Question about aexuality

[Aryana]

I am curious can someone be asexual but still be physically attracted to someone? I am only asking this because I have a guy friend who has never had an intimate relationship. He is in his forties I I am pretty sure he is attracted to me . However at his age and never having a sexual relationship makes me wonder if he has no desire and possibly asexual.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

going by dictionary definition, i'd say no: asexual (3b) "not having sexual feelings toward others : not experiencing sexual desire or attraction"

i'm in my late twenties and haven't been in a relationship. i know forties is much older, but i personally have been attracted to plenty of people, it's just never turned into anything, and i still dont understand exactly why.

if you think he likes you, and you like him, why not say something about it? he might just be shy! if he is asexual and you're friends, maybe he'll just explain, "oh, no i'm flattered but i'm not interested in romance."

there's a lot that's beyond my knowledge, but one thing i do know is that you'll never find out if you keep it to yourself!

edit: i guess it is possible that an asexual person could acknowledge someone's attractiveness without being attracted, but i'm just spitballing.

 

[Luca]

I’m asexual and in a relationship. I experience aesthetic attraction, but not sexual attraction. Like I can feel that someone is pretty, and I can love them as a partner, but I don’t want to be intimate with them.
Hope that makes sense.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Asexuals can be physically attracted to people (whatever that means) as long as they don't have a sexual desire or want sex. Aromantic people don't get romantically attracted to other people, which might be more what you are talking about. I'm asexual, and don't personally get physically attracted to people. I acknowledge beauty, but don't particularly care how people look. However, I'm not aromantic so I do get romantically attracted to people, I would just rather go without the sexual stuff, don't imagine them naked, etc. What matters most to me is connection and personality.

However, I don't see anything indicating he's asexual from your comment, both the current one and previous ones you have made on the forum. Have you asked him? I agree with what @AutistAcolyte said. He could just have difficulties socially, be anxious, or any of a million other potential reasons for not having been in relationships much before.

It feels like asexuality is an "out" for you. A simple answers to quench your anxieties without actually taking the important step of speaking openly with him about your feelings and asking if he would like to bring your relationship to the next level. You are the only one who can do that, and musing about any number of possible explanations for his behaviour won't bring you closer to an answer unless you ask him.

 

[Luca]

Yes, I was just going to point out that asexuality and being aromantic are two different things, like @Stuttermabolur said.

Not all asexuals are aromantic (people who are truly aromantic don’t experience romantic attraction or “love” in the traditional sense.)

I definitely have romantic feelings for my partner but I don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone at all. But I don’t think I even experience romantic feelings as intensely as some people do.
I definitely love her, and I’m very affectionate, but I’m not the kind of person who is into big displays and gestures of romance. For me, a “date” doesn’t have to be at a restaurant or a movie, I’m perfectly content getting takeout and watching TV in our pajamas, or playing ball with our dogs in the park.

I am also a very independent person and don’t need to spend every second with a romantic partner even if we are in the same house. I really value space and boundaries (but also quality time, communication, commitment, and affection) to make a relationship work well for me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I was a virgin until 28. Social anxiety and fear of rejection saw to that, though I desired an intimate relationship. So perhaps he is very shy.

I was also poor at social communication and could not see any signs of interest. At that time any woman interested in me would have needed to be direct, and that was not common in the 70s: Guys were expected to make the approach. Yet with some work, I finally connected for a relationship. I did not know how to take that into intimacy, though. Finally I met a woman whose acceptance and kindness let me be vulnerable with her.

Perhaps this article can help you understand. Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women | www.succeedsocially.com

 

[SusanLR]

I definitely have romantic feelings for my partner but I don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone at all. But I don’t think I even experience romantic feelings as intensely as some people do.

This describes my interests and relationships that could be called romantic exactly.
It's difficult to explain to others how you can have romantic feelings without sexual desires.
But I have and some for quite long term.
Yet I know I haven't experienced being "in love" very intensely either.
The guy in OP will probably never make a first move.
I never would. So, the only way to find out is to show some interest or talk about it.

 

[Crusnik]

Most probably he has desire for sure but being socially inept with women, and having social anxiety can criple his confidence to the point where he doesn't make any approaches. He is probably spinning scenarios of rejection inside his head and had convinced himself that it is a certain outcome, so why bother trying. Rejection is very painful for people in this kind of life circumstances.

