Question about aexuality

[Dagan]

I can second / relate to many of what is said in the post above. I don't know how many times someone had to tell me after the fact that a gal was flirting with me. At the same time, never have I been someone who just touches someone or isn't surprised after being touched, so that can probably make me seem uninterested or cause other issues. A gal that I kind of knew came over and kissed me on the cheek once at a comic convention. I was sitting in a hotel diner booth. Apparently my reaction and whatever look on my face made her feel devastated because it was rather public with others seeing it. She left the area swiftly. I had to process everything and then felt compelled about an hour or so later to find her and have a conversation about it. None of it being my fault, but I had feelings that it was in many ways and wanted badly to apologize. Maybe that's a rambling kind of example. I just wanted to mention that both subtle and very blunt advances can get the unintended or non responses from me, whether I barely know you or whether we've been friends for a long while. Getting to know someone more and more in a mentally / mindset intimacy does help best still, and I hope this doesn't sound too robotic, but it helps me learning a person's patterns. Learning your individual patterns in what you speak, how you act, whatever those then lead to...it's about the only way that I move past any kind of cryptics a person can have when I deal with them. I've mentioned it in other threads, but again, per this exact area, it's about finding my trust and comfort foundation, first...and then the rest of the way forward gets easier and easier. I like to think that I am less and less robotic the more I get comfortable with someone because I'm certainly not in such obvious pauses-before-reactions mode, for lack of better phrasing.

My opinion is to talk about what you feel, what someone makes you feel, makes you want. I understand that many women want spontaneous, surprise, out of nowhere gifts or affections, but even at my level on the spectrum where I seem rather well functioning (and honestly, I'm still not sure how much I mask), I am going to fail more often than not to be that kind of a partner - I'm still going to make mistakes, even if I do know your patterns better. It has nothing to do with not wanting to. I just rarely have that in my already "chess match" mindset dealing with my partner. Romantic relationships are the most complex kind of social dealings because there are countless more expectations and worries going through my head, hence the chess match of moves and counters, all just to not be mistaken or upset someone or get anything wrong. I feel like many of us are reactive compared to initiating when it comes to so many emotions, as well. I didn't mean to rant or ramble. Just offering another opinion. I do believe you can make it work out and be happy.

 

[Aryana]

The problem here is quite a simple one - you've given him some pretty obvious and typical NT clues about what you are interested in, but he isn't an NT, so doesn't see them. Or perhaps if you're really lucky, he sees them but isn't confident he had read them correctly, so has hoped you'll make yourself clear. Giving him 'a sign' isn't it.

Some aspies can manage inference and some can't - yours certainly can't. It isn't that he's not interested in you, because everything you write about this makes it clear to me that this very black and white, practically-minded, aspie is trying to tell you that he IS interested in you. If anything, it seems to me that it's YOU who are missing HIS signs.

He came over to your place despite having work to do. He stayed even after you said he was tired. He reminded you that if you walked him home, you'd have to walk back on your own. He sought out some privacy for the two of you when you got there. These may seem innocuous and unimportant, but they're not. They could easily be him telling you - for the first time - that YOU are more important than the work he had to do, that staying with you was his choice rather than going, that staying the night would be good if that's what you wanted, and that kissing would be good if that's what you wanted.

He's not an initiator, that much is totally clear, but he seems to be dropping very big hints, likely hoping you'd pick up on them. When you don't, that's just telling him that it's you who aren't really interested in him, and that his guesses about your motives must have therefore been wrong.

I get that it's hard to be blunt about things because you fear rejection too, but the more you drop your hints and then ignore his, the more tangled up in that fear both of you are going to get.

It is possible, though statistically unlikely, that he's asexual. If he is, there's a distinct possibility he's put himself there because he's never figured out what a woman actually wants of him, so has made it his fault and concluded that women don't want him. Retreating into asexuality would be easier than confronting totally confusing and painful failure. And that's if he is asexual. My bet is he isn't, and he's telling you what he wants in the only way he knows how.

So I reached out to a friend of his in highschool who was his best friend at the time I don't really know his fiend Justin only friends through FB. I felt a little weird asking .I told him that I had a friend who is interested in Matt(too afraid to say it is me) but I know he's never had a girlfriend do you know why
This was his response to me . Matt never seemed interested in relationships at that time not sure if he had a girlfriend in his 29's or 30's.i said I know Matt pretty well and he has never had a girlfriend then he said I don't doubt you know him well. Matt doesn't really let people in but when he does he really lets them in. You are someone he really connects with This is what he told me. Any thoughts now from.what he said to me?? He also compared Matt to the character Will from Bradbury.

