Question for those with Autism

[Neonatal RRT]

I sincerely appreciate all those who took the time to reply to my post. Each post truly highlighted something insightful that I felt we as parents should keep in mind.

Some of the comments were reminders that as parents we can always be better informed and equipped to support our child’s needs.

Some of the posts underscored my intuitive concerns. Particularly that the world outside of our home is not going to change to accommodate him, in fact as Neonatal RRT said “there is a small percentage of people who will identify and target the autistic individual in order to take advantage of them”.

Also, as Hypnalis suggested we as parents (and from what I have observed most professionals) are “generally poor teachers” and some can do harm.

I did come away with some new books and techniques to look into/ possible recommend to him.

Unfortunately, I also came away with the impression that there were not already well-developed techniques, games, etc. for learning the NT “language and culture”. I thought for sure helpful methods would have been established by now, No?

As a parent myself, 2 boys, now 27 and 29, all I can say to you is to be aware of what is out there in this new world, and DO NOT SHELTER them from it. Quite literally, expose them to all the harm and evil that is out there, and then use yourself, the parent, to be the mentor on how to face these things head on, look it in the eye, recognize it for what it is, and then make the better choice.

The moment you try to hide pornography, drugs, religious cults, psychopaths and narcissistic sociopaths, etc. is the moment you put your child at risk because they will walk right up to it and not have any clue of the potential path they are on. It's then that you loose your child.

I know that you are looking for resources out there, but to be quite honest, you just have to have that sort of interpersonal relationship where you can just bring up a topic, spoon feed him, and move on. If he feels he's being lectured to, he's going to shut down. To be clear though, just being blunt and straight with him will be the best policy I can think of, and at 14, he's old enough to get the straight talk.

 

[MNAus]

One other comment. Quite a lot of the challenges of autism, for me personally at least, become accentuated when I feel cornered or lack self belief. Things like needing predictability, stimming, black/white thinking, rigidity in thinking, etc. are accentuated when I don't believe in my ability to navigate or succeed in a situation. I guess these are my :go-to" tools for dealing with the world, so when things seem high risk and my confidence in working outside my comfort zone drops, I head towards what I know. This can be a vicious circle as it can cause more friction with the outside world, more self doubt, and more receding into the familiar.

The exit is to recognise that different isn't wrong. That doesn't mean it's always going to work, but that it's not the fault of the person with autism. If you can really feel that in your heart, it makes life easier.

 

[Au Naturel]

I sincerely appreciate all those who took the time to reply to my post. Each post truly highlighted something insightful that I felt we as parents should keep in mind.

Some of the comments were reminders that as parents we can always be better informed and equipped to support our child’s needs.

Some of the posts underscored my intuitive concerns. Particularly that the world outside of our home is not going to change to accommodate him, in fact as Neonatal RRT said “there is a small percentage of people who will identify and target the autistic individual in order to take advantage of them”.

Also, as Hypnalis suggested we as parents (and from what I have observed most professionals) are “generally poor teachers” and some can do harm.

I did come away with some new books and techniques to look into/ possible recommend to him.

Unfortunately, I also came away with the impression that there were not already well-developed techniques, games, etc. for learning the NT “language and culture”. I thought for sure helpful methods would have been established by now, No?

You can't learn to be an NT because you aren't. Your brain isn't wired the same. It would be like a gay person learning to be straight. It doesn't happen, but one might learn mimicry and self-delusion.

The best you can do is learn techniques to adapt, adjust, and acclimate. Even if you accept how others think and feel (many autistic people find this acceptance almost impossible), you're working on algorithms rather than instinct. So you also need to learn techniques to maintain self-respect and self-confidence in the headwinds of the larger culture.

 

[Cryptid]

What kind of things would you tell your younger self if you could?

• A person who is nice to you does not necessarily like you.
• Childhood is not forever; but child-like interests never go out of style.
• Having a girlfriend carries as much responsibility as any other relationship.
• No one really cares about your feelings, so do not expect them to.
• You have to be able to provide something that other people might want.

What resources or methods would you recommend to yourself?

• Fight back. Fight hard. Fight dirty. Make them hurt. Make them regret.
• Learn a second language; one that you might actually use.
• Learn to play an instrument; one that people might actually listen to.
• Play a sport, any sport; sitting on the sidelines is for losers.
• Study, study, study; learn everything you can, even the boring stuff.

