Recently realized I’m likely autistic

[Richelle-H]

Hello Danie and welcome.

While I am an outlier in my presentation, I am evidently still easily red by those with more than a passing understanding of how every autistic person is an individual and may share traits but walks through life with their own experiences and understanding, informing and contributing to their lives in ways both enlightening and challenging.

I always felt different growing up. I remember gazing out the window at the night sky at around 7 or 8 and feeling as if I was an alien, for I did not relate to any of those around me. I was in my thirties before things started to fall into place for me.

I married 6 days after my 38th birthday and more than forty years later we are still married, although we have lived in different abodes for more than half that time. My spouse is neurotypical and is the person who informed me that I might have Asperger's syndrome while they were working on a post graduate degree in psychology (I was in my early 40s at the time).

A professional diagnosis made no significant difference in my life then, as I had made a great deal of progress eliminating or better dealing with my rampant depression from earlier years as well as some significant and recurring anxiety (depression no longer rises to the levels it hit when I was in my teens and twenties and is insignificant, but I still experience minor anxiety from time to time that can disrupt what passes for my normal).

Being different from the masses has always empowered me rather than making me feel inadequate. I am finally happy with who I am. It is a pity it took so long!

Be kind to yourself and may your life be filled with joy and wonder.

 

[daniegirl6224]

Guilty as charged. Pretty much everything you have said. The one thing that still frustrates me is even now when I am so aware of it all, I still am inclined to mask myself to varying degrees with my own brother and cousin. The only two people I have any real contact with, as otherwise I live in near isolation being in retirement.

One of the benefits of retirement though that I have discovered is that I am not beholding to much of anyone any more. So I don't have to mask as much as I used to.

In my own case it was tragic for me to be totally unaware of my autism, particularly with failed relationships with NT women. Not entirely my fault, but mostly and easily attributed to my autistic traits and behaviors. I wish I had known thirty years earlier than I did....<sigh>

You said you still mask with your brother and cousin- are there people that you don’t mask with? For me the only people I do not mask with are my boyfriend, my therapist, and my bestie. Everyone else gets the mask, even my parents and sister

Is it hard living in near-isolation?

I agree, I wish I had known about my autism so much earlier!

 

[daniegirl6224]

HI @daniegirl6224
Welcome to the Forums. Glad you have found us.

Regarding the fakeness of life, I sometimes wonder who I am, since I have been masking so much all through my life, that I think I have forgotten the real me. Glad you have come to the realisation about autism - self diagnosis is quite accepted in autistic circles.

Thank you!
I think the real me is the me when I’m at home, either by myself or with my boyfriend. The rest of my life is all just a charade. Which is so weird to me. I value authenticity, and yet I am questioning if I am actually authentic because I subconsciously mask the majority of the time. Such a strange thing to think about.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Thank you! Awesome that you are a doctor in mental health! Inpatient or outpatient?

Good questions! I’ve lucked out as I have found my “niche” in nursing. I’m an intake coordinator nurse for an inpatient unit- so basically I review charts and then assess whether patients are a good fit for our program. It works really well for my brain. I do well while doing the phone assessments with patients. I have a separate quiet office without extra stimulation. However, when I get floated from my position to the floor/unit, I get completely overstimulated and shut down/ meltdown. It is hard. Just grateful I have my position that works for me. And what about you??

And your world used to be quiet too until you realized you were autistic??! Now is it usually quiet or loud for you? I’d say 80% of the time my world is silent, and then 20% of the time noise is completely overstimulating for me.

Your job position and surroundings sound well-suited for you. I am glad that you found a good fit for yourself!

Both, in a way. For now, my main job is outpatient, but I'll regularly have on-call shifts at the associated inpatient hospital. After a while, I will fully rotate to inpatient care for a time. It's part of my training. I don't know yet whether I prefer outpatient or inpatient care long-term, I will wait and see how it goes. Also, I am figuring out how the whole job-working-full-time thing is going for me. I've just started, so I'm adjusting and figuring lots of things out.
Thankfully, I know already from internships and my short working time that I love talking to patients and their relatives. I've never had any issues with that. I have a very analytical and out-of-the-box way of thinking and talking to them (or so I've been told in the past), so I'm not scared to ask the hard questions, and really listen to the patients and want to understand exactly what's going on for them personally - probably because that's how I've been getting through life anyway. And most patients appreciate this.
The daily work life, dealing with colleagues, navigating the new work social environment, is much much harder.

Well, "quiet" isn't really accurate. But I didn't realize it was THIS loud, crowded and bright - or how much this bothered me.
As a child, growing up, I remember that each time I entered a clothes store, a mall, anywhere crowded, or also strong-smelling cosmetics stores, I'd suddenly get really tired and brain-foggy. Like a bone-deep tiredness and brain-fog, just from stepping over the threshold. Often I'd also feel a bit nauseated.
Later, as a teenager, I still felt this but somehow suppressed it more. It still felt really uncomfortable and I just felt overall kind of sick-ish in these situations without being able to tell why.
Now, I still have this, but it's less unguided exhaustion, and more a tired brain-fog blinded-by-lights everything-is-so-loud too-many-details-to-take-in how-am-I-ever-going-to-find-a-particular-thing-in-here HEADPHONES I-want-to-get-out-of-here kind of way, which I couldn't differentiate that much before - it was just this super-heavy exhaustion each time.
It's similar for me that I am able to tune the world out well enough at - let's say 60% of the time so it doesn't really bothers me. Then about 30% are days/times where my filter's thin, and it bothers me more or less, but I manage to handle it with headphones etc. And the remaining 10% are completely overstimulating and I need to get out of there asap.