 

[AO1501]

@Aryana

Sorry, I have no idea who 'Will from Bradbury' is, so can't comment on that, but Justin is describing a rather normal, typical, aspie - that's almost exactly how my best friend at school would have described me, and a number of others who knew me in college and beyond too.

Much of the problem is that relationships are social constructs, the dynamics and rules of which make little sense outside the NT world which makes the rules that govern them, so are very difficult for many of us to work out. That doesn't mean we don't want relationships, but they can be like trying to get on a train that's moving, thus very daunting to try for, easy to miss, even easier to fall off even after getting a toe hold on one.

It is easier to become defensive and keep others more distant than take the risk of getting something badly wrong and making a mess of it. Easier to want someone at a distance, than have them disappear entirely because we seem to frighten them off. Not just aspies, but shy people in general often find themselves in this kind of situation.

What is increasingly obvious - probably to everyone but you I would guess - is that your aspie is interested in you. He seems to have let you in when he hasn't done that with others before, and that is highly likely to be a very big deal. Sooner or later you're going to have to actually talk to Matt himself, rather than the rest of us! It's probably best to do that before you accidentally (but invariably) give him the message that it's you who doesn't want him. By now, that's already likely to be a growing reality in his mind.

Matt cannot do the kind of things you expect of him to signal his interest in you, and the danger is that even though this is very, very clear, you will take the lack of those signals to draw a lot of mistaken conclusions.

 

[Aryana]

So I reached out to a friend of his in highschool who was his best friend at the time I don't really know his fiend Justin only friends through FB. I felt a little weird asking .I told him that I had a friend who is interested in Matt(too afraid to say it is me) but I know he's never had a girlfriend do you know why
This was his response to me . Matt never seemed interested in relationships at that time not sure if he had a girlfriend in his 29's or 30's.i said I know Matt pretty well and he has never had a girlfriend then he said I don't doubt you know him well. Matt doesn't really let people in but when he does he really lets them in. You are someone he really connects with This is what he told me. Any thoughts now from.what he said to me?? He also compared Matt to the character Will from Bradbury.

I didn't n

@Aryana

Sorry, I have no idea who 'Will from Bradbury' is, so can't comment on that, but Justin is describing a rather normal, typical, aspie - that's almost exactly how my best friend at school would have described me, and a number of others who knew me in college and beyond too.

Much of the problem is that relationships are social constructs, the dynamics and rules of which make little sense outside the NT world which makes the rules that govern them, so are very difficult for many of us to work out. That doesn't mean we don't want relationships, but they can be like trying to get on a train that's moving, thus very daunting to try for, easy to miss, even easier to fall off even after getting a toe hold on one.

It is easier to become defensive and keep others more distant than take the risk of getting something badly wrong and making a mess of it. Easier to want someone at a distance, than have them disappear entirely because we seem to frighten them off. Not just aspies, but shy people in general often find themselves in this kind of situation.

What is increasingly obvious - probably to everyone but you I would guess - is that your aspie is interested in you. He seems to have let you in when he hasn't done that with others before, and that is highly likely to be a very big deal. Sooner or later you're going to have to actually talk to Matt himself, rather than the rest of us! It's probably best to do that before you accidentally (but invariably) give him the message that it's you who doesn't want him. By now, that's already likely to be a growing reality in his mind.

Matt cannot do the kind of things you expect of him to signal his interest in you, and the danger is that even though this is very, very clear, you will take the lack of those signals to draw a lot of mistaken conclusions.

I didn't know who Will was either but I looked it up. Justin said he was like him nightshade and Matt was Will. Will in the boo spends most of his time thinking. He is quiet, methodical, thoughtful, empathic, and is no hurry to grow up. He wants to stay a child for as long as he can and he does not like going out of his comfort zone. On the other hand, Jim is ordinary, impatient, quick to act desperate to become an adult and not really empathic. He also compared Matt to a Tom Sawyer very peculiar. I do really appreciate your advice. Does a character of will fit anAspie? guess I go back and forth as to whether Matt doesn't want a relationship ever. He's very content being alone . Not everybody wants a relationship. But to me what goes with Asperger's or somebody on the autism spectrum is when he said Matt doesn't really let people in and then when he does he really lets them in and his friend said he is hoping to get back on the inside

I am sorry to keep going over and over this . I just am really confused and afraid to put myself and heart out there .

