Relating to children

[xudo]

So, I've said before how I am devoid of any maternal instinct and I do not know how to relate to kids until they're able to talk reasonably well (probably also doesn't help that I can't do imaginative play). Two of my sister's in law just has babies, and we're going to see one of them later today.

She knows pretty much that I won't really want to hold the baby, because honestly I just don't get it. Yes, you had a baby but why would I want to hold it? I don't act "normally" around babies and young children, in the sense that I see other people cooing and talking to them and I'm like...why? They don't understand you and it has no purpose. (I understand that talking to babies is how they learn to talk and it's like bonding but as one of many Aunts it really serves no purpose as a newborn.)

I feel quite uncomfortable in situations where there are a lot of people oohing and ahhing over babies because I am aware of how I don't act in the 'expected' way. I can only talk to anyone (no matter the age) as if they are an adult - yet I can talk to animals like as if they understand me

Does anyone else share this, or have any suggestions? We're going to 'meet' this baby as it's 'the done thing' and everyone else in the family has been to see them already. Better to get it done now than have to see both the babies for the first time at Christmas.

 

[tree]

"...any suggestions?"

Yes.
Consider the entity known as "baby" as a small animal.

Stop focusing on how other people are acting and reacting to the creature.

If you are comfortable with non-human infants, there really is no reason
you can't extend the same sensitivity to the life forms called "baby," aside
from the fact that they aren't furry, finned, feathery, or reptilian.

 

[OkRad]

OMgosh kids love me. I am like a kid, have that thing where I kind of stopped at 14 (but I don't look 14) so they just love me! I love kids, too, but when they start to get all screamy, well EARPLUGS!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

So is it not so much the baby, but the expectations pf how you feel they feel you should respond tomthe baby?

Bite the bullet.

Go in like hitler, let me hold it first, get it done, oh its a bit of a heavy one.. ill let someone else take her.... my arms still a bit sore from last week... (insert plausible arm lie here) fade into background.

Big anxiety things, get in there first often works.

Although my example was abseiling not babies.

Tempted to be creative with the reaons you hurt your arm,but i shall desist..

 

[Bolletje]

I talk to babies like I would to a cat. That way I'm able to interact with them at all.

 

[xudo]

If you are comfortable with non-human infants, there really is no reason
you can't extend the same sensitivity to the life forms called "baby," aside
from the fact that they aren't furry, finned, feathery, or reptilian.

I talk to babies like I would to a cat. That way I'm able to interact with them at all.

Thank you both, I think maybe imagining that babies are animals may be the way forward

 

[kay]

All I can do around a baby is maybe try to tell it about Watergate or something. Babies scare me. No idea what all the fuss is about.

 

[Mia]

Always have an emotional reaction to babies, usually I cry. Like babies, and they like me usually. Will often make the same noises they make back to them. And I can usually tell if the way they are crying is for attention, diaper change, hunger, or they are sick or hurt. Did a lot of babysitting as a teen, and looked after my youngest sibling as an infant. Have more difficulty understanding two year olds than babies.

 

[Bolletje]

All I can do around a baby is maybe try to tell it about Watergate or something.

I like to ask babies about their opinion on current events. Or explain my dissertation to them. Of course, their responses are usually underwhelming.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I like to ask babies about their opinion on current events. Or explain my dissertation to them. Of course, their responses are usually underwhelming.

Perhaps a forthright baby view on ' trump'

 

[Katleya]

I talk to babies like I would to a cat. That way I'm able to interact with them at all.

I was about to suggest using the tone you'd use for a cat (or a dog, just don't ask the baby to fetch, if they can't crawl, it'd too early for fetch).
Along with that, I guess you could also maybe try and tell the sisters-in-laws that you're not comfortable with holding their babies, if you feel they wouldn't be too offended. Maybe they wouldn't flip out if you did?

 

[Ambi]

I have learned to fake it a bit - but I don't stick around for long, thankfully. I second @Katleya in using the tone you'd use for a pet (if you want to fake it). I have found a way to sort of appreciate babies - not in holding them, but that's some kind of tribal ritual - rejecting someone's baby is a big deal, so holding it is some kind of really important thing when handed one. But the way I appreciate them is philosophically - just appreciating that it is a new human being. That's it. And I try to engage the baby really not for my own fun, but out of charity for the baby - all of that helps them feel loved and helps them learn. I wish that I had received love, acceptance, and interaction as a child - so I wish that on the baby, and I try to do my little part.

 

[xudo]

I like to ask babies about their opinion on current events. Or explain my dissertation to them. Of course, their responses are usually underwhelming.

This is basically me. My 8 year old niece will ask me questions and I will explain it to her as if she was also 31. I get a lot of confused looks. The last time I was around a baby, my sister in law was holding it and it stared at me. I said "I don't know why you're staring at me."

