Recent break-up with Aspie, looking for advice?

[Diagnosed2015]

Arguments are difficult and what you describe as issues are the reason he could be melting down. When we say we need space, we need A LOT of space. When we say we need TIME, we need enough time for US to deal with something (not just 'time' to cool down).

We often have to "play out" several scenarios in our head. We also play through different emotions, different thoughts, different ways to relay the information so that you aren't annoyed (which probably won't work).

Talking about things for hours is probably not what he wants, and the longer you drag out a conversation, the harder it is to remain calm, cool and collected. At the first sign of him shutting down, you need to leave him alone and deal with whatever is bothering him; when he's done, he'll re-emerge.

Also, if he is stuck on something you said 4 minutes into the discussion that lasted 4 hours, he's basically "missed" (not his fault) the rest, because he stopped at the first thing that distracted (or hurt) him.

I often shut down in times of stress or anxiety and it can be physically and emotionally exhausting, and I won't want to deal with anyone else (including people or SO I'm close to). You can't change him, you can try to understand. Many people don't understand us, which is why these forums exist, apparently.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

my biggest mistake was not giving him enough space. Not just during this last fight but in general. Anytime we had a little argument, any time he needed it. It's such an easy thing to do that I am kicking myself for not doing it, but I think it's because he didn't make me feel like he actually wanted to be with me. So something I'm normally very good at in relationships, which is giving someone space (I personally love space of my own and have had relationships end because boyfriends have thought I was too independent), I wasn't able to give him because I felt he wasn't giving me enough reassurance he wanted to be with me (and perhaps he didn't actually?).

Then again this is just reflection. As the days go on and I think about it more I do feel it's too damaged to recover. I am getting into a sad place about it but perhaps this understanding is good for me. I appreciate all your help.

 

[Bolletje]

Giving people space , especially when you're feeling insecure is incredibly hard. Try to learn from what happened, but try not to beat yourself up over it too much. You're only human.

 

[Grandmother B]

Hi all, I would love some advice. I apologize if I say anything incorrect, I'm a little out of my realm here (and still hurting a bit). I had been dating an aspie for about 7 months (I'm NT). Some of our relationship could be rocky because he would pull away or our communication could be difficult and he was often worried about us not being able to connect because he had bad past experiences with his ex gf who was NT but I really appreciated him and wanted to work on us getting through anything he was worried about. Because we had issues, i felt like there was nothing we couldn't get through. He would sit and talk for hours to get over anything I was concerned about and same with me. I really felt like a team with him (there were things I did find hurtful he did say we could get over in time - some of the distance he needed, his bluntness, etc). But he was the best man I ever met (for me) and my best friend.
about 4.5 weeks ago, we got into a rather big fight for us. I think it was a culmination of things, but it was after we had an amazing two weeks together and it also came on the heels of some big works new for him we were both very happy about (the biggest news he had had in awhile). i saw him for the first time kind of just shut down. i argued with him for a little bit, but then i tried to come to a resolution and put a pin it, but instead he just... ignored me. he had never done that before. he just wouldn't speak to me. i panicked, and he said we needed to take space when he was on a work trip. he also had never done that before. he said we needed to not talk for 3 weeks.

during our 26 days of space total, i contacted him a total of 4 times. once was 4 days after we stopped talking, i figured he wasn't serious and that was enough time to cool off. he replied very sweetly to my email which was a work-ish thing, but added: talk to you in a few weeks. the next time i told him i missed him, thought this was silly, and that the silent treatment and space aren't the same thing (9 days). he said to respect his space otherwise we couldn't resume anything at all, or something like that. a week later i found out my grandfather was going into hospice care (15 days), and was feeling very bottomed out. i didnt mention it, but i sent him an email telling him i missed him, wondering why we were doing this, etc. at that following saturday i sent him two texts letting him know my grandfather had passed which made me realize how important people were to me in my life and similar sentiments (21 days) and he didnt respond... at all. they were very kind and well worded. he was supposed to reach out to me at 24 days so i waited. when he didnt, i texted him at 26 days, something simple but nice. when he didnt respond, i tried again the next day but still nothing. so i tried again that night... he finally responded to my text when i rationalized: "are you really never going to speak to me anymore?" and pointed out how many mutual friends we have in common, including his brother.

his text said: I don't want to talk anymore. I've been very busy and don't have space for it. Also didn't like that you didn't respect my request to back off. Sorry. You are a very sweet very smart person, but I don't think we worked well together and I have to move on.

