Relationships with men with bad mothers

[Sabrina]

I’ve had a variety of relationships:

-The teenage boyfriend
-The husband
-The virtual man-friend.

They are incredibly smart, handsome, kind and exciting. But they all had an awful relationship with their mothers while growing up.

I feel like they are all the same guy, and that I have to stop the pattern.
But I don’t know how. The heart does not choose who to love.

But I have to try. At least, I have to stay away from guys that had bad mothers (I don’t want to offend anyone, but I’ve given up; the rest of the women can have them, I’ve already had my share).

When I got too close, they feared that I would hurt them (as their mothers did). So it was easier for them to either become cold and distanced, and/or move on to the next woman, with whom they were not close, hence, they felt they could control the relationship and not get hurt.

I will like to hear your comments and experiences on this, specially on how to break the pattern. I know I have to change.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Wow very insightful Sabrina.

 

[WereBear]

Seeing the pattern is a big step forward. Now to see more patterns.

What did they have in common, looking back, that might have been appealing at the time but now is a tipoff to the trouble ahead?

And equally as important might be signs that they have both a “mother problem” AND signs they have not gotten over it. It might be this combination that lays the trap for you?

I have a tendency where “my heart goes out to the wounded” but I learned to find out when they were just takers instead of a potential partner.

 

[LucyPurrs]

I think Werebear has some good points but sometimes it's hard if you are emotionally centered (as opposed to intellectually centered) to resist the emotional connection you feel with someone even if your head is waving red flags. I know I've struggled with this a lot. I worry that by the time you've figured out that someone's got mother problems and hasn't gotten over it, it may be too late for your heart. Don't know.
I have a soft spot for pain- I feel it keenly in others and this sometimes gets me into trouble. But I don't feel like anyone has taken advantage of me because I give what I give (emotional or material) because I want to and not because I feel obligated to. And if I loved the person to whom I gave something then I don't feel regret later because I gave it out of true feelings. If that makes any sense.

 

[Sabrina]

Seeing the pattern is a big step forward. Now to see more patterns.

What did they have in common, looking back, that might have been appealing at the time but now is a tipoff to the trouble ahead?

And equally as important might be signs that they have both a “mother problem” AND signs they have not gotten over it. It might be this combination that lays the trap for you?

I have a tendency where “my heart goes out to the wounded” but I learned to find out when they were just takers instead of a potential partner.

Another thing in common: they made me feel important and needed.

Signs that they had problems and that they had gotten over it: they all, sooner or later, said their mothers treated them badly or neglected them. Always, I underestimated the issue, thinking that it could be solved,or that it was solved, or that it didn’t affect our relationship.
I don’t underestimate it any more.

Also, that they are exciting, different. It’s like I can’t be attracted to a guy that it’s boring. It’s like being 16 instead of 43.

 

[Gritches]

I don't know if it would help coming from the other side, but I sort of had the male version of this problem: consistently attracting women who had no relationship with their father. Each and every one seemed to have a very specific and particular notion of what I should be, down to the last detail. It tells me they've spent some time imagining their ideal father figure. Inevitably, I can't live out their fantasy for them, and things go south fast.

The common thread I found in every relationship was the way in which it started. I didn't initiate a single one of them; they came to me eagerly. Almost as if searching. Searching for their fantasized ideal male, discarding those who don't fit the bill, and moving on. Thing is, I just figured "okay, she wants me. That sure was convenient and zero-hassle."

I only realized this when I myself initiated a relationship with a woman who had a healthy, loving relationship with both her parents. That was my only healthy relationship and a real eye-opener to what had been going wrong, as defined above.

Maybe your guys are searching for their ideal mother figure, but start to see the mother figure that's actually drilled into their heads as you get closer.

Of course, this is assuming I'm just perfect. I'm not. I'm actually the kind of guy who had a bad relationship with his mother. So maybe I can tell you what goes on in relationships from my side. There is not a damn thing I like about my mother. In fact, I hate so much of everything she is, when I start to see overlapping traits my feelings end up resembling my feelings towards my mother. As far as Oedipal complexes go, it should be a good thing if you remind a guy of his mother, but not in this type of case.

