Question from someone not on the spectrum!

[starlitink]

Your friend is likely right. But this sounds like a personal growth challenge for you in understanding why it bugs you so much.

I can understand that. I think the main reason it bugs me so much is due to it reminding me of myself when I was a teenager, because I did a lot of the same things. I also think the behavior comes off (though not intended to be so) as very condescending and self centered. So her behaviors remind me both of myself when I was young, and cause frustration when I see her doing things I personally work at not doing. BUT! I know that people with autism communicate differently, and I read that social cues are registered differently. So that last bit I do know isn't her fault.

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Maybe you are wrong. People who are autistic can see the world in what could be considered a self-centric way.
We dont necessarily speak with consideration of social mores
Which may be the invisible thread that annoys you.
You could likely be communicating with an unconscious and/or subconscious version of social mores running through everything.
For the NT coomunication has a social bias.
Lisa , perhaps not. So if she says i dont believe that.. theres no undercurrent.
That's her position with no consideration or thought of the consequences socially to her or anyone else.
Ie no 'tact'

Okay- this definitely ties into what I said above so I'll think about this carefully. Thank you so much for your honest input! (Also hopefully I used the quoting system correctly..I'm not familiar with how this forum works yet!)

 

[starlitink]

Some observations.

One is that there is no so called seperation with aspie to human, as it were: we are one and the same thing; just as you being a neurotypical is you being you and not you being separate from you.

Two: just because we are aspie, does not automatically mean one should be exempt from rules of right and wrong.

Third: what could be perceived as weird to state that one is different; in fact it is often used as an introduction ie just to say that I am not your regular kind of female, so please bare with me, when you have your typical girly conversations.

Although I am a very femmine female; I am not very much like your average female in what I like to talk about. I rarely wear make up and if I do, it is just a bit of mascara and have never worn lipstick.

I have always found it very unnatural to sit on a girl's bed and giggle with her. I rather sit on a chair and have a smashing conversation about current affairs with a guy or an aspie female lol

As for Mike: is it at all possible, the fact that he keeps posting in the wrong catagory means that he gets a bit confused to which one he should post in; rather than because he is flouting rules? This would tally with his response; because when we get confused and then, in effect: disciplined for that, we react.

One: Agreed! I suppose what I meant was...I want to make sure I properly recognize common traits of people with autism, or behaviors.

Two: I agree with this, and that's also why I've come here. I don't want to, essentially, say "Oh she can do what she wants because she has autism." It's both unfair to my members, and to other folks with autism.

Three: Okay! Thank you- this is good to know.

With Mike: That is entirely possible yes! In the past he's expressed confusion about how all the different channels worked and I went over it with him. That is something I've considered, and I can understand how he'd be defensive since he struggles with the rules.

Thank you so much for your response and shared experiences; they've all been very helpful!

 

[Progster]

So I just feel frustrated that she seems to be under the impression that all girls who wear makeup are jerks, and all girls who find interest in celebrities aren't nerds.

I do agree with this - a person's personality is not wholely determined by their likes and dislikes, and because I don't like something, it doesn't mean that someone who does is a jerk. That would be like me saying that I thought that somebody was stupid because they smoke. I don't like smoking and think that it is a stupid thing to do, but I don't think that all people who smoke are stupid. That would be very narrow-minded, not true and not fair.

 

[starlitink]

I do agree with this - a person's personality is not wholely determined by their likes and dislikes, and because I don't like something, it doesn't mean that someone who does is a jerk. That would be like me saying that I thought that somebody was stupid because they smoke. I don't like smoking and think that it is a stupid thing to do, but I don't think that all people who smoke are stupid. That would be very narrow-minded, not true and not fair.

Absolutely!!

 

[Rayner]

With mike, unless he brought up that he is autistic with I wouldn't mention it in that way instead I would ask him if there was anything you can do to make him comfortable in the chat room. I'm not sure how comfortable mike is talking about his autism, by asking if there was anything you can do that would make him comfortable you're allowing him to express what would make him comfortable without putting pressure on the fact he is autistic. It also allows him to talk about his autism if he wants. Regardless of I would be sure to talk to him privately as it is more respectful (says me) and he is more likely to open up with you.

With Lisa, What you are mentioning would be what most would call not having a filter. I think Lisa is saying how she feels about something, now some food for thought is it fair for her to feel that way? I don't know if it is or not, that said I also don't know why she feels that way What she is saying could simply be her expressing what in general she has experienced or/and could be based in a perception she has for one reason or another.

Another question for you. is it fair to Lisa if you assume what she is saying is an assumption because I'm sure there is a reason why she feels that way and the question is why? Just some food for thought.

Okay! On Mike I'm gonna be more careful in the future- do you think it would be appropriate for me to ask him to speak with me about his autism so I can understand his limits and such? I know each person is different but I wanna get your input on it regardless.

With Lisa- yes, I would say it's unintentional though. Most recently she expressed that she feels as though "typical" girls steal all the nerdy guys, and it's not fair because they don't have anything in common with the dudes. In my mind that's an unfair assumption to make; just because a girl wears makeup and seems to be one way doesn't mean they're not also nerdy.

I don't wanna get into any debates about beliefs or ethics. I mostly wanted to make sure I understand how autism works more so I can treat Lisa and Mike fairly and with understanding, while at the same time not making excuses for things they do under the guise of it being autism. I feel doing so would be insulting the autism community as a whole and I don't want to do that!

