Sanctioned for Being Single or Alone

[Judge]

I was married for 15 years, now I'm alone, and very happy. I think the price of being single is well worth paying!!

Indeed. Such perspective can go both ways as well.

Achieving solitude without constantly stepping on anyone's toes does have its advantages too.

For me solitude is always somewhat more desirable than loneliness.

 

[FreeDiver]

Understood. A blessing if you can make it work in the long haul. Yet a curse for those who can't.

Nope...I don't think I'll make it to your age either.

It's not easy to be so alone for so long. But it is what it is.

Same issues of marriage apply to NT's as well. At least being an aspie make you more aware of the dangers associated with it.

 

[Judge]

Same issues of marriage apply to NT's as well.

Indeed, clearly given a 40% to 50% divorce rate in the US.

 

[AO1501]

Indeed. Such perspective can go both ways as well.

Achieving solitude without constantly stepping on anyone's toes does have its advantages too.

For me solitude is always somewhat more desirable than loneliness.

I've never felt lonely - except for the last two years with my wife when she was still here. That was lonely! But before that we had shared many years very happily.

But it isn't just the benefit of solitude I now have, it's also being able to tune my environment to my needs, and to live a life that allows far better self-regulation and much more controlled stress. This is contentment.

 

[Mary Anne]

The government loves to sanction the pants off anybody and everybody they can.

I plan to get a job in the next 3 to 6 months, but I can't work full time for various reasons, main one being that if I work 1 second over 16 hours the government will take great delight in sanctioning the crap out of me, and I'd end up either homeless or living in some squalid bedsit on a dodgy Council estate in s2.

I am all alone, and disconnected from family too. I want to share what is giving me ulcers and sleepless nights, Rich. I kept my disability, and worked for 2 years. I did not tell the government, and I needed the “extra” money to live on just to make ends meet. I get no rent subsidies, or food subsidies, or transportation subsidies, and pay market rate for everything ( my family kicked me out and expected me to act like a normal person after 25 years of not working at all).

I had to quit my current full time job after 11 months due to sensory processing disorders increasing to agonizing levels. Plus driving 80 miles round trip a day to a low wage job in an old car just does not make sense! I also have extreme pain from spinal stenosis, lots of headaches, and suffer from depressive disorders.

I live in fear of when the government finds out, and yeah, they will take me off, and never let me in it ever again. I will be told I owe many thousands of dollars to pay them back. I already cannot pay my bills, (bill collectors call me many times per day 7 days per week) and I just quit my job with nothing for back up.

I need disability, and have screwed myself royally now. I also need back surgery, and have high medical needs. I cannot live on disability alone now, and will probably lose my home (my family bought an old mobile home and put it in my possession). I drive a very old car in its last legs, and live very frugally. So, yes, know that you are not alone in these matters. Homeless seems real and very scary. Plus, my 2 cats are my emotional strength, and I do not want to lose them either.

I wanted to work and “be somebody.” I wanted to be “normal.” Now, it’s all crashing down. I have been in 2 long term relationships, and had several other intense boyfriend relationships of shorter duration in my younger days, but have not had the comfort of someone else in my life (love interest) for at least 25 years. Being in my 60s and alone is a very scary time. I enjoy being alone, and it never was a problem until the past year. Now it’s frightening.

 

[pjcnet]

I am all alone, and disconnected from family too. I want to share what is giving me ulcers and sleepless nights, Rich. I kept my disability, and worked for 2 years. I did not tell the government, and I needed the “extra” money to live on just to make ends meet. I get no rent subsidies, or food subsidies, or transportation subsidies, and pay market rate for everything ( my family kicked me out and expected me to act like a normal person after 25 years of not working at all).

I had to quit my current full time job after 11 months due to sensory processing disorders increasing to agonizing levels. Plus driving 80 miles round trip a day to a low wage job in an old car just does not make sense! I also have extreme pain from spinal stenosis, lots of headaches, and suffer from depressive disorders.

I live in fear of when the government finds out, and yeah, they will take me off, and never let me in it ever again. I will be told I owe many thousands of dollars to pay them back. I already cannot pay my bills, (bill collectors call me many times per day 7 days per week) and I just quit my job with nothing for back up.