 

[brandybild]

Hello, Danie! Nice to have you here. Your sudden awakening, or having a self diagnosis "click" is not at all unusual. Like many others, (I am 70) autism was not known or not well understood when I was a child, teen, or even into mid-life, and a correct diagnosis did not come for me till mid 50s, so I consider you lucky. But, once I had understanding, so much more made sense. I had been faking (masking is I guess a preferred term) to get along, and did so reasonably well, even without knowing. And it seems to get easier/more natural as you grow older. But, it is tiring, indeed, having to figure out the NT world and then do what you can to make a suitable response to "it in" and get along. I used to have many casual "friendly" acquaintances" but no real friends. Now that I am retired, I have actually made 3 pretty strong real friendships with other guys. So, welcome here, no one judges, you'll have plenty of support and understanding. Good luck. Nice picture, BTW.

 

[brandybild]

Oops! Typo - "FIT" in, not it in.

 

[Tom]

I think a lot of ND folks end up in the mental health field or in special ed.

Who's the cute dog? What breed?

 

[Jumpinbare]

Agreed, super weird that we were masking our entire lives and didn’t know it!

I absolutely knew. I didn't know it was called masking, and I didn't know I was autistic, but I knew I was hiding my true self and pretending to be normal enough to be left alone.

 

[FayetheAspie]

Well, I should probably clarify that. I believe can spot an autistic male quite easily. Nothing remarkable as I suspect many of my peers here would agree.

However quickly or accurately identifying an autistic woman or girl....oh my. Not so easy!

Which allowed me to realize how many autistic women remain "under the radar" even more so than men.

I don't understand why people say that it is hard to identify women/girls as being autistic. Don't odd posture, difficulties knowing how to regulate eye contact, pacing, rocking, and enthusiastic monologs about our special interests stand out just as much. If anything it seems like we stand out more due to fewer of us who do act this way.

 

[Judge]

I don't understand why people say that it is hard to identify women/girls as being autistic. Don't odd posture, difficulties knowing how to regulate eye contact, pacing, rocking, and enthusiastic monologs about our special interests stand out just as much. If anything it seems like we stand out more due to fewer of us who do act this way.

One may stand out, however "in the big picture" it would seem many more autistic women don't necessarily stand out at all. Sufficient to be off the radar of many medical professionals:

Why Autistic Girls Can Be Less Likely To Be Diagnosed

Why Many Autistic Girls Are Overlooked - Child Mind Institute

Understanding undiagnosed autism in adult females

Why Are Many Autistic Women Missed or Misdiagnosed?

Is autism being missed among women and girls?

 

[daniegirl6224]

One may stand out, however "in the big picture" it would seem many more autistic women don't necessarily stand out at all. Sufficient to be off the radar of many medical professionals:

Why Autistic Girls Can Be Less Likely To Be Diagnosed

Why Many Autistic Girls Are Overlooked - Child Mind Institute

Understanding undiagnosed autism in adult females

Why Are Many Autistic Women Missed or Misdiagnosed?

Is autism being missed among women and girls?

Great articles, thank you!

 

[daniegirl6224]

One may stand out, however "in the big picture" it would seem many more autistic women don't necessarily stand out at all. Sufficient to be off the radar of many medical professionals:

Why Autistic Girls Can Be Less Likely To Be Diagnosed

Why Many Autistic Girls Are Overlooked - Child Mind Institute

Understanding undiagnosed autism in adult females

Why Are Many Autistic Women Missed or Misdiagnosed?

Is autism being missed among women and girls?

From article #2:

“Another reason girls may not be diagnosed is because they’re able to “pass.”

“Girls tend to get by,” Dr. Epstein says. “They might not understand what’s going on but they’ll try to just go along and imitate what they see. And they may get away with it to third grade or fifth grade, but once they get to junior high and high school, it shows as a problem.””

I feel like I fit in socially until the 5th grade. Ever since the fifth grade I have felt out of place and completely socially inept. That is what this article is saying right?? That you can “fit in” more when younger but once you reach a certain age you don’t fit in anymore? Does that mean my social skills are at a 4-5 grade level?

 

[FayetheAspie]

From article #2:

“Another reason girls may not be diagnosed is because they’re able to “pass.”

“Girls tend to get by,” Dr. Epstein says. “They might not understand what’s going on but they’ll try to just go along and imitate what they see. And they may get away with it to third grade or fifth grade, but once they get to junior high and high school, it shows as a problem.””

