Scared by family

[Joel I]

I had a very interesting childhood and am unfortunately unable to deal with humans. I am just wondering how many others were scared by their family?

Family life was very violently abusive for me. My mother has bipolar and was in and out of hospital when I was young. My father has never seemed to care much for me or anyone other then himself and has always blamed others for his mistakes. I am one of four children, 1 older sister (3 years older), 1 younger brother (6 years younger) then the youngest is my least damaged sister (11 years younger). My parents slit up for the first time when my younger sister was born, they have been divorced for about a decade now (I am not damaged by the split at all I was very happy about it). My younger sister is the only member of my family not to seriously attack me. Both my parents have seriously harmed me and almost killed me a number of times. However I know they love me now as I almost died in a caving accident in 2010 which brought them all together to be close to me just incase it was the last they would see me.

I thankfully have a very poor memory and have forgotten most of my childhood.

 

[Evy the Owl]

My current family situation (and my past) affected my self-esteem very badly. I think I'm ugly, an outsider and that I will have a very difficult time finding someone that really finds me attractive or loves my personality. Also, because my mum is constantly saying how fat she is (she's only 2 kg overweight) it made my own eating problems worse. Not saying it caused it, but it did play a part.

My memory is very bad, although I think that's because I repress all my memories of home.

 

[gonzerd]

My current family situation (and my past) affected my self-esteem very badly. I think I'm ugly, an outsider and that I will have a very difficult time finding someone that really finds me attractive or loves my personality. Also, because my mum is constantly saying how fat she is (she's only 2 kg overweight) it made my own eating problems worse. Not saying it caused it, but it did play a part.

My memory is very bad, although I think that's because I repress all my memories of home.

Goddamn Evy, I just posted it in the other thread, but I'll say it again. Focus on your own needs and judgement and don't let their crazy ramblings affect you. It's clear they have problems of their own and these problems are somehow being projected upon you. You're not fat and you're not ugly. Maybe you're an outsider, but that's a great thing to be, especially when everybody else seems to have lost their minds!

Getting a bit angry now. Not at you, at this type of situations. If I get it right you're the youngest there, yet you seem to be the one who has to show most responsibility. If your step-dad is annoyed by autistic people, than it's up to him to show some responsibility and act like a goddamn parent. But he's a step-dad, so that's always difficult, at least he can try to behave like a civilized adult in front of his step-daughter. And your mom should be aware as a mom that by going on constantly about her own body issues (which I wouldn't be surprised are in turn linked to your step-sister's cosmetic surgery) she'll be passing those on to her daughter. I'm not saying parents have to be all wise and not have any issues of their own, but when they've had a good 20 years of practice at it they should've learned a thing or two. Some basic psychology to start with. Maybe I sound too rash, if so, I'm sorry, but these things tend to get on my nerves.

 

[Sander]

My current family situation (and my past) affected my self-esteem very badly. I think I'm ugly, an outsider and that I will have a very difficult time finding someone that really finds me attractive or loves my personality. Also, because my mum is constantly saying how fat she is (she's only 2 kg overweight) it made my own eating problems worse. Not saying it caused it, but it did play a part.

My memory is very bad, although I think that's because I repress all my memories of home.

Evy, you know you are beautiful (at least that is what I think, and a lot of others too!) And ofcourse you could see yourself as an outsider, I do too, but that doesn't mean your the only one. I think we all are outsiders. But here on this forum, in this world we are the insiders!

Don't worry, even beautiful NT's have problems finding someone they love. Because love is about what's inside.

As far as I can tell you aren't looking any different than other people, maybe even better! (probably because I like different ) And your personality is just a big warm and loving heart.

Did I forget something? I hope not.

And I also hope you will be feeling better soon

 

[Joel I]

My current family situation (and my past) affected my self-esteem very badly. I think I'm ugly, an outsider and that I will have a very difficult time finding someone that really finds me attractive or loves my personality. Also, because my mum is constantly saying how fat she is (she's only 2 kg overweight) it made my own eating problems worse. Not saying it caused it, but it did play a part.

My memory is very bad, although I think that's because I repress all my memories of home.