 

[VictorR]

I just want to add to the excellent responses that sexuality/asexuality itself also exists as a spectrum - e.g. demisexual or demi-ace.

A "textbook" example would be someone who is generally not interested in sex, but is possibly open to it if it's with someone that they have a deep connection with and it's what their partner wants. Of course, being a spectrum, there's lots of variations in the grey zone.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I am curious can someone be asexual but still be physically attracted to someone? I am only asking this because I have a guy friend who has never had an intimate relationship. He is in his forties I I am pretty sure he is attracted to me . However at his age and never having a sexual relationship makes me wonder if he has no desire and possibly asexual.

This is currently what my fiance is dealing with. They are attracted to me but intimate activity holds no pleasure for them.

 

[Kayla55]

Ask him, what he thinks. People can change but if he says it's asexual then it's his reasons.
I had interest when I was younger but never found someone who was right and would rather be alone.
It's about being respectful with asexual because follow other guides in relating to others (unspoken rules) and a person can meet someone and it changes but if it doesn't don't be upset.
I think asexual people don't respond same way, don't just jump into bed for casual sex. Don't start relationships and when goes sour bash and insult the other person and loose dignity and respect. Also asexual people don't switch to multitask flirting and sex with on/off button. Tend to like bit more space.

Well that was me anyway

 

[AO1501]

I am curious can someone be asexual but still be physically attracted to someone? I am only asking this because I have a guy friend who has never had an intimate relationship. He is in his forties I I am pretty sure he is attracted to me . However at his age and never having a sexual relationship makes me wonder if he has no desire and possibly asexual.

I really think you're looking at this from the wrong angle. It is understandable that you wonder, given he appears to lack prior intimate relationships, and for an NT person that would be extremely unusual (though not impossible) by that age without there being a simple explanation like this.

However, he's not an NT, and it isn't really helpful to attach more typically NT-related behaviors to him as explanations.

Because we're so different in many of the emotional aspects of relationships, we tend to experience rejection very commonly, and often it is increasingly damaging to self confidence and ultimately even our sense of actually being able to engage in a meaningful relationship. When all your get is rejection, a rather natural response is to stop trying.

What would make it harder is that if he can't read your motives and intentions, and many of us can't because they're not simple and direct statements of fact but signs and signals being given off for us to interpret somehow, there may be nothing to tell him how to proceed, or even what you want.

Him spending time with you, even when he might have other things to do, could be the only sign he knows to give you that a relationship and being intimate is what he wants, and the fact you're not responding to that simply compounds his belief this isn't what you want.

I'm not in favor of you simply asking him, because firstly that creates a problem he may not have confidence to answer, and it's more likely he'd avoid a response or provide a negative one than anything, in order to protect himself from more rejection, but you likely will need to take the lead rather than being passive.

It is also essential that you realize that he may even identify as asexual, since that would help him explain the lack of intimate prior relationships, but like other sexualities, it can be highly fluid, not fixed like a block of concrete.

While possible that he doesn't find you sexually attractive, there are a million other far smaller things that can be in the way - not many of which are amenable to him explaining. Fear is by far the most likely.

 

[Gerontius]

I would guess based on the first bit of the post, and the fact we know nothing else about this gentleman other than he is of middle age and not much of a rake, that it's just possible he is not looking for a relationship at this time.

 

[Rodafina]

I would guess based on the first bit of the post, and the fact we know nothing else about this gentleman other than he is of middle age and not much of a rake, that it's just possible he is not looking for a relationship at this time.

What is a rake?

 

[Gerontius]

What is a rake?

A rake-hell, a lech, someone who sleeps around a lot. Etymology from someone so good at breaking the commandments you'd have to "rake hell" to find another one like him down among the cinders or something.
English has a very colorful history of bawdy vocabulary.

 

[Rodafina]

A rake-hell, a lech, someone who sleeps around a lot. Etymology from someone so good at breaking the commandments you'd have to "rake hell" to find another one like him down among the cinders or something.
English has a very colorful history of bawdy vocabulary.

Very interesting. Thank you.

