Pressure

[Chris12345]

I often feel a background sense of pressure, like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. It's not about anything specific that I can figure out, just a nebulous sense of pressure.

I've had this issue for a long time, I assume it must be connected with autism. It's not there all the time, but often and sometimes I become very conscious of it (like today) and start asking myself where it comes from.

I don't have specific anxiety problems, like social anxiety or anything. It's just there in the background like a heavy weight, probably more when I'm on my own than when I'm with others.

I sometimes think if I could put myself in perspective better and tame my ego then that would help. But I never seem to manage to get over that hurdle.

There could be an element of internalised ableism about it, a feeling that I'm not keeping up with other people who aren't autistic. Like a lot of autistic people I'm good at some things, but not at other things.

I'd like to find a way to release this pressure. Does anyone else relate to this? Any suggestions or constructive comments would also be welcome.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

That pressure you could be feeling is a combination of a lot of things, I suppose. I feel that background pressure, as well. All those responsibilities to myself, my family, my students, my coworkers, the bills that need to be paid, the goals that I am seeking in the future, the constant impingement upon my personal freedoms with all the laws, guidelines, policies and procedures, hierarchies, chain of command, stupid people around me, and frankly, just living amongst other people in general. It seems like I have all these things that need to get done, all the things I want to get done, and then all the things that are constraints holding me back. Some days seem like such a slog, like trying to run in heavy, sloppy mud. I'm moving forward, but it sure isn't easy.

Everyone has a different threshold for when freedom is impinged upon, I guess. I would like to be in a situation where the chains are released and I could just take off and fly.

I don't think my life is special in this regard, as I believe most people likely feel the same sorts of things.

 

[Chris12345]

Thanks for the reply.

I've been trying lately to be around people I get on with and avoid, if at all possible, those I don't. I particularly want to avoid people who are domineering and controlling, or arrogant and obnoxious. I don't like conflict, but when I run in to some people it's almost unavoidable, because of the way they try to impose themselves. So I'm learning to just avoid those kinds of people to protect my mental health.

But I'm not sure it's that that causes the pressure. It may be partly being out of line with the general run of people psychologically. I was around some people lately and I just couldn't relate to them at all, found them totally superficial and obnoxious, to the point where there was clearly no point in engaging them in conversation.

On the other hand, I can find people I get on with if I go to the right places. But trying to sustain a sense of authenticity in my actions and values in the face of different types of people may be one source of the pressure.

I think I prize authenticity above almost anything else, and I'm not able to adapt chameleon like to different people and environments. Or, I'm prepared to adapt, but not to the point where I sacrifice too much of my values and authenticity. Makes it difficult to 'get on'.

Could also be to do with feeling I should be doing more, achieving more. I do push myself quite hard and it never feels like enough.

So those are some of the possible reasons for that feeling.

 

[Aspychata]

This intensity of pressure is worst if you have catastrophic thinking. For me, having too many bills, or too many deadlines pushes me hard. l have said to myself, if l don't do this or get that together, okay then just accept it. l find this helps me adjust my thinking a bit. But @Neonatal RRT 's explanation as usual was spot on, along with all the other helpful responses. Good post.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I feel like the older I get, the more I feel the whole world's problems heaviness on my shoulders. Maybe that's similar to what you describe?

No matter how much I do, there's always something else. There are responsibilities and tasks - earning a living, keeping my home clean, keeping myself fed, keeping in touch with friends and family, all with the autism filter which turns up the sounds, lights, smells, and makes things more difficult here and there. Then there are personal issues that are always on the back burner - health problems of family members, conflicts between family members, my own problems, my partner's problems. And then there's the world - war, unstable politics, climate. Maybe I'm just one of those people who can't deal well with those things. I am amazed at how other people my age just discuss things like politics, war or climate change. Me, each time those topics get brought up, my chest clenches, my hands start sweating, my brain starts spiraling. I can't deal with those things "like an adult", they terrify me too much.

Those global things are a constant background humming, the personal issues are like louder chords in regular frequency, and the daily responsibilities and tasks are the melody in the front of my brain. All of this creates a symphony of worry.
And I don't consider myself having generalized anxiety disorder or something like that. I worry a lot, but I don't feel like it's in a pathological amount. There's just a lot going on, for all of us, and some people take it lighter than others. I don't know either how or why that is.

My tactics are:
- I try not to expose myself too much to the background humming. I check the news now and then, and my partner sometimes brings something up in conversation, but apart from that, I try to suppress. I'm a fairly good suppressor. I don't know if it's the healthiest way, but it works for me, and I don't really see the point in overly exposing myself to all of those global problems which I can't influence anyway, they can only terrify me.
- Find ways to relax - which I find hard - and incorporate those into your daily life. For me, that's mainly reading and watching movies and series. Talk about escapism - but it works for me. A good novel or a good series can really distract me for a certain time, and those are much-needed breaks for me.
- Another way to distract myself - not filling my head with other content, but really emptying my head - is sports. I do kickboxing, and during a session I usually don't think about anything outside of the session because my head is busy thinking about the sport.

 

[Chris12345]

The general state of the world, as you say, is another one that I forgot to mention. There are so many problems. The general state of the world is, in many ways, atrocious. From climate change, to inequality, to war, to exploitation. I'm lucky I live in a country that is fairly functional (the UK). I wouldn't fancy living somewhere in the 'developing' world, or somewhere like Mexico.

These problems can seem overwhelming and make things seem hopeless. It's also the fact our 'leaders' don't seem concerned to do anything constructive to solve these problems.

So that does play a part in the general background pressure. It's like a feeling of: things are insane and it's a crisis situation, but no one seems to care. It feeds into a sense that I'm out of tune with the general run of people.

Obviously one person can't do much to solve those problems, so it's best to focus on what I can do something about, things that I'm personally involved with. I think you have to be aware of the state of the world but find a way not to let it get you down too much. Also, there are positive things going on around the world too, plenty of them all over the place. Local initiatives, etc.

Expecting too much of myself might be playing a part in the sense of pressure I mentioned. Trying to get that balance of expectations is difficult - not too high, but not too low either, so I'm not selling myself short.