Sadness

[Drakanav]

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel sad. I’m having thoughts of killing myself. Everything is confusing. I still think that I’m not on the spectrum. I wonder if I’m faking it all. What if I’m just a hypochondriac? Feeling sad over such a stupid thing.

 

[the_tortoise]

Whether the cause of your difficulties/differences is autism or hypochondria or something else, they are still real. You deserve compassion and understanding no matter what the explanation is.

It sounds like you are also feeling bad about feeling sad....I wish you could give yourself permission to be sad and not judge your reasons as stupid. It's okay to be sad about anything.

I hope you stick around, and that you feel better soon.

 

[Drakanav]

Everyday I have thoughts about if I’m really on the spectrum. It’s taking ahold of me. I notice everything about my behaviors, and questioning them. Then I’m thinking what if all of it is a lie. What if the stimming is a fake? I guess I don’t notice my social mistakes because I stay quiet.

I even created an entire list of my traits to make sure I don’t have doubts. But I still think I’m not autistic enough (?). This wave of sadness hits. What would’ve happen if my mom didn’t tell me I was on the spectrum in the first place? Would I be more confused?

 

[Streetwise]

 

[Judge]

Forms of depression are a common comorbid condition to Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Something to consider. Hang in there.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi there. I am not official, but know that I do have aspergers.

Something you said stood out to me. You never noticed your social inaptness, because of being quiet. I spent some year's like this. Confused, because sometimes there did not seem to be a problem and other times, it was a huge problem, but now it is a steady flow of a problem, to the extent I can no longer cope with socialising.

I can imagine how hard it is, you being a young teen and having all these battles to contend with.

We tend to over think and that is why, things become unreal to us. It is like when one says a word over and over, they tend to lose the meaning of the word.

I have always stimmed, but never knew what it was; a sense of: this is weird, but trying to shrug my shoulders and also, I find that when I am extremely happy, I tend to hug myself lol or in extreme emotional high, for some bizarre reason, my back pops.

I feel that the ones who are worried they are faking being on the spectrum, are the ones who are on the spectrum. I feel tons more confident that I am; but for a while, it was really embarrassing and I felt ridiculously complimented when another aspie would say: you are definitely on the spectrum! I mean: who wants to have aspergers? Well, the facts are, that all the issues come down to that and it suddenly makes one feel aha so I am not so crazy after all, I have aspergers!

You are having what is referred to in the psychiatrict world as a "death wish"; in other words, you are crying out for help; you do not want to take your life; you just want a bit of normality going on.

 

[SusanLR]

I've lived 50+ years without knowing anything about Aspergers until just a couple of years ago.
I knew I was always different to my peers growing up,
but that never bothered me.
I have had anxiety, panic attacks and depression since age 13.
I had no desire for the normal social activities of a teen
and made my life to suit me. I was home schooled during high school. It gave me a chance to do things I really wanted plus get the education I needed.
My big worry, due to the anxiety, was that I was just
crazy and that was it.

I became interested in psychology and studied in college
the subject along with medicine. I learned the term
'crazy' is just an over used word that really had no definitive meaning.
There are many types of psychiatric disorders and physiological reasons for each type.
I'm not talking about Aspergers or HFA or LFA.
Rather co-morbid conditions such as schizophrenia,
unipolar and bipolar depression. Reactive vs endogenous depression. OCD, dissociative disorder, etc.
All chemical based.
I have my own theories regarding autism. But, there
are a lot of those right now.

So not knowing about it growing up, I couldn't have faked it. What makes you think you would fake it?
Hypochondria is common with anxiety and depression.
And they are common with being on the spectrum.

Anything I am confused about I jump in and research regarding the subject. The more you learn, the more you will understand your ownself and the whys of the matter.
Hang in there and sort things out. Bless.

 

[Adora]

I’m sorry that you are going through this,as someone who is prone to depression aswell I hope things get better for you and as for your doubts of being on the spectrum depression and anxiety can be common commorbids that comes with being on the spectrum.

 

[Nitro]

https://www.autismforums.com/thread...evention-resources-call-for-submissions.9143/

 

[Lia]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It seems like it's very common for autistic people to have doubts, and I've dealt with it myself. For so long, the only kind of autism I knew was the narrow portrayal of it in the media, which I can't relate to at all. I definitely know the feeling of not being "autistic enough", and one thing that really helped me was watching female, autistic youtubers (Some of my favourite channels are: Anna Moomin, Invisible I, and Anja Melissa.) Maybe it will help you as well?