 

[Judge]

I didn't know who Will was either but I looked it up. Justin said he was like him nightshade and Matt was Will. Will in the boo spends most of his time thinking.

Still don't understand such analogies.

A comic strip? Fictional novel? Does this have a title?

 

[Aryana]

Still don't understand such analogies.

A comic strip? Fictional novel? Does this have a title?

It's a novel "something wicked comes this way "by Ray Bradbury

 

[Judge]

It's a novel "something wicked comes this way "by Ray Bradbury

Ahhhh....thanks. Though I know of that one only vaguely. I'll have to jog my ancient memory...lol.

I was always a big fan of "Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles"....

 

[Aryana]

Ahhhh....thanks. Though I know of that one only vaguely. I'll have to jog my ancient memory...lol.

I was always a big fan of "Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles"....

Yeah, I didn't think I heard of it but maybe I did cuz it sounded vaguely familiar. Tom Sawyer, of course I know. And he also referred to Matt like a Tom Sawyer lol. Yes, those are both good reads. I like them too

 

[Judge]

Yeah, I didn't think I heard of it but maybe I did cuz it sounded vaguely familiar. Tom Sawyer, of course I know. And he also referred to Matt like a Tom Sawyer lol. Yes, those are both good reads. I like them too

Yeah I thought of it when I looked it up, and realized that for some reason I got it mixed up with a Stephen King story...quite unrelated though. Unfortunately I have no idea about the characters Will or Jim Nightshade.

A friend at work once described me as the character Charles Driggs in the movie "Something Wild". Go figure.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I just am really confused and afraid to put myself and my heart out there .

That's abundantly clear, but this is exactly why you need to actually take the step and let him know how you feel, even though it is frightening. At the very least it will lessen your confusion since you'll be getting info "straight from the horse's mouth" rather than from relatives of his or people who are essentially strangers. There's only so much we on the forum can do for you.

The two pieces of advice I see people here give you again and again and again is not to read too much into his hesitation to make some grand romantic gesture or reveal his feelings, as waiting for other to make the first move is perfectly normal for autistic people, and to not give him "signals", just tell him or show him very clearly how you feel. I certainly wouldn't draw the conclusion that you were interested in me from any of the signals you gave him, and my ex tried to give me lots of signals before straight up telling me she was interested in me, as I completely missed all of them.

I don't mind that you are using this forum for info or to relieve your anxiety, but when we tell you that we aren't good with signals after you complain about him not reciprocating signals, and then you come back to tell us about all the signals you gave him in the meantime which he didn't reciprocate, I don't know what more we can say. I really suggest you try taking the step almost everyone is saying you need to take. You won't get your answers from guesswork and anxious thoughts, but he might give you some if you make it clear that he can (i.e. not through signals).

 

[Aryana]

Yeah I thought of it when I looked it up, and realized that for some reason I got it mixed up with a Stephen King story...quite unrelated though. Unfortunately I have no idea about the characters Will or Jim Nightshade.

A friend at work once described me as the character Charles Driggs in the movie "Something Wild". Go figure.

I don't know that I'm going to have to check that out now. I'll get back to you something wild huh

 

[Judge]

I don't know that I'm going to have to check that out now. I'll get back to you something wild huh

Charles was what you'd call a "closet rebel". Conservative on the outside, but a rebel on the inside. A metaphor for unpredictability. Which could be either very good or very bad.....

 

[Stuttermabolur]

PLOT TWIST

@Judge is actually Matt, and has been this whole time!

 

[Aryana]

H

Charles was what you'd call a "closet rebel". Conservative on the outside, but a rebel on the inside. A metaphor for unpredictability. Which could be either very good or very bad.....

mm interesting!! I don't know. Maybe you were a little rebellious in your younger years lol

Charles was what you'd call a "closet rebel". Conservative on the outside, but a rebel on the inside. A metaphor for unpredictability. Which could be either very good or very bad.....

 

[Aryana]

H

Charles was what you'd call a "closet rebel". Conservative on the outside, but a rebel on the inside. A metaphor for unpredictability. Which could be either very good or very bad.....

mm interesting!! I don't know. Maybe you were a little rebellious in your younger years

PLOT TWIST

@Judge is actually Matt, and has been this whole time!