I need disability, and have screwed myself royally now. I also need back surgery, and have high medical needs. I cannot live on disability alone now, and will probably lose my home (my family bought an old mobile home and put it in my possession). I drive a very old car in its last legs, and live very frugally. So, yes, know that you are not alone in these matters. Homeless seems real and very scary. Plus, my 2 cats are my emotional strength, and I do not want to lose them either.

I wanted to work and “be somebody.” I wanted to be “normal.” Now, it’s all crashing down. I have been in 2 long term relationships, and had several other intense boyfriend relationships of shorter duration in my younger days, but have not had the comfort of someone else in my life (love interest) for at least 25 years. Being in my 60s and alone is a very scary time. I enjoy being alone, and it never was a problem until the past year. Now it’s frightening.

I don't really know what to say, except in your situation I hope the government doesn't catch up with you and they definitely should make it financially easier to work.

I moved out of my parents home at 30 and fell flat on my face without support, plus I've learnt just about everything the hard way and even now I often feel almost persecuted for having autism. I have been single since my early 30s after a disastrous relationship, I'm now 48 years old, but in many ways I'm better off single because for some reason I've always been attracted to "bad" women, plus I'm usually taken advantage of by past partners and also by various other people throughout my life that has lead to all sorts of difficulties, especially when I don't see the issue. Even though I'm younger than yourself I have various health issues and my life expectancy is probably no better than an average person in their 60s. It is frightening thinking about not having anyone around at all that I know truly cares about me, I have 2 slightly younger autistic brothers who are on the very low functioning end of the autistic spectrum where they for instance can't count to 10 or do most things themselves and through no fault of their own are unable to offer any support what-so-ever, and my only other close family are my parents that are worryingly now in their late 70's and are still full time carers for them and yet even my brother's vital day care centre that gives my parents a break is under threat of closure due to cuts, it's also very worrying what will happen to my brothers when my parents are gone because they will be entirely at the mercy of the state and there's so much abuse in the underfunded care system in the UK, various incidents of absolutely shocking abuse in care homes have been in the news only recently, but that's obviously only a tiny percentage of the ones that haven't been exposed and I believe most care homes offer a poor level of care with a certain level of abuse. My parents have already told me to check on them and do my best to ensure they're not abused, but I only have a limited capacity myself. I'm struggling to contemplate what it will be like when they've gone and I don't think I'll be-able to handle it, it's difficult enough to survive as it is with autism and barely any support. My dad was in hospital only 2 years ago and with a very serious kidney infection, every time something like that happens one worries whether it could be the end at his age, although luckily he made a full recovery on this occasion with intensive treatment.

 

[Mary Anne]

I don't really know what to say, except in your situation I hope the government doesn't catch up with you and they definitely should make it financially easier to work.

I moved out of my parents home at 30 and fell flat on my face without support, plus I've learnt just about everything the hard way and even now I often feel almost persecuted for having autism. I have been single since my early 30s after a disastrous relationship, I'm now 48 years old, but in many ways I'm better off single because for some reason I've always been attracted to "bad" women, plus I'm usually taken advantage of by past partners and also by various other people throughout my life that has lead to all sorts of difficulties, especially when I don't see the issue. Even though I'm younger than yourself I have various health issues and my life expectancy is probably no better than an average person in their 60s. It is frightening thinking about not having anyone around at all that I know truly cares about me, I have 2 slightly younger autistic brothers who are on the very low functioning end of the autistic spectrum where they for instance can't count to 10 or do most things themselves and through no fault of their own are unable to offer any support what-so-ever, and my only other close family are my parents that are worryingly now in their late 70's and are still full time carers for them and yet even my brother's vital day care centre that gives my parents a break is under threat of closure due to cuts, it's also very worrying what will happen to my brothers when my parents are gone because they will be entirely at the mercy of the state and there's so much abuse in the underfunded care system in the UK, various incidents of absolutely shocking abuse in care homes have been in the news only recently, but that's obviously only a tiny percentage of the ones that haven't been exposed and I believe most care homes offer a poor level of care with a certain level of abuse. My parents have already told me to check on them and do my best to ensure they're not abused, but I only have a limited capacity myself. I'm struggling to contemplate what it will be like when they've gone and I don't think I'll be-able to handle it, it's difficult enough to survive as it is with autism and barely any support. My dad was in hospital only 2 years ago and with a very serious kidney infection, every time something like that happens one worries whether it could be the end at his age, although luckily he made a full recovery on this occasion with intensive treatment.

