Person has suddenly gone from Friendly to cold/Avoiding me. I can’t cope

[pamelaperejil]

Okay. I can't answer for her, but here's my take on it:

You seem unaware that you treat other people as objects to provide you with what you want rather than people with rights and feelings of their own. You have an ungracious attitude, in my opinion. I have already explained why. You don't listen well. You expect things that you are not entitled to.

You (sometimes) notice social cues but fail to respond appropriately. (Your interactions with the girl in your story would be an example). Other times you don't pick up on the cues at all (your interactions with people in this thread would be an example) and then become petulant as people react to this. You ask for advice, as a favor from others, but fail to heed it (not to mention thank them) and then complain about the quality of advice that you get. You complain a lot in general and then seem mystified when people react negatively to you. You fail to understand why your behavior is inappropriate even when it's pointed out to you (multiple times).

You seem to operate in a bubble, thinking principally of yourself without seeming to have much regard for other people. I would have describe all that as mostly a lack of social awareness rather than self awareness, but...

 

[Frostee]

Okay. I can't answer for her, but here's my take on it:

You seem unaware that you treat other people as objects to provide you with what you want rather than people with rights and feelings of their own. You have an ungracious attitude, in my opinion. I have already explained why. You don't listen well. You expect things that you are not entitled to.

You (sometimes) notice social cues but fail to respond appropriately. (Your interactions with the girl in your story would be an example). Other times you don't pick up on the cues at all (your interactions with people in this thread would be an example) and then become petulant as people react to this. You ask for advice, as a favor from others, but fail to heed it (not to mention thank them) and then complain about the quality of advice that you get. You complain a lot in general and then seem mystified when people react negatively to you. You fail to understand why your behavior is inappropriate even when it's pointed out to you (multiple times).

You seem to operate in a bubble, thinking principally of yourself without seeming to have much regard for other people. I would have describe all that as mostly a lack of social awareness rather than self awareness, but...

I don’t treat anyone like objects, I am aware of her feelings and acted accordingly. You keep saying that I seen her actions and didn’t react? What? Did you not see the reference to the text where I asked her if everything was alright? Afterall, I have completely avoided interacting with her since that last text. What more do you want me to do? Someone said that I didn’t know to stop texting after a few times, no I’ve stopped texting her.

She has the right not to speak to me, but I think that she should have the desceny to be upfront and honest with me. Afterall, it was her who started this up with me. I don’t expect anything else.

I am missing some things on this thread because people are not explaining themselves. We with Aspergers only learn socially if things are explained to us.

 

[Mary Anne]

I think you’re right there was something about me that put her off a Friendship. But I think her behavior is immature.

She’s dragging this out by ignoring me: a stranger. It’s rude, in my opinion.

Ok, I disagree. She is NOT the one “dragging this out.” YOU are. She thought you were interesting and someone to be friends with for a very short time. Then she decided that she did not want to engage. She sent you all kinds of repeat signals over time, but you continued to bother her.

It is YOU who have continually tried to connect, make conversation, ask her uncomfortable questions. Stop bothering her. You are being “immature and rude.”

 

[Mary Anne]

I am well aware.

No you are not. You are basing everything solely on one time in the beginning when she said you could hang out together. Then she clearly changed her mind, and you continued to ignore her subtle and not so subtle signals. You continued to bother her with trying to sit near her, ask uncomfortable questions, and then beat this subject to death here in this thread.

No, you do not get it, and no, you seem not to be aware. It’s very frustrating, that after all these helpful posts from many folks here, that you still don’t get it. You are NOT the “victim” here, and she is not a bad person. I am beginning to see maybe what she found so uncomfortable about you and why she changed her mind in wanting to know you.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

You referred to her as rude and immature, despite knowing that she is autistic.

I'm pretty sure enough people already referred to her as rude and immature and she doesn't need you for that. If you think that she can't feel the resentment without you explicitly telling her then I think you are mistaken.

That was my point, and this is the point everyone is trying to make albeit in different ways. I hope spelling it out like this was clear enough. You should be more understanding, especially in situations when it's obvious that she is not being rude or immature, but that this is just her way of dealing with things. Probably the whole reason she went to that meetup in the first place is because she has trouble making friends due to this.

 

[Frostee]

I literally haven’t spoken to her, so drop it.

