Rejection...again

[RemyZee]

It's been a week of rejection. I've been trying to get out there because I am tired of loneliness, but it often seems just about no one wants me around. First, I made plans with a woman for lunch for the second time she didn't show up or even call. I sat there for 30 minutes. Nothing. Then I made a plan with a lady I know--when the day came to get together she made an excuse for the second time. Another person I made plans with to get together for dinner. She bailed the same day. I don't understand why people can be such assholes and they are so good at breaking my heart. I can handle rejection but 3 times in a week? I don't know what im doing wrong! Social things are so difficult anyway--but it's a lifelong thing. I try to be a good person, do the right thing, be helpful. But it's like everyone around me gets it and I'm totally lost. And it happens again and again and again. I try to just deal. But I know in the end what's going to happen. It's not that it happens some of the time, bit every time. I never know whether someone is just trying to be polite, or if they actually want to be around me. But it gets tiring and I want to give up

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Well, on the plus side, you've got the initiative, ambition, and courage to put yourself out there. However, as you've already figured out, this is not enough. It is a competition out there, like it or not. That said, you have to ask yourself, "Of all the people out there in the world, why would anyone pick me for a partner?" "What do I bring to the relationship that a potential life partner would be seeking?" "What virtues, values, and characteristics do I have that make me more valuable than another person?" "Why would anyone want to spend time with me?"

If you can't answer these honest questions, then that's the problem. Now, what do you have to do to make yourself more marketable?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You are not alone! When I started dating I took about 3 rejections to get one date and about 5 dates to recognize the possibility of a relationship. But, I learned how to identify accepting women and chalked up women declining a date with me as possible incompatibility. I learned to value personality, values, and interests and this worked for me. The sweetest rejection was when a woman suggested I talk to another that she knew liked me. That resulted in my first relationship and while it did not work out, it set me on the path to meeting the love of my life.

Keep up your effort.

 

[Sasha22]

Agree with the above. You can try to look at your target pool: who are these people who are rejecting you? I've had to completely change my surroundings before I could meet people I can be around and who I know want to be around me (never 100% sure, but pretty sure ). If people are cancelling on you like this, maybe one of the things you are doing wrong is the choice of people you are making plans with?

 

[Judge]

It's been a week of rejection. I've been trying to get out there because I am tired of loneliness, but it often seems just about no one wants me around. First, I made plans with a woman for lunch for the second time she didn't show up or even call. I sat there for 30 minutes. Nothing. Then I made a plan with a lady I know--when the day came to get together she made an excuse for the second time. Another person I made plans with to get together for dinner. She bailed the same day. I don't understand why people can be such assholes and they are so good at breaking my heart. I can handle rejection but 3 times in a week? I don't know what im doing wrong! Social things are so difficult anyway--but it's a lifelong thing. I try to be a good person, do the right thing, be helpful. But it's like everyone around me gets it and I'm totally lost. And it happens again and again and again. I try to just deal. But I know in the end what's going to happen. It's not that it happens some of the time, bit every time. I never know whether someone is just trying to be polite, or if they actually want to be around me. But it gets tiring and I want to give up

There may be one element of the equation that you don't see or consider. That the women you are connecting with may simply not have the ability to say "no" in real time. So they do so after the fact.

It sucks, but my point is that such a social dynamic is about them far more than it is about you.

Hang in there, at some point you may find someone with a backbone who responds to you honestly, and in real time. Who is willing to spend time with you based on whatever agreement you make to meet with each other.

 

[Sasha22]

There may be one element of the equation that you don't see or consider. That the women you are connecting with may simply not have the ability to say "no" in real time. So they do so after the fact.

It sucks, but my point is that such a social dynamic is about them far more than it is about you.

Hang in there, at some point you may find someone with a backbone who responds to you honestly, and in real time. Who is willing to spend time with you based on whatever agreement you make to meet with each other.

Agree with the backbone angle - it's incredibly rude and likely cowardly to not even show up, not even warn, wasting your time. I would have been pretty pissed.
Mainly it looks like you need to put yourself in the driver's seat. Figure out how to be someone with whom you can't just "not show up"; and improve your aim when selecting who you ask out.

 

[Judge]

Mainly it looks like you need to put yourself in the driver's seat. Figure out how to be someone with whom you can't just "not show up"; and improve your aim when selecting who you ask out.

Hopefully. Though it may be a stretch to accurately figure out how to read a weak personality from a strong one. Still, it's definitely something to be aware of when they first meet someone they want to have further contact with.

That you can't- and shouldn't necessarily take everything a casual acquaintance projects at face value. To give them more credit socially as you progressively learn more about them with more actual social contacts.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

It's been a week of rejection. I've been trying to get out there because I am tired of loneliness, but it often seems just about no one wants me around. First, I made plans with a woman for lunch for the second time she didn't show up or even call. I sat there for 30 minutes. Nothing. Then I made a plan with a lady I know--when the day came to get together she made an excuse for the second time. Another person I made plans with to get together for dinner. She bailed the same day. I don't understand why people can be such assholes and they are so good at breaking my heart. I can handle rejection but 3 times in a week? I don't know what im doing wrong! Social things are so difficult anyway--but it's a lifelong thing. I try to be a good person, do the right thing, be helpful. But it's like everyone around me gets it and I'm totally lost. And it happens again and again and again. I try to just deal. But I know in the end what's going to happen. It's not that it happens some of the time, bit every time. I never know whether someone is just trying to be polite, or if they actually want to be around me. But it gets tiring and I want to give up

Man, I hate it. It’s awful. You’re not alone and makes you question yourself or hate yourself, at least I do. It makes you wish women can see the good in you, but they don’t always take the time to.