It is not good when your family are causing problems for you. They are supposed to be the people you are safest around. It means I have real trust issues because my parents have actually tried to kill me. But I still alive and now live 400km away from my family. So just try to forgive them how terrible a parent they are and just remember when you are old enough you can leave then they can't hurt you anymore.

 

[paloftoon]

Joel, you might be better off fending on your own or risk making friends with people who feel they are in a similar situation to you. Your bond with those kind of strangers are more likely to be stronger.

 

[Joel I]

Thanks I'm much happier on my own until I met my partner. He has some family issues as well but is much closer to his family. I have serious inbuilt issues that he has said to get over & reassuring me with "it's alright you haven't live in that sort of environment for a long time" but I still can't help reacting in certain ways.

 

[gonzerd]

Hey Joel, just wanted to answer the basic question for a moment. Yes, I was scared of family. Not as much now, but I'm still scared of the influence they can on me, memories and old habits they might trigger (and do trigger).
I'd say my mother was bipolar too (I'm not sure about this, I think I read a report once which stated schizophrenia, but those days, pff. Just seeing all the **** that happened back then once you've had to stay in a psychiatric ward put me of from doctors for a long time, which didn't help of course.) Anyway there was a lot fear growing up. She attacked my older brother, threatened to kill him (in his sleep), at the dinner table. Later the anger turned to my older sister and eventually to me. I'm not angry at her for any of it (she passed away some years ago). I've come to understand she had a lot of problems, but still it wasn't easy. That was something I had to learn to admit too, that the situation I grew up in wasn't healthy, and that in order to get some kind of chance at freeing myself from that, I'd have to put myself in a different environment.
My dad being at sea a lot for work didn't help either. And I've come to think of him as an aspie too, so that's a way to rationalize the things he did or didn't, and also a lesson to myself. I feared my father a lot more than my mother, over whom I was more worried than anything else.
Then there were the endless fights. I'd usually hide under the piano stool (not a piano, it was a pedal organ, if that's the right name). When they finally divorced, it was a big relief at first. But then it took another five years of legal fighting, where I'd be once again used as a mediator, but also being forced to wear a hidden tape recorder and make my mother say things that could be used against her in court, among other things.
Feeling safe at home, among family? No. At around six the conclusion first began to dawn on me: these people are not to be trusted. If I wasn't ignored, I was ridiculed. That's how it felt to me at the time. Around 10 I tried to hang myself in the garden during a panic attack. My dad came to have a look and seeing I couldn't get it together, he just laughed and went back inside.
Oh, and that nasty feeling, when I'd get home from school and there was no sound, being afraid to open the door to the living room, because I'd expect my mother to have hung herself. (I got the idea somewhere) I must have been 7 when I first had to call an ambulance so she could have her stomach pumped.
It's getting a bit too fragmented now, little rants of memories. But yes, I was scared. There was nowhere to go to. Sometimes I think it's the autism that got me through, an ability to detach.I am scarred by it though. In the way I feel, the way I interact with other people and the way I developed, which is important too, because time is something you can never get back. 10 years of trauma takes at least an additional 10 years to get passed that trauma. And even then, there are always flashbacks. It's become better with living on my own, keeping them out my life for a couple years.

I think it's interesting you call your childhood interesting. I often thought about mine that way too. That at least it's interesting. It wasn't really a childhood, but I got to see and experience things others didn't. (I'm making it sound way too positive like that.) It made me feel like an old man at a young age, far too wise and responsible too have fun, but too disconnected from normality or reality, or let's say normal reality to do anything with that wisdom. Just ****ed up. Brr.

Anyway, you made it. That's something to be proud of.

 

[Joel I]

It was strange reading that, I know exactly how you feel. Thankfully I don't remember my past well. I was thinking to responding to many parts of that but can't remember everything I was going to say.

Stupidly I stayed with my family until I was 20 though my parents spilt up when I was 11 (the first time) & I just went from one to the other, I was even fostered out a couple of times. I have also been put in hospital a few times. The last time I was put in hospital (about 19) I was suicidal & poisoned myself after having a huge fight with my father & stepmother, they held me on the ground while the other hit me. I fairly sure I should be dead from what I drank (I'd say what but I don't want to give people ideas). I then drove for about 6 hours then broke into my mothers place to sleep. The police came to take me to hospital in the morning. I have never tried hanging cause I'm hopeless at knots.