That's it. He sent two more texts to me - single lines - after that when I texted him, but he refused to continue the conversation with him.

I am shocked. Do you think he will ever reach out to me again or ever get in contact? He is ridiculously stubborn. So stubborn. But 4 days before he asked for "space" he told me couldn't imagine not having me in his life....

I don't have any qualifications to answer you, only what I have read about Asperger's syndrome. It sounds like the intense relationship was too overwhelming for him and that may have been why he shut down; not because he doesn't care for you, but because he cannot cope with the daily overwhelm, which puts him in what they call defense mode, which means withdrawing from everything social because the brain cannot function anymore in that situation. He may eventually come around; perhaps if you just say "I will be waiting when you decide to contact me and I will respect your request not to bother you." And then do what he has asked you to do. Tough, but I don't see any other way. Good luck to you! You might get some understanding on www.aspergerexperts.com. Some people on here have said it's a scam because they offer paid courses. It's not. They also have a lot of free videos to help in understanding Asperger's, because they guys who started it have it.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Do you think I should say anything to him at all (he sent that text to me Friday) or do you think I should just let it sit and if he ever comes back to talk to me (I'm not sure even) then see what happens?

He just was such a different person and so not kind compared to how he normally is with me, I don't see him coming to me and how we could fix this time isn't helping me - each day I just seem to get more sad...

 

[MrSpock]

You could just acknowledge that he's not going to contact you for an unknown amount of time and that you're okay with it and that you'll wait, but if you do say that you'll really have to wait. Or you could just wait.

Perhaps he was unusually cold with you because he didn't think that you would give him the space if he were too warm. Your interpretation of the text he sent Friday sounds as though he does want to talk to you later. Imagine that he wanted to drop off the planet in order to do this project. Would it look any different? Do you know anyone who is still in contact with him? I don't know what this project is, but if he's not allowed to talk about it at all it may really be very important that he's able to concentrate on it. You might even take it as a compliment that he finds you so very distracting.

 

[aspiegirlfriend]

I have an Aspie boyfriend...interestingly enough we have also known each other for 7 months. I find that before we see each other, the text messages and the emails are abundant and he is all excited that we are getting together. I love this phase. He is so excited when we see each other and we always have the most wonderful time with no pause in conversation...really extraordinary chemistry. I always send him a text when he leaves and he always responds with a beautiful note thanking me for being me and how grateful he is to have me. Then....(and now totally predictable to me) he vanishes from phone, text and email for about 4 days.) There is virtually no contact and if I send him a text he may respond but more than likely he will not. He is an executive and works very very hard. I have just decided to respect that he needs space. I know now that if I give it 3 or 4 days he will surface again. I don't want to nag him or send him messages as I now realize, he is likely overwhelmed and at this point in time he is super focused on working. He always resurfaces and wants to see me again.

I suspect your boyfriend will be back when his work is complete. I know with mine, he is super super focused on whatever he does but doesn't have enough focus to handle too many moving targets. He is so worth waiting for and like clockwork, he always comes back and falling for me more every time. I think you just need to wait and see. I suspect he will have time to think about you when his work is complete. Good luck and hope it turns out the way you hope it does.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

my biggest mistake was not giving him enough space. Not just during this last fight but in general. Anytime we had a little argument, any time he needed it. It's such an easy thing to do that I am kicking myself for not doing it, but I think it's because he didn't make me feel like he actually wanted to be with me. So something I'm normally very good at in relationships, which is giving someone space (I personally love space of my own and have had relationships end because boyfriends have thought I was too independent), I wasn't able to give him because I felt he wasn't giving me enough reassurance he wanted to be with me (and perhaps he didn't actually?).