Don’t give up, man. Keep fighting. Keep putting yourself out there. Eventually, some woman is bound to appreciate the good about you, your awesome self.

Your better off without the ones who did that to you and deserve someone who will follow through.

 

[Aspychata]

First l think l would ask how you met these woman, if they were very recent connections? Talked to them in passing somewhere? If you didn't have much of a connection to begin with, then it still was rude not to cancel by text or a phone call. So there could be a multitude of reasons, maybe one forgot, the next one felt bad about not meeting you, but couldn't bring themselves to tell you they weren't interested. And the other was just a jerk. It could be that the friend thought it was Dutch date, and couldn't swing it due to finances. Do woman do this, yes, l believe they do. But you can't internalize this as your issue. If this continues to happen like 20 more times, then l would start asking for feedback? Men do get a lot of rejection from woman but often it's for reasons they are unaware of. For myself, l am not interested, however l have very kindly declined offers of interest, and l have gone through the guy continuously showing up at workplace until l finally told him - no, it's not happening. The other guy who asked me out several times, was very upset with me. So next time, maybe just meet at a coffee place, to see if there is any interest. That is less pressure, and gives you and the object d'interest a chance to chat. Just an idea. And if they stand you up, you may meet someone at the coffe place. Good luck, sometimes we just go through a lot of rejection in life, it happens to woman too.

 

[1ForAll]

Man, I hate it. It’s awful. You’re not alone and makes you question yourself or hate yourself, at least I do. It makes you wish women can see the good in you, but they don’t always take the time to.

Don’t give up, man. Keep fighting. Keep putting yourself out there. Eventually, some woman is bound to appreciate the good about you, your awesome self.

Your better off without the ones who did that to you and deserve someone who will follow through.

Nice support. However, we cannot assume the op is a guy. Women can reject females too.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Nice support. However, we cannot assume the op is a guy. Women can reject females too.

Right. My bad.

 

[Aspychata]

My second bad.

 

[VictorR]

Try not to take it personally - it might not have anything to do with you.

In some places, like my current town, accepting social invitations but making a late cancellation or no-showing can be a social norm, as regrettable as it is.

Last year I signed up for a Christmas social where I was the only person who showed up. Even the organizer bailed out. So I kind of understand how it feels to be let down when you were looking forward to something.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Try not to take it personally - it might not have anything to do with you.

In some places, like my current town, accepting social invitations but making a late cancellation or no-showing can be a social norm, as regrettable as it is.

Last year I signed up for a Christmas social where I was the only person who showed up. Even the organizer bailed out. So I kind of understand how it feels to be let down when you were looking forward to something.

Is it fair to say that if rejection happens once in a while, but not always, to not take it personally, but if it almost always happens to take it personally?

 

[VictorR]

Is it fair to say that if rejection happens once in a while, but not always, to not take it personally, but if it almost always happens to take it personally?

That's not what I said at all.

 

[Judge]

Is it fair to say that if rejection happens once in a while, but not always, to not take it personally, but if it almost always happens to take it personally?

If you are truly rejected 100% of the time, it would be more beneficial to surmise that you are doing something wrong and need to adjust accordingly. And to rationalize that there's nothing beneficial about taking anything personally. It need not be a "knee-jerk reaction" on your part.

Otherwise you risk projecting such negativity to others who may pick up on it. You don't want to become a "self-fulfilled prophecy".

 

[BewilderedPerson]

If you are truly rejected 100% of the time, it would be more beneficial to surmise that you are doing something wrong and need to adjust accordingly. And to rationalize that there's nothing beneficial about taking anything personally. It need not be a "knee-jerk reaction" on your part.

Otherwise you risk projecting such negativity to others who may pick up on it. You don't want to become a "self-fulfilled prophecy".

I wouldn’t say 100% of the time, just awfully close to it, or women maybe just don’t understand a man and don’t always take the time to get to know a man or appreciate the good in him.

Are we doing anything wrong, or they just not understand us?

 

[Judge]

Are we doing anything wrong, or they just not understand us?

Don't look too hard for rational answers when it comes to socialization. After all, it's not a simple or conditional process. Where circumstances may go well beyond considerations of whether or not we are doing anything wrong, let alone whether or not we are understood.

Chemistry for instance, one of those intangible things which cannot be so easily described, yet may be a "deal-breaker" to another person in terms of how they do or don't relate to us.

When social chemistry just isn't right or compatible, IMO there's no point in blaming ourselves. Though being in this community for many years has taught me how many of us on the spectrum tend to be conditional thinkers. Which sadly doesn't help our socialization issues.

That our "black and white" mindsets sometimes ignore those 256 shades of grey in socialization, apart from so many "unwritten rules of engagement".

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Don't look too hard for rational answers when it comes to socialization. After all, it's not a simple or conditional process. Where circumstances may go well beyond considerations of whether or not we are doing anything wrong, let alone whether or not we are understood.

Chemistry for instance, one of those intangible things which cannot be so easily described, yet may be a "deal-breaker" to another person in terms of how they do or don't relate to us.

When social chemistry just isn't right or compatible, IMO there's no point in blaming ourselves.

It’s hard to tell what does and doesn’t make good chemistry or connection.

If relationships were governed by something rational and more by logic, I feel some might have better luck.

 

[Judge]

It’s hard to tell what does and doesn’t make good chemistry or connection.

If relationships were governed by something relational and more by logic, I feel some might have better luck.

Exactly. That whatever it involves, NTs seem to fare better more often than not in comparison.

It's where our sense of logic is not necessarily an asset as it can be in other cases.