Praise boys when you see their Good behavior

[Alaric593]

I took my step-cousins son with my daughter to go get ice cream and the woman gave him his first.

But he didn't start eating until my daughter received hers. I made a point to praise him for the Honorable behavior. He smiled from ear to ear. I don't know if his mother and father don't compliment him for his behavior or if it was that it came from me that made him so happy because he does admire me for my military service, but either way he was shining that I noticed.

Men, if you see a boy doing as he ought, praise it, especially if his parents don't. Civilization needs gentleman as much as it needs ladies and it's sorely lacking in both behaviors.

 

[Misery]

There's something I dont get about this though: Why is that considered "good" or "honorable" behavior? Just waiting a short time to eat? It's one of those things that just seems... irrelevant to me. It has no possible effect on anyone other than the one doing the eating.

I mean, it's kinda like saying "dont put your socks on until your brother is done watching TV, it's only right". Like, who comes up with this? And why?

Though to be fair, I usually dont understand this sort of thing. Always found it moderately baffling.

 

[LadyS]

There's something I dont get about this though: Why is that considered "good" or "honorable" behavior? Just waiting a short time to eat? It's one of those things that just seems... irrelevant to me. It has no possible effect on anyone other than the one doing the eating.

I mean, it's kinda like saying "dont put your socks on until your brother is done watching TV, it's only right". Like, who comes up with this? And why?

Though to be fair, I usually dont understand this sort of thing. Always found it moderately baffling.

Just basic etiquette at play. To wait until everyone is served before beginning to eat. To be fair though, it really isn't a gender assigned behavior, but universal for everyone.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I make a point to praise children and adults for nice and considerate behaviour. As long as people aren't looking into it too much (more common with adults), it can make the recipient happy and validate their nice behaviour. The gender of the recipient doesn't really matter to me. I think it's nice of you to validate your step son when he decided to be considerate, though I also agree with @Misery that I don't really get rules like that and they don't make sense to me.

 

[LadyS]

It used to be normal that you if you were a boy and you got icecream first, you gave it to her so she could eat while you waited for the next one. She would not give you hers so you could eat while she waited. It was called being a gentleman. So gender played a big part in it. The boys made the girls lifes easier if they could. But I know people are trying get rid of gender now.

In the culture I grew up in, it was the opposite. Men were served first and women ate last. One could argue all day which one is right or wrong, gender roles and whatnot but to each their own.

(Side note: this doesn't reflect my personal views though).

 

[Misery]

It used to be normal that if you were a boy and you got icecream first, you gave it to her so she could eat while you waited for the next one. She would not give you hers so you could eat while she waited. It was called being a gentleman. So gender played a big part in it. That was the natural way of things. We also did all the heavy lifting, so they didn't have to. We could lift 200 pounds so they didn't have to, they would not lift that to spare us from doing it. That was very much gender assigned. But I know people are trying get rid of gender now.

It being gender related makes no sense in any case.

Who cares which one lifts the 3 bazillion pound weight?

The one to do it should probably be the one who is capable of actually doing so while not hurting themselves, regardless of gender. No need to force only one group to do it every time simply because of an arbitrarily chosen label.

I mean, by this logic, the 80 year old frail guy with a bad back and arthritis would be doing it so that the 20 year old athletic girl in her prime doesnt have to.

 

[Alaric593]

Why is that considered "good" or "honorable" behavior?

It's a matter of scale.

I wouldn't have scolded him if he hadn't. He's an eight year old. But that he did so shows self control and ability to delay gratification.

A boy able to focus control over his desires and has that cultivated and praised, is an adolescent who can be taught that over indulging in anything has negative consequences and is less likely to become a drug addict or an alcoholic and will be able to be a man able to sacrifice for his family.

As a Non-Commissioned Officer in the military, I didn't touch a plate until the men under my care and responsibility were done eating.

Leadership requires sacrifice of our own desires. Otherwise we're just a boss and there's all the difference in the world in how people react to requests from a leader and from a boss.

I took leave of my reason for many years on this issue and nearly destroyed my family.

I do not eat until my family has their food today either. We're a family, we eat and act as a family, not as individuals. And if I want that, which I do, that requires me to sacrifice.

 

[Thinx]

Yes I totally agree it's good to praise children, and notice their considerate behaviours. And it does really help their self esteem. I might start my ice cream if it was dripping though. And say , I tried to wait for you to get your ice cream, but mine started dripping! I love ice cream, so the scenario is a familiar one. I would wait, but I wouldn't mind if someone else didn't.

I do often think we introduce gender at times when it's not relevant though. I don't think it's about erasing gender, but about not enshrining it.

 

[Alaric593]

Yes I totally agree it's good to praise children, and notice their considerate behaviours. And it does really help their self esteem. I might start my ice cream if it was dripping though. And say , I tried to wait for you to get your ice cream, but mine started dripping! I love ice cream, so the scenario is a familiar one. I would wait, but I wouldn't mind if someone else didn't.

