Question about social-emotional reciprocity

[Au Naturel]

My high school acting class was a horrible waste of time. I had to choose an elective from a limited list, and figured I had already learned to act normal enough to get by, so how hard would it be? Prior to the class, I was fairly good at not getting noticed. In the class, we were each "fish-bowled" in front of the class with individual assignments. So I went from being invisible to showcasing my weirdness to the class.

There are some autistic actors who reached the top of their profession. Anthony Hopkins is one. But acting isn't for everyone.

I took acting lessons as an adult and picked up skills I'd never have learned as a kid. The instructor taught a type of method acting where you'd use experiences in your own life to make the acting more genuine. It really isn't an option anymore because my short-term memory has declined considerably over the last few years.

 

[Oz67]

There are some autistic actors who reached the top of their profession. Anthony Hopkins is one. But acting isn't for everyone.

I took acting lessons as an adult and picked up skills I'd never have learned as a kid. The instructor taught a type of method acting where you'd use experiences in your own life to make the acting more genuine. It really isn't an option anymore because my short-term memory has declined considerably over the last few years.

That actually makes sense.

 

[Shevek]

I think that acting can be a great way to deal with the general public in routine affairs, but it is problematic for more serious relationships. I can act normal for a few hours, but might come quite unglued without my quiet time if I were confined to a hospital. Love is also unsatisfying if is going to the character we play rather than our real selves. My ex even kept her mask on for counseling sessions, She'd then adjust the mask for the counselor and report improvements to her friends but was still the same mess in reality.

 

[Oz67]

I think that acting can be a great way to deal with the general public in routine affairs, but it is problematic for more serious relationships. I can act normal for a few hours, but might come quite unglued without my quiet time if I were confined to a hospital. Love is also unsatisfying if is going to the character we play rather than our real selves. My ex even kept her mask on for counseling sessions, She'd then adjust the mask for the counselor and report improvements to her friends but was still the same mess in reality.

Now that makes more sense.

 

[Seladon]

My ex even kept her mask on for counseling sessions, She'd then adjust the mask for the counselor and report improvements to her friends but was still the same mess in reality.

I understand your ex, this is something that happens in my therapy sessions, too. On my part it's not even deliberate or malicious/manipulative, because I don't realise I'm doing it until after I leave, go home and sleep on it. Am trying my best to notice when it happens and stop or pull back, but it's exhausting as well as tricky to catch myself out.

If you've been conditioned enough to fawn or please authorities by 'gaming' deeper realer conversation, to protect you from rejection/confrontation/being 'wrong'/whatever else, then it's hard to break the pattern.

 

[Au Naturel]

I think that acting can be a great way to deal with the general public in routine affairs, but it is problematic for more serious relationships. I can act normal for a few hours, but might come quite unglued without my quiet time if I were confined to a hospital. Love is also unsatisfying if is going to the character we play rather than our real selves. My ex even kept her mask on for counseling sessions, She'd then adjust the mask for the counselor and report improvements to her friends but was still the same mess in reality.

Casual interactions are a kind of performance art for me. I have a few personas, and I'll try out the one that best fits the situation.

NTs do this all the time. They don't consider it masking. To them, it is just part of the social game and being flexible. Some are so flexible they don't have an obvious baseline personality anymore. They become what they need to be in order to fit in.

Most humans really dig conforming to group expectations. Even rebels, nonconformists and rugged individualists are usually just conforming to their clique of rebels, nonconformists and rugged individualists. One needs to rebel in just the right way to belong.

If there's a relationship in the offing, my performance ends. I want my partner to like/love me and not my performance.

I don't "perform" for therapists, either. It would be like hiding chest pains from my doctor, a stunningly counterproductive thing to do. I am what they see. It works out. An employer? Yeah. They get the performance, at least until I am secure in the position. Then, a gradual transition.

 

[Oz67]

Casual interactions are a kind of performance art for me. I have a few personas, and I'll try out the one that best fits the situation.

NTs do this all the time. They don't consider it masking. To them, it is just part of the social game and being flexible. Some are so flexible they don't have an obvious baseline personality anymore. They become what they need to be in order to fit in.

Most humans really dig conforming to group expectations. Even rebels, nonconformists and rugged individualists are usually just conforming to their clique of rebels, nonconformists and rugged individualists. One needs to rebel in just the right way to belong.

If there's a relationship in the offing, my performance ends. I want my partner to like/love me and not my performance.

I don't "perform" for therapists, either. It would be like hiding chest pains from my doctor, a stunningly counterproductive thing to do. I am what they see. It works out. An employer? Yeah. They get the performance, at least until I am secure in the position. Then, a gradual transition.

That is an interesting point to consider.

 

[stevens]

There are a lot of comments about acting here. I agree with most of them and have used these techniques to mask many of the more off-putting aspects of my own presentation. They do work best when they are used in certain limited channels. For example, if you are speaking to a group and the main focus is your speech, it is easier to learn how to speak well. Mannerisms are harder to define and improve.

However, no matter how much most autistic people study these "median acceptable NT mannerisms," when we try to apply them in real time or in a situation where we are interacting with more than one person then it is inevitable that the reality behind the mask starts to leak out. And so, these acting tricks work best in superficial or casual social interactions. Where the stakes are higher and the interactions are more in-depth, they'll seldom work for long.

And all this doesn't even get into the questions of whether masking to the goal of being accepted is all that good for our mental health, or whether it's benefits outweigh the costs of social isolation in the long run.

 

[Hypnalis]

@stevens

The "social bandwidth constraint" can be improved through (self) training and practice too.
Improved bandwidth reduces the stress a lot. And there's a (related) bonus: it gives you more time to frame what you want to say.

Not to "perfection" of course, but as the saying goes, "Perfection is the enemy of sufficient".

"Within NT norms" is enough for us: being part of a group of 3 (ideally but not necessarily 4) people is good enough for "NT compliance".
Next time you're in a group, count how many other people the most and least social NT can handle simultaneously.
You might be surprised. Also it's a good start for "bandwidth training".

Note: this isn't simple of course. For example a good storyteller can hold a lot of people, but the interactions aren't personal in the sense that I mean above. I've "held" an audience of 150 a couple of times in formal presentations, but there's no great difference between 3 and 100 when delivering a technical presentation, so that doesn't count either. Similarly some topics are limited to two people (total).

A side comment on acting classes:
They are designed for NT's, so I wouldn't expect them to be particularly useful for most NDs.
OFC there will be exceptions - an empathy deficit can probably be leveraged for acting (it certainly works for "Dark Triad" ). For myself, I wasn't able to get to that point until after I'd resolved the worst of the bandwidth issue.

So now, when it doesn't matter, and wouldn't benefit me, I could take an acting class and not hate it /lol.

 

[Oz67]

You guys made some good points to consider.