Relating to others

[sakirkist]

I can empathize with people but not with mass situations that seem far removed from my personal life (Sept 11, Katrina, tsunami).

Not sure if I "relate" to folks but one of my obsessions is studying people and figuring out what makes them tick, and I'm good at customer service jobs as I've been doing them for years. It surprised me when I took an assessment test for a job and the interviewer told me I failed the people skills portion. This was before I suspected AS in myself. I still got the job tho. But I guess it's true, because I have a hard time making and keeping friends...

 

[The Penguin]

No one is interesting to me, most everyone I meet seems like a carbon copy of everybody else

What I call them are zombies

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I find it very difficult to relate to people but when I find something relateable I will focus on it 100% often pushing people away. It is really hard for me especially with people my own age or younger (I am 29). For instance a girl I am friends with on facebook (because she sells a product I like) has a son who was recently diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. Everyone was telling her how sorry they were and that they were in the prayers etc etc. I instead asked where he was at on the spectrum. I thought maybe I could help her understand her son but instead I insulted her because I was not concerned enough about his diagnosis.

In the book, Loud Hands: Autistic people, speaking, chapter one talks about what's wrong with parents who treat their kids as a problem. "Non-autistic people see autism as a great tragedy...what they're really saying is 'I wish the autistic child I have did not exist, and I had a different child instead...'" and they struggle with the problem that the relationship isn't going to work the way Hallmark says it's going to.

You focused--as I might have once--on the data. Mom is focused on her grief: she's "lost" a child and is stuck with a changeling. Mom has to realize that the child will relate to her, but on his own terms, not Mom's expectations. I'll paraphrase some more: "It isn't about autism, it's about shattered expectations...the best pace to address these issues is not in organizations devoted to autism, but in parental bereavement groups...because their hope of a specific kind of parent experience is gone, but taking out their grief on the child that remains is the new problem." pp. 18-19.

Care for the grief, and when she can stand it, maybe seeing what verbally capable autistic people have to say for themselves about their parents and their experience will help.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

So I am newly diagnosed with AS, and there is something I'm wondering about. It seems to be very common for people with AS to have issues relating to others, in fact, it seems like everyone has problems with it. Is this true? Because I don't. I am considered amongst my (NT) friends to be a very kind, understanding person, who always listens, tries to help, and care deeply about them, and I always try to see things from their perspective and often their problems also hurt me deeply.

I also have this experience. My friends, both NT and aspie, describe a person I don't recognize. One of my previous bosses called this "vampire chi"--the inability to see myself through his eyes--a thing he regretted for both of us. I only heard what my confirmation bias about myself let me hear, and while I know I undervalue myself, I can never tell in a given situation that I"m undervaluing myself.

Autism is more closely connected to hyperempathy than lack of empathy. Some findings suggest we retreat because our sensory issues aren't just with the five physical senses, but with emotional ones as well.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi Aimee

I am very interested with your post and so many thanks for asking. First, because you are a confirmed ie officially Aspie and feel this way, helps me, who is unofficial and just happens to have a great deal of empathy, but also a great deal of coldness towards others suffering!

I can easily place myself in another shoes and even cry and feel that I am crying with empathy, but I have to admit now that many times, I know that is how I am supposed to react and so subconsciously react to the situation. I can even feel the hurt they are feeling and even wish I could do something to take their hurt away, but there are many times, I am sort of looking on at me and thinking: why is she crying and look at how her face is when she is crying, which is such an uncomfortable feeling, for I honestly want to feel a genuine emotion but because I can feel that genuine emotion, I recognise when I am putting on a show for the other's benefit

 

[Amee]

Hi Aimee

I am very interested with your post and so many thanks for asking. First, because you are a confirmed ie officially Aspie and feel this way, helps me, who is unofficial and just happens to have a great deal of empathy, but also a great deal of coldness towards others suffering!

I can easily place myself in another shoes and even cry and feel that I am crying with empathy, but I have to admit now that many times, I know that is how I am supposed to react and so subconsciously react to the situation. I can even feel the hurt they are feeling and even wish I could do something to take their hurt away, but there are many times, I am sort of looking on at me and thinking: why is she crying and look at how her face is when she is crying, which is such an uncomfortable feeling, for I honestly want to feel a genuine emotion but because I can feel that genuine emotion, I recognise when I am putting on a show for the other's benefit

This definitely raised some interesting topics in my mind. I wonder if my reactions are as real as I thought or if they are learnt behaviors. I think it might be mixed as you said. I have to give this some more time to think upon!

 

[Suzanne]

I have to give this some more time to think upon!

That is exactly what I usually say Amee ie that I have to give this some more time to think? It is like my brain can be on slow motion even when I am simply asked: how are you?