Rejection is killing me

[GoldenWanderer]

So I'm 19 and I've never really been in a relationship before. That's not to say that I haven't tried. It seems like all the girls I like never end up liking me no matter what I do and this is hurting my confidence and just my general emotional wellness. I'm frustrated with getting turned down all the time. I've also dealt with really bad self-esteem issues which I am just now starting to get over but constantly being shot down is not helping.

I tried reading PUA stuff and that didn't work so I just stopped doing that so I went to my father and he suggested to just start off by saying "Hi" but the girls don't even like that. I'll either get a weird look or no response or both. I've been told not to seek it out and let it come, but I can't help. When I want something, I normally try harder to get it. I'm so freaking tired of this. It has gotten to the point where I've become somewhat of a defeatist and just expect to get turned down because it has happened to me so much.

I'm 22 years old, and I live in a highly religious culture, of which the active members seem to get married by 22 years old (if not younger). All my friends have always had relationships, but I have also never been in a relationship. I've noticed many people on here haven't. Quite frankly, that scares the hell out of me.

I've always though girls weren't into me, because they never vocally said "I like you" or something along those lines. Aspies are very logical, typically, and not able to understand things being implied (or at least in my life). I take things very literally. I look back now and remember girls talking to me, but I was so scared, not confident, and self conscious that I convinced myself no girl wanted anything to do with me. I've lived in this torment my whole life. Either the girl didn't live up to my insanely logical and black & white standards/point of view or she didn't want anything to do with me, or so I thought. Only a month ago did I tell a friend of mine I want a relationship. He was stunned. He replied, "I thought you hated the idea of being in a relationship." I realized that despite my want, need, and burning desire to be with a girl who understood me, I'm unable to keep up mentally when trying to decipher all the things she is implying. My point being, I'm a weird guy, but my friends who have stayed friends with me seem to like me and all say I'm very likeable as a person. From these experienced, I formulate my hypothesis that girls did like me in high school, but I couldn't (and still struggle to) read between the lines and understand they were flirting with me. I have high standards as well, and I refuse to give up on them.

The last three years were especially rough for me. I come from an extremely Mormon culture, though I'm not Mormon. As I said above, my friends are all married, which makes it harder. When I learned about being an aspie, it was a relief to have an explanation of my dating troubles, and I've found my self much more at ease. I still crave the "love" NTs describe, and though I fear I'll never experience it how they do, I've found an odd faith that I'll find someone one day.

I once read that those on the autistic spectrum often never date until they meet someone, who they often go onto marry or spend their life with. That we take longer to find someone because we are more thorough in how we go about finding the right one. The one we can actually trust and "understands" us. I don't know if it's true or where I read it, but based on my experience interacting with others and my over-analyzation of my friend's and family's relationships, I believe that I have a solid grasp on relationships, how they succeed and fail, and that one day, I'll find someone and experience my own definition of "love". It's a mental game for me. I don't feel many emotions as NTs describe, but I feel them in my own way. It's kind of like a bad advantage in that I may feel left out, but I think being an aspie is ultimately a positive thing. I don't want to think like NTs think, and that very thought process of mine is what makes me believe one day I'll experience something I may not even be able to grasp right now. I hope so. I try not to think about it much or I spiral, panic, and eventually melt down, but despite the day to day hell, i know that I'll get out what I put in.

I'll end this saying this last thing. I hate talking to new people and girls I'm attracted to because of the anxiety and pain I experience. Sometimes though, I force myself to do it. I break down after, but I'm better for it. I purposely make a fool out of myself at times just to experiment the emotional outcomes of others. It's taught me how to blend in more and though I'm still not comfortable approaching anyone, I'm closer to doing it than I was in high school, last year, or even yesterday. Life's hard, especially when you experience pain from the lack of relationships in life, but nothing's impossible. It might be harder for me, as an aspie, to date, but this forum has made me believe one day, I'll find someone.
I hope this helps you in some way or form, my friend, and good luck. If you ever want to talk to someone a similar age with similar experiences, feel free to reach out and message me.

 

[JamesBon92007]

I've always though girls weren't into me, because they never vocally said "I like you" or something along those lines. Aspies are very logical, typically, and not able to understand things being implied (or at least in my life). in high school, but I couldn't (and still struggle to) read between the lines and understand they were flirting with me. I have high standards as well, and I refuse to give up on them..