Then again this is just reflection. As the days go on and I think about it more I do feel it's too damaged to recover. I am getting into a sad place about it but perhaps this understanding is good for me. I appreciate all your help.

What's interesting is that I'm going through the same thing with an NT friend who doesn't understand I don't need to be "taken care of," I don't need constant conversation, and I'm far more adept at things he claims to be. While I try not to say anything, because he doesn't want to "hear" me (the friendship is fading quickly) even if I can save him HOURS of time and frustration, I just stay silent. I am known for not getting angry or upset, but I've been pushed to the edge of frustration twice, because he isn't "getting" what I'm saying (or doing) -- nothing personal w/him -- just isn't interested in ANYONE'S opinion. He'll keep talking, even if he's wrong or I KNOW what he's "lecturing" about, and I end up blocking out his words, sort of like the old Charlie Brown cartoons where the adults are wah, wah, wah.

HE'S not doing anything wrong, I'M not doing anything wrong, and sometimes we get together and agree on something. Of course, then he'll decide that I don't agree for the "right" reason (which can ONLY be his) ...

I'm not saying this is your situation; only that you aren't the only one in a relationship like that. A lot of it is just trial and error. The key thing is not to take ANYTHING personally (because it probably isn't) and don't see "talking" as the way to get over it, because what we "say," (as Aspies) is often not what others "hear."

As I've mentioned before, we can both be fluent in the same language, but that doesn't mean the translations are always going to be the same.

Good luck!

 

[aspiegirlfriend]

What's interesting is that I'm going through the same thing with an NT friend who doesn't understand I don't need to be "taken care of," I don't need constant conversation, and I'm far more adept at things he claims to be. While I try not to say anything, because he doesn't want to "hear" me (the friendship is fading quickly) even if I can save him HOURS of time and frustration, I just stay silent. I am known for not getting angry or upset, but I've been pushed to the edge of frustration twice, because he isn't "getting" what I'm saying (or doing) -- nothing personal w/him -- just isn't interested in ANYONE'S opinion. He'll keep talking, even if he's wrong or I KNOW what he's "lecturing" about, and I end up blocking out his words, sort of like the old Charlie Brown cartoons where the adults are wah, wah, wah.

HE'S not doing anything wrong, I'M not doing anything wrong, and sometimes we get together and agree on something. Of course, then he'll decide that I don't agree for the "right" reason (which can ONLY be his) ...

I'm not saying this is your situation; only that you aren't the only one in a relationship like that. A lot of it is just trial and error. The key thing is not to take ANYTHING personally (because it probably isn't) and don't see "talking" as the way to get over it, because what we "say," (as Aspies) is often not what others "hear."

As I've mentioned before, we can both be fluent in the same language, but that doesn't mean the translations are always going to be the same.

Good luck!

 

[aspiegirlfriend]

This is a very interesting thread and it is very helpful for me to see this topic and gain perspective. The term wah wah wah gave me a little giggle because I have figured out that if I send him something like a longer email or text, I get the feeling he doesn't really even bother reading it to the end. I realize he likes short and condensed messages so I try to do that and keep it to the point without much emotion. It works much better for him, and sometimes I will go back and edit before sending just so that I can make it short.

When we are together he is always very excited to see me and tells me how grateful he is. I enjoy his company so so much. What I find hard is the silence after our
get togethers. Where I would like a continuation of the excitement, his total shut down feels hurtful. It is very difficult for me to remain silent but I do because I respect his need for time. I don't know if he is just processing the time we had together, or if he has a need to compartmentalize. It feels like he packages me up in a little box to think about when he is ready.

I find it interesting that whenever we go somewhere, he asks if I will drive. I have no issue with this at all, but I found it to be a little odd. I am used to guys always wanting to be the driver. I did a bit of research and found that perhaps it is not so easy for him to drive in an area he is not used to. He lives in the city and walks everywhere which likely works great for him. The driving I assume is maybe a bit more complex to manouvre particularly in areas which are foreign to him.

