Really like an Aspie, can I please have some advice? Thank you

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Hi all. I came across this forum while Googling and I have been reading it for a few weeks now but this is my first time posting.

I had been dating a man for a few months now who has Aspergers. He told me about two months into us dating, and we discuss it often. He didn't find out till about two years ago (when he was 29), and the only other people who know were his family, his ex girlfriend, and one close friend. He told me about telling his friends and his ex girlfriend (not a great experience in his opinion). I encourage him to discuss it with me whenever he wants and ask him lots of questions when he brings it up, and it doesn't bother me - despite our short time together, I have never felt so connected with him. We share so many interests and I appreciate him for who he is.

The problem is we had been dating just shy of two months when he decided to tell me he wanted to keep dating me but did not want to have a relationship. He said the timing was bad (work reasons), issues with his past relationships, etc. I told him this wasn't going to work and we didn't talk for a week. When we resumed talking, we were closer than ever, and I didn't bring up the topic in hopes maybe he'd get over some of his fears. We spend so much time together and so much time talking I hope it would naturally progress. I am not big into pressure.

Unfortunately last week he wanted to discuss once again how he does not want a relationship. I said that's fine but in that case I need some time and space. I reiterated it again the next day and he wasn't pleased with this decision and wanted to talk about it. He asked if I meant a week or a month or if this was my polite way of saying "forever." I just explained this was a preemptive measure so I don't get hurt because we aren't on the same page and I obviously care about him a lot. He said he understood and he'd respect it but he has feelings for me, but can not be in a relationship.

However this was on Wednesday. On Friday night he texted and emailed me about something pertaining to an email I sent him Monday. I deleted the text and responded politely and curtly to the email this morning.

The advice I am seeking is what is his thought process? He already doesn't seem to be respecting the fact I asked for time and space. He didn't seem to handle the request well. I know it's going to be difficult (already is) for me to stay away from because of how much time we invested into each other the past few months so I don't know what to do. I don't understand him and I can't compare this to past situations because he's so honest and forthright and doesn't play games. I know everyone is different but I thought this may be could be a resource I could utilize.

Thank you in advance.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Others might have a better grasp of what is going on here. But from what I think he is having trouble understanding is the duration of time you need and what you meant by "space". He says he understands but I don't think he truly does.

We tend to be literal thinkers when it comes to instructions, we need them detailed and clear. For example, if someone tells you to be quiet, this can be confusing because some of us won't know how long we need to be quiet for.

I think you might need to iterate on the boundaries you're setting up. What is appropriate, is any form of communication out of the question? And an idea of how long you want to have as a break, not easy I can imagine when it comes to predicting your feelings and emotions. But if you set a hard limit of time you want, OR instructions to wait until you reply to him that it's okay to talk again.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Thank you for the response Southern Discomfort. If he reaches out to me again, I'm going to iterate that to him more clearly. He asked if when he gets back from his business trip (January 17th) if we could see each other, and I told him I'd rather not have hard plans as I don't know how long I will need to thoroughly get over him. We spoke from the time we woke up to the time we went to bed whether it was through text, email, or phone occasionally, so it's hard for me and I can only imagine hard for him also (I think?).

I know every Aspie is different, but I have read when Aspies make up their mind they stick to their decisions so I doubt he's going to change his mind and this is what I need to do. He told me that he's feeling as rejected as I am right now, and I worry that he's sad too because I don't want to hurt him (he's had a tough family history) but this is what I need to do for myself to move on.

Maybe after my short email this morning he'll understand I was serious about needing time.

Thank you again for the reply.

 

[Suzanne]

You have him confused. He likes you, but doesn't want a sexual relationship with you right now, but you are telling him that it is all or nothing!

Why can you not see him, without it HAVING to turn sexual?

It is great that you want to protect your heart, but to him, he is thinking: I like her and want to spend time with her, but why is she pushing for more? What is she talking about time duration? You either want to protect your heart and so end the relationship, because you see that he is not ready, or you can put your own emotions on hold and develope the relationship. That is what he wants. He obviously enjoys your company, but you are putting obsticles in his way.

He is not playing with your heart.