 

[Katleya]

I wonder, among Aspie men with mother issues, how many had either:
- An NT mother,
- A mother on the spectrum,
- Or a narcissistic mother.

I feel like a rift between an NT or narcissistic mother's emotional expectations and an Aspie son's abilities might set them up for more difficulties than, possibly, if mother and son had a similar approach (also, I'm not equating NTs to narcissists, I was merely placing them side by side for the sake of comparison).
But that's just a theory, and perhaps it doesn't hold at all.

It's definitely a topic where male input would come handy, @Gritches already made a few points worth reflecting upon, and I'm sure other members could help with additional insight.

I also feel it's got to do with shields and barriers that are set up overtime as protection; while female Aspies seem to be more likely to pile on masks to pass for NT, maybe some males just shield themselves from everything in order not to be hurt some more, including shielding themselves from being loved? And then would kind of push back when the relationship makes them feel vulnerable, or feel like they will need to show feelings that they may not be willing/ready to show? Maybe then cutting ties would seem like an easier option than letting their guard down, accepting there's love to give and take, but it means accepting a certain degree of vulnerability.
Again, theorizing. I'm no psychologist.

 

[Sabrina]

In fact, I hate so much of everything she is, when I start to see overlapping traits my feelings end up resembling my feelings towards my mother.

Exactly that’s what I presume always happens.

The thing is, I did have a good relationship with my father (or so I thought). I adored him, had him in a pedestal. But last year I realized that I loved him more than he loved me (same goes with my mother). He has a favorite daughter that it’s not me, and when that reality sank in, along with the reality that my mom doesn’t exactly adore me, I decided to keep distance in order to not continuing to allow myself to be stepped on.

In all three cases they were the ones starting the contact, and I followed through, but probably, too eagerly.

 

[Sabrina]

I wonder, among Aspie men with mother issues, how many had either:
- An NT mother,
- A mother on the spectrum,
- Or a narcissistic mother.

I feel like a rift between an NT or narcissistic mother's emotional expectations and an Aspie son's abilities might set them up for more difficulties than, possibly, if mother and son had a similar approach (also, I'm not equating NTs to narcissists, I was merely placing them side by side for the sake of comparison).
But that's just a theory, and perhaps it doesn't hold at all.

It's definitely a topic where male input would come handy, @Gritches already made a few points worth reflecting upon, and I'm sure other members could help with additional insight.

I also feel it's got to do with shields and barriers that are set up overtime as protection; while female Aspies seem to be more likely to pile on masks to pass for NT, maybe some males just shield themselves from everything in order not to be hurt some more, including shielding themselves from being loved? And then would kind of push back when the relationship makes them feel vulnerable, or feel like they will need to show feelings that they may not be willing/ready to show? Maybe then cutting ties would seem like an easier option than letting their guard down, accepting there's love to give and take, but it means accepting a certain degree of vulnerability.
Again, theorizing. I'm no psychologist.

I know this: one of the mothers was probably aspie (an obsessed psychologist whose field of research was autism); the other one was agoraphobic and probably narcissist; the other one bipolar.

In my opinion, it’s yes to all your questions. For some people, love equals suffering (due to trauma), so they instinctly run away from it.

 

[Katleya]

For some people, love equals suffering (due to trauma), so they instinctly run away from it.

You know what's scarier than love? Losing it.
The fear of how much it would hurt to lose something that meant a lot can make some people prefer to avoid it altogether, rather than risk that pain. I don't know if the people who choose this protective strategy understand that they are also hurting the people who care for them.

At any rate, it's an attitude that breaks my heart every time I see it in someone, but it seems fairly common among our people.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

feel like a rift between an NT or narcissistic mother's emotional expectations and an Aspie son's abilities might set them up for more difficulties than, possibly, if mother and son had a similar approach

Me. Meaning narcissist mother, not necessarily more difficulties.
Links to confidence, being consistently undermined and shown up i front of others by someone playing some sort of game.

female Aspies seem to be more likely to pile on masks to pass for NT, maybe some males just shield themselves from everything in order not to be hurt some more, including shielding themselves from being loved?