 

[Misty Avich]

• Fight back. Fight hard. Fight dirty. Make them hurt. Make them regret.

The only one I can do. I think. And I'm going to do it.

 

[Au Naturel]

The only one I can do. I think. And I'm going to do it.

I don't see that as an option. You gain nothing by angering/hurting other people except people who want to hurt you back. The best answer is usually to walk away.

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't see that as an option. You gain nothing by angering/hurting other people except people who want to hurt you back. The best answer is usually to walk away.

They have already hurt me. Why should they get away with it?

 

[MNAus]

I don't see that as an option. You gain nothing by angering/hurting other people except people who want to hurt you back. The best answer is usually to walk away.

I'm not at the point where I want to hurt people, but I am at the point where the only way to keep my head above water is to play dirty. Only problem is I don't really know how. My brain defaults to "they're probably going to do what they say" and "they're probably going to keep their word". So I do my best by others. They just don't do the same back, generally.

I've been homeless because of this. I'm desperate to learn how to do "I'm alright jack". Example, lying on your resume. I can't imagine doing that. Its like there is a forcefield I bounce off. Just can't do it. It's just wrong. Very frustrating, and something I wish I had learned to do when younger.

 

[Au Naturel]

They have already hurt me. Why should they get away with it?

They have already "gotten away with it." There is no way to turn back time to stop it from happening, but you can always make your own situation worse. Eye for an eye eventually leaves everyone blind. Walk away from it - and them. Put it behind you and move on.

 

[Misty Avich]

They have already "gotten away with it." There is no way to turn back time to stop it from happening, but you can always make your own situation worse. Eye for an eye eventually leaves everyone blind. Walk away from it - and them. Put it behind you and move on.

That's what they need to be told and to do.

 

[Cryptid]

I don't see that as an option. You gain nothing by angering/hurting other people except people who want to hurt you back. The best answer is usually to walk away.

Did you miss the first statement in that line? It says, "Fight back." This should ALWAYS be an option, especially against bullies and other oppressors.

 

[Au Naturel]

Did you miss the first statement in that line? It says, "Fight back." This should ALWAYS be an option, especially against bullies and other oppressors.

Fighting back is only an option if there is no other option. It is the last resort.

In the case of an emotional hurt, the victim is better off to disengage and walk away. If you disassociate from them, they can't hurt you anymore.

"You hurt me, so I'll hurt you!" is nothing but vengeance. The target you just got your revenge on gets invested in returning the favor and a vicious cycle is born.

 

[Cryptid]

Fighting back is only an option if there is no other option. It is the last resort.

In the case of an emotional hurt, the victim is better off to disengage and walk away. If you disassociate from them, they can't hurt you anymore.

"You hurt me, so I'll hurt you!" is nothing but vengeance. The target you just got your revenge on gets invested in returning the favor and a vicious cycle is born.

This reads like what every teacher and school administrator would say to me whenever I told them that bullies were attacking me -- "Just walk away and they won't hurt you", which was a such a hot, steaming, dumpload of bovine excrement back then that I can still smell it after over five decades have past.

It was not until I fought back and put someone in the hospital that the bullies stopped beating on me.

The only thing bullies respect is someone who fights back and hurts them.

 

[Au Naturel]

This reads like what every teacher and school administrator would say to me whenever I told them that bullies were attacking me -- "Just walk away and they won't hurt you", which was a such a hot, steaming, dumpload of bovine excrement back then that I can still smell it after over five decades have past.

It was not until I fought back and put someone in the hospital that the bullies stopped beating on me.

The only thing bullies respect is someone who fights back and hurts them.

That's not what I said. If the bully swings at you, it is too late to walk away. You defend yourself. You are forced into your last resort.

Every martial arts class I have ever taken teaches that the best way to win a fight is to avoid it. I studied Tae Kwon Do specifically to deal with bullies. But many people are physically or emotionally incapable of putting up a defense, let alone a counterattack. They have to pursue a different route.

Many teachers, administrators, and government officials don't believe in self-defense. They are idiots, supported in this by people who have never had to defend themselves. Most people today have never had to defend themself against violence.