Very worrisome. There are certain (very unpopular) Autism organizations that help parents of young autistic children put together a life-long care and income producing packages so that the children will have a place to go after the parents die. If your parents never did this, I fear for the care your brothers will receive. Has anyone done the research as to where the best place they could go for the financial solution already in place? If there is no arrangements while your parents are alive, and no other relatives willing to care for your brothers, then the government steps in.

How about you? Will you be ok? Are you self supporting, or will you need to worry about where you will end up too? As we age, those fears are very normal for everybody, but as we both do not have children to take care of us, nor any spouse, the situations grows more worrisome. I do NOT want to wind up in a nursing home- not any of them- especially state-run ones for poor people. I am not going.

 

[FreeDiver]

I do NOT want to wind up in a nursing home- not any of them- especially state-run ones for poor people. I am not going.

You don't want to be in any nursing home at all. I know. My great grandma was in one for the last 8 years of her life and even though she could afford to be in a nice one. Even the nice ones are still an awful place to be. They are like a zombie apocalypse. The smell of rotting flesh. Being bedridden and even having to use a bed toilet. No thank you, I'll pass. I would even avoid assisted living places too. None of then are sensory friendly. Let's just put it this way. None of these prospects are good for anyone on the spectrum. Even the nice luxurious one are no better.

 

[Mr Allen]

I am all alone, and disconnected from family too. I want to share what is giving me ulcers and sleepless nights, Rich. I kept my disability, and worked for 2 years. I did not tell the government, and I needed the “extra” money to live on just to make ends meet. I get no rent subsidies, or food subsidies, or transportation subsidies, and pay market rate for everything ( my family kicked me out and expected me to act like a normal person after 25 years of not working at all).

I had to quit my current full time job after 11 months due to sensory processing disorders increasing to agonizing levels. Plus driving 80 miles round trip a day to a low wage job in an old car just does not make sense! I also have extreme pain from spinal stenosis, lots of headaches, and suffer from depressive disorders.

I live in fear of when the government finds out, and yeah, they will take me off, and never let me in it ever again. I will be told I owe many thousands of dollars to pay them back. I already cannot pay my bills, (bill collectors call me many times per day 7 days per week) and I just quit my job with nothing for back up.

I need disability, and have screwed myself royally now. I also need back surgery, and have high medical needs. I cannot live on disability alone now, and will probably lose my home (my family bought an old mobile home and put it in my possession). I drive a very old car in its last legs, and live very frugally. So, yes, know that you are not alone in these matters. Homeless seems real and very scary. Plus, my 2 cats are my emotional strength, and I do not want to lose them either.

I wanted to work and “be somebody.” I wanted to be “normal.” Now, it’s all crashing down. I have been in 2 long term relationships, and had several other intense boyfriend relationships of shorter duration in my younger days, but have not had the comfort of someone else in my life (love interest) for at least 25 years. Being in my 60s and alone is a very scary time. I enjoy being alone, and it never was a problem until the past year. Now it’s frightening.

That's me in a nutshell (nutcase more like ) I want to work so I can have a normal life, I don't want the fact I'm a disabled Aspie to be the be all and end all of my life.

I mean come on, I turned 42 this time last week, and apart from 20 odd years of voluntary work, which in most cases I'm proud of, what do I have to show for my life?

 

[Aeolienne]

Back on topic …
From holidays to gym membership: The £2,000 hidden cost of being single is revealed in new study (Daily Fail)
The hidden, horrifying costs of being single(Grauniad)

Balance, see?

 

[AloneNotLonely]

My experience is more similar to tlc than anyone else's. Not sure if he's from the UK like most here. Most western nations hate their native populations (which are single more often or have small families) which shows in the tax and benefits systems. I'm not sure how anyone else can be blamed for that other than the native populations themselves. UK is probably number 1 on that.