 

[Butterfly88]

 

[Drakanav]

Thank you for all the replies. I talked to my mom, and she set a appointment with my psychologist. I haven’t seen her in 4 years.

I guess if I was faking, I’d be doing a good job at that. I dwelled on my past, and thinking what was a trait. Thing is, I can’t really remember anything when I was younger. It was like I walked through a dream. I do know that I didn’t talk until I was 3. Didn’t respond to my name. I had a bunch of testing to figure out what was “wrong” with me. I even got tested for fragile x syndrome at age 6. I cried daily at home/school, and tried to run away from home. I got my ears pierced; I don’t remember why I wanted to, but I did. It bothered me because I play with my ear. I stim with my ear, but it requires for my earlobe to be cold. I also do hand wring in public. I pick at my skin; but I don’t know if that’s a stim, or just a habit.

I don’t know why I’m in such denial when there were traits there when I was just 1 years old. I went to speech therapy, special education until 4th grade. Teachers would literally put me beside someone to get me to socialize with them. I did make friends easily, and they helped me with group activities that I never would’ve done before. I was considered shy in 5th grade. Apparently some of my classmates didn’t like that, and each time when the teacher would call on me to read, they will go, “Oooo”, like they were expecting me to stutter and stumble. I finally got homeschooled. Mom told me I was on the spectrum at 12, because my autism became noticeable as I grew older because of demands(?).

I’m sorry for this long post. I never post anything this long. And it’s all disorganized, all over the place.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I’m sorry for this long post. I never post anything this long. And it’s all disorganized, all over the place.

I wish I could make a "no apologizing" rule here. You don't have to feel sorry for being you. Write what you need to write and people here will understand.

 

[Drakanav]

I don't know if I should do this, but this is the entire list I created to try to keep myself from doubts.

Spoiler

Social:
- Trouble starting and ending a conversation.
- Misreads/and or questions others' body language.
- Observe others' body language, see how they react in different situations.
- Trouble figuring out on how to react when someone is mad/sad. (Do I go up to them? What do I say? Comfort them?)
- Can misread sarcasm at times.
- Don't know what they said was a joke.
- Take things in literal sense.
- Honesty to another level.
- Eyes are jittery/glancing.
- Feeling tired/drained after social interaction.
- Don't know how to stand/put my hands/arms at. Awkward standing position.


Sensory/Seeking/Stimming/Discrimination:
- Loud/noises physically hurts ears.
- Sudden noises, and even sudden things in vision like butterflies/a leaf/a person, will cause panic.
- Hears everything separately.
- Heat intolerance.
- Dislikes rough clothing.
- Doesn't walk around the house without socks on because of particles on the floor, but yet, also those seams.
- Shaves legs because of sensory.
- Dislikes the smell of peppermint and cinnamon, too strong.
- *Throws bra into a incinerator.*
- Dislikes whole/chunks of tomatoes.
- Dislikes gritty food.
- Lights drain energy over time. Also becomes brighter over time.
- Dislikes water getting in eyes.
- Escalators are hard to get on and get off. Elevators makes body feel weird.
- Wakes up easily.
- Likes drinks that are hot in temperature.
- Likes bear hugs, but when overloaded, don't like to be touched.
- Likes 40 degree weather.
- Likes the smell of oranges.
- Folds earlobe into ear canal.
- Hand wrings.
- Shakes leg to fall asleep.
- Sits on foot.
- Spice is life.
- Picks at skin, scalp, back, fingernails, paint on walls.
- Can't sleep without a blanket.
- Hard time talking when there are noises.
- Speaks too loud when to be quiet, and too soft when need to be louder.
- Difficulty remembering and/or understanding what people are saying.



Rituals/Rules/Routines:
- Eats the same thing, made the same way, everyday.
- Puts rules on a object. (Coffee machine.)
- Can't do ___ until I do ___.
- Food can't be touching each other.
- Eats something in a certain way. Eat the peanuts first, then sunflower seeds, raisins from small to big, then M&M's; each color separately and evenly eaten.
- Counts calories. (Used to.)
- Don't eat after ___. Eat at this time. Only eat half of food. Can't go over ___ calorie limit. (Used to.)
- Isn't a control freak, but tells people how to do something correctly.
- Need to be informed of any changes to outings. Sudden changes will cause panic.


