Relationships with men with bad mothers

[Crossbreed]

He wanted a woman he could control or constantly argue with, mentioning his exes in that regard and when I refused by forgiving him and continually trying to make things work, he left.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Everything that you described about him can happen with a woman toward a man, too. That is why I was so cautious when it came to romantic relationships.

I expected my wife to be my BFF (both in and out of the sack) while still maintaining lesser relationships.

 

[Sabrina]

Good bye my Peter Pan, with love, your Mary Poppins | Asperger's & Autism Forum

 

[Sabrina]

I expected my wife to be my BFF (both in and out of the sack) while still maintaining lesser relationships.

Thank you for the clarity and simplicity of this statement.

 

[CyborgSpaceKitten]

My past two partners have had crappy mothers. (my ex husband and my current boyfriend), but they both reacted to the situation differently. My ex husband basically took the victim route and expected me to mother him through everything and take care of him, while my current boyfriend is very independent because he didn't have his mother to rely on. My boyfriend takes pride in being able to do things for himself and take care of himself, while my ex just wants sympathy, and excessive help with everything for someone his age. He wouldn't do dishes, or clean, or do his laundry, and he'd always blame something stupid for it, or just say that he didn't have a mother to teach him how to take care of himself. I think that there are good guys that have mom issues, but maybe you're just finding the crappy ones unfortunately. I hope that you can find someone that treats you like you deserve to be treated.

 

[Crossbreed]

Another way to check if bf is too good to be true is to deliberately catalog his flaws along with his good points. Real people have flaws including those people that we draw closer to, male or female. The reason that we still count them as friends is that we don't consider their revealed flaws to be over-the-top deal-breakers. Authentic people always have recurring, visible flaws.

I did this when I was courting my wife.

 

[Sabrina]

@Sabrina in my opinion your pattern of falling for the same guy over and over has less to do with their parents and more to do with yours.

I have a narcissist mother and like you I never fall for the 'nice guy'. They just don't light my fire.
I don't know what it is about growing up in a disfunctional family that attracts you to this type of men exactly, but I think possibly you are unconsciously trying to 'fix' something in your own life. Or you think you can 'fix' them maybe.

One thing I do know is that men with personality disorders have some kind of radar that detects women who will fall for their 'charm'.

Before I realized my mother was a narcissist, I used to wonder what it was about me that attracted these guys. Now I know that I have been so conditioned to that chaotic, narcissistic behavior that it has become 'normalized' in my mind. I don't usually tell people this, because people wouldn't believe me, but I have had relationships with two sociopaths, a borderline PD and at least one narcissist possibly more. And I am a smart, strong, independent woman, who is usually pretty savvy in most situations. But where these guys are concerned I seem to have a complete blind spot! AND I now know that this is quite common in the survivors of narcissist families!

I wish I could tell you how I conquered my attraction to all these 'wrong' men, but the truth is, even knowing all of the above I'm still drawn to Mr Wrong like a moth to a flame!

So I've given up!

Being Aspie as well as a magnet for toxic men is just a recipe for a life of chaos and misery.

I just want peace in my life. It may not be exciting but it beats the roller coaster of my past.

Changing how a man looks good on my paper | Asperger's & Autism Forum

 

[Fitzo]

Changing how a man looks good on my paper | Asperger's & Autism Forum

Perhaps one of the ways to avoid repeating the past might be to focus on yourself rather than the next man in your life.

If you become stronger, more independent, more self fulfilled, you might find the shiny hook looks different to what it has in the past. Or maybe you'll pass it by without a second glance!

You can do it!

 

[WereBear]

I found a whole column that might be helpful on this subject:

There’s a poem by Marilyn Hacker called “She Bitches About Boys” with the line: “Women love a sick child or a healthy animal; A man who is both itches them like an incubus.”

Reader Question #4: My friend is dating someone terrible, or, Secrets of The Darth Vader Boyfriend.

 

[OneAnneOli]

When I got too close, they feared that I would hurt them (as their mothers did). So it was easier for them to either become cold and distanced, and/or move on to the next woman, with whom they were not close, hence, they felt they could control the relationship and not get hurt.

I now have discovered I have the same pattern Sabrina. I like the chase.. I am usually over-looked by most attractive men but, I am also clever and funny so I catch their attention when they least expect it.. But with me, I like learning about their pain and why and who they are today. I wouldn't go so far and say I like men with "baggage" but I feel like if I had met someone with healthy parents and picture perfect childhood, I would be extremely intimated and not pursue them at all.

I'm under the impression that if anyone got a start in life where the person they're supposed to be able to trust and receive unconditional love from is actually a manipulative person that revolves around themselves and is impossible to please, it's bound to be the perfect breeding ground for trust issues, low self-esteem and a greater need for shields than in other vulnerable categories of people. Bonus points for a child who grew up autistic with such parents.

My mother is like this and I have never met my father. I grew up adoring my mother to then "becoming an adult" and now my childhood trauma is resurfacing because I had stuffed it down for so long.. and kept secret for so long.
I have never been diagnosed but my mother sent to many many places to try and "figure out what was wrong with me"
I identify closely with Aspergers..

 

[WereBear]

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

 

[OneAnneOli]

I’ve had a variety of relationships:

-The teenage boyfriend
-The husband
-The virtual man-friend.

They are incredibly smart, handsome, kind and exciting. But they all had an awful relationship with their mothers while growing up.

I feel like they are all the same guy, and that I have to stop the pattern.
But I don’t know how. The heart does not choose who to love.

I don't know you Sabrina, but happy birthday. and I was thinking about this "post" (idk what to call it) last night and I thought of this song..