Problems with neighbour and church.

[unperson]

thass great chocky!

 

[Juliettaa]

An update - I was advised by hte housing association to log it in the anti-social unit, after talking to them about a gate and bamboo screen so I did.

They were absolutely great and it made a huge difference to me to have that support and validation. They knew straight away that it was intimidation and Discriminatory Abuse and said that it happens all the time to older women living alone. Wow what a difference!

In fact he had been psycholgically abusing me for a few years by trying to stop me having contact with his wife so yes he is a bully.

My head had been in a spin because of the lack of validation of the abuse from the minister, who has mistakenly been insisting that it is a mediation issue and to think about my faults in the matter grrrrr.

So I am now able to advocate for myself and get this minister retrained.

I am now empowered to deal with it properly and the first thing I have done is to get in touch with the mother church who have a Safegurding Policy and ask them to explain what it means and how they ascertain an adult with support needs (of which I have not been recognised)

This is really positive news @chocoholic. Well done for being tenacious and not accepting being bullied by your neighbour.

Social housing providers such as your housing association will have terms of tenancy and any breaches of the tenancy agreement should be dealt with in line with the housing providers policy. It's really good that your concerns have been listened to and that you now feel supported.

With regards to the church, I have my own views which I won't post here as they're not all positive. However, just because someone claims to be Christian and goes to church on a regular basis does not make them a good person.

There are good people and there are bad people. Period.

Your neighbour appears to fall into the latter category.

 

[Mary Lyn]

I'm feeling down about the situation.

The problem is more about the minister now. Every contact l have with him, usually email, has been making me feel worse because of his refusal to see the neighbour as a bully.

My argument is that he should have recognised me as an adult at risk or vulnerable, and according to the Safeguarding Policy which the church is supposed to withhold, when l first reported the incident which is now nearly six weeks ago, should have had someone out to see me quickly to give me support. Whoever it was should have made sure that the risk of a further episode was reduced, even by banning the abuser from church.

What the minister has done is blame the victim, asking me to consider where l might have been at fault and say that maybe people find me cold!

Because of childhood abuse this invalidation is psychologically harmful to me so the minister is now my abuser! I am suffering psychological effects of this now.

He wanted to set up a meeting between the couple next door and bring in another aging couple from the church that the three of us sit near. This is apparently so that there can be mediation but with three of them in denial about the bullying, l don't think it will help me and what more can be said that hasn't already be said?

So l said please put it on hold l want to talk to others from the mother church who are involved with carrying out the Policy for their support about the failure of the minister to apply it to me.

So now, the minister being unhappy, is acting as though it is all my fault for non co operation. Someone told me that if l try to take this further it will backfire on me and hurt me more because of the old boy network.

One thing l did do was go out in the garden when they were out instead of hiding in my flat, and talk to them, the first time since the offence about how the adjoining fence is rotting and that l have asked the landlord to replace so that it will take the weight of a screen. So that went okay and they know l am speaking to them.

This is really getting me down. I feel so alone.

 

[Wolfnox]

With regards to the church, I have my own views which I won't post here as they're not all positive. However, just because someone claims to be Christian and goes to church on a regular basis does not make them a good person.

Agreed. The hope is by being in church and hearing the gospel preached. That person will turn from sin. But the person themselves has to want to change his ways. Reject his sinful or bad doings and do good.
Im still a christan but independent of the church for my own reasons.

 

[Wolfnox]

I'm feeling down about the situation.

The problem is more about the minister now. Every contact l have with him, usually email, has been making me feel worse because of his refusal to see the neighbour as a bully.

My argument is that he should have recognised me as an adult at risk or vulnerable, and according to the Safeguarding Policy which the church is supposed to withhold, when l first reported the incident which is now nearly six weeks ago, should have had someone out to see me quickly to give me support. Whoever it was should have made sure that the risk of a further episode was reduced, even by banning the abuser from church.

What the minister has done is blame the victim, asking me to consider where l might have been at fault and say that maybe people find me cold!