That's not just the Asperger's, it's being a man. Women do all sorts of subtle things to indicate interest and it simply goes right over our heads. Then they reject us because we didn't act upon what is so incredibly obvious to them and incomprehensible to us. As I have gotten older (you could even say "old") I am able to detect a lot more of these than when I was younger but IMHO any man that says he understands women is lying or joking. Usually joking.

For me, if a woman makes very clear, easy to understand advances then I am at a complete loss. This reaction, in my case, very well could be the Asperger's. You'd think the opposite would be true. It just goes against everything that I thought I understood about women which makes it illogical.

 

[Maelstrom]

Don't be obvious about your interest in girls - give them a chance to decide if they are interested in you first. Otherwise the girl can feel chased or suffocated - she may choose to create distance even before giving you a chance. And if girls look at you weird when you say "hi" - that's because often times they can tell when you are interested in them or trying to get to know them for the possibility of dating - some are flattered, others just want to get out of that situation because they are uncomfortable.

I keep messing up on that...mostly because I can't do two things at once very well...so either I over focus on the girl or end up losing her because I ignored her too much.
Lose her either way! Sigh!

I wish I knew how to ignore a lady the perfect amount!

It might be easier if they lived near me and I just payed them attention when they came to visit or something, but I haven't figured out how to find aspies locally.
What I really need is a nice aspie from my church but our dating sites do not permit that sort of search.
I could take an add out in a church magazine but am scared of that blowing up in my face...(aspie wife wanted), it may attract too much attention to me.

 

[JamesBon92007]

What I really need is a nice aspie from my church but our dating sites do not permit that sort of search.
I could take an add out in a church magazine but am scared of that blowing up in my face...(aspie wife wanted), it may attract too much attention to me.

Some of the "Christian" dating sites have very bad reputations of misusing and selling personal information so if you should consider that route I suggest doing it with caution. I joined a regular dating site and now get tons of pornographic spam and was involved in a class-action law suit against the dating site. Supposedly they sold my email address.

Aside from that I suspect that there probably are religion-based dating sites where you could search in a particular area. No doubt there are people preying on what they consider to be vulnerable people so, once again, exercise caution. Personally I like to use a "disposable" email address for such things. I have one that I use on any site that I suspect might send me spam.

 

[Maelstrom]

Some of the "Christian" dating sites have very bad reputations of misusing and selling personal information so if you should consider that route I suggest doing it with caution. I joined a regular dating site and now get tons of pornographic spam and was involved in a class-action law suit against the dating site. Supposedly they sold my email address.

Aside from that I suspect that there probably are religion-based dating sites where you could search in a particular area. No doubt there are people preying on what they consider to be vulnerable people so, once again, exercise caution. Personally I like to use a "disposable" email address for such things. I have one that I use on any site that I suspect might send me spam.

Yes it is a mess out there!
Okay Cupid and Christian mingle seemed the best on Ladies actually being there but I never was brave enough to sign up for any!
Most of my church sites use the pay us $$$ for names model to bleed you dry like a leach...a pox on their houses. They damage our church trying to make money, we lose tons of members due to mixed marriages...the church should have a free clean dating site for members only...no outside sleazebag one night stand Trolls allowed.
I hate those guys they ruin everything for the rest of us guys...run off all the ladies with their evil games.

 

[JamesBon92007]

I began using Facebook when the Spambots took over the chat rooms. Before that there was a Yahoo! chat room called "Pets and Animals" that I frequented and got to know many people in, from all around the world. I know of at least four couples who met in that chatroom, some of which traveled halfway around the world to meet. Someone told me that Facebook was the new, updated way to meet people with similar interests but when I tried it I was unable to grasp how it worked or what it could have to do with meeting people. If I sent someone a message I could never find their response, if there was one. Ultimately I noticed that many people would put all of their personal information on Facebook and then wonder why their identity had been stolen.

Before Yahoo! chat there was IRC and I met some of the same people in Yahoo! after IRC fell by the wayside. I did meet two people from Pets and Animals on Facebook but that was only because one of my Daughters also knew them and told me what their new user name was.