I believe all of the compliments and the wonderful things he says to me. I take them at face value and am thankful. The hard part for me is his need for space. I realize now though that he will come back on his own time and we will pick up again where we left off.
The waiting is the hard part.

Thanks for this string of threads. Knowledge is a great thing.

 

[Priti1968]

Maybe I should also add the only other two texts he sent (amongst the litany of mine, which were not mean but sort of pleading for him go just talk to me and not end things on a bad note - I stopped trying the next afternoon).

He said: "for the foreseeable future, I need space" and "don't hate you. Maybe friends someday, just not right now."

Aww baby girl trust me I feel your pain. This issue is not because of him being on the spectrum it is due to lack of communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say comes to mind. As NTs our egos always get in the way and when a man pulls away we automatically start thinking it's because someone else is in the picture. When he told you he was on the spectrum that was already a big sign of how much he liked and trusted you. He reached out to you which is great. Respond because not doing so may hurt him. Just respond by saying I'll be here when you are done or if you need me. But write it only if you mean it. No one knows the time frame. Get busy doing your own things and time goes by quicker. If he doesn't come back ever that's okay. Always remember him for how he made you feel--happy. In socializing more yourself you might even meet potentials. Best of luck and chin up because you are still a great person. God bless.

 

[Mike D.]

This is a very interesting thread and it is very helpful for me to see this topic and gain perspective. The term wah wah wah gave me a little giggle because I have figured out that if I send him something like a longer email or text, I get the feeling he doesn't really even bother reading it to the end. I realize he likes short and condensed messages so I try to do that and keep it to the point without much emotion. It works much better for him, and sometimes I will go back and edit before sending just so that I can make it short.

When we are together he is always very excited to see me and tells me how grateful he is. I enjoy his company so so much. What I find hard is the silence after our
get togethers. Where I would like a continuation of the excitement, his total shut down feels hurtful. It is very difficult for me to remain silent but I do because I respect his need for time. I don't know if he is just processing the time we had together, or if he has a need to compartmentalize. It feels like he packages me up in a little box to think about when he is ready.

I find it interesting that whenever we go somewhere, he asks if I will drive. I have no issue with this at all, but I found it to be a little odd. I am used to guys always wanting to be the driver. I did a bit of research and found that perhaps it is not so easy for him to drive in an area he is not used to. He lives in the city and walks everywhere which likely works great for him. The driving I assume is maybe a bit more complex to manouvre particularly in areas which are foreign to him.

I believe all of the compliments and the wonderful things he says to me. I take them at face value and am thankful. The hard part for me is his need for space. I realize now though that he will come back on his own time and we will pick up again where we left off.
The waiting is the hard part.

Thanks for this string of threads. Knowledge is a great thing.

I usually need time to "recharge" after very intense social situations, even ones that I enjoy. Don't take it as a slight: take it as he likes you so much that he's willing to drain himself completely to spend quality time with you. He just needs to recover a bit so he doesn't burn out.

Personally, I find driving in traffic to be one of the most teeth-gritting stressful things to do. It's not that I can't do it: everyone who's commented mentions how safe of a driver I am. It just shoots my anxiety level through the roof because I am too aware of everything and everyone around me.

I also live in the city, and prefer walk or take mass transit even to buy groceries or drop off my laundry. I only drive when the mass transit time or cost versus driving becomes prohibitive, or if the load is far to great to carry.

I have bought single pieces of furniture (table, rocking chair) and huffed them a few blocks. That's the testament to my hatred for driving!

 

[aspiegirlfriend]

I usually need time to "recharge" after very intense social situations, even ones that I enjoy. Don't take it as a slight: take it as he likes you so much that he's willing to drain himself completely to spend quality time with you. He just needs to recover a bit so he doesn't burn out.

Personally, I find driving in traffic to be one of the most teeth-gritting stressful things to do. It's not that I can't do it: everyone who's commented mentions how safe of a driver I am. It just shoots my anxiety level through the roof because I am too aware of everything and everyone around me.

