Responding to my cousin's diagnosis (vent)

[Lauran]

TW: discrimination

My families are mostly in the spectrum (and I suspect I'm auDHD and dysparaxic, too).

Today, one of my cousins got her autism diagnosis and announced that in the family group. I responded to that really positive, I said that she would finally be able to know herself better.

My positive response infuriated my Mom. She said that it's inappropriate to make a positive response to her diagnosis. She makes me delete my messages and force me to type another message to show her "my sorry" about her diagnosis. I deleted my message, but I refused to type that kind of message.

She's raging and scolds me (yeah, she's very tempramental) : "You're driving me mad! You need to show your simpathy! She's your family!"

When I try to explain to her that it's not something to feel sorry about and my cousins doing just fine, and I also remind her that I'm probably in the spectrum. She responds to me with:

"Don't you dare say that! Autism is a deformity, and I don't want to hear you say that ever again!"

It's so bad that I barely breathe when she's saying that. I rush into my room as my body starts to tremble.

 

[Rodafina]

That sounds really tough, @Lauran. I'm sorry that you have to endure this. I can only hope that over time, your mother can become more accepting, but it sounds like you may have to be the one to teach her. It seems like you do have other autistic people in your family, and hopefully you can look to them for support and understanding. Maybe you can find a way to spend some time with your cousin without your mother intervening in what you say to her.

I think your original comment to your cousin shows optimism and understanding. What happens if you simply tell your mom, "No, I'm not going to delete it?"

 

[Lauran]

That sounds really tough, @Lauran. I'm sorry that you have to endure this. I can only hope that over time, your mother can become more accepting, but it sounds like you may have to be the one to teach her. It seems like you do have other autistic people in your family, and can look to them for support and understanding. Maybe you can find a way to spend some time with your cousin without your mother intervening in what you say to her.

I think your original comment to your cousin shows optimism and understanding. What happens if you simply tell your mom, "No, I'm not going to delete it?"

I've already taught her about neurodivergent to her several times, but she doesn't seem to believe me, especially because my uncle is an autistic with high support needs and she always see that as a 'bad thing'.

And about my message, I deleted that because I saw this argument coming, and I'm very sensitive to argument, so I don't want to hurt myself. I really don't expect my Mom to force me to send that kind of message.

But, I just deleted my message in my family group, I still reached out to my cousin in private messages so that my mom couldn't see it.

 

[Rodafina]

I think it's great that you didn't give in to the pressure to post a message offering sympathy when that is not what you were feeling. It's really good to have some boundaries and not be totally controlled by your mother's feelings. I understand wanting to do anything to avoid an argument. I am very sensitive to arguments as well.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

TW: discrimination

My families are mostly in the spectrum (and I suspect I'm auDHD and dysparaxic, too).

Today, one of my cousins got her autism diagnosis and announced that in the family group. I responded to that really positive, I said that she would finally be able to know herself better.

My positive response infuriated my Mom. She said that it's inappropriate to make a positive response to her diagnosis. She makes me delete my messages and force me to type another message to show her "my sorry" about her diagnosis. I deleted my message, but I refused to type that kind of message.

She's raging and scolds me (yeah, she's very tempramental) : "You're driving me mad! You need to show your simpathy! She's your family!"

When I try to explain to her that it's not something to feel sorry about and my cousins doing just fine, and I also remind her that I'm probably in the spectrum. She responds to me with:

"Don't you dare say that! Autism is a deformity, and I don't want to hear you say that ever again!"

It's so bad that I barely breathe when she's saying that. I rush into my room as my body starts to tremble.

Well, you are dealing with an older generation that only knew autism as a debilitating, childhood condition. I grew up that way. The media, when it did cover the topic, only showed examples of these poor kids in psych hospitals or the "tragedy" of what it does to families. It was all quite negative.

Perspective.

That said, once that cognitive bias has been established in her, your facts, your rationality, will be rejected. If the topic is broached again, better off just shutting your mouth around her because it will be a trigger for another outburst. It will be difficult, I guarantee it. Just walk away.

My family rejected my diagnosis. I don't have contact with them any more, and I am totally OK with it. A lot less stress in my life.

The other lesson is that you now know and appreciate is when to use private messaging vs. saying things out in the open where she can see it and comment.

 

[Lauran]

Well, you are dealing with an older generation that only knew autism as a debilitating, childhood condition. I grew up that way. The media, when it did cover the topic, only showed examples of these poor kids in psych hospitals or the "tragedy" of what it does to families. It was all quite negative.

Perspective.

That said, once that cognitive bias has been established in her, your facts, your rationality, will be rejected. If the topic is broached again, better off just shutting your mouth around her because it will be a trigger for another outburst. It will be difficult, I guarantee it. Just walk away.

My family rejected my diagnosis. I don't have contact with them any more, and I am totally OK with it. A lot less stress in my life.

The other lesson is that you now know and appreciate is when to use private messaging vs. saying things out in the open where she can see it and comment.

It's must be really hard to deal with being autistic at that time. I'm glad that you aren't influenced by your family's paradigm and can be yourself freely.

And yeah, I learned my lesson today.

