Recently realized I’m likely autistic

[daniegirl6224]

Hi My name is Danie. 38yo. I’m a nurse and work in mental health. My interests are my boyfriend, my dog, bipolar disorder, and autism. I just recently came to the realization that I am very likely autistic. I have always really struggled with social interactions and executive dysfunction. I used to tune out all stimulation but now that I am aware of it, things are so loud! I wish I could go back to my quiet life haha. Working on coping with realizing that I’m autistic- I almost feel like my entire life was fake because I didn’t know I was autistic before. Can anyone relate?

 

[Judge]

Working on coping with realizing that I’m autistic- I almost feel like my entire life was fake because I didn’t know I was autistic before. Can anyone relate?

We All relate to that. I didn't figure it out until around the age of 55, and quite by accident.

There's a lot of us out there who for whatever reason continue to live independently, yet struggle in interacting with others while being "under the radar" of the medical community.

Welcome to the Autism Forums. Where you might find that interacting directly with your own kind can be most beneficial in determining who and what you are neurologically speaking.

 

[daniegirl6224]

We All relate to that. I didn't figure it out until around the age of 55, and quite by accident.

There's a lot of us out there who for whatever reason continue to live independently, yet struggle in interacting with others while being "under the radar" of the medical community.

Welcome to the Autism Forums. Where you might find that interacting directly with your own kind can be most beneficial in determining who and what you are neurologically speaking.

Thank you so much, Judge. Your post made me feel not as alone

 

[Judge]

Thank you so much, Judge. Your post made me feel not as alone

It really is an amazing thing to feel so out-of-touch with the rest of the world, only to come here and find so many people who have and can relate to one's very individual traits and behaviors.

The sort of thing you're simply not likely to experience through reading medical journals.

Critical for me, as despite now being able to possibly spot fellow autistic persons I really don't encounter them in real life or in real time. Though in hindsight it has allowed me to realize I likely have two cousins who are on the spectrum and don't know it.

 

[daniegirl6224]

Judge you have such great insight! I love your first sentence, it truly is an incredible thing.

And so interesting, I don’t think I could spot fellow autistics either!

 

[Judge]

And so interesting, I don’t think I could spot fellow autistics either!

Well, I should probably clarify that. I believe can spot an autistic male quite easily. Nothing remarkable as I suspect many of my peers here would agree.

However quickly or accurately identifying an autistic woman or girl....oh my. Not so easy!

Which allowed me to realize how many autistic women remain "under the radar" even more so than men.

 

[daniegirl6224]

Well, I should probably clarify that. I believe can spot an autistic male quite easily. Nothing remarkable as I suspect many of my peers here would agree.

However quickly or accurately identifying an autistic woman or girl....oh my. Not so easy!

Haha too funny!

 

[Judge]

Haha too funny!

Do you feel overly conscious about masking your traits and behaviors? Are you comfortable in doing so?

I ask, as despite how prone I remain in masking, the process is nevertheless quite taxing to me, emotionally and physically.

Weird too to realize that I was masking who and what I am, long before even figuring it all out.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I relate did not figure it out until my mid fifties. now retired, explained a lot. Life made sense after. Currently finding it easy to spot fellow travelers. Many successful.

 

[Judge]

One thing for sure. Having been in this online community for many years, my immediate impression of newcomers remains the same.

That what draws people here with a question of who and what they are is not any casual reaction or whim. It's very serious, and in nearly every case they seem to eventually validate themselves as to who and what they are, with or without a formal medical diagnosis.

The reality being that we seldom get people who come and remain here for some time who determine, "Nope, I'm not autistic. Lucky me!" Not likely to happen...or in a few cases they might discover they have another condition they didn't have, or even multiple cormorbid conditions that seem to be present with autistic people. Such as my formally diagnosed OCD and clinical depression. (From my own point of view, my OCD presents greater challenges for me compared to autism.)

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Welcome, Danie!

Since recently, I work in mental health, too, as a doctor instead of a nurse. How do you feel in your work environment, considering that you might be autistic? Do you feel like you work differently than the others, or that it has an impact on how you are with the patients?

Working on coping with realizing that I’m autistic- I almost feel like my entire life was fake because I didn’t know I was autistic before. Can anyone relate?