Hopefully everything I'm saying makes sense! I really appreciate all your feedback and thoughts!

 

[Dorkasour]

Sorry if I came off a little harsh or defensive earlier on the thread. I really appreciate you trying to reach out and learn more about how to handle this situation.

 

[Fitzo]

Okay, it'll be good for me to keep in mind the information about maturity, thank you!

As for Lisa being in the chatroom, I think it makes perfect sense for her to have joined my chatroom considering it's advertised as being a place for people who enjoy video games! I think she has found a community of people she can relate to in terms of hobbies, but she also seems to struggle with realizing that we have a very unique and awesome mixture of different folks! We have people who are hardcore nerds, but they also wear makeup, jewelry, and traditional feminine clothing.

Thanks for your response, it was super helpful!

I didn't realise it was a gaming chat room, so yes it does make perfect sense for her to be there.
But I can understand why you feel defensive if she seems to be implying that she is superior because she is not interested in things like hair and makeup.
I have also encountered that kind of attitude myself and it really grates on me. Just because you wear lipstick it doesn't automatically make you brain dead.
It seems to be perpetuating the myth that if you look attractive, you must be dumb!

 

[As sweet as-pie]

I only picked up on one part of your post where you said you were struggling to "separate lisa and her autism". Good. Autism isn't something you have, it's something you are. It dictates how you think and feel and act, it's everything. Not just an excuse. It's literally just her personality. Whether that's because she's autistic or not, doesn't matter. It just is.

 

[Progster]

"Lisa" reminds me of a time when I used to post on a blog, and one day there was a discussion about the Eurovision song contest. I said that I didn't like it, and then gave reasons. The blog owner then came along and told me to be careful what I said because Eurovision was extremely popular and that I would upset people if I posted negative comments. So I didn't post any more about it, but I thought it was unfair. All I was doing was giving an opinion, there was nothing personal in my comments, or insulting, it was just that, an opinion. Why shouldn't I be able to give my opinion? Why should I have to agree with everyone else's opinion? Whatever happened to free speech?

 

[starlitink]

With mike, unless he brought up that he is autistic with I wouldn't mention it in that way instead I would ask him if there was anything you can do to make him comfortable in the chat room. I'm not sure how comfortable mike is talking about his autism, by asking if there was anything you can do that would make him comfortable you're allowing him to express what would make him comfortable without putting pressure on the fact he is autistic. It also allows him to talk about his autism if he wants. Regardless of I would be sure to talk to him privately as it is more respectful (says me) and he is more likely to open up with you.

With Lisa, What you are mentioning would be what most would call not having a filter. I think Lisa is saying how she feels about something, now some food for thought is it fair for her to feel that way? I don't know if it is or not, that said I also don't know why she feels that way What she is saying could simply be her expressing what in general she has experienced or/and could be based in a perception she has for one reason or another.

Another question for you. is it fair to Lisa if you assume what she is saying is an assumption because I'm sure there is a reason why she feels that way and the question is why? Just some food for thought.

This is all really helpful and you've given me a lot to think about! I actually shared this thread with my mods and I think a lot of what you've said resonated with them.

Thank you so much for taking the time to speak and educate me It means a lot!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

"Lisa" reminds me of a time when I used to post on a blog, and one day there was a discussion about the Eurovision song contest. I said that I didn't like it, and then gave reasons. The blog owner then came along and told me to be careful what I said because Eurovision was extremely popular and that I would upset people if I posted negative comments. So I didn't post any more about it, but I thought it was unfair. All I was doing was giving an opinion, there was nothing personal in my comments, or insulting, it was just that, an opinion. Why shouldn't I be able to give my opinion? Why should I have to agree with everyone else's opinion? Whatever happened to free speech?

My quick response,also fitting withn lisa, would be.

Yeh, feelings, right?

Progster and fridge shrug shoulders,do half an eye roll....

Yeh, tell me about it.

(Example of opposite perspective, only,may not always apply)
(Think of usa med ad disclaimers)

 

[starlitink]

Sorry if I came off a little harsh or defensive earlier on the thread. I really appreciate you trying to reach out and learn more about how to handle this situation.

It's okay! I'm a guest on this forum so if I say something that offends the people this site is meant for definitely call me out on it!

I appreciate the apology regardless though, so thank you <3

 

[Eruva]

Regarding Lisa, is it mean to say you don't like something? I'm still figuring this stuff out myself. She may just be trying to contribute. For instance, if people are talking about tomatoes, I might say, "I don't like tomatoes." That would just be what I have to contribute to the conversation. It wouldn't mean not liking tomatoes is superior to liking tomatoes. However, she may be making that superior/inferior distinction in some instances. We tend to think in black and white, which can lead to some pretty harsh distinctions.

Regarding Mike, we need rules to make sense in order to follow them. He may fully understand that you have authority over the rules, but also think that the rules themselves are inefficient or needing improvement. Maybe you should take his views/suggestions into consideration as well as anyone else who can think of better ways to do things.

 

[Rayner]

No problem, I'm glad I could help out.

This is all really helpful and you've given me a lot to think about! I actually shared this thread with my mods and I think a lot of what you've said resonated with them.

Thank you so much for taking the time to speak and educate me It means a lot!