Recently I discovered that there does not appear to be a way to close a Facebook account. I followed all of the instructions and received a verification email saying my account was closed but I still have an active account. Fortunately I did not use my real name.

 

[Maelstrom]

I began using Facebook when the Spambots took over the chat rooms. Before that there was a Yahoo! chat room called "Pets and Animals" that I frequented and got to know many people in, from all around the world. I know of at least four couples who met in that chatroom, some of which traveled halfway around the world to meet. Someone told me that Facebook was the new, updated way to meet people with similar interests but when I tried it I was unable to grasp how it worked or what it could have to do with meeting people. If I sent someone a message I could never find their response, if there was one. Ultimately I noticed that many people would put all of their personal information on Facebook and then wonder why their identity had been stolen.

Before Yahoo! chat there was IRC and I met some of the same people in Yahoo! after IRC fell by the wayside. I did meet two people from Pets and Animals on Facebook but that was only because one of my Daughters also knew them and told me what their new user name was.

Recently I discovered that there does not appear to be a way to close a Facebook account. I followed all of the instructions and received a verification email saying my account was closed but I still have an active account. Fortunately I did not use my real name.

Yeah! social sites love to inflate their membership with dead profiles...another dirty trick with guys is to Honeytrap them with pretty fake profiles if they seem headed for the door.
You get like 3 messages from the Hot lady and then back to nothing again...they figure they can keep you for another month or two waiting for your dream lady to never write back!
Some cute Rockstars or their band managers were doing that to me as well...tags mean nothing if they never actually write to you as a real person...just more song posting bait!
I find ladies who never will skype are basically the same, it is not real...just intertainment.

 

[Alaska]

So I'm 19 and I've never really been in a relationship before. That's not to say that I haven't tried. It seems like all the girls I like never end up liking me no matter what I do and this is hurting my confidence and just my general emotional wellness. I'm frustrated with getting turned down all the time. I've also dealt with really bad self-esteem issues which I am just now starting to get over but constantly being shot down is not helping.

I tried reading PUA stuff and that didn't work so I just stopped doing that so I went to my father and he suggested to just start off by saying "Hi" but the girls don't even like that. I'll either get a weird look or no response or both. I've been told not to seek it out and let it come, but I can't help. When I want something, I normally try harder to get it. I'm so freaking tired of this. It has gotten to the point where I've become somewhat of a defeatist and just expect to get turned down because it has happened to me so much.

I expect that a lot of your frustration is caused because you have the typical Aspie problem with reading microexpressions. Learning to be able to tell if a woman is interested in you would probably cut down some rejection.

I wrote several blog posts on this site about microexpressions that will probably help you. The posts contain helpful links so you can learn and practice.

 

[Maelstrom]

I expect that a lot of your frustration is caused because you have the typical Aspie problem with reading microexpressions. Learning to be able to tell if a woman is interested in you would probably cut down some rejection.

I wrote several blog posts on this site about microexpressions that will probably help you. The posts contain helpful links so you can learn and practice.

Yes but mostly this is here with aspie ladies online...they like my company but...keep invoking the grey thing. I have been grey allot to but you can make it work if you try hard enough. I think it just takes longer for aspies to warm up romantically more close time is required for love feelings.
They do seem to miss me when I finally give up and move on tho???
Which just makes me feel even worse because I can't just ditch the new lady...that isn't nice!

 

[Bolletje]

Oh honey, you're 19, don't worry so hard. I know it hurts like hell now, but you're still growing up. For now, work on growing into the adult you want to become. Develop your interest. Be active. Work out. Take a class in something. Hone your social skills.

As cheesy as it sounds, get to know yourself better, and love yourself. In the wise words of RuPaul: "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

Desperation isn't attractive. I know you want to make things happen, but that's not how this works, sadly.

 

[nowwhat]

1. Desperation is repulsive. And it is obvious.

2. Get on about your life. Do your thing. Use your gifts and strengths to find your place in the world. Work. Act effect all around you. No woman wants to be with someone because he is needy. But if you grow as a person and begin making a life for yourself, someone might see something in you she likes.