I do often think we introduce gender at times when it's not relevant though. I don't think it's about erasing gender, but about not enshrining it.

It ia relevant because he's a boy, not a girl. If he were a girl, my daughter, we would be talking about a girl doing it, not a boy.

I don't understand the insistence on pointing out the flip side as if people are unable to understand there is one rather than just dealing with the conversation as it is. It's self evident.

 

[Au Naturel]

Just basic etiquette at play. To wait until everyone is served before beginning to eat. To be fair though, it really isn't a gender assigned behavior, but universal for everyone.

Absolutely. Etiquette goes both ways equally or it becomes something less admirable.

 

[Alaric593]

Absolutely. Etiquette goes both ways equally or it becomes something less admirable.

Sure, but a boy did it not a girl. The latter has no relevance to the context. We're dealing with different levels of analysis here.

 

[Thinx]

Not everyone sees gender as binary for example, but perhaps it could be more of a continuum. I'm not talking about just physical bodies and how they look, because gender covers so much more than that in many cultures, and much of what is then expected of the person may not always fit for them.

I don't really think you and I fully disagree on this, @Alaric593, there are lots of aspects to gender roles that are expected of someone, but may not fit for them, like that common phrase, big boys don't cry, or the phrase, girls should keep quiet and look pretty. These are customs, not related to the individual and their personal preferences, and for some many gender expectations just don't feel comfortable.

 

[Au Naturel]

It might make a difference to a third-party observer as to whether a boy or a girl got praised. Praise a girl for that and you'll be accused of encouraging submissiveness. Praise a boy for it and you're correcting his toxic masculinity.

 

[Alaric593]

It might make a difference to a third-party observer as to whether a boy or a girl got praised. Praise a girl for that and you'll be accused of encouraging submissiveness. Praise a boy for it and you're correcting his toxic masculinity.

I am not sure I follow.

How or why would I praise girls in the abstract when it wasn't a girl who did the behavior?

The OP was specifically about a boy and his reaction to praise so I don't follow how or why a third party of observer would raise the level of analysis?

 

[Alaric593]

Wait. Nevermind. I see now where it could. I raised it to "boys" in the title. Poor use of language on my part even though the context is specific and I still don't find it reasonable. I do see how it could be done

 

[Misery]

Wait. Nevermind. I see now where it could. I raised it to "boys" in the title. Poor use of language on my part

Ah, I was specifically going to ask about that part. That makes more sense now.

Ya know, wording and phrasing (and also context, come to think of it) can be bloody frustrating sometimes, cant it? I dunno about you but I get tangled on wording/phrasing all the bloody time. And then I get to spend time extracting myself from the resulting nonsense. Provided I manage to spot the cause of the nonsense.

Common to autism, maybe?

 

[Thinx]

It might make a difference to a third-party observer as to whether a boy or a girl got praised. Praise a girl for that and you'll be accused of encouraging submissiveness. Praise a boy for it and you're correcting his toxic masculinity.

And both accusations would be about some current cultural views of gender. And as often occurs, views that are polarised and a bit toxic. But how is this relevant to one child being considerate to another, and happy and pleased when the considerate behaviours are noticed?

 

[Au Naturel]

I am not sure I follow.

How or why would I praise girls in the abstract when it wasn't a girl who did the behavior?

The OP was specifically about a boy and his reaction to praise so I don't follow how or why a third party of observer would raise the level of analysis?

Because people don't just post things in the abstract. They post things for other people to observe. They modify their post for the anticipated reactions of observers. Saying "boy" or "girl" sends a different signal than gender-neutral "child."

 

[Misery]

Because people don't just post things in the abstract. They post things for other people to observe. They modify their post for the anticipated reactions of observers. Saying "boy" or "girl" sends a different signal than gender-neutral "child."

That depends entirely on the individual though.

Heck, I myself will almost always use "they" instead of "boy" or "girl" when describing things like behaviors, because any given behavior can easily happen with any gender. It's become an ingrained speech habit, particularly IRL, and certainly online too.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I totally agree with the original post. Praising your children for proper manners is important,...far more important than punishing them for bad behaviors.

As far as the confusion,...proper manners, respect, honorable behavior,...all of this is very cultural,...and will vary from society to society. Of course, even within this context, if someone has not been taught and/or is socially isolated,...and they are unaware,...then, other people may be offended. Remember this if you are traveling.

The more people are socially isolated and are not interacting with people around them,...face-to-face,...the more likely that these social graces may be missing. Yes, some of these behaviors may not make a lot of practical sense,...but this is irrelevant. Seriously,...don't try to over think it,...it will drive you nuts. Just remember the phrase, "When in Rome, do as the Romans",...out of respect for the people around you.