Because of childhood abuse this invalidation is psychologically harmful to me so the minister is now my abuser! I am suffering psychological effects of this now.

He wanted to set up a meeting between the couple next door and bring in another aging couple from the church that the three of us sit near. This is apparently so that there can be mediation but with three of them in denial about the bullying, l don't think it will help me and what more can be said that hasn't already be said?

So l said please put it on hold l want to talk to others from the mother church who are involved with carrying out the Policy for their support about the failure of the minister to apply it to me.

So now, the minister being unhappy, is acting as though it is all my fault for non co operation. Someone told me that if l try to take this further it will backfire on me and hurt me more because of the old boy network.

One thing l did do was go out in the garden when they were out instead of hiding in my flat, and talk to them, the first time since the offence about how the adjoining fence is rotting and that l have asked the landlord to replace so that it will take the weight of a screen. So that went okay and they know l am speaking to them.

This is really getting me down. I feel so alone.

If i may. Forgive him and remember he is still a man. A man makes mistakes. As for loneliness. Always remember God is with you. He is not confined to a church. He will help you. Trust him to help sort this out.

 

[Aspychata]

This takes time, things are moving slow but you are still a little better off. Think that you have to let the church know that you will not be bullied by them, you need to feel safe in this man's presence after he constantly harrassed you. Can you bring relatives or friends to the sit down meeting? Maybe that will help you come from a feeling of strength. Maybe this man is aware that anymore threatening behaviour will not be tolerated and he will get a police visit. The church really can't do anything except to try to get you to back down; this is why the pastor is suddenly having a cow with you. If they can get you to back down, then that negates any future complaints by you. l say stand your ground, don't cave in, and let the pastor know this man was threatening and abusive and that behavior is never tolerated by any church. As a female, l have been harrassed by so many men starting at a very young age, it's a path all woman walk, and we need to stand up to it.

 

[Mary Lyn]

I don't think the man will be verbally abusive now that he knows l will report it. What l think he will do instead is destroy my reputation for revenge and drop hints to people that l am mentally unstable so they will not believe what l say. He seems this type. Covert narcissist maybe.

I have been very honest with the minster in telling him about getting in touch with the people who have done the Policy training, one being on holiday at the moment but back soon, and he has been in touch with them, the other one l asked to meet but has not replied to me. There are people higher up with this.

I feel that the minister is being passive aggressive in all of this and has been refusing help because he dislikes me. I don't think it was a mistake. He knows l am socially isolated and chronically sick but has done nothing to help me with this situation.

And no l do not have anybody l could ask to come to a meeting. I am wondering whether l should ask for a social worker because of my housing situation as l have been bullied often as well and three times now where l live in his complex of social housing flats where antisocial people seem to be in a high proportion.

Thanks guys just having somewhere to talk about this helps a lot.

 

[Mary Lyn]

I have forgiven the man and feel sorry for his wife

I see now that things blew up between us and was inevitable because l had been feeling hurt because in the two years l have been living next door, and being told by them they were born again Christians, But the five years previous when l lived opposite, l had no idea and none of the neighbours said they went to church. They were who told me about the church.

So l had hoped l would have fellowship with them, and for non Christians reading, we are supposed to treat each other like family. So l asked early on if we could get together to pray for the neighbours and study the Bible together. The woman came twice and we did this but the second time, someone knocked at the door and when l opened it, it was her husband.

He just walked straight in without an invitation saying in his joking way ' is my wife here?' she got up and they both left without explanation and she never came again. He also put up a plastic greenhouse where his wife and l used to have a bit if a chat over the fence, so he has done all he could to dissuade any friendship and even when my car was off the road for a month, they offered no help.

 

[Aspychata]

Okay, sorry to hear that. Not sure what to say. Perhaps you can find another person to talk story and church with. That will blow away some of the current feelings you have. Does the church have a female group of woman who get together, even if you do this once a month, you will feel more connected socially.