If you can, this is the best defense against an attacker:

 

[Au Naturel]

That's what they need to be told and to do.

You can only control what you do. You cannot control other people. Haters gonna hate and players gonna play. What ought to happen and what will happen are often not related.

 

[Misty Avich]

This reads like what every teacher and school administrator would say to me whenever I told them that bullies were attacking me -- "Just walk away and they won't hurt you", which was a such a hot, steaming, dumpload of bovine excrement back then that I can still smell it after over five decades have past.

It was not until I fought back and put someone in the hospital that the bullies stopped beating on me.

The only thing bullies respect is someone who fights back and hurts them.

Yes I hate when people tell me to just ignore them and walk away. I also hate when people tell you that bullies are just cowards or whatever. But it's like the TV show Arthur,
where Binky is portrayed as the typical bully who's actually cowardly and naturally a nice boy. That is not a bully. The real bully is Francine, a popular, outgoing girl.

I hate when people just say "they bully because they're unhappy with themselves". Well I've always been unhappy with myself but I've never bullied (although according to another website, I have bullied). And just the thought of people seeing me as a bully makes me just hate myself even more and wallow in shame and guilt.

 

[DuckRabbit]

@AverageJoe

Would you mind clarifying what you mean by "high functioning"?

Most use that term to mean of average or more than average intelligence, but intelligence is not part of the ASD diagnosis. A person can be very smart but still have many functioning problems.

ASD is about social interactions and behavior. And ASD is a very broad set of traits, so people with ASD are very different from each other.

Have you read Charlotte Moore's book about her two son, George and Sam? I think they are classified as "high-level need for support".

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/mar/24/charlotte-moore-autistic-sons
https://www.lep.co.uk/arts-and-culture/book-review-george-and-sam-by-charlotte-moore-2381397

 

[marc_101]

@DuckRabbit Thank you. My question was more about how @AverageJoe was thinking about HFA. It doesn't have an official or recognized definition (in the US) beyond average or higher than average IQ, which is also a fuzzy concept. The way IQ is measured in children is in part about development in relationship to children the same age; in adults the age part is not taken into account. So for some people is about IQ, for others is about a child being able to talk and so on. It was hard for me to figure out what were the specific issues AverageJoe's has given the term HFA.

Will check out the articles, thanks again.

 

[Cryptid]

Yes I hate when people tell me to just ignore them and walk away.

Al this accomplishes is to give the bullies an opportunity to attack you from behind.

And any diplomatic effort to "make peace" with a bully serves only to give the bully another opportunity to attack.

"Turn the other cheek" does not stop the bullying, either. The idea behind that commandment is to amplify the victim's martyrdom for Jesus, and provide the martyr a greater reward in Heaven.

After I put that bully in the hospital ("Self Defense" was the magistrate's ruling), even the teachers and administrators would speak to me less condescendingly and in more adult terms. I must have satisfied some weird rite of passage.

I hate when people just say "they bully because they're unhappy with themselves".

Same here. They may as well make excuses for every genocidal despot throughout history -- "He was that way because of an unhappy childhood." Bullsnot. They were genocidal despots because it fed their greed for power and prestige. Same for schoolyard bullies -- it gives them a secret thrill to cause pain and induce fear in their younger, weaker, and smaller victims.

Until those victims fight back, that is. Then the bullies are shocked to discover what it feels like to be publicly assaulted and humiliated. And sooner or later, every bully comes up against someone who will not back down or lie down in defeat.

 

[Au Naturel]

@DuckRabbit Thank you. My question was more about how @AverageJoe was thinking about HFA. It doesn't have an official or recognized definition (in the US) beyond average or higher than average IQ, which is also a fuzzy concept. The way IQ is measured in children is in part about development in relationship to children the same age; in adults the age part is not taken into account. So for some people is about IQ, for others is about a child being able to talk and so on. It was hard for me to figure out what were the specific issues AverageJoe's has given the term HFA.

Will check out the articles, thanks again.

The average person doesn't believe HFA exists. It is just a ruse to get benefits, gain sympathy or avoid responsibility for obvious bad decisionmaking. If you are a nerd, geek, etc., it is your own fault. Just be different.

Besides, you annoy me, and once that happens, I don't care anymore. You're a loser.

That is my experience of what the typical uninformed person thinks.