While there are some benefits in my country to being together with someone, there are also many very reasonable penalties for living together. Most of these apply to people living in the equivalent of "council houses" and those on welfare. Welfare must be shared among the family and severe cuts happen for anyone on welfare that is not single.

The most universal benefit is the part where there's a tax return on energy, even if you didn't use it. In short, if your annual bill is 1000 eur - 400 tax return = 600 eur. If you use 2000 eur - 400 tax return = 1600 eur. Almost triple the bill.

Living with a woman is also... very... very expensive. I've never been in any financially dire situation, but I prefer wearing an extra sweater than turn up the heater. I've seriously had girlfriends that (in their own apartments, not mine) would turn on the airco because it was hot, and then when it was a bit later turn on the heat because it was cold in the evening while the apartment was cold because they used the airco. This is in frigging summer. Even splitting bills 50-50 with a woman that is relatively sane is still going to end up increasing my costs 5-fold at best. I've known only 1 woman in my entire life that lived relatively cheap but her bills were still very high. The positive thing about women is that the ones I've known eat very little... but left to their own devices still spent more in a week than I spend in a month. But as long as I was buying everything it was really cheap since they ate like nothing. No clue how they managed to stay alive.

For me living alone is much cheaper because my country is relatively sane, I would be nowhere near where I am now if I lived with a girlfriend. If you are in the UK you should probably move to a country that doesn't hate you.

Edit: Oh crap it's a necro thread that's 5 months old

 

[Sid Delicious]

I think there's a correlation between 'male brained thinking' (aspies) and financial sense. The most 'NT' people in my social circle tend to be the ones who are bad with money. I'll agree there seems to be more women who are bad with over spending than men. Although I've dated a couple of guys that certainly broke the trend. My last long term partner was NT and cost me a fortune, as he would spend all of his money, then max out his credit cards, then ask to borrow from me. Although it was my own fault for saying yes. But I always assumed that was due to my upbringing and having worked in finance rather than being an aspie.

I save a lot of money being single compared to when I've lived with NT partners, as I can plan everything meticulously, know exactly what I have coming in and going out, and invest the rest. I don't have to argue or be guilt tripped by anyone about spending my savings on some ridiculous item they 'need' like a shiny new car or special edition comic books (yes, that was an actual argument we had)! I'd love to have someone else to share a home with, but being single is better than being with the wrong person.

 

[Aeolienne]

(Not written by me)

Backlash over 'single-shaming' banking ad
By Robert Plummer
Business reporter, BBC News
4 February 2019

Financial technology company Revolut has been accused of "single-shaming" after its current promotional campaign sparked a backlash on Twitter.

The company, which launched in 2015, bills itself as an alternative to banks and offers app-based current accounts.

One ad highlighted the number of people who ordered a takeaway meal for one on Valentine's Day last year.

After it was criticised as "intrusive" and "tone-deaf", Revolut has apologised and said it did not mean to poke fun.

Financial commentator Iona Bain, who was among the first people to draw attention to the ads, said it was patronising and unworthy of a firm trying to attract young, tech-savvy customers.

"It doesn't tell you anything about the service," she told the BBC.

"It just says they will spy on your spending, so people can laugh at your poor unfortunate single status later on."

Ms Bain, founder of the Young Money Blog, tweeted that the ad's language was "more redolent of early 2000s Bridget Jones" than "a modern and empowered fintech brand".

"I knew a lot of people would agree with me, but I have been surprised by the amount of responses," she said.

She said that those supporting her comments included widows who found such ads unhelpful at this time of year.

"A meal for one, that's a perfectly valid life choice," she added. "It's not their business to be shaming anyone for making that choice."

More importantly, she said, it also played on people's concerns about improper use of their data and whether their financial activity was private.

"It's not just something that triggers a few snowflakes on the London Underground," she added.

Revolut founder Nikolay Storonsky says his organisation is adding up to 8,000 customers a day

Revolut offers a current account service which allows people to make and receive payments, withdraw money from cash machines and transfer money abroad.

It was not a bank when it started, but it announced in December that it had been granted an EU banking licence by the European Central Bank. It still aims to acquire a full UK banking licence.