 

[Judge]

Tragic when even those closest to you will not understand, defaulting to a flawed mentality that being different is somehow automatically condemned to being deficient. When even those within your closest social orbit can misunderstand right off, creating a negative environment to have to contend with.

Forcing so many of us to opt to keeping our autism on a "need-to-know" basis only.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I'm sorry you were treated that way. My dad acts strangely about autism as well. Today for example, pointing at his head as though to say crazy and saying something like "his problems " instead" of "autism" or "aspergers" or something like that while discussing something about the character Matthew on The Chosen.

 

[Judge]

I'm sorry you were treated that way. My dad acts strangely about autism as well. Today for example, pointing at his head as though to say crazy and saying something like "his problems " instead" of "autism" or "aspergers" or something like that while discussing something about the character Matthew on The Chosen.

Consider the entire medical establishment of France, up until recent times. A system that seemed to unilaterally treat autism as a behavioral disorder and little else. Leaving most of the population to follow suit accordingly.

And that I suspect that this sort of prejudice still exists on a broad scale across the globe, relative to how sophisticated or not a medical infrastructure may be.

Though at much "closer range", there is another dynamic at work. The notion of NT parents of autistic children who simply choose to believe "NOT MY CHILD!" As if it reflected poorly on them socially and pathologically. When they fall back on their own ego rather than consider what may best for their own children. I think this happens a lot.

Sometimes I wonder how many parents out there look at their child as just another "Boo Radley".

7 Reasons Boo Radley Is Misunderstood -To Kill A Mockingbird

 

[FayetheAspie]

As who?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Consider the entire medical establishment of France, up until recent times. A system that seemed to unilaterally treat autism as a behavioral disorder and little else. Leaving most of the population to follow suit accordingly.

And that I suspect that this sort of prejudice still exists on a broad scale across the globe, relative to how sophisticated or not a medical infrastructure may be.

Though at much "closer range", there is another dynamic at work. The notion of NT parents of autistic children who simply choose to believe "NOT MY CHILD!" As if it reflected poorly on them socially and pathologically. When they fall back on their own ego rather than consider what may best for their own children. I think this happens a lot.

Sometimes I wonder how many parents out there look at their child as just another "Boo Radley".

7 Reasons Boo Radley Is Misunderstood -To Kill A Mockingbird

An article from 2018: 'France is 50 years behind': the 'state scandal' of French autism treatment

Autism in France - Wikipedia

Then the stigma of being an "autism parent": Families Face Autism Stigma, Isolation

My mother prided herself on how "perfect" her children were. Even us kids would call her out on her claims. "Oh, you kids were so good at....", "I never had any problems with any of you." Meanwhile, we (myself and my 3 siblings) would look at her like she was absolutely bonkers. Tell that to the 4 broken wood paddles, the dozen or so broken yard sticks, your bare hands, and the razor strap that still hangs behind the closet door. They've got some stories to tell. Why did I get physically punished by you when we were at home, and then punished again when dad came home from work a few hours later,...for the same thing? Probably because, as kids, we never were allowed to speak up in the house to tell dad you already slapped and beat the crap out of us already. Why did you sit and allow dad to haul our butts upstairs for yet another beating when you already did it? Yeah, autism was not on anyone's radar back then. I was just a bad kid. Oh, but wait, you just said we were perfect, so complete rejection of the autism diagnosis because (1) that would be way too embarrassing, (2) you would have to admit that I wasn't a perfect kid, and (3) you were repeatedly beating me for my autistic traits. We can't have guilt and shame in this house. Wow! Welcome to the 1970's and '80's. Whoops, too much baggage there. Sorry.

 

[Aspychata]

My mom has come around , and even mentions some of her over concentration on a task. But her first response was no way l could have any autism. Sorry you felt so disrespected by your mom. You may hit a few more walls with her, so try to limit what you tell her.

 

[Xinyta]

When I try to explain to her that it's not something to feel sorry about and my cousins doing just fine, and I also remind her that I'm probably in the spectrum. She responds to me with:

"Don't you dare say that! Autism is a deformity, and I don't want to hear you say that ever again!"

This is my response to your mom:

I honestly do not know what 'deformity' she thinks Autism causes. But it's not like Down Syndrome or the like.

I feel for you. Living with a mother who is grossly misinformed about ASD. But she is human, like us all.

You are brave to stand up to her and not apologize to you cousin. ASD is not something to be ashamed of, nor needs to be apologized for. It's like apologizing for being good at something. Which is dumb as heck.

Take a deep breath and be the best @Lauran you can be.

 

[Nervous Rex]

But, I just deleted my message in my family group, I still reached out to my cousin in private messages so that my mom couldn't see it.

I think that's the right approach in this case.

Good for you for reaching out! It seems like there's always an adjustment period after a diagnosis - it takes time to accept and internalize it. Your cousin is lucky to have you to support her through it.

 

[Lauran]

This is my response to your mom:

I honestly do not know what 'deformity' she thinks Autism causes. But it's not like Down Syndrome or the like.

I feel for you. Living with a mother who is grossly misinformed about ASD. But she is human, like us all.

You are brave to stand up to her and not apologize to you cousin. ASD is not something to be ashamed of, nor needs to be apologized for. It's like apologizing for being good at something. Which is dumb as heck.

Take a deep breath and be the best @Lauran you can be.

Thank you