 

[BraidedPony]

Frostee is right, we should all drop it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Frostee is right, we should all drop it.

But we haven't found out if he's a snowman yet.

 

[pamelaperejil]

I don’t treat anyone like objects, I am aware of her feelings and acted accordingly. You keep saying that I seen her actions and didn’t react? What? Did you not see the reference to the text where I asked her if everything was alright?

Yes, and I think that might have been a bit of an overkill considering the slew of signals you received before that that she wasn't interested in engaging with you. That many signals would have been enough for another person to understand. That said, if you really felt it was necessary to clarify one last time then you did so. It's clear now. You stopped engaging. Good for you, seriously.

Afterall, I have completely avoided interacting with her since that last text. What more do you want me to do? Someone said that I didn’t know to stop texting after a few times, no I’ve stopped texting her.

What more do I want you to do: let it go and move on. You stopped engaging with her and yet you've come here to complain for pages and pages about the fact that it ever happened in the first place. Stuff like this happens to everyone. It's part of life. You are not entitled to have people spell out plainly why it is that they don't want to engage you, if they don't. They have the right not to. They also have the right to keep their reasons to themselves. Granted, it would have been better if she'd handled this more directly but that's not something that you were entitled to. This has said several times on this thread.

She has the right not to speak to me, but I think that she should have the desceny to be upfront and honest with me. Afterall, it was her who started this up with me.

That point has been conceded, by me and others, at multiple points on this thread. Most here have agreed with you that it would have been better if she had behaved differently. Many people have offered you sympathy and encouragement. At this point, I believe you've got all the sympathy and encouragement that you ever had coming to you. So I have to echo the sentiments of another poster and ask: what more are you looking for on this thread? If it was sympathy, you got it. If it was advice, you got it. If it was insight into what her reasons might have been, you got it. If it was for us to read her mind, we can't.

You've got all you had coming to you from posters (without thanking them), and yet... you're unsatisfied and keep wanting to rehash this. (That's why I say that you're treating people as objects to meet your needs. I was talking about your interactions with posters on this thread. You seem petulant and selfish.) What more do you want? What more is there left for anyone to say? And why should we take the trouble to say it to someone who seems so ungrateful?

I don’t expect anything else.

The consensus on this thread seems to be: that you are wrong to even expect so much. You were never entitled to any explanation of why she dropped you, notwithstanding the fact that she initiated the relationship, which we understand. You may not agree with our opinion but... that is what forum members have been telling you. When you keep raising the same issue in the apparent hopes of getting a different answer than the one you already got, you look petulant, childish, and ungrateful.

I am missing some things on this thread because people are not explaining themselves. We with Aspergers only learn socially if things are explained to us.

I'm not sure how posters could have been more clear than they were. In my opinion, posters explained themselves pretty well and also were pretty patient with you until the end. If you had specific questions about what was said you could have asked but... we don't know how to explain it any better because it is unclear to us what it is that you're not understanding. To have people explain things to you in this depth is another kind of grace you seem to expect from other people that I don't agree you're entitled to.

Normally, I think, people will not be this patient with you or explain things in this kind of detail, whether you have Asperger's or not. Furthermore, most posters on this thread are also on the spectrum and most posters have been able to follow what was being said to you. So you seem to need an exceptional amount of explaining done, even more than other people with Asperger's.

I think you should consider asking for clarification politely rather than demanding it or sulking when you don't get it. And keep in mind that it's not something that you're entitled to, in my opinion. If people are willing to clarify themselves to you like this, then they're being especially polite. But it was also polite for posters to have answered at all, whether or not they were as clear or as specific as you would have liked. A lot of people took the trouble to respond to you. Nobody HAD to answer your thread. You responded ungraciously and with a lot of unwarranted complaining. I believe this is why you've been accused of having an "bad attitude".

Good luck.

 

[Frostee]

In the car with her now and she’s just ignoring me. So incredibly uncomfortable

 

[Mary Anne]

In the car with her now and she’s just ignoring me. So incredibly uncomfortable

I thought YOU said YOU “wanted to drop all discussion if this?”
I don’t understand why you are expressing this, when it’s clear after what everyone has said here. Why do you keep on tormenting yourself AND her? I am pretty much sure she is feeling the same way about you being there too.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

So, I met this group of girls at an Autism club (I’m Male and I get a long with women more than men), we exchanged numbers and arranged a meet up.