 

[JamesBon92007]

Yeah! social sites love to inflate their membership with dead profiles...another dirty trick with guys is to Honeytrap them with pretty fake profiles if they seem headed for the door.
You get like 3 messages from the Hot lady and then back to nothing again...they figure they can keep you for another month or two waiting for your dream lady to never write back!
.

That exact thing happened to me when I first joined FB. I was wondering why all of these pretty, young women would be sending me messages. I didn't take them seriously and thought perhaps they were prostitutes or something.

 

[JamesBon92007]

1. Desperation is repulsive. And it is obvious.

2. Get on about your life. Do your thing. Use your gifts and strengths to find your place in the world. Work. Act effect all around you. No woman wants to be with someone because he is needy. But if you grow as a person and begin making a life for yourself, someone might see something in you she likes.

I never thought of myself as "needy" until I read this post. Perhaps I am confusing needy with needing someone. Is there a difference?

I was always a loner and comfortable living alone and able to take care of myself. But, no matter how happy I was and how well my life was going, I still didn't feel fulfilled without the right life partner. While I was dating I met a few women who seemed like they were ready to latch onto any man who didn't have any "major health issues" and by this they usually meant was still sexually capable. That was usually asked on the first date.

 

[nowwhat]

I never thought of myself as "needy" until I read this post. Perhaps I am confusing needy with needing someone. Is there a difference?

I was always a loner and comfortable living alone and able to take care of myself. But, no matter how happy I was and how well my life was going, I still didn't feel fulfilled without the right life partner. While I was dating I met a few women who seemed like they were ready to latch onto any man who didn't have any "major health issues" and by this they usually meant was still sexually capable. That was usually asked on the first date.

MY post was directed at the OP. I barely skimmed yours, to the extent I even saw them.

 

[Maelstrom]

That exact thing happened to me when I first joined FB. I was wondering why all of these pretty, young women would be sending me messages. I didn't take them seriously and thought perhaps they were prostitutes or something.

some are...

 

[JamesBon92007]

MY post was directed at the OP. I barely skimmed yours, to the extent I even saw them.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that it was directed at me. It just made me think.

I'm very new at this and perhaps being a bit overanxious and I'm learning so much so quickly that I might be getting a little ahead of myself. My girlfriend seems to think my interest in Asperger's is my new obsession. Imagine that!

 

[Ambi]

I keep messing up on that...mostly because I can't do two things at once very well...so either I over focus on the girl or end up losing her because I ignored her too much.
Lose her either way! Sigh!

I wish I knew how to ignore a lady the perfect amount!

It might be easier if they lived near me and I just payed them attention when they came to visit or something, but I haven't figured out how to find aspies locally.
What I really need is a nice aspie from my church but our dating sites do not permit that sort of search.
I could take an add out in a church magazine but am scared of that blowing up in my face...(aspie wife wanted), it may attract too much attention to me.

Ha....this makes me think of the one date I went out on via an online Christian dating site. It was so awkward, because the guy actually sat down across from me at the restaurant and proceeded to read an entire Christian tract/pamphlet to me out loud! Hopefully others have better experiences

 

[Maelstrom]

Ha....this makes me think of the one date I went out on via an online Christian dating site. It was so awkward, because the guy actually sat down across from me at the restaurant and proceeded to read an entire Christian tract/pamphlet to me out loud! Hopefully others have better experiences

That is terrible I can almost guess what church?, I got tag teamed by two ladies from a church!...conversion sweethearting!
Sigh! ...I don't think they ever understood how much my heart suffered.
All the expectation games are too much for me...I just want some one to enjoy my company and like me.

 

[Vanessa32]

I am 52 and have not been in a good relationship that has lasted long. I was married for a little more than 20 years,but it was not a good relationship. Part of the problem there was that I was trying to pass as a heterosexual man when I was meant to be a woman, with either a woman or a non binary person. Since I have gotten into my coming out as transgender process, I have had several relationships come and go quickly, not lasting for various reasons. So, I can really relate to romantic relationship troubles. Right now I am trying to focus less on that, but it is not easy due to the emphasis society puts on romantic and sexual relationships.

 

[JamesBon92007]

Unfortunately, being myself has not worked all that well in relationships. Thanks in a large part to the helpful information I've gotten here I have more awareness and tools to help keep my current relationship from becoming too stressful for my NT girlfriend.