Really like an Aspie, can I please have some advice? Thank you

[HelpNeededinNYC]

xDominiel that actually I think is a good evaluation of him I think especially knowing so little info. I think he is afraid of losing his freedom. I think it bothers me he was willing to do it for his last girlfriend and not for me (especially because I am not a particularly needy individual). But that is neither here nor there....

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate you (and everyone) taking the time. As you can tell, this is hard on me. Especially when he sent me that text and email Friday, it was like it was pulling on my heartstrings. And when I woke up without a New Year's message from him today.

 

[OkRad]

I am glad you stopped by. I hope you feel free to drop in whenever you like even to say hi! NTs may perplex us, but we learn from you, too AND I hope this works out if a way that is good for you both. Keep us posted.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Thanks OkRad. As I mentioned earlier, I have dated a good number of people (even if some of them were just for 3-6 months at a time). They all ended for various reasons, but my issues with many of them were their lack of honesty or willingness to have conversations with me our lack of common interests. What this person and believes are results of being an Aspie I feel are actually his strengths and why I was so besotted to him in the first place.

When he told me he had Aspergers, I was surprised. It made sense, once I thought about, and the more I read about it, but it wasn't something I would have thought about on my own. But it never made me want to walk away from him. At least not from that.

Who knows - I may be back depending on how things play out. Today, New Year's Day, I am struggling not to reach out to him....

 

[Suzanne]

Suzanne, I will be completely honest with you (and everyone else here). I would do anything to continue this if it were an option that would leave me with my dignity and that would respect him. I am not going to plead with him to be with me or even try to convince him as I know that would make him feel uncomfortable/give him flashbacks to his break-up with his ex-GF, and while his actions make it seem like he is very happy when he is with me, he has devoted so much of himself to be in the past few months, his words have made it very clear he does not want a relationship with me. I have to respect him and respect that.

Relationships are difficult no matter who you are with. As someone who has been in a litany of them I know this. I get that there is a lot of difficulties that come with a relationship with an Aspie (and many I probably haven't even encountered yet), but what he has shown me in himself these past few months is so beautiful: His honesty, his intelligence, his integrity, his kindness. I wouldn't give that up unless there was no other option for me.

Right now, I'm just trying to look forward and move ahead the best I can with the best information I can (if you can't tell, I like to make informed decisions).

As I was reading, I thought: no wonder his ex girlfriend is so embittered. Just because he is this outstounding character, certainly does not make him a saint. He has regrets regarding his ex, made worse because he works in the same place, which means she has to see him, which must be torture to her soul and so, she, in her defence is letting him know what she thinks of him, because like you, she probably was confused wit his apparent mix messages and so the relationship ended in doom. It is not like he can now move on, because he has no choice but see her and probably regrets heavily ever embarking on a relationship and so, he is thinking: here it goes again and that is why he said: it won't work, because you are too sensitive; in other words: you are too involved emotionally and he cannot cope.

You have one advantage over his ex and that is that you do not work with him and if you safe guide your own heart, then you never know, he may start looking at you and fall in love with you.

No one wants to end a fantastic or potentially wonderful relationship, but sadly that is life.

 

[Suzanne]

Sorry, just saying that I don't neccessarily agree with all the "aspies are like this and this" info out there.



To me, he sounds like he's afraid of losing his "freedom". That he fears that if you do enter into a relationship, and it doesn't work out, it'll be another six-month battle of Hell to get out. That he does want to be with you, but wants to be so without having those chains attached. Which I honestly think is a very unhealthy way of handling it, he's going to have to face his anxieties eventually, or end up alone. For you, when in your experience he's unlikely to change, I'd say the best approach is, sadly, to walk away.

Yes, just because we are aspies, does not give us the right to have others bowing down to others, any more than nts expecting it of us!

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Suzanne, not that it changes it so much, but him and his ex girlfriend started a creative company together where they work together on time-specific projects. so they don't see each other for months at a time (I don't think they've seen each other in 6-8 months, that was once and before that they hadn't seen each other in a year), but they communicate now about x4 days a week because a project they are working on will begin this spring. he does one end of the project, and she does the other end. I respected his privacy about the relationship when we were first getting to know each other but he was very comfortable talking about his past relationships and gradually I've grown to understand that despite this woman still being part of his life (and her being very beautiful) he definitely does not want to be in a relationship with her ever again (and despite the fact she very much wants to be in a relationship with him again).

once again, that's neither here nor there, but it may have something to do with the fact that if she can be in his life still, maybe he can still see me in his life some day (as a friend), even though they had a much longer relationship.

also, i'll note, they were friends and colleagues for a couple years (he had another girlfriend for part of it), before they began a relationship. he was initially hesitant to do so he told me.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

So, we spoke yesterday (via text), and he initially got really upset with me. I tried to reaffirm my boundaries and the time and space I needed and he told me I was being unnecessarily restrictive and extreme saying we couldn't at least be friends and talk. I tried to explain to him again why it doesn't work that way and he replied "fine." Once again, tried to explain. He was being the most unresponsive he had ever been to me but then finally was getting a bit better. He said: Earlier, it seemed to me it wasn't a matter of "time and space" it felt like you were like, peace dude. Nice know you.

He said he thought when we talked last week i meant "a week or two and now it sounded like forever."

The conversation continued into me explaining why because there can not be a relationship, I need time. He explained that while he does of course have feelings for me, "when you walked out twice I was like this is someone is emotionally sensitive in ways that would not work well in a relationship with me because I'm not able to navigate that space." (We got into two arguments before, the first one when I was drunk and the second over the initial relationship talk - both times I left his apartment but took a breath and came back). He said "It just seemed like you were you need someone who can know what you're feeling and how to respond in a way I couldn't otherwise you would feel insecure. I just felt like you are emotionally a bit fragile generally. There's nothing wrong with that unless you are someone who isn't picking up on a lot of emotional behavior."

This is a very honest response, and I appreciate it but I think there is also some language there which you all might be able to help me decipher and navigate a bit further. I told him I appreciate his honesty and I do want to be friends with him down the line, this just doesn't change anything. I need more time.

Thanks all. You are all really helpful (and not judgmental!)