 

[gonzerd]

I know. I know. I think I blocked a lot as well over time, and maybe that's for the best.
I stayed too until I was 20, trying to get some studies done, but I wasn't up for it, too far gone in depression. It's quite normal to try to hold on to some idea of what might be a regular upbringing, even if it is clear it's not going to happen. Growing up without an idea of safety doesn't make it easier to come to such a decision too. Sometimes I catch myself feeling guilty about it. Still. I mean, the family also does their best to make me feel guilty about it. Now I'm the one who moved away, the one who apparently thinks he's too good or so to stay in the same town. It just makes me want to move further. At least now I have a sense I can have a change to grow into my own person, and leave those metaphorical shackles behind (although they are still somewhat there, in my mind and in my personality. It's difficult to stand up for yourself, and believe in yourself and what you're doing is ok. At least for me it is. I often use the you-form in a general way.) And it's not a guilt trip I'm willing to accept. Not anymore.

It's good we got out. There's much to live for.

 

[Joel I]

I scared all my family in 2010 by almost dieing, I split my scull open and broke my spine (actually shattered a vertebra). They all were very effected and are much more forgiving now so it was probably the best thing I'd done. My brother even cried when he saw me I'm told, which shocked me.

 

[gonzerd]

That must have been a very strange experience. I know they care for me, but I guess they just don't know how. Or I don't respond well to it. I know my father has expressed some regret on a few things, which was good. I'm feeling quite different about him now. I think there's some mutual understanding. I also think my brother and sister aren't really all too aware of all the stuff that happened after they left. And somehow they came out very comformistic, probably as a reaction to things being so weird growing up. So although we've been through much of the same stuff, our experience of it was very different. It's a big age difference too. And I don't think they have ASD. Even if they had, they wouldn't accept it.

 

[I am that which I am]

Hello,

I am sorry I am a bit late to the party, I have been really busy as of late but still wanted to take part.

I was also abused (physically and psychologically) and neglected by my family, peers and some teachers as a child and now have PTSD as a result of that and my cursed excellent memory. I also have had issues with anxiety, depression, and suicide since I was a child. Abuse has a significant effect on us but we can work against it and prevent it from killing us. Once we accept the past as the past and see it as an experience that made us stronger we can experience the greatest peace. It is just incredibly difficult to let go and accept these things.

I scared all my family in 2010 by almost dieing, I split my scull open and broke my spine (actually shattered a vertebra). They all were very effected and are much more forgiving now so it was probably the best thing I'd done. My brother even cried when he saw me I'm told, which shocked me.

I can relate to some of what you have been through Joel, my parents divorced when I was in my early teens. I also played that game of going from one parent to the other until I decided to move out on my own and not live with either in my mid teens. Some space made my mother care a bit more and be a little kinder. The key word is "a little" my mother and I still have issues. My father, perhaps because of his own issues, was never really there mentally (although he was there physically). So I guess my father and I have fewer problems. Although likely being an aspie himself it would have been nice if he were a bit more aware and actually tried to help or be supportive. Although your partner thinks it would be easy to get over it is not. Even if you do not remember a lot of what happened it still affected you and how you behave as an adult that has moved on from that situation. He needs to understand that it takes time and therapy to fix those things. They may never be fixed to the extent that he hopes either as some things are simply irreversible. Listening to your music from 2009 reminds me of how I often felt and some of what I wrote as a teenager and in my early twenties.

I was also quite surprised how much my family seemed to care after they learned I had mental health issues and ended up checking myself in the hospital a year ago. My issues were something I had been hiding very well for several years, they honestly had no idea. My brother is the only one that was consistent with that however. He still cares. My mother changes her mind every so often and denies much of what happens in general and that she changes her mind. My father did care I guess as much as he could, he has always been (or at least appears) quite detached.

My current family situation (and my past) affected my self-esteem very badly. I think I'm ugly, an outsider and that I will have a very difficult time finding someone that really finds me attractive or loves my personality. Also, because my mum is constantly saying how fat she is (she's only 2 kg overweight) it made my own eating problems worse. Not saying it caused it, but it did play a part.