I feel like I fit in socially until the 5th grade. Ever since the fifth grade I have felt out of place and completely socially inept. That is what this article is saying right?? That you can “fit in” more when younger but once you reach a certain age you don’t fit in anymore? Does that mean my social skills are at a 4-5 grade level?

I was not much of one to try to immitate peers. I liked what I liked. If that meant being rejected by peers then as sad as that may be when it happens, it's just the way it's got to be. I was always trying to find someone my age who shared my interests by making my interests known and inquiring about the other children's favorite subjects and such. I tried hard to win the other kids over to liking the things that I did but I don't understand why someone would distance themselves from the things they love and/or pretend to enjoy things they find boring just to "fit in." As a young child I was often mocked by calling me things like "Einstein. " I'm not sure how that is supposed to be an insult but whatever. Anyway if the same age friend that I have been looking for my whole life really exists, I will never find them if I and /or them am to busy pretending to be neurotypical and just doing whatever is "popular " instead of what we really love.

 

[Judge]

I feel like I fit in socially until the 5th grade. Ever since the fifth grade I have felt out of place and completely socially inept. That is what this article is saying right?? That you can “fit in” more when younger but once you reach a certain age you don’t fit in anymore? Does that mean my social skills are at a 4-5 grade level?

The way I see it, it's not a matter of assessing social skills or implying that one can stagnate socially at a specific time, but rather to recognize that as one gets older, social dynamics inevitably become more complex. Especially during and after puberty.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I Lot of us could contribute a lot more, if society in general accepted us Lucky for me I Never got diagnosed.
Thought I was just stuck with bad luck, so just used straight perseverance to get ahead. which worked.

 

[daniegirl6224]

Guilty as charged. Pretty much everything you have said. The one thing that still frustrates me is even now when I am so aware of it all, I still am inclined to mask myself to varying degrees with my own brother and cousin. The only two people I have any real contact with, as otherwise I live in near isolation being in retirement.

One of the benefits of retirement though that I have discovered is that I am not beholding to much of anyone any more. So I don't have to mask as much as I used to.

In my own case it was tragic for me to be totally unaware of my autism, particularly with failed relationships with NT women. Not entirely my fault, but mostly and easily attributed to my autistic traits and behaviors. I wish I had known thirty years earlier than I did....<sigh>

How did you learn how to unmask? I sincerely don’t know how. Is it normal to not comprehend that?

 

[Judge]

How did you learn how to unmask? I sincerely don’t know how. Is it normal to not comprehend that?

The short answer? - I didn't. But as a retired person living in relative isolation by choice I don't have many social situations dictating complex social dynamics other than my own relatives. One in town, the other a thousand miles to the north. Beyond that the cursory, incidental social contacts I have with people don't allow them enough time for me to know me as being autistic or having OCD.

Normal? Oh dear. The "N" word. I try not to use that one, particularly when it comes to autism. What's "normal" for one person may not be so much to the other...and so on. From my own perspective, we have no standards that reflect any kind of "normal".

Occasionally we've had members who advocate not masking at all, and just being ourselves. Which is fine if you're not around people who either at home or at work have little tolerance socially speaking regarding some of our traits and behaviors that may offend them easily.

And I suppose it all amounts to lifetime "learning curve" as to how you learn to navigate yourselves around specific people to avoid problems. Of course in as much as you are concerned about not turning off your masking, we have others who have great difficulty in masking- period. That much can also be quite true.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I have two social occasions coming up Christmas at my sons place and two days later birthday party for my brother at my sisters place. Should be lots of fellow autistics at both, bit of tension at Christmas gathering with sons partner family present, his mother in law can be a bit over zealous, thinking she knows how to handle people like us.

 

[daniegirl6224]

The short answer? - I didn't. But as a retired person living in relative isolation by choice I don't have many social situations dictating complex social dynamics other than my own relatives. One in town, the other a thousand miles to the north. Beyond that the cursory, incidental social contacts I have with people don't allow them enough time for me to know me as being autistic or having OCD.

Normal? Oh dear. The "N" word. I try not to use that one, particularly when it comes to autism. What's "normal" for one person may not be so much to the other...and so on. From my own perspective, we have no standards that reflect any kind of "normal".

Occasionally we've had members who advocate not masking at all, and just being ourselves. Which is fine if you're not around people who either at home or at work have little tolerance socially speaking regarding some of our traits and behaviors that may offend them easily.

And I suppose it all amounts to lifetime "learning curve" as to how you learn to navigate yourselves around specific people to avoid problems. Of course in as much as you are concerned about not turning off your masking, we have others who have great difficulty in masking- period. That much can also be quite true.

Interesting that some people have difficulty masking!
I ordered a book on unmasking, excited for it to arrive

 

[FayetheAspie]

Interesting that some people have difficulty masking!
I ordered a book on unmasking, excited for it to arrive

I don't think I pass for neurotypical too well. People notice that some of my expressions, mannerisms, and such are a little off. This is worse under stress or when excited but I don't typically come off neurotypical even when not under stress. Also I tend to rock side to side when standing in one place and fidget when sitting. Also many of my interests are not particularly common.