to people, I can learn who this other person is. And in these situations, hearing my name causes less angst, because I know better what is going on, who this outside me is and what they're like.

I've also learned I should nod and smile more than I talk. It sounds dumb and shallow until I see myself doing it. I see now how I can convey the meaning I want to nonverbally at times when words might get in the way -- since I tend to use language to be precise, but sometimes the main message to send is "in general, I agree."

Anyway, that's my thinking on this. Names are scary because I don't know my social persona (and I've dropped all my masks and feel exposed).

Of course, on this forum I totally have a "dryope" mask, so -- wheeeeeeee!

 

[Suzanne]

YES, I could never figure it out, but indeed, I do not like it when people say my name. When I see it written or someone is commenting on my post and uses my name, I go into surreal mode. Not saying that I do not like that, for I find it the highest compliment, but it is still really weird to see my name.

And again, oh most definitely yes, to finding it hard to use other people's names. Online it is different and I can and do, for courtesy sake, but you will rarely find that when I talk about my husband, that I use his name! It is always: my husband. I guess partly because no one knows him and so, why say his name?

It takes a lot of effort, on meeting new people ( oh how I hate that), to ask what their name is. It doesn't even cross my mind, until they ask what my name is and then, it is like a little light bulb that says: you need to ask her name! But as strange as it seems, I feel so out of my depth when I ask the name of a person.

So crazy, because our names are not just belonging to us. I mean: I know there are many women with my name, but still, it feels strange and uncomfortable to me.

 

[watersprite]

I get anxious doing any kind of talking with people, except for my 2 kids. When I hear someone say my name, it gives me a jolt of alarm. It feels like a cage door has shut and I'm trapped and under scrutiny.

 

[Datura]

I can relate to Suzanne in that when addressed by my name I sometimes feel a sense of derealization. I know it's my name, but in that moment it doesn't feel like my name. Indeed; I can hardly believe I am myself, as though I suddenly found myself in the skin of a character with whom I am intimately familiar.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Mainly in an argument, especially with someone I know. The reason for this is because that is a way that they're trying to control the conversation. I have actually come out before and said "Why are you saying my name? We both know who I am." It usually happens when they are losing the argument.

I also feel funny when someone uses my name in a certain way when they haven't known me for very long. I kind of expect them to go in steps like this:

Angela: call me this for business transactions, school, formal meetings or just when you've met me.

Angie: this one is good for when we are friends, at work with co-workers, patients, etc.

Ang: this one's for only the special people like my Mama and extremely close friends.

Strange? Probably, but one of my co-workers (named Angie) calls me Ang and it makes me very uncomfortable to the point that I want to ask "What is it that you are wanting from me?" because it feels like she's trying to get close to me too soon. I'm being lenient and accepting it because I'm figuring its because we have the same name. It's still irritating.

I even have some people that I've known awhile that call me Angela and I feel that they've known me long enough that I actually come out and tell them that they can call me Angie.

And some continue to call me Angela because they say they like the name.

 

[tachyon]

I'm generally not liked in business settings because I expect people to be polite and address me by my title and surname. It's just unprofessional and incredibly rude to do that fake chummy crap that's become irritatingly popular to call people by their first name when you're not friends. I generally react the same way to somebody saying my name as a person standing across from me trying to make eye contact. I'm very suspicious of them until they prove what they're after.

Where I come from it's the norm to refer to people by their first name & it would appear as an affectation to address people formally in most situations. For example, in a business meeting I might be introduced to 'Jennifer Hartford' - marketing director. I would shake her hand and say something like 'Hello Jennifer - nice to meet you'. She might reply with something like 'I've heard many good things about you Paul and looking forward to working with you' (she's marketing remember ).

The working relationship would never achieve 'escape-velocity' if I addressed her as 'Ms Hartford'.

In a formal situation, however, I would use accepted formal titles such as 'Prime Minister' even though I'm never likely to meet him (& yes it is a HE at the moment ). I think that it's important in that context to use a respectful title because, while you might have little respect for the incumbent, you should show respect for the position.

I always do my best to address people as they would like.

[rant warning]
I prefer people to refer to me by my first name (Paul), but get very pi***d-off when they decide that it's O.K. to use 'Paulie'.
I hate that word and feel like punching them.
[end of rant]

 

[SignOfLazarus]

My name- first and last- is often mispronounced. The first name not always, but the last is almost always mispronounced- it is not common. If someone who I do not know happens to pronounce it correctly I absolutely am uncomfortable and become immediately suspicious.

Other people's names: I have difficulty addressing other people by their names. There is this momentary... doubt, maybe. I'm not sure. Very distinct hesitation, I'm not sure what it is- right before I am going to say it. Even with family members, people I have known nearly my entire life, my SO whom I've been dating for about ten years. Funny, is when I talked to him about this a while ago, he said he experiences the same thing a lot and he identifies as an aspie.

 

[Suzanne]

I can relate to Suzanne in that when addressed by my name I sometimes feel a sense of derealization. I know it's my name, but in that moment it doesn't feel like my name. Indeed; I can hardly believe I am myself, as though I suddenly found myself in the skin of a character with whom I am intimately familiar.

Oh my, as stupid as it seems, I have tears in my eyes right now, because I feel the same way. But I would describe it as not fitting in my skin properly. Like saying: I really do not like you, but have no choice but to be you, so will do the best I can!!!!

 

[Sully]

I went to get a haircut the other day and the woman who did it called me by name. I was a little surprised because I didn't think she would even remember my name. It was weird hearing my name in that context, but not a big deal. I've known my wife almost twenty years and I never call her name or most other people's. I just start talking. I do call my children by their names though.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Angela: call me this for business transactions, school, formal meetings or just when you've met me.

Angie: this one is good for when we are friends, at work with co-workers, patients, etc.

Ang: this one's for only the special people like my Mama and extremely close friends.

Ooohh, nicknames...that takes it to a whole new level of complexity, lol.

I'm one of those people who much prefers using other people's nicknames (like Mike instead of Michael or Jen instead of Jennifer), but I learned not to tread in that territory until invited because some people don't like nicknames at all or don't like certain ones (like Mikey or Jenny).

That said, I always wanted a nickname of my own. My name is too short to have a nickname version, so when people decide they must use a nickname for me (because some people are so drawn to nicknames, I guess), they resort to saying both my first name and last name as if it's all my first name. This has always been the case...since high school and all through my adult life. My last name (both maiden and now married) is also short, so they can be blended together fairly well. It's always sounded strange to me, but I didn't have a better suggestion, so left it at that.

 

[tachyon]

Ooohh, nicknames...that takes it to a whole new level of complexity, lol.

I agree. I'm not confident to use people's nicknames and find it more comfortable to use their real names. I'm not sure if that makes me sound a bit strange to others.
I don't have a nickname myself & I'm happy with that as I like my name