Relating to children

[Ambi]

I am terrified of babies. The best I can do when I have to bite the bullet is talk to it like a dog. Still anxiety-provoking though, I don't know what the deal is, a baby should be pretty much the most non-threatening thing on Earth.

When they scream and cry.....it's like an audio assault bomb attack. And they hurt you sometimes by pulling on things they shouldn't, they slobber on you, their diapers can leak on you.....there is still a small green stain from my friend's baby's puke on my nice sun hat.

 

[pjcnet]

If the baby is still a newborn and is a white baby then the chances are it will look a lot like Winston Churchill whether it's a boy or a girl, but it's probably not a good idea to say this even if it does lol! Yes, I've never been one to truly understand the "would you like to hold him/her?" thing either and I usually stay as far back as possible in these situations, but I suppose being male I'm less likely to relate to it. I'm the same person who when in my early 20s was the only person to refuse to kiss the bride at a wedding lol! (I know it's not the thing to refuse now I'm even older). So in short I'm not great in various social situations and I tend to avoid them if possible.

There are some fascinating facts about new born babies however, one is how the mother produces more milk when she hears her baby crying for food, another is a baby automatically holds it's breath under water and instinctively swims (I wouldn't put it to be test though lol), here's one more, when a mother and baby are close and looking at one another in the eyes their heart rate coordinates in seconds, this is a very strange one, could there be a psychic link or is there a more rational explination?

 

[Joel's Hear]

"...any suggestions?"

Yes.
Consider the entity known as "baby" as a small animal.

Stop focusing on how other people are acting and reacting to the creature.

If you are comfortable with non-human infants, there really is no reason
you can't extend the same sensitivity to the life forms called "baby," aside
from the fact that they aren't furry, finned, feathery, or reptilian.

I really liked what you said but can't like it. My device is having trouble in that the like, creative, optimistic etc. icons don't show up. Neither do people's avatars. On my other device they both work.

 

[fairy_girl]

Babies freak me out because I am always afraid that I'll accidentally crush it with my grip and the amount of pressure to actually communicate with the baby is very hard on my anxiety with the new mother looking at you cautiously like you'll come unglued and attack her baby. The last time I talked with a baby one-on-one the whole room (where we were staying to visit the mother) got quiet to hear me and it was very difficult to get my words out properly just to remember what I wanted to tell it.

I'd rather visit them when they are done with potty training or at least at the age where they don't scream every five seconds for nothing. Kids enjoy my company since we have alot in common but once they are around 7 to 8 years old then they want nothing to do with me. I have learned not to give them anything electronic or any DVDs because I will never get them back at all.

 

[Pariah Dog]

I don't have much experience with babies. But kids (who are old enough to talk and interact with) seem to be very drawn to me. I also interact with them as if they are something closer to a peer rather than how an adult typically interacts with young kids. I have some friends who have 5 kids aged 4-15. The kids clearly don't think of me as an adult but more like an older peer or something. It probably helps that I look younger than I am. To play on this further I call the kid's grandparents "grandma and grandpa" as if I am on their same level.

I also don't talk to animals in the way most people talk to animal. Women usually talk to animals in some sort of baby talk. I think men typically talk to animals in a way they might talk to a human toddler. Me? Again I will talk to them in a way that is something closer to a peer. Not an equal, maybe a young child, but then I don't talk to a young child in the way most do.

Animals have a very high affinity toward me usually. With the incredible levels of perception they often have, I sometimes wonder if they understand that I am not talking down to them in the way most people seem to and think of me differently for it.

 

[xudo]

but I suppose being male I'm less likely to relate to it.

Being male you're also less likely to be expected to hold it or want to hold it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Being male you're also less likely to be expected to hold it or want to hold it.

Avoid women and men who say do you want to hold it

 

[clg114]

I am the parent of five, three boys and two girls. I have seen most all of it, both good and bad. I have been pooped on, peed on and puked on, it is all part of being a parent. My wife and I have thirteen grand children and two great-grandchildren, so we are used to being around babies. I like kids and like being around them. The only thing that bothers me about kids is when the little girls scream. It startles me and my first thought is that someone is hurt. The boys do not do that and it is easy to tell when they are hurt.

 

[MaybeNotWhoKnows]

So, I've said before how I am devoid of any maternal instinct and I do not know how to relate to kids until they're able to talk reasonably well (probably also doesn't help that I can't do imaginative play). Two of my sister's in law just has babies, and we're going to see one of them later today.

She knows pretty much that I won't really want to hold the baby, because honestly I just don't get it. Yes, you had a baby but why would I want to hold it? I don't act "normally" around babies and young children, in the sense that I see other people cooing and talking to them and I'm like...why? They don't understand you and it has no purpose. (I understand that talking to babies is how they learn to talk and it's like bonding but as one of many Aunts it really serves no purpose as a newborn.)

