preparing myself for therapy

[Keigan]

Ok so I have decided I’m not going to bring my wife with me. I am going to be going by myself.

Good decision!

 

[Ragnahawk]

Can I recommend a good book? https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Guide-Aspergers-Syndrome/dp/1843106698

 

[Jdeisher]

Can I recommend a good book? https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Guide-Aspergers-Syndrome/dp/1843106698

Is the book still quite accurate considering it’s from 2007?

 

[Ragnahawk]

Is the book still quite accurate considering it’s from 2007?

Very.

(I'm not voting, because that would be speaking for someone else. I think you may though based on the formatting of your writing.)

 

[Jdeisher]

Yeah I do that on occasion, this is all new to me, so I am still trying to figure things out. May be speaking for my therapist but not my wife. Pretty much know her perspective already

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

@Jdeisher Well, it looks like he got a taste of his own medicine. I was actually surprised he backed down. He probably thought he could walk all over you, so it shocked him when you came back at him in that same way. Maybe when your wife treats you that way too without good reason, stick up for your rights too. If possible, say things assertively, without yelling though, as the more emotion persons use the less likely they will hear your message, but respond behaviorally the same way back. I know that can be hard though when in a meltdown, and when you are wronged. But, be careful though with bosses, as the next time you do that, he may be more ready to say goodbye. I hope you can get into that programming so you can move on from that company since it and those people cause you so much stress.

 

[Utini]

As everyone should see or may have read quite a few of my threads since I am obsessed with the autism subject atm, I am currently self diagnosed, but Very very confident that I am on the spectrum. All the research I have done this past week, and all the information I got from my mother should set me up with a pretty solid starting point come Monday when I visit my therapist again.

Most of you that have been keeping up with my lengthy threads(I'm sorry lol) know that I have very big communication issues with my wife. It's not her fault at all,but it is something that I need to fix. I love my wife very much, and the past year has been a stressful and tiring one. My son was born, and I got injured pretty bad at work within a 2 week period. My anxiety with everything skyrocketed, our relationship with each other was hard to focus on, and it got to the point of me having a major breakdown in April. This also put a strain on our already strained marriage. I had to see a therapist again. It was kind of an ultimatum, but I agreed completely and this was long before my findings on autism(It was only brought to my attention this past week).

After meeting with my new therapist and getting used to her she said that she believed I definitely had ADHD. So I saw the P.C. that I was recommended to in the same office and he agreed. Started ADHD medicine soon after(June-present). my focus was definitely increasing and helping in being able to do my job and handling house stuff after work, but of course the relationship with my wife still wasn't improving.

I did not mention that after my son was born in September, my wife had quite a long healing process. Intimacy was non existent from July-January. That was a long long time. I definitely struggled because I had worked so hard on building an intimate relationship in the first place. We were together a total of 11 years at that point. So 11 years on closeness and intimacy. And then this pause.

I did not know that I could regress into not even enjoying cuddling again, and I thought I was just a weird guy with all kinds of mental disorders, so anyway, I kept telling myself when January came I would be back to normal. the feeling or desire for touching or affection never showed to me. My feelings had not changed for my wife, just the approach and thought of contact gave me anxiety. My anxiety built and made it not happen, every month got worse and after the breakdown, I knew things would be even harder.

My anxiety with intimacy has definitely reached an all time high, and maybe my wife thinks that me obsessing about and completely believing that I am on the spectrum is going to be an excuse to not be intimate or affectionate. Whether that be the case or not, I am definitely terrified to have both my wife and therapist hearing my childhood, both staring at me, maybe doubting everything I'm saying, or completely ignoring all of the signs and symptoms, and having to listen to my wife describe how I act or react to things, how I am on a daily basis, and how I have acted before last year's events.

I am trying greatly to prepare myself for an evening which could turn out either way. Will my wife be understanding, and accepting? Will they tag team me and make me look like a fool? Will I finally get an answer to all of the questions ive been stuck with since I can remember?

With what happens next week, I will be able to progress with my wife and be able to try harder with the affection knowing what I need to do to be able to successfully communicate my needs. I would like her to prepare for next week too, but the last time I mentioned autism, it turned into an argument. Maybe if she researched it and understood it more, maybe she could start to see what I see. But I do not know how to even bring the subject up again without causing mayhem.

OK, so there is my newest rant.

I was diagnosed in July and I'm very happy that I finally did. I was so scared, afraid people thought I was overreacting or seeking attention. I became obsessed, reading books, talked about it all the time. I am very lucky that my husband is supportive. My family though, they think I'm just shy and what not. It's hard knowing that most neurotypicals won't understand. There's so much inside of you that you wish you could get out. It's hard for me to talk in person so it was a challenge explaining anything to those I love. Good luck your therapy. It's overwhelming finding out how things make sense now. Things will come together for you, it will be a rollercoaster but hopefully things will sink in and slow down for you. I'm more accepting of it now. You will always have your frustrations but there are people in here that can understand you

 

[Streetwise]

I was diagnosed in July and I'm very happy that I finally did. I was so scared, afraid people thought I was overreacting or seeking attention. I became obsessed, reading books, talked about it all the time. I am very lucky that my husband is supportive. My family though, they think I'm just shy and what not. It's hard knowing that most neurotypicals won't understand. There's so much inside of you that you wish you could get out. It's hard for me to talk in person so it was a challenge explaining anything to those I love. Good luck your therapy. It's overwhelming finding out how things make sense now. Things will come together for you, it will be a rollercoaster but hopefully things will sink in and slow down for you. I'm more accepting of it now. You will always have your frustrations but there are people in here that can understand you

welcomeXD

 