I guess you could also maybe try and tell the sisters-in-laws that you're not comfortable with holding their babies, if you feel they wouldn't be too offended. Maybe they wouldn't flip out if you did?

I know that one of them would definitely not be offended, but the other one I'm not sure.

I second @Katleya in using the tone you'd use for a pet (if you want to fake it).

I think this is what I will try. We didn't end up going yesterday, as I was waiting for a boiler engineer who never showed up and then it was too late. We are going over this evening.

 

[Gracey]

If you're holding baby and it's squirming or starting to cry, say "Oh you want your mum" and hand baby back.

Baby holding basics are:

Support the head and spine with hand and forearm. Neck muscle development non existent. Can't support it's own.

If family focus is on you holding baby and starting to feel uncomfortable, redirect focus to mum and partner asking questions about hospital, delivery suite, weight at birth, how mum feels and is she well? Names and registration, christening/baptism? God parents if applicable?
Questions (non invasive) about the experience and immediate future.
Doesn't matter whether or not you're interested, just a redirection technique. (Taking the focus from you holding baby)

Good luck.

 

[xudo]

So, we went and met our new niece. I held the baby, and it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. Thanks for all your suggestions - I tried to sort of act like I would with a pet and asked questions about the birth and everything and then said my arms were tired when I had had enough I think it helped that she was asleep and there weren't many people there. They took a photo, and only I could manage to have this exact expression on my face while holding a baby

 

[Ambi]

Related story: my husband just said, "Want to see something cute?" and showed me a pic of his friend's new baby. I couldn't muster the fakeness - I just don't find babies to be cute at all. They just look odd to me. So without the energy to be fake, I just looked appraised it a little, then said I liked her bunny slippers. Yes, that makes me seem cold to some/many people - but sleeping babies just look dull/boring to me. Not because I am casting some kind of judgement on them - but simply because that's just how they look to me. It is very strange that I can look at sleeping animals and have a totally different reaction - but then, I can't relate to the many people who have zero cuteness reaction to animals.

 

[Sid Delicious]

This made me laugh! I have a similar issue with babies/kids. I actually love hanging out with children (in a non creepy way), as they are brutally honest and haven't been corrupted by society yet. So you can have some brilliant discussions with them. They also share my energy levels and are happy to investigate everything around them, so I can switch into professor mode and actually use my brain in a social setting for once. I love seeing their eyes light up when they discover something new.

Babies... meh. I have nothing against them and I'm incredibly protective around any small creatures, babies included. But very young babies can't do much and I'm never sure what to say to new mothers other than 'well done'. Around babies, my brain just switches into 'destroy anything that looks dangerous' mode, which I think is what's left of my maternal instinct. So I'm just very on edge around babies, since they are entirely defenceless, and it gets tiring fast.

Two of my cousins had new tiny people this year and although I did the required amount of celebrating, holding them, gifts, etc, I'm secretly looking forward to 6-12 months in the future when they will be more responsive and I can start communicating with them properly. Fortunately, my family knows how I work and I'll redeem myself later on!

"I can't relate to the many people who have zero cuteness reaction to animals." - No, that is just abnormal and weird! How can you not react to this?:

Edit 1: I think I might have a more positive reaction to babies if they were covered in fur. I like baby monkeys.

Edit 2: After further consideration, I'm wondering if my reaction to babies is due to the fact that human gestational periods are shorter than other creatures in relation to functional ability and my brain is simply telling me that the creature isn't fully formed yet and should still be inside their mother growing. That's my crazy theory and I'm sticking to it!

 

[xudo]

They just look odd to me. So without the energy to be fake, I just looked appraised it a little, then said I liked her bunny slippers. Yes, that makes me seem cold to some/many people - but sleeping babies just look dull/boring to me

They all look pretty much the same to me. People are saying things about the two new babies like "oh they're so cute" or "she looks so much like her sister" and I'm like...they look like every baby I've ever seen and nothing like the 8 year old. I'm not sure if maybe they're just saying stuff that they don't actually believe though, just because its the sort of thing you're supposed to say.

 

[Gritches]

I am terrified of babies. The best I can do when I have to bite the bullet is talk to it like a dog. Still anxiety-provoking though, I don't know what the deal is, a baby should be pretty much the most non-threatening thing on Earth.

 

[Streetwise]

They all look pretty much the same to me. People are saying things about the two new babies like "oh they're so cute" or "she looks so much like her sister" and I'm like...they look like every baby I've ever seen and nothing like the 8 year old. I'm not sure if maybe they're just saying stuff that they don't actually believe though, just because its the sort of thing you're supposed to say.

Congratulations my family wouldn't even have contacted me i've never been interested in children
Children represent death to me In as much as I don't react to them in the typical maternal female way,in the past 20 years all I do is try to be socially acceptable .