Absolutely. I don't feel like my entire life was fake - however, I've come to assemble more and more memories, little things about myself, which are connected into the autism.
Such as: I only today remembered how, as a child, I'd make all those "weird" little sounds often, had a habit of often smelling something, a stuffed animal or my own fingers, repeat words because I liked how they felt in my mouth, and other little things. I clearly remembered having facial tics - I still have some of those - but those other things only clearly came back into my memory today, when I thought of them.
I also had some strange moments recently where someone else told me in retrospect about social situations where I had behaved "strangely" or "weirdly". I had not realized that at the time.
Makes me feel like I missed many things around me growing up. Weird feeling.

I used to tune out all stimulation but now that I am aware of it, things are so loud! I wish I could go back to my quiet life haha.

I so can relate to that. Same here.

 

[daniegirl6224]

Do you feel overly conscious about masking your traits and behaviors? Are you comfortable in doing so?

I ask, as despite how prone I remain in masking, the process is nevertheless quite taxing to me, emotionally and physically.

Weird too to realize that I was masking who and what I am, long before even figuring it all out.

What interesting questions! I like your mind

I am completely unaware that I am masking when I mask, but have masked my entire life in almost every situation outside of my home. Is any of this true for you?

That being said, it is extremely exhausting, even though I don’t realize that I am doing it. And I feel uncomfortable the entire time I mask, which is most of the hours of my days.

Agreed, super weird that we were masking our entire lives and didn’t know it!

 

[Judge]

I am completely unaware that I am masking when I mask, but have masked my entire life in almost every situation outside of my home. Is any of this true for you?

That being said, it is extremely exhausting, even though I don’t realize that I am doing it. And I feel uncomfortable the entire time I mask, which is most of the hours of my days.

Agreed, super weird that we were masking our entire lives and didn’t know it!

Guilty as charged. Pretty much everything you have said. The one thing that still frustrates me is even now when I am so aware of it all, I still am inclined to mask myself to varying degrees with my own brother and cousin. The only two people I have any real contact with, as otherwise I live in near isolation being in retirement.

One of the benefits of retirement though that I have discovered is that I am not beholding to much of anyone any more. So I don't have to mask as much as I used to.

In my own case it was tragic for me to be totally unaware of my autism, particularly with failed relationships with NT women. Not entirely my fault, but mostly and easily attributed to my autistic traits and behaviors. I wish I had known thirty years earlier than I did....<sigh>

 

[Alexej]

I almost feel like my entire life was fake because I didn’t know I was autistic before. Can anyone relate?

HI @daniegirl6224
Welcome to the Forums. Glad you have found us.

Regarding the fakeness of life, I sometimes wonder who I am, since I have been masking so much all through my life, that I think I have forgotten the real me. Glad you have come to the realisation about autism - self diagnosis is quite accepted in autistic circles.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Working on coping with realizing that I’m autistic- I almost feel like my entire life was fake because I didn’t know I was autistic before. Can anyone relate?

Lovely photo, BTW.

Well, the good news is that your life wasn't fake. Perhaps a bit of an "identity crisis" might be more accurate.

Like many of us that were diagnosed later in life, we didn't know what we didn't know, we might have been frustrated or questioned why we couldn't be like others, or why things seemed so darn easy for others. The people around us and even ourselves may have come up with a "moral diagnosis" of us, perhaps beating ourselves up, ruining our self-esteems along the way.

I was actually happy and relieved to finally have the diagnosis, the epiphany that I couldn't be and never will be, for better or worse, like "other people". For me, it was easy to accept. For my wife, it took about a year or so to settle into her psyche. My parents and siblings totally rejected the whole idea. My kids didn't care either way.

I have totally accepted and embraced my condition, but I am not one to use it as an "identity". Some of my students and co-workers know, but I am also in a position of being respected, an educator, a mentor, and I am a high performer at my job. I don't use my condition as an excuse to not do things but rather play to my strengths whenever possible to do things others cannot. I am a bit socially isolated but get along great with everyone. Good acquaintances, but no true friends, at least by my definition of a friend.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is give yourself some grace, have some humility and humor about yourself, and don't take things so seriously. You are probably your own worst critic and perhaps worry about what other people think of you, but the reality is that, for better or worse, most people don't think of you. So, easy come, easy go.

 

[daniegirl6224]

I relate did not figure it out until my mid fifties. now retired, explained a lot. Life made sense after. Currently finding it easy to spot fellow travelers. Many successful.