The Meet up went great. We then decided to head to the city for a day trip with the rest of the group, we went together on the train.

I noticed on the trip to the city, one of the girls had turned a little unfriendly. She wasn’t rude but started to ignore me and didn’t interact with me massively.

Throughout that day she didn’t really bother speaking to me. She ignored a call (although this is no big deal), moved seats on the journey home, didn’t wave bye when I was getting lifted to go to my house and talked about arrangements with the other people on the Train without inviting me.

The next day we went to a venue as part of the wider group. She was in the same car as me and did not talk to me. She did not talk to me all day. She kept jiggling her legs everytime I sat near her and looked on edge.

I sent her a text yesterday “are you going to the group next week?”, she ignored that. I then sent a text today “hi, I noticed a little distance from you have I done anything to offend?”. She ignored that too.

Now, it’s clear to me that this girl is now showing me the cold shoulder. I don’t know why though? She was super friendly towards me when we first met, now she’s sort of ignoring me and doesn’t want to bother.

I don’t know what I’ve done. The whole thing is giving me anxiety and keeping me up at night. I can’t cope with her ignoring me and the awkwardness that is going to ensue with this.

I do not know what I have done. I had no evil intentions. I merely went about my way and on the way she got annoyed at me.

This is bizarre and I have no clue what’s going on.

now these are the kind of NT girls & women i avoid.who knows what they'll do or say to you upon eye-contact,even if they think amongst themselves that you're cute.as an aspie myself,i'd like to give some advice:when the next group of girls or women your age,even if they're from school,whether they're from the same neighborhood as you or you seeing them on the same train you're on,avoid them like a ninja the way i would.

 

[Mary Anne]

now these are the kind of NT girls & women i avoid.who knows what they'll do or say to you upon eye-contact,even if they think amongst themselves that you're cute.as an aspie myself,i'd like to give some advice:when the next group of girls or women your age,even if they're from school,whether they're from the same neighborhood as you or you seeing them on the same train you're on,avoid them like a ninja the way i would.

Stop making it about “them vs. us.” It’s a two way street...and both sides are creating this situation.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

Stop making it about “them vs. us.” It’s a two way street...and both sides are creating this situation.

for me,it's my kind of war & the way it ends/stops is that if they stop looking at us for the potential creeps & stalkers that they may see us as & start seeing some of us as potential boyfriends !

 

[Mary Anne]

for me,it's my kind of war & the way it ends/stops is that if they stop looking at us for the potential creeps & stalkers that they may see us as & start seeing some of us as potential boyfriends !

Maybe stop bashing and “avoiding” the women then.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

Maybe stop bashing and “avoiding” the women then.

bashing,i've never done that before.i can't imagine someone being bashed for their virginity,especially if you're an aspie,but "avoiding" like a ninja,no.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

In the car with her now and she’s just ignoring me. So incredibly uncomfortable

Here we have a specimen of the rare species known as Hypocriteus Notdroppingitus.

 

[Frostee]

I thought YOU said YOU “wanted to drop all discussion if this?”
I don’t understand why you are expressing this, when it’s clear after what everyone has said here. Why do you keep on tormenting yourself AND her? I am pretty much sure she is feeling the same way about you being there too.

Yes, but I don't think you understand my perspective.

I don't like having animosity with a stranger if I can. This situation is pointless and was brought up over nothing, really.

It was awkward yesterday when we sat in the back of the car and she couldn't even have the decency to muster up a 'hi'.

I was told that she stopped speaking to me because she thought that we didn't have anything in common. If this is the case, then imo it's a bit of an overreaction. She can surely still greet me and pass herself is this is the case.

 

[Fitzo]

Good grief man! What is it going to take for you to GET IT???
She doesn't owe you anything!
She doesn't want to interact with you AT ALL!
And it's pretty obvious to everyone here why that is.
Let it go!!!

 

[Frostee]

You people are cold.

I don’t think you can understand why it’s hard to accept rejection. It makes you feel insecure and you wonder if there’s something wrong with you/unlikeable.

Also, it starts to feel uncomfortable if you have to see the person frequently and it’s clear that they are going out of their way to avoid you.

I am not obsessed with her. I want to be liked and accepted. It is hard to keep getting rejected for NO reason.