 

[nowwhat]

Sorry, but you need to just write it off. Be strong and stiffarm him. Tell him so and dont look back. And hen thank God, because youre much better off with someone who isnt an aspie, as will be any kids you end up having. This is from as aspie 25 years married with two adult children. Love is supernatural and transcendant. Relationships are brutally practical. Combining the two is a lunatic's errand. So, we're all nuts then, do yourself a favor and dont deliberately stack the odds against yourself.

 

[OkRad]

He was VERY Clear to you that he does not want a relationship. You can take space all you want, HE DOES NOT WANT ONE. You are not accepting that. If you did, you would not "take space", you'd cut it off and move on.

He, one the other hand, hears you want space, but is hurt because you are punishing him for being honest. Aspies are VERY GOOD at being honest and not lying and BSing like the NT world and then it throws NTs off.

You are all confused because he was honest. Of course you would be confused and hurt. He is not lying to you like other men will and tell you he wants to be with you just to have sex. Because first, he does not want to be with you second he does not want to be in relationship and he is not after sex.

Do you see how our difference goes to the very core of every thought which builds from childhood? There is no way you are not going to get confused if two months in you cannot handle his honesty.

Aspies are different in every thought, every pre-thought, every motive, everything that you (and we) do not even THINK about. That is why you (and we) are blindsided on every turn and interaction with NTs are so exhausting.

When they work, it's usually because the NT is so amazingly tolerant and unencumbered and lacking their own issues that it all just rolls off them.

I cannot see that here. You are both in for a lot of confusion.

My advise? Move on and let him move on, too.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Sorry, but you need to just write it off. Be strong and stiffarm him. Tell him so and dont look back. And hen thank God, because youre much better off with someone who isnt an aspie, as will be any kids you end up having. This is from as aspie 25 years married with two adult children. Love is supernatural and transcendant. Relationships are brutally practical. Combining the two is a lunatic's errand. So, we're all nuts then, do yourself a favor and dont deliberately stack the odds against yourself.

What the hell?

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I just want to clear something up: I'm not trying to play any games by hoping by being walking away he will change his mind. That's not what I'm doing here. While I truly care about him and am very disappointed in this decision, as his actions do not line up with his words, I am walking away not to be manipulative but to protect myself.

However, I hope while I can get over him, someday we can be friends down the line. I think he's so mart and talented and amazing I would love for him to be a part of my life some day.

Suzanne and OkRad I think you both made some good points I needed to hear but I also wanted to talk a little more about my situation, so maybe that could help. The person I've been seeing is very sexual. We had a great sex life together. However when we had the first talk with me about not wanting a relationship (his reasoning, albeit I am not sure I believe this despite his honesty, was not wanting a relationship with anyone due to a work project coming up that will take him away this spring, and a difficult past relationship) he personally decided that we should no longer have sex because we he was afraid of hurting me. So he spent a month getting closer emotionally to me before we started having sex again. That lasted a few weeks before he had a talk with me again.

Our final night, last Tuesday, I spent the night but we did not sleep together. He has never held me so tight though.

Some of you are saying I should just reaffirm to him I need space, while others are saying cut it off completely, while some are saying why can't I just be friends with him. My head is kind of spinning right now. I just want to do what is best for me (but also don't want to hurt him too badly).

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

and OkRad, I will say that while maybe not so amazingly tolerant of him not wanting to be with me, I was definitely amazingly tolerant of everything else. But I didn't even need the words amazingly tolerant to describe it because I just liked all the things about him. I found him so unique and great, and the things that made him different were what drew me to him in the first place and that's why I liked him over everyone else I had ever dated. I feel like while this was our only problem (unfortunately, its one we can't really get over...)

 

[OkRad]

I see the picture better. Thank you for clarifying.

There are so many things going on that you will never figure it out. SOmetimes it is so hard for Aspies to work, that he may indeed see you as a threat to that.

He may be hyper sexual, but all the things he may have to set aside to have sex may be too problematic. Maybe he is disgusted with the human body while at the same time liking sex. What a dilemma that puts a lot of aspies in. Maybe he has OCD or trauma or a million things he is keeping secret

Just because you had a lot of sex does not mean he can sustain that with you or anyone else.