Comorbid Attributes/Other difficulties:
- Anxiety 24/7.
- Depression.
- Turns numbers around. 61-16, 73-37.
- Looks at the time, then looks back and see a whole different time. (Not to be confused with time going by fast. Happens within seconds. Brain confuses numbers?)
- Hears something completely different from what someone actually said.
- Knowing the numbers from multiplication, like 64,63,56,54 etc. but hard time knowing what times what will equal those numbers.
- Possible ADD?


Happy Things:
- Can hear things from far away. Trains, thunder.
- Remarkable eye for small details.
- Thinks in visual pictures.
- Can hear birds (Chickadees, Cardinals, Wren, Titmouse, Bluebird.) in my head when there are no birds around... In the middle of the night.
- Fact master.

 

[Tom]

I have met others that really struggled with doubts. 'Round and round they go, and where they stop...' well they never really stop and just keeping on going round and round obsessively.

With this, you have already taken probably the best step, that is getting a re-validation. Next I would do jack, that is nothing. Go in cold and just talk freely. I don't think making lists or studying traits is going to help at this point and might distort your self vision. Maybe the person you see might ask for something like that but let them prompt it and give an unbiased and uninfluenced analysis.

 

[Drakanav]

I'm waiting for a email response from the psychologist. Let's just hope it isn't going to take almost 6 months to get in, like it was last time.

 

[Mia]

@Drakanav Wow, you really are observant, I've copied the things that apply exactly to me. Thanks for organizing such a list.

- Observe others' body language, see how they react in different situations.
- Can misread sarcasm at times.
- Don't know what they said was a joke.
- Take things in literal sense.
- Honesty to another level.
- Feeling tired/drained after social interaction.
- Loud/noises physically hurts ears.
- Sudden noises, and even sudden things in vision like butterflies/a leaf/a person, will cause panic.
- Heat intolerance.
- Dislikes rough clothing.
- Doesn't walk around the house without socks on because of particles on the floor, but yet, also those seams.
- Wakes up easily.
- Likes drinks that are hot in temperature.
- Likes the smell of oranges.
- Hand wrings.
- Sits on foot.
- Hard time talking when there are noises.- Anxiety 24/7.
- Depression.
- Turns numbers around. 61-16, 73-37.

Happy things:
- Can hear things from far away. Trains, thunder.
- Remarkable eye for small details.

Some of my happy things:
-Can add up numbers in my memory for a long time, and keep a running total.
-I have a local friend who's a crow, who comes to see me most days, and makes cawing noises while staring at me from a distance. Helped him to survive last winter by throwing balls of meat onto a roof, all winter, because he couldn't fly very far. Eventually he was strong enough to fly back to his group.
-Animals usually like me, and many seem unafraid.

So many of the things you list are familiar to me, (I'm sitting on my foot right now And I don't think of them as anything other than part of me.

It might be hard accepting that you are autistic, for reasons known only to yourself. For me it explained pretty much everything. But it didn't change who I am, it made me understand myself more.

 

[Drakanav]

@Mia Thank you!

It might be hard accepting that you are autistic, for reasons known only to yourself. For me it explained pretty much everything. But it didn't change who I am, it made me understand myself more.

It helped me, too. But then I started to think, “I don’t rock back and forth, hand flap, twirl my hair, so I must not be on the spectrum.”. It seems like majority on the spectrum does those stims, so I started to doubt. (I don’t know what else to type!)

 

[Adora]

@Mia Thank you!



It helped me, too. But then I started to think, “I don’t rock back and forth, hand flap, twirl my hair, so I must not be on the spectrum.”. It seems like majority on the spectrum does those stims, so I started to doubt. (I don’t know what else to type!)

When I found out I was on the spectrum I also thought wait how can I be on the spectrum if I have empathy and I’m terrible at maths but now I know that was silly,my psychologist said that just because you are on the spectrum doesn’t mean you will have every single symptom,some will have certain symptoms but not so much others but that’s why it’s called a spectrum and every aspie still have their own personality.

 

[Drakanav]

When I found out I was on the spectrum I also thought wait how can I be on the spectrum if I have empathy and I’m terrible at maths but now I know that was silly,my psychologist said that just because you are on the spectrum doesn’t mean you will have every single symptom,some will have certain symptoms but not so much others but that’s why it’s called a spectrum and every aspie still have their own personality.

That’s true.

Everyone here is making me feel better about myself. Helping me realize on things. I’m like in a moment of bliss!