You are funny lol

 

[Judge]

H

mm interesting!! I don't know. Maybe you were a little rebellious in your younger years lol

Nope, actually I became more rebellious as I aged. Unpredictable, eh?

 

[AO1501]

... guess I go back and forth as to whether Matt doesn't want a relationship ever. He's very content being alone . Not everybody wants a relationship. But to me what goes with Asperger's or somebody on the autism spectrum is when he said Matt doesn't really let people in and then when he does he really lets them in and his friend said he is hoping to get back on the inside

I am sorry to keep going over and over this . I just am really confused and afraid to put myself and heart out there .

It is true that some people actually don't have an interest in relationships. I didn't, yet the right person happened, and I'm married and very happy. You also have to ask yourself why on earth this particular aspie is spending so much time with you, making such a degree of conversation, being so committed to your family if what he wants is to be alone.

That, quite simply, makes zero sense at all.

Nor does him spending so much time with you even remotely suggest he is doing anything but letting you in, and since he doesn't do that ever, this is hugely meaningful to him - and it should be to you.

You're confused because you are not seeing him for who he is, but for who you expect him to be, and if there's one thing it looks like he doesn't do, is play at being other people. That means what you see is what you get, and to me, you seem to be getting a person who likes you, wants to spend time with you, is open to moving forward in a relationship of some kind with you, and is meeting what he'll see as a bit of a brick wall.

And believe me, if it looks like a brick wall to me, then to him, when he's investing time, energy, his known and predictable existence in you, it's soon going to look insurmountable.

Nobody here can tell you what Matt is thinking, but pretty much universally, we're telling you the same kind of thing - and asking us the same questions isn't really going to change that. It's understandable that you're afraid, but if you don't act, and do it on HIS terms rather than yours, you are likely to lose anyway.

 

[Aryana]

It is true that some people actually don't have an interest in relationships. I didn't, yet the right person happened, and I'm married and very happy. You also have to ask yourself why on earth this particular aspie is spending so much time with you, making such a degree of conversation, being so committed to your family if what he wants is to be alone.

That, quite simply, makes zero sense at all.

Nor does him spending so much time with you even remotely suggest he is doing anything but letting you in, and since he doesn't do that ever, this is hugely meaningful to him - and it should be to you.

You're confused because you are not seeing him for who he is, but for who you expect him to be, and if there's one thing it looks like he doesn't do, is play at being other people. That means what you see is what you get, and to me, you seem to be getting a person who likes you, wants to spend time with you, is open to moving forward in a relationship of some kind with you, and is meeting what he'll see as a bit of a brick wall.

And believe me, if it looks like a brick wall to me, then to him, when he's investing time, energy, his known and predictable existence in you, it's soon going to look insurmountable.

Nobody here can tell you what Matt is thinking, but pretty much universally, we're telling you the same kind of thing - and asking us the same questions isn't really going to change that. It's understandable that you're afraid, but if you don't act, and do it on HIS terms rather than yours, you are likely to lose anyway.

I definitely hear what you are saying. I do question why he spends this much time with me and my kids if he wants to be alone. I have this argument with one of my friends all the time cuz she thinks he wants to be alone and doesn't have any interest in any sort of relationship. I always say them. Why is he spending this much time with me and my girls..


For example, last night he came for guitar lessons. Then I asked him if he could help mount my TV on the wall which he did. I had gotten burritos and my girls decided that they were going to go eat at their dad's. So it was just me and him. I said to him I got you a burrito. Do you want to take it home or do you want to eat it here? And he said I'm very hungry. I'm going to eat it here. He literally lived two streets away not even 2 minutes so I'm pretty sure he just wanted to hang out with me. He was pretty quiet that night. I had to initiate and continue most of the conversation which is kind of unusual as of lately. Then I walked him home and I said goodbye and he gets all quiet and shy and says bye.
However, my younger daughter didn't eat her burrito and when Matt is here with them he usually finishes her food so I ended up taking it over to his house. He opened the door and said hello and I said the usual Ella didn't eat her burrito so you can have it and then I said they had a new sauce. Let me know what you think. He ended up leaving his front door open and walking and sitting on the couch right there and his living room. So I said can I come in and he said of course I think he wanted me to come in. That's why he didn't just take the burrito and say thank you and close the door. He left the door open and sat on the couch looking at me. So then I came in and I saw that he was doing his lesson for his Chinese class tomorrow and I said well I don't want to interrupt I see you're doing your lesson. And he said no. I'm done. I finished it. I said okay. So I talked for a few minutes and I said well. I don't want to keep you. I know you're busy and he shruggs his shoulders and smiles as if to say not really you know, but he didn't verbally say it. So then I talked it a little bit longer and then I said it again. I should go. You're probably want to get going with things you need to do and he did it the same thing again shrugs your shoulders and smiles face gets red like a little boy. See I know he didn't want me to leave. I stayed a little longer than said I really should go . He got quiet then said ok bye I said see you next week and left. I'm not sure why I am soo afraid to tell him how I feel eventually I will get the courage.