And these could all be on top of regular NT things. Aspies are people and they can also do things everyone else does, like maybe he used you and is regretting that or maybe he got caught up in the moment and thought he could but can't or maybe he is seeing two people (i.e cheating), or maybe is conflicted about his sexuality. There are a MILLION things that could be going on.

You will never figure this out. Aspies are so ferociously complex that half the time we can even figure ourselves out, but we know that those who try are usually dead wrong.

In the end, you are right to take space, but you better be very clear about it so you do not hurt him or yourself. Generally, though be aware that sometimes aspies are in or out. In other words, once he catches on, you are out.

We often are not big on "hey let's just be friends" and you both will probably have to accept that. Of course, there are all degrees of aspiness, and these are just generalities.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

okRad thank you for being so helpful. I really appreciate it. If you only knew how much this has been eating me up the past few days.

His ex girlfriend was also his business partner so sometimes I wonder if he correlates work with relationships in that way. They are still in touch and work together (she is still in love with him) but he was pretty traumatized by that experience (she called him every name in the book and was extremely insensitive to him - he even kept a voicemail of her ripping him apart). He broke up with her.

I know there's no other woman since we met for a few reasons (we have too many mutual friends and I met him through one of his family members; he had the idea that I was dating someone else and he got upset over it at one point; and when I told him I couldn't talk to him and he asked what I would need to talk to him again I said one of the things would be till I was okay with the idea of him dating other people and he said he couldn't see himself dating anyone for at least a year minimum)

I wonder what you said though about when an Aspie is done with you he's done. He's the one who says he wants to be friends with me. Do you think if I ask for space and time months done the road when I'm ready he won't even want to be friends with me?

 

[Judge]

His ex girlfriend was also his business partner so sometimes I wonder if he correlates work with relationships in that way. They are still in touch and work together (she is still in love with him) but he was pretty traumatized by that experience (she called him every name in the book and was extremely insensitive to him - he even kept a voicemail of her ripping him apart). He broke up with her.

You may have fundamentally answered your own question. That what you see with him is exactly what you're getting. For the timed being.

That it's the specter of a past relationship that haunts him. Not you personally. Though it's impossible to say how long this may inhibit him from an enjoying a relationship with you.

Not everyone reacts the same way on the rebound. The question remains though whether you have the emotional stamina and patience to see if he comes out of this funk he's in to become more conventionally receptive to you.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Judge I'd like to think that's just it but I find in relationships with non-Aspies they use things like past relationships as excuse for why they don't want to be in a relationship. Do you think it's a real reason?

Because he's so honest I want to believe him. He says he thinks I'm smart and beautiful and interesting. The only thing that has ever made him doubt we'd ever be compatible in a relationship together long term is he worries I'm too sensitive.

 

[xDominiel]

I have read when Aspies make up their mind they stick to their decisions so I doubt he's going to change his mind

I'm a diagnosed aspie and while I enjoy routines and order, I can change my mind pretty drastically if there is a good reason for it. Heck, I've changed basically my entire way of being more than once because it wasn't working out for me.

 

[Judge]

Judge I'd like to think that's just it but I find in relationships with non-Aspies they use things like past relationships as excuse for why they don't want to be in a relationship. Do you think it's a real reason?

I'd think that failure in past relationships can impact much of anyone's reticence to be in another relationship, especially over a short period of time. Regardless of neurological differences.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Oh xDominiel, I feel like I was almost banking on that reasoning to keep me strong through this - knowing that he'd never change his mind about being in a relationship with me, so therefore I shouldn't backdown on what I am doing here! Don't give me false hope that some day he'll want to be with me :/ (I know, I know that's not what you're doing).

Judge, he broke up with his girlfriend a year and a half ago. He wanted to talk about it on our first date, it definitely affected him (I asked if we could not speak about it then). He said it was a messy, six month break up, and he seems to harbor so many negative feelings for her.

 

[Suzanne]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I just want to clear something up: I'm not trying to play any games by hoping by being walking away he will change his mind. That's not what I'm doing here. While I truly care about him and am very disappointed in this decision, as his actions do not line up with his words, I am walking away not to be manipulative but to protect myself.