Me. Avoiding pain, very shielded from being loved, agressive manner verbally for protection.

their guard down, accepting there's love to give and take, but it means ac

Mother dead, lots ofthe worse things in my past now seem irrelevant.

A lot of working through pain and learning to feel.
All about appreciating the other persons position.
All about genuinely being able to be sorry.
Sometimes slow to pick up on it,its all about learning and trying,
With will from both sides.

So I'm buying into your insight @Katleya
Must be a first

I don't believe I now have an issue with my mother - I may be wrong.
But new issues can be created as you go forward in relationships..

For me, it would be hard to tell if I was reading it right.

As the relationship can always bring issues from both sides.

It would be more about creating rules to avoid doubtful men.
As a man - easy for me - not interested.

Your heart may go for who it goes for but,as we get older,with more insight, our heart changes.

Not really much help but just stepping in to say moving past mother issues can be possible.
Evidence of pain undertaken and progress required first - before getting involved.

 

[Katleya]

It's interesting you mention narcissistic mother,

I'm under the impression that if anyone got a start in life where the person they're supposed to be able to trust and receive unconditional love from is actually a manipulative person that revolves around themselves and is impossible to please, it's bound to be the perfect breeding ground for trust issues, low self-esteem and a greater need for shields than in other vulnerable categories of people. Bonus points for a child who grew up autistic with such parents.
But maybe I'm overly simplifying things, I don't know.

I kind of had someone (not a member of this forum) in mind, an Aspie guy with a very likely narcissistic mother, who needs an incredible amount of love and attention, but is absolutely unable to accept receiving it, making relationships one bumpy road.

Now, on to read your post, @Sportster, thank you for the link!

 

[Theta.G]

I think if there was a common trait among them that you must absolutely avoid going forward it wouldn't have much to do with them having bad moms. Can't do anything about that. You said they all feel like the same guy... and as you have posted, similar traits. If you can explore deeper on why that is. Personalities? their social approach? How they treat you?
Look into *how* you get to know these guys. Like do they talk to you first and turn on the charm, and do you fall for the same spheel out of liking the familiar? Is it a slow build up or fast? Try and pin point when you fell for them.

Once you identify it then you can consciously fight it when you see it happening again.

My thing was faces. If she had a beautifully structured face i would be smitten. Of course, i thought they would different... they were beautiful but all liars, mentally dull and slutty lol but now i can at least spot this behavior and consciously stop it.. The scary thing? All Gemini's. Don't believe in horoscopes but thought it was interesting. Majority were outgoing and social. And this is the key right here. BECAUSE i was reserved, conservative and shy around women i like. Could only "break the barrier" with the outgoing social type. That's what kept the repetitive cycle going.

If i wanted to date an introvert then i had to become that outgoing, daring type. Summon the courage if even just for the first 2 weeks, to get past those awkward first meets.

Further explore yourself and the commonalities with past lovers. You may have to change some things about yourself if you want to attract a new type. Even though you provided some good details only you know the intricacies the best. I have faith that you'll find what you're looking for

good luck!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

More :

All men have issues with their mother to either a lesser or greater degree.

It may become an issue in all relationships.

So will it be the mother issue that becomes a problem?

Or will it be the attitude and lack of flexibility in thought that means issues always remain issues?
And it may be that a relationship has to begin before issues manifest
As it is the creation of two people.

Im thinking more about arguments... how they resolve that.
Is there a one upmanship thing going on, do they try to win..
Are you listened to?

I tend to say.. it doesnt matter as long as one of us is right...
Meaning we're on the same side ultimately.

Stopping here, not sure Im quite hitting the mark.

 

[Sabrina]

Your heart may go for who it goes for but,as we get older,with more insight, our heart changes.

I hope so.

Evidence of pain undertaken and progress required first - before getting involved.

I want to highlight that. But how do you know when are you getting involved? I don’t know.

 

[Sabrina]

The scary thing? All Gemini's.