 

[Dagan]

I just wanted to mention how much it means that people here can be open and get over fears and just fears of talking about sex and intimate relationships. Much respect and kudos to so many of you here. All of this really is a big help to plenty of people, I have to imagine. I grew up having none of such kind of help, a different time, of course, and I'm fortunate that I was able to steer myself properly learning things, but definitely, all of this actual help going on is invaluable and amazing.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

I just wanted to mention how much it means that people here can be open and get over fears and just fears of talking about sex and intimate relationships. Much respect and kudos to so many of you here. All of this really is a big help to plenty of people, I have to imagine. I grew up having none of such kind of help, a different time, of course, and I'm fortunate that I was able to steer myself properly learning things, but definitely, all of this actual help going on is invaluable and amazing.

oh, i definitely need to learn to take my own advice here, but i can at least recognize that i have a problem!

 

[Aryana]

I really appreciate everyone's advice here.and that many of you were so honest and open. My situation or relationship with him is really confusing. One opinion I got was he doesn't want a relationship which could very well be true .I have posted before how much time he spends with my girls and when they are in another room he will spend hours talking to me. A few weeks ago my girls had a sleepover at a friend's house . I asked him whether he wanted to come over for dinner and hang out. He has been working two jobs. His initial response was I might want to catch up on my sleep. I said to him do you want to give me an answer now? Is that what you want to do? And he said no. So then I message him Thursday night and asked him if he wanted to come over or he wanted to catch up on some sleep. Just let me know. He text me Friday night late and said I should definitely take some rest. Can I call you tomorrow. So I'm like okay. Call me tomorrow. He did end up coming over. He said to me he had a few hours of homework to do. Do I mind him doing that on my house? I said no.

He came over. He did like two or so hours of homework. It was getting late and I knew he was tired. I had pretty much stayed in another room to let him focus on his homework. And then I said well it's late. You can go home if you want. I know you're tired. He just smiled and showed his shoulders which means he wanted to stay. So he ended up staying till 1:00 in the morning. I said okay I'll walk you home. He only lives a couple streets away and his response was who's going to walk you home and I said I'm a big girl. So I ended up walking him home and we were standing in the road outside the front of his house. He said to me as he pulled on my jacket come to the side of the house. I don't want my roommate to see or hear us. I thought that was kind of weird cuz we were pretty much a distance from his roommate's room so he pulls me to the side of the house and he just standing there smiling and then we talked for a few. It was really awkward and I'm thinking maybe he's going to try to kiss me but nothing happened. I just ended up saying thanks for hanging out. Get some rest and I left. So to me but I could be reading this wrong. I feel like he has no sexual interest. I know that he has had no experience that way so that's why I'm questioning him being asexual. I don't really know much about asexuality that's why I was posted this. But like everybody else said, it could also just be a fear of rejection. I feel like I've given him a lot of signs number one. I asked him to come over when the girls were away to me that would have been a sign.

 

[AO1501]

The problem here is quite a simple one - you've given him some pretty obvious and typical NT clues about what you are interested in, but he isn't an NT, so doesn't see them. Or perhaps if you're really lucky, he sees them but isn't confident he had read them correctly, so has hoped you'll make yourself clear. Giving him 'a sign' isn't it.

Some aspies can manage inference and some can't - yours certainly can't. It isn't that he's not interested in you, because everything you write about this makes it clear to me that this very black and white, practically-minded, aspie is trying to tell you that he IS interested in you. If anything, it seems to me that it's YOU who are missing HIS signs.

He came over to your place despite having work to do. He stayed even after you said he was tired. He reminded you that if you walked him home, you'd have to walk back on your own. He sought out some privacy for the two of you when you got there. These may seem innocuous and unimportant, but they're not. They could easily be him telling you - for the first time - that YOU are more important than the work he had to do, that staying with you was his choice rather than going, that staying the night would be good if that's what you wanted, and that kissing would be good if that's what you wanted.

He's not an initiator, that much is totally clear, but he seems to be dropping very big hints, likely hoping you'd pick up on them. When you don't, that's just telling him that it's you who aren't really interested in him, and that his guesses about your motives must have therefore been wrong.

I get that it's hard to be blunt about things because you fear rejection too, but the more you drop your hints and then ignore his, the more tangled up in that fear both of you are going to get.

It is possible, though statistically unlikely, that he's asexual. If he is, there's a distinct possibility he's put himself there because he's never figured out what a woman actually wants of him, so has made it his fault and concluded that women don't want him. Retreating into asexuality would be easier than confronting totally confusing and painful failure. And that's if he is asexual. My bet is he isn't, and he's telling you what he wants in the only way he knows how.