It has already attained the status of a tech "unicorn" - a term used to describe private start-ups valued at more than $1bn (£740m).

Revolut's head of global marketing and communications, Chad West, said the offending ad was one of four that had been running and was due to come down anyway.

He said that while the other three had been well liked on social media, the fourth one had unfortunately given the impression that the company was "taking the mickey out of people".

"We did not pay enough attention to the copy and the tone," he said. "Some people will call that out and we get that."

He said the company promised to learn from the experience and be "more careful" in future.

Source: BBC News

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

I'm 24, as of this post, and I've never been in a relationship. Some people, at my age, are already married, and have kids, which astonishes me. I'd find that abrupt, for age 24 or less, but they can do what they want, and I respect them, for it.

I went through junior high and high school with romantic relationships developing all around me. In my head, I see a metaphor for this.

I imagine that I'm sitting on a city bench, listening to some music, through headphones. Then, large crowds of people begin running past me, on both sides of the bench. The commotion perturbs me, and I take off the headphones, scanning this torrent of people, trying to determine what's roused them. They're heading somewhere, but I don't know where. The flood ends, and I'm left behind. I stare, for a moment, at the desolate streets. Then, I shrug, resuming my music. Again, they knew something I didn't, and went to a place I've probably never seen. That's all I've ever known about them. They know things I don't, and they migrate, as a mob. They speak in colloquialisms I don't understand. If I try to be nice, I soon get avoided. Strange. They're all "in on something" that's deserted me.

I don't think I've ever craved human company, no matter how long I've gone without it. I'm an unashamed recluse.

It's hard for me to imagine that I'd prefer somebody over solitude. Perhaps, I'm lucky that I can find happiness, no matter how long I spend alone.

There might never be a better friend for me than myself. I don't know what the future will bring, but whether it's solitude or someone I can love, I'll be happy.

Inevitably, I treat people kindly, and find media for my generosity. As much as I seem to repel people, I'll never become one of the people who've bullied me. To fight your enemy, through becoming them, is to join them.

 

[BehindtheScenes]

26F here and I already know I'm staying single until my early to mid 30s due to life mistakes I've made on my end that will take years to repair. It doesn't bother me because Ive long accepted I won't have a standardized life (marriage by mid/late 20s, house, kids, nice house/car, settle down). But, I can definitely affirm that I have gotten stared at for eating alone in non-fast food restaurants as a single person/alone. Thankfully, I only do it 0-4 times a year.

 

[AGXStarseed]

26F here and I already know I'm staying single until my early to mid 30s due to life mistakes I've made on my end that will take years to repair. It doesn't bother me because Ive long accepted I won't have a standardized life (marriage by mid/late 20s, house, kids, nice house/car, settle down). But, I can definitely affirm that I have gotten stared at for eating alone in non-fast food restaurants as a single person/alone. Thankfully, I only do it 0-4 times a year.

If someone stares at you in a restaurant for long enough, just look at them and say "You lose something over here, buddy?"
That's what I did when I used to go to the pub on a Saturday - I'd sit be myself and there'd always be a group of older men staring at me every once in a while. At one point I got sick of it, so when I looked out the corner of my eye and saw one of them looking at me, I just turned to face him and asked him if he'd lost something. He immediately said no and shook his head before turning away, looking embarrassed that I'd called him out for his staring. They soon stopped.

Also, this may be of interest to people looking at this topic:
How to go out alone as a man | British GQ

 

[BehindtheScenes]

If someone stares at you in a restaurant for long enough, just look at them and say "You lose something over here, buddy?"
That's what I did when I used to go to the pub on a Saturday - I'd sit be myself and there'd always be a group of older men staring at me every once in a while. At one point I got sick of it, so when I looked out the corner of my eye and saw one of them looking at me, I just turned to face him and asked him if he'd lost something. He immediately said no and shook his head before turning away, looking embarrassed that I'd called him out for his staring. They soon stopped.

Also, this may be of interest to people looking at this topic:
How to go out alone as a man | British GQ

This sounds like a pretty good idea. Will definitely try this next time for any intense staring. Thanks for the tip.