I also live in the city, and prefer walk or take mass transit even to buy groceries or drop off my laundry. I only drive when the mass transit time or cost versus driving becomes prohibitive, or if the load is far to great to carry.

I have bought single pieces of furniture (table, rocking chair) and huffed them a few blocks. That's the testament to my hatred for driving!

 

[aspiegirlfriend]

Your perspective is greatly appreciated and helps me to understand. Usually he takes about 4 days to respond back to me. He has already texted me this morning saying how happy he is....and it's only been a day since we spent time together. I do take it as a sign that he likes me so much he is willing to drain himself for me.

I am thankful to get your feedback on the driving thing. I am more than happy to drive and will continue to do so. I am sure it is very stressful for him. Your comment about hoofing furniture instead of driving is tell tale.

Thanks so much Mike. You are the best.

 

[MonolithImmortal]

We would spend 6 hours a day texting, talking, communicating and confiding everything in one another,

Hmm, sounds like me when my wife and I were dating. The relationship was new and exciting and I could channel my aspergerian hyper-focusing ability into our relationship so that we could do something like this.

But it's unsustainable and it burns us out. No wonder you're where your at now, the dude completely exhausted himself trying to meet a demand he simply is incapable of meeting in any sustainable way.

 

[Samantha mcbay]

I'm a woman not a man so I can't really give advice. But I thought I'd say this; I'm not sure if it's the same for all Aspergers but with me at least If I say something you need to listen to exactly what I'm saying and not to read your own feelings into it because when I say something there no an underlying meaning. I mean exactly what I say. If I want space then that's exactly what I mean for exactly the reasons I say if I specify them. Sometimes I don't know the reasons myself and I'll usually just say that. I have difficulty expressing myself but I'm usually blunt and to the point, and because of that have been told I am offensive even though I hadn't intended to be. It's only when people seem unable to understand me that I give up and just walk away from the issue. I prefer older people because they are exactly that, blunt and to the point. They don't dance around what they want or their feelings. If your not ok with what he wants then you need to work out what you want. Because it seems like you can't have both, respect him enough and give him space to let him be who he is in his own way and at the same time as having what you want. You can't change him EVER. Will you be happy with a relationship like this? I suggest taking this time to do some research on Aspergers to be able to understand him better. When he's ready he'll talk to you. When he does you need to be blunt in exactly what you want. Don't expect him to understand when you're hinting at something because he won't. Be very specific in what you want and how your feel. NTs seem to have a lot of trouble with that.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

So I thought I'd update you all on what has happened since I last came to you all for advice.

So I did eventually respond to that text he sent me, although I swore I wouldn't on this thread. He sent it on a Friday, and I was hopeful. I held on to it all weekend. And I responded on a Monday, and I responded politely and nicely, sort of how you all instructed, but when I didn't get a response I got kind of anxious. So I sent another text asking if we could meet (as I was right near his apartment, a rarity), and I didn't get any response at all. I was sad, since he had reached out and I had let a few days go by.

So the next day I texted him again, and he responded but it was very harsh. About how this is exactly what he meant, how I can't give space when he's doing important things and therefore he can't have me in his during these times. That I don't think I have anything to do with the situation, I think it's all him being mean to me, but I am wrong. And that I come at him with guilt and accusations, and he doesn't want to have one of "those" conversations.

I kept trying to text him to get him to talk, and he wouldn't answer. So I gave up. I was reading something he wrote, work-wise on Thursday night, and forwarded it to him, with a two line sweet nice note, reminding him how good it was and how important it is (in general), and how I went to delete it and started reading it and was reminded how wonderful it is. That's it. Friday I texted him two sentences asking him very kindly and politely to talk. He responded: At work. I'll email you tonight.

I was very nervous as I didn't think an email sounded good, but Saturday he texted me apologizing for not emailing and said we could talk that weekend (he explained he was out of state), and we set up a phone call for Sunday.

Guys, I was so nervous. I couldn't do anything from the time we set it up to the time we spoke except walk in circles with my headphones on. I must have walked 20 miles.