So glad it made life make sense for you! It has for me too

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Once I figured it out noticed what I thought was bad luck, started turning around. Everything made sense. I could put paths together for others which usually always worked, but never worked for myself. Sort of like playing chess looking over a shoulder you can see the moves. play yourself you do not see the moves.

 

[daniegirl6224]

One thing for sure. Having been in this online community for many years, my immediate impression of newcomers remains the same.

That what draws people here with a question of who and what they are is not any casual reaction or whim. It's very serious, and in nearly every case they seem to eventually validate themselves as to who and what they are, with or without a formal medical diagnosis.

The reality being that we seldom get people who come and remain here for some time who determine, "Nope, I'm not autistic. Lucky me!" Not likely to happen...or in a few cases they might discover they have another condition they didn't have, or even multiple cormorbid conditions that seem to be present with autistic people. Such as my formally diagnosed OCD and clinical depression. (From my own point of view, my OCD presents greater challenges for me compared to autism.)

So true that it is serious and not a casual whim!

What aspects of OCD impact you the most?

I also have bipolar disorder, anxiety, and ADHD. I’m realizing that most of my anxiety is due to the autism. Thankfully my bipolar has been completely stable for a couple years now.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I almost feel like my entire life was fake because I didn’t know I was autistic before. Can anyone relate?

Welcome,

I have been doing a lot of re-understanding of my past. Not that my life was fake, but It did not matched.

So my friends friendship was not fake, but neither authentic. It did not match. After reading and reflecting about autism it match, but my memories do not. The stories I told myself were not accurate, so I have been re-understanding my past with my current knowledge. Not easy.

Is that what you mean by "fake" ? Or you are talking more about masking?

 

[daniegirl6224]

Welcome, Danie!

Since recently, I work in mental health, too, as a doctor instead of a nurse. How do you feel in your work environment, considering that you might be autistic? Do you feel like you work differently than the others, or that it has an impact on how you are with the patients?

Absolutely. I don't feel like my entire life was fake - however, I've come to assemble more and more memories, little things about myself, which are connected into the autism.
Such as: I only today remembered how, as a child, I'd make all those "weird" little sounds often, had a habit of often smelling something, a stuffed animal or my own fingers, repeat words because I liked how they felt in my mouth, and other little things. I clearly remembered having facial tics - I still have some of those - but those other things only clearly came back into my memory today, when I thought of them.
I also had some strange moments recently where someone else told me in retrospect about social situations where I had behaved "strangely" or "weirdly". I had not realized that at the time.
Makes me feel like I missed many things around me growing up. Weird feeling.

I so can relate to that. Same here.

Welcome, Danie!

Since recently, I work in mental health, too, as a doctor instead of a nurse. How do you feel in your work environment, considering that you might be autistic? Do you feel like you work differently than the others, or that it has an impact on how you are with the patients?

Absolutely. I don't feel like my entire life was fake - however, I've come to assemble more and more memories, little things about myself, which are connected into the autism.
Such as: I only today remembered how, as a child, I'd make all those "weird" little sounds often, had a habit of often smelling something, a stuffed animal or my own fingers, repeat words because I liked how they felt in my mouth, and other little things. I clearly remembered having facial tics - I still have some of those - but those other things only clearly came back into my memory today, when I thought of them.
I also had some strange moments recently where someone else told me in retrospect about social situations where I had behaved "strangely" or "weirdly". I had not realized that at the time.
Makes me feel like I missed many things around me growing up. Weird feeling.

I so can relate to that. Same here.

Thank you! Awesome that you are a doctor in mental health! Inpatient or outpatient?

Good questions! I’ve lucked out as I have found my “niche” in nursing. I’m an intake coordinator nurse for an inpatient unit- so basically I review charts and then assess whether patients are a good fit for our program. It works really well for my brain. I do well while doing the phone assessments with patients. I have a separate quiet office without extra stimulation. However, when I get floated from my position to the floor/unit, I get completely overstimulated and shut down/ meltdown. It is hard. Just grateful I have my position that works for me. And what about you??

And your world used to be quiet too until you realized you were autistic??! Now is it usually quiet or loud for you? I’d say 80% of the time my world is silent, and then 20% of the time noise is completely overstimulating for me.