[pjcnet]

The vote thing was just something I added because I was bored after typing everything. I do appreciate all of the input and I have tried filling my mind with other things to slow down. Maybe a legit diagnosis isn’t the best way to go, I know that, what does hurt though is the fact of me telling my wife, hey I started doing this research and just about every single one of these symptoms feels like me. Obvious things that I do, when she is the one telling me the things I do and the ways I act and think, I thought she would agree. My only support system, doesn’t agree with me. So as of now I’m a one person support team with racing thoughts and no one to help(other than everyone here). A self diagnosis only holds my chances of support. When I’m not believed or I’m being turned away, it sucks. I also can’t express to my wife that I would like alone time to follow my interests, or to just refresh, but then I’m told, well I never get alone time, I have the baby up my ass all the time. So why do you get to have it? It hurts, video games used to be my relaxation, my me time; but I constantly got yelled at or scolded to the point that I NEVER play anymore. Maybe I’m so stressed out because the things I loved to do for so long, are no longer there for me.

I also read your follow up reply that mentioned about your work not being aware of my ADHD or self diagnosed ASD.

I think I now understand why you've been so over interested in getting officially diagnosed. I think deep down you pretty much know you're aspie and from all your posts you certainly appear to be, but unfortunately the problem is everyone else around you doesn't and you're being put under a massive amount of strain by your wife and even at work you can't truly be yourself. It must be very difficult for you to be forced to hold everything in and it must be awful not being able to follow your special interests which is a necessity for an apie's well being.

From all the information given I'm not certain whether your wife doesn't believe you're an aspie or whether she doesn't want to believe you're an aspie, but you're probably hoping that a diagnosis will make her believe you without doubt and that it will make her more understanding and patient including towards your needs. Sorry to be harsh, but unfortunately an official diagnosis may or may not make that happen, I've known some NT people still deny it even when it's officially diagnosed. At least being diagnosed would hopefully give you access to a better support network and maybe something here could help your wife become more understanding over time. Don't ever let psychiatrists or doctors fob you off with antidepressants however which is often their favourite "quick fix" for everything as these won't truly help and will most probably make matters much worse over time (if you happened to be on them already I would ask about slowly cutting down, they're often both physically and psychologically addictive so no-one should suddenly stop taking them). Overall however I believe that being officially diagnosed is a positive thing for most aspies and would at least remove any doubt left in your own mind.

Whether you eventually get yourself officially diagnosed or not, I truly hope things improve for you and that your wife does gradually begin to accept you for who you are rather than trying to force you to be someone you're truly not.

 

[Jdeisher]

Ok so just an update, so far this week I have said a few things in the house that I have noticed, I used to not realize it at all. On Tuesday my wife called me when she was leaving her job and told me to start rice in the rice cooker, no problem got it. Well these cookers can take some time and she didn’t want to cook the rest of the dinner until the rice was close to done. So I’m standing at the spot where we always have it sitting and she asks me “where is the rice at?” I just stared in her direction, and said “right here.” Welp wrong answer! Lol, I got her typical “are you serious!?” Look(I get that look a lot!!! That’s how I have come to know what it is!). And she replied “how much time is on it J!? You know I know where the rice actually is!” This is how I answer questions that aren’t explained properly. Hence the thread I made of what I hear on a weekly basis! And today I said 2 things that I didn’t realize were rude or immature. My wife and son got sick this week, from a coworker of my wife’s. And so my wife took today off and laid around with our son. Well when I got home from work I asked her if she talked to her friend and told her that she got her and our son sick and that’s why she’s not at work. I guess your not supposed to say that to friends or co workers because it’s very rude! Had no clue. And the third thing I am really having a hard time remembering right now, but it was towards my son, and I got told about that too. I really can’t control the way I say things. I’m not trying to get people angry or offended! But I am so used to it, I pretty much just say sorry and leave it at that

 

[Ragnahawk]

Ok so just an update, so far this week I have said a few things in the house that I have noticed, I used to not realize it at all. On Tuesday my wife called me when she was leaving her job and told me to start rice in the rice cooker, no problem got it. Well these cookers can take some time and she didn’t want to cook the rest of the dinner until the rice was close to done. So I’m standing at the spot where we always have it sitting and she asks me “where is the rice at?” I just stared in her direction, and said “right here.” Welp wrong answer! Lol, I got her typical “are you serious!?” Look(I get that look a lot!!! That’s how I have come to know what it is!). And she replied “how much time is on it J!? You know I know where the rice actually is!” This is how I answer questions that aren’t explained properly. Hence the thread I made of what I hear on a weekly basis! And today I said 2 things that I didn’t realize were rude or immature. My wife and son got sick this week, from a coworker of my wife’s. And so my wife took today off and laid around with our son. Well when I got home from work I asked her if she talked to her friend and told her that she got her and our son sick and that’s why she’s not at work. I guess your not supposed to say that to friends or co workers because it’s very rude! Had no clue. And the third thing I am really having a hard time remembering right now, but it was towards my son, and I got told about that too. I really can’t control the way I say things. I’m not trying to get people angry or offended! But I am so used to it, I pretty much just say sorry and leave it at that

You've been reading it? Your going to have to figure out how to compromise with people. Learn how to explain what you are bad at without telling them you have asperger's.

 

[Ragnahawk]

If your worried you'll be seen as a freak now. Let me just say, everybody has to compromise. That's how you build bridges.