I feel quite uncomfortable in situations where there are a lot of people oohing and ahhing over babies because I am aware of how I don't act in the 'expected' way. I can only talk to anyone (no matter the age) as if they are an adult - yet I can talk to animals like as if they understand me

Does anyone else share this, or have any suggestions? We're going to 'meet' this baby as it's 'the done thing' and everyone else in the family has been to see them already. Better to get it done now than have to see both the babies for the first time at Christmas.

I think that feeling uncomfortable when you don't act the "expected" way is pretty common around here, just some situations bring it out more than others. I happen to be the opposite way: great with kids but endlessly awkward with adults. But if you are uncomfortable holding or gushing over the baby, then politely decline to if offered. That is all you really can do. Is there any way you can engage with your family in ways that express that they are important to you and someday hopefully these babies will too, without forcing yourself to speak nonsense at the infants?

 

[xudo]

I think that feeling uncomfortable when you don't act the "expected" way is pretty common around here, just some situations bring it out more than others. I happen to be the opposite way: great with kids but endlessly awkward with adults. But if you are uncomfortable holding or gushing over the baby, then politely decline to if offered. That is all you really can do. Is there any way you can engage with your family in ways that express that they are important to you and someday hopefully these babies will too, without forcing yourself to speak nonsense at the infants?

I held the baby, and used the suggestions here to make it less awkward. The babies are important to me, as they are family. I've never had a problem with that, just interacting with them.

 

[Kalinychta]

I really like babies. They’re cute, and they smell good. But I also like them because I don’t have to converse with them. No trying to think of things to say, no awkward autistic awkwardness. They coo and gurgle and writhe around and squall, but that’s about it. They’re easy to be around.

 

[Gracey]

Babies are immensely fascinating.
I like to understand how things work.

Dividing and replicating cells produced this little mass of chemical reactions all wrapped up neatly in an appealing package.
It has to be appealing in some way to trigger a bone deep reaction which ensures the survival of one's own genes.
facial features, smell, interaction.

I'm less invested in the survival of the offspring unrelated to me but know enough to 'play by the rules'

Watching the development of new born to infant, infant to baby, baby to toddler etc holds me captive.

Observing pre programmed skills come in to being and offering opportunity to help them practise.

Very young babies cry because they have no other distress sound to offer (yet)
It isn't personal, in a manner of speaking
and is nothing to fear.

They're communicating an internal state with the tools they've been given.
The younger the infant, the less complex the desire.
Neural pathways for states such as boredom not connected up yet.

I could go on and on (and on) but I wont.

I'm captivated by the developmental stages, the skills and abilities of babies,
rather than cuddling and cooing.

I do know the cuddling and cooing is of great importance so will offer that too but it's the development that holds my interest.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I do know the cuddling and cooing is of great importance so will offer that too but it's the development that holds my interest.

Maybe think about writing a lot of this down. It's more interesting, to external sources, than you think.

 

[Juliettaa]

Little children repulse me, my brother tried sticking his filthy fingers in my mouth, I threatened him next time he does it, he will lose a finger... I hate the little brats, and will get a vasectomy in the future.

Dear me, that's extreme! Not the vasectomy comment, but the threats of losing a finger and hating 'little brats'.

Perhaps safer to just avoid children whenever possible.

 

[Gracey]

Little children repulse me, my brother tried sticking his filthy fingers in my mouth, I threatened him next time he does it, he will lose a finger... I hate the little brats, and will get a vasectomy in the future.

They're a bit like marmite.
(Not the fingers, children in general)
Not to everyones' taste

Your brother may only need reminding of some personal boundaries?

They have to learn that stuff.
They're not born with that understanding already downloaded.
It's an interactive, hands-on kind of learning.
Moving mouths can be fascinating to the very young.

Granted, your brother will learn very quickly the first (and last) time he ever puts his fingers near your mouth

There are alternative methods,
Keep your mouth out of reach?
A firm "No"?
redirection of brother's interest?

I absolutely get it.
Nobody sticks their fingers in my mouth; other than my dentist, and he's wearing gloves I've just watched him take from the box they're packaged in.

The transference of germs via hands and fingers is phenomenal.
Your immune system is equally as phenomenal but not the case in point here.

Make biting your brothers fingers the very last thing you do.
It's messy and will bring about a lifetimes worth of hassle. The consequences could be pretty dire

Try other methods to help him learn, first.
If you're stuck for ideas, message me

 

[Rasputin]

I have a similar aversion to holding babies or relating to small children, and have always been that way. After children are older I am okay. Is this common with Asperger's?

Also, I apologize for the illogical question. I was ignorant of Asperger's and Autism in general until a year ago, and I am a 61 year old male with Aspergers or high functioning autism.

 

[Gracey]

Well, I do appreciate the advice, it seems more smart than the approach I would usually take... but I will go for the vasectomy, regardless. can't cope with it.

understood
it's absolutely your personal choice and your own decision to make