I don’t see a pattern, but maybe someone with more knowledge could tell me if there is or if
there isn’t: Cancer, Taurus, Gemini

ke do they talk to you first and turn on the charm, and do you fall for the same spheel out of liking the familiar? Is it a slow build up or fast?

Yes, and I’d say it’s fast.

You may have to change some things about yourself if you want to attract a new type.

Yes! I know, although I’m not sure of what that is.

 

[Sabrina]

Are you listened to?

I was, and suddenly, I wasn’t anymore. As if there were and invisible line that I had crossed.

 

[LucyPurrs]

With my guy I don't know if he's ever felt loved. He has said he doesn't really understand love because of his family issue(bad relationship with mother). So I may be in for the same as you Sabrina. My problem? I want to make up for all the love he didn't get, know that's impossible but still want to. And don't know yet if that's what he wants. Sheesh, I'm headed for trouble no doubt, but you know what? I treasure emotional intimacy which we have and I'm willing to risk getting hurt. But if he burns me I'll probably never trust anyone again so hopefully he's Aspie and truthful!!!!

 

[Fitzo]

@Sabrina in my opinion your pattern of falling for the same guy over and over has less to do with their parents and more to do with yours.

I have a narcissist mother and like you I never fall for the 'nice guy'. They just don't light my fire.
I don't know what it is about growing up in a disfunctional family that attracts you to this type of men exactly, but I think possibly you are unconsciously trying to 'fix' something in your own life. Or you think you can 'fix' them maybe.

One thing I do know is that men with personality disorders have some kind of radar that detects women who will fall for their 'charm'.

Before I realized my mother was a narcissist, I used to wonder what it was about me that attracted these guys. Now I know that I have been so conditioned to that chaotic, narcissistic behavior that it has become 'normalized' in my mind. I don't usually tell people this, because people wouldn't believe me, but I have had relationships with two sociopaths, a borderline PD and at least one narcissist possibly more. And I am a smart, strong, independent woman, who is usually pretty savvy in most situations. But where these guys are concerned I seem to have a complete blind spot! AND I now know that this is quite common in the survivors of narcissist families!

I wish I could tell you how I conquered my attraction to all these 'wrong' men, but the truth is, even knowing all of the above I'm still drawn to Mr Wrong like a moth to a flame!

So I've given up!

Being Aspie as well as a magnet for toxic men is just a recipe for a life of chaos and misery.

I just want peace in my life. It may not be exciting but it beats the roller coaster of my past.

 

[Sabrina]

@Sabrina in my opinion your pattern of falling for the same guy over and over has less to do with their parents and more to do with yours.

I have a narcissist mother and like you I never fall for the 'nice guy'. They just don't light my fire.
I don't know what it is about growing up in a disfunctional family that attracts you to this type of men exactly, but I think possibly you are unconsciously trying to 'fix' something in your own life. Or you think you can 'fix' them maybe.

One thing I do know is that men with personality disorders have some kind of radar that detects women who will fall for their 'charm'.

Before I realized my mother was a narcissist, I used to wonder what it was about me that attracted these guys. Now I know that I have been so conditioned to that chaotic, narcissistic behavior that it has become 'normalized' in my mind. I don't usually tell people this, because people wouldn't believe me, but I have had relationships with two sociopaths, a borderline PD and at least one narcissist possibly more. And I am a smart, strong, independent woman, who is usually pretty savvy in most situations. But where these guys are concerned I seem to have a complete blind spot! AND I now know that this is quite common in the survivors of narcissist families!

I wish I could tell you how I conquered my attraction to all these 'wrong' men, but the truth is, even knowing all of the above I'm still drawn to Mr Wrong like a moth to a flame!

So I've given up!

Being Aspie as well as a magnet for toxic men is just a recipe for a life of chaos and misery.

I just want peace in my life. It may not be exciting but it beats the roller coaster of my past.

Yes, I am the daughter of two narcissistic parents.
My therapist was the one who pointed out that, well, I was choosing from a difficult crowd. But how do I order my self to feel? How am I suppose to have some rationality on how, and towards whom, I fall in love to?
I’m being rethoric...