When we talked he answered the phone and he was nice, friendly, made a couple minutes of small talk. Then said, "so yeah, you want to know where I stand?" I was like no, no, I mean I think I know where you stand on things, I was just so confused about how things happened...

The short of things: He said the breaking point was that I couldn't give him space when he asked for space. He said that it was I kept contacting him during that period and he really needed to know I could give him space because his project is so important to him right now. On top of that, he said the last two months of our relationship had been really stressful for him. He said there had been a lot more fighting than in the beginning and he had been telling me it had been stressful for him but I hadn't been listening no matter what, and I had grown really aggressive and possessive. He didn't feel respected because he said he didn't feel like I was "hearing" him. So the fact when he said he needed space and I refused to give it to him, that was his breaking point.

He said this doesn't mean he doesn't care about me anymore or like me anymore or appreciate me anymore, it just means he can't handle going through what he did with me the past few months when he has a career defining project on the line. he said other people in his life, like his friends, know he'll disappear for weeks at a time the pop back into their lives, but he knows i wouldn't be able to handle that.

he also confirmed that there's no other girl, etc. but i didn't really think there was (a lot of my friends did, but they don't really understand him, the way he is).

then he dropped this: he said he's hoping we can be friends again when this is done, but we're never going to date again. that he'll call me when the project's done so we can get a cup of coffee.

he texted me an hour later or so to say: thank you for being so understanding. i'll reach back out when this is finished.

but i felt like i had been punched in the gut to hear him say "the last couple months had not been fun for me, you were incredibly aggressive and possessive" "it as incredibly different from the first half of the year" and "i hope we can be friends again, but we are not going to date again."

i was so happy he was talking to me again but this all seems so final. we spent all day every day talking to one another, and i feel like he rewrote this narrative in his head of the situation between us, and it sounds awful.

i also know how stubborn he is, and if he's convinced himself we should never get back together.... well. i am screwed.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

by the way, as a timeline, this puts us as speaking/seeing each other again in august.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

I just reread all of your replies... Twice. I feel this is the most informative place for me to gain some perspective as I have mentioned I feel friends, etc don't have an informed view of things (they feel he should behave a "certain way" or its automatically considered "bad").

I have never been in a position where I had to give him space before since the early stages of us our relationship. I don't think I understood how serious he was and when he meant "space" he literally meant zero contact with me ("space" to me seems like an email if you have a question, or a text if you need something but zero contact seems so extreme).

I have told him from day one I wanted to work to understand his needs better and I know it always wouldn't be easy but the same goes for me. Sometimes that's the way things are when you care about someone. I think he felt he kept trying and I wasn't doing enough to try for him.

I am going to give him all the space he requested this summer and he hope he contacts me come August. And hope maybe someday he'll have a change of heart and give it another shot.

 

[MonolithImmortal]

...On top of that, he said the last two months of our relationship had been really stressful for him. He said there had been a lot more fighting than in the beginning and he had been telling me it had been stressful for him but I hadn't been listening no matter what, and I had grown really aggressive and possessive...

but i felt like i had been punched in the gut to hear him say "the last couple months had not been fun for me, you were incredibly aggressive and possessive" "it as incredibly different from the first half of the year"...

i was so happy he was talking to me again but this all seems so final. we spent all day every day talking to one another, and i feel like he rewrote this narrative in his head of the situation between us, and it sounds awful

Like I said in my last post, that level of engagement is EXHAUSTING for us and even if we seem ok on the outside with it, internally we can be building up to a major burnout. TBH you seem like someone who needs A LOT of social interaction with and emotional validation from a significant other (which there's nothing wrong with that), but honestly that's a demand that an Aspie can not meet long term in a satisfactory way. You guys would be miserable together over a long term relationship. Go ahead and cut your losses and realize that you're not really suited to a relationship with an Aspie, no matter what surface characteristics you find endearing and attractive.

I don't mean to be rude or demeaning in anyway, but I think both of you will be happier long term to move on.