Let me ask you this if you didn't want me to stay you would tell me right. He would have said yeah I'm busy need to finish this lesson if if didn't want me there?? Do you from what I told you he likes me more than a friend?

 

[AO1501]

Let me ask you this if you didn't want me to stay you would tell me right. He would have said yeah I'm busy need to finish this lesson if if didn't want me there?? Do you from what I told you he likes me more than a friend?

It's much easier than you are thinking it to be.

He is actually yelling you, over and over, that he's interested in you, and wants to spend time with you. In response, you keep telling him all the reasons he shouldn't - that he's busy with homework, is tired, that you don't want to keep him up/busy/distracted, that you should go... It is going to seem to him that you're pushing him away, and honestly, you might want to stop doing that!

I don't know exactly how it is that he likes you, whether it's as a friend or more than that, but it is a certainty that he likes you, and that he's doing everything he knows how to do to tell you that.

First off then, stop telling him all the reasons he ought to leave you alone. If he's busy, tired or needs time on his own, he can work that out for himself, and will tell you it's time he went or you went. Secondly, instead of telling him that kind of thing, ask him instead. 'Are you busy with your studies? Do you need me to leave you to it, or would you prefer I stay?' He gets the same option, but also the chance to tell you what he wants instead of you telling him.

And when he gets shy and quiet before he or you leaves? That's pretty much him wanting to tell you he doesn't want to leave, or you to leave. He doesn't know how to say that because he hasn't the confidence. Those moments are your best opportunity to move this forwards at least a bit - a simple 'I don't want to go either'/'I don't want you to go either', could work wonders.

 

[Aryana]

It's much easier than you are thinking it to be.

He is actually yelling you, over and over, that he's interested in you, and wants to spend time with you. In response, you keep telling him all the reasons he shouldn't - that he's busy with homework, is tired, that you don't want to keep him up/busy/distracted, that you should go... It is going to seem to him that you're pushing him away, and honestly, you might want to stop doing that!

I don't know exactly how it is that he likes you, whether it's as a friend or more than that, but it is a certainty that he likes you, and that he's doing everything he knows how to do to tell you that.

First off then, stop telling him all the reasons he ought to leave you alone. If he's busy, tired or needs time on his own, he can work that out for himself, and will tell you it's time he went or you went. Secondly, instead of telling him that kind of thing, ask him instead. 'Are you busy with your studies? Do you need me to leave you to it, or would you prefer I stay?' He gets the same option, but also the chance to tell you what he wants instead of you telling him.

And when he gets shy and quiet before he or you leaves? That's pretty much him wanting to tell you he doesn't want to leave, or you to leave. He doesn't know how to say that because he hasn't the confidence. Those moments are your best opportunity to move this forwards at least a bit - a simple 'I don't want to go either'/'I don't want you to go either', could work wonders.

Thanks. I know I gave a tendency of saying things like I don't want to take up. Your time or keep you. Even in the morning when he sees me he will ride over to me to talk. I know he is running late so I usually say Go to work I don't want to make you late I know he can decide for himself but I feel bad. I don't realize it might come off like I am. Pushing him away or that I don't want to be around. That's farthest from the truth. I will try and say things differently.

I have said to him you can stay and hangout but maybe that doesn't really resonate with him. I know I need to be more forward. I know the other night he wanted me to stay but I also know how tired he is . So I felt bad that's why I left. Hopefully he doesn't take it like I didn't want to be there with him.
If I do admit my feelings for him and he doesn't reciprocate will it ruin the friendship we have?

Also I know you all say you can't really tell when someone is interested in you romantically. However what if for some reason you suspect this and you don't like them that way. Would you distance yourself?
I already asked Judge this I want to see what everyone else would do. Thanks