However, I hope while I can get over him, someday we can be friends down the line. I think he's so mart and talented and amazing I would love for him to be a part of my life some day.

Suzanne and OkRad I think you both made some good points I needed to hear but I also wanted to talk a little more about my situation, so maybe that could help. The person I've been seeing is very sexual. We had a great sex life together. However when we had the first talk with me about not wanting a relationship (his reasoning, albeit I am not sure I believe this despite his honesty, was not wanting a relationship with anyone due to a work project coming up that will take him away this spring, and a difficult past relationship) he personally decided that we should no longer have sex because we he was afraid of hurting me. So he spent a month getting closer emotionally to me before we started having sex again. That lasted a few weeks before he had a talk with me again.

Our final night, last Tuesday, I spent the night but we did not sleep together. He has never held me so tight though.

Some of you are saying I should just reaffirm to him I need space, while others are saying cut it off completely, while some are saying why can't I just be friends with him. My head is kind of spinning right now. I just want to do what is best for me (but also don't want to hurt him too badly).

Thank you for the added information. The trouble with asking for advice on any forum, we are bound to be bombarded with different approaches, because of all having their own ideals and opinions; whereas when we ask someone face to face, we are in control of what advice we take.

From your extra info, in order to protect your heart, you would be kind to yourself and end the relationship. As another aspie said: marriage to an aspie is very difficult. My husband who is neurotypical would be the first to say: quit before you can't quit! We have been married for 25 years but a constant struggle to understand each other and the sheer mental exhaustion and regrets when I have realised that I took him too literally.

If you want to pursue this relationship, you are going to have to learn his language. If he wants to contine then he will try to learn yours.

 

[Judge]

Clearly he's not over this past relationship. Even if the only thing he dwells on is how toxic it was. The only redeeming factor seems to be that he doesn't wish for this past relationship to spill over into whatever relationship you have with him.

Though whether or not time can change this remains to be seen. Leaving only you to decide if waiting in vain is the right thing to do. Frankly there's nothing here for me to definitively tell you whether he snaps out of such a mindset or not.

I'd think most people would just move on. It doesn't seem particularly fair for you to remain in an "emotional state of limbo" only on the hope that he may eventually get this other person out of his system. Especially if she remains in his orbit for business purposes.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Suzanne, I will be completely honest with you (and everyone else here). I would do anything to continue this if it were an option that would leave me with my dignity and that would respect him. I am not going to plead with him to be with me or even try to convince him as I know that would make him feel uncomfortable/give him flashbacks to his break-up with his ex-GF, and while his actions make it seem like he is very happy when he is with me, he has devoted so much of himself to be in the past few months, his words have made it very clear he does not want a relationship with me. I have to respect him and respect that.

Relationships are difficult no matter who you are with. As someone who has been in a litany of them I know this. I get that there is a lot of difficulties that come with a relationship with an Aspie (and many I probably haven't even encountered yet), but what he has shown me in himself these past few months is so beautiful: His honesty, his intelligence, his integrity, his kindness. I wouldn't give that up unless there was no other option for me.

Right now, I'm just trying to look forward and move ahead the best I can with the best information I can (if you can't tell, I like to make informed decisions).

 

[xDominiel]

Oh xDominiel, I feel like I was almost banking on that reasoning to keep me strong through this - knowing that he'd never change his mind about being in a relationship with me, so therefore I shouldn't backdown on what I am doing here! Don't give me false hope that some day he'll want to be with me :/ (I know, I know that's not what you're doing).

Sorry, just saying that I don't neccessarily agree with all the "aspies are like this and this" info out there.

Judge, he broke up with his girlfriend a year and a half ago. He wanted to talk about it on our first date, it definitely affected him (I asked if we could not speak about it then). He said it was a messy, six month break up, and he seems to harbor so many negative feelings for her.

To me, he sounds like he's afraid of losing his "freedom". That he fears that if you do enter into a relationship, and it doesn't work out, it'll be another six-month battle of Hell to get out. That he does want to be with you, but wants to be so without having those chains attached. Which I honestly think is a very unhealthy way of handling it, he's going to have to face his anxieties eventually, or end up alone. For you, when in your experience he's unlikely to change, I'd say the best approach is, sadly, to walk away.