My memory is very bad, although I think that's because I repress all my memories of home.

Evy the owl, it seems that thinking one is an outsider is almost a part of having AS. Many of us are quite different than the rest of the world and realize this, so we tend to think we are outsiders. It is also put in our faces by others. I used to think I was an alien as a child. I do not know you but I doubt that you are fat and ugly and not every one cares about looks. Like Gonzerd said, it is natural for a child to take on certain traits from their parents just by exposure even if they do not have the problem themselves. I took on some of my mother's OCD behaviours when I was younger until I realized it. Then I went specifically against those behaviours. So you do not have to do like your mum or your sister that was probably influenced by your mothers behaviour and worry about your weight and beauty all the time.

That must have been a very strange experience. I know they care for me, but I guess they just don't know how. Or I don't respond well to it. I know my father has expressed some regret on a few things, which was good. I'm feeling quite different about him now. I think there's some mutual understanding. I also think my brother and sister aren't really all too aware of all the stuff that happened after they left. And somehow they came out very comformistic, probably as a reaction to things being so weird growing up. So although we've been through much of the same stuff, our experience of it was very different. It's a big age difference too. And I don't think they have ASD. Even if they had, they wouldn't accept it.

Gonzerd, wow I am really sorry you had to go through that. I also always disliked doctors and feared getting help for my issues but that is because of the bullsh*t stories my mother fed me as a child, her constant berating of me and my father, and the comparisons. I really wish parents did not either use their children as mediators in their divorce. My father convinced me as well to bring him a notebook where there were notes of who paid for what when they built their house. He wanted at least half of it. Both my parents still complain about each other to my brother and I, which we often tell them it is in the past and it is their problem. It is not our problem as children that their relationship did not work out and we should not be used as pons to play out in their legal battles. That and all of the other crap they put us through, like you mentioned that lead to traumatic memories. Since I was a child I felt like an old man inside of a child's body, which felt so strange. Then again I have body issues and did not recognize myself in the mirror or in pictures when I was young. Like I knew that was me I just felt I did not look at all like I was supposed to.

 

[nowwhat]

Radical, Joel. Sorry that you've been through that. I come from a largely cultic family and am the Black Sheep. The first crowd to mobilize against me was my own brothers, who staged a couple of barely-competent "it will look like an accident" attempts to snuff me. One of them was an officer in the local PD, so had they succeeded, they certainly would have gotten off scott free. But, here I am, smiling in their faces at every family get-together, "up yours" pouring from every second of my continued presence in Earth, and in their faces. So, no, I don't fear my family cause they've taken their best shot and failed. I win by still being here and flaunting that fact at every opportunity.

At least you weren't clearly the target of concerted and premeditated violence. I mean mine weren't particularly angry, they got togther and decided to try this. That the attempts were somewhat listless, is small comfort, given that things went that far. Much of this I attribute to their membership in a cult that has an actual doctrine sanctioning illegal and otherwise immoral actions by members in a sort of "deputized" or exceptional role for a time. Creepy.

Oh, and I idolized my older brothers at the time all this occurred. Talk about growing up fast. Trust issues, anyone?

 

[gonzerd]

Since I was a child I felt like an old man inside of a child's body, which felt so strange. Then again I have body issues and did not recognize myself in the mirror or in pictures when I was young. Like I knew that was me I just felt I did not look at all like I was supposed to.

Sorry to hear you had to go through that stuff too. No need to apologize for being late. I'm saying that because I have a feeling that overly apologizing might be an effect of all this crap.
Just wanted to say about the above: that's exactly how I felt. Like I was born grown up and it's a real task to grown down and be somewhat free from all that weight. Also the not recognizing myself in the mirror. That's the first time I heard someone else say they had that like that. We had a little mirror in the hallway, and almost every time I passed it I would be surprised to what the person in it looked like. I would be surprised there would even be a person. Maybe I felt like a ghost or so, but that would be too poetic an explanation. It really was just looking at myself and thinking: who is this shapeshifting stranger?

 

[I am that which I am]

Radical, Joel. Sorry that you've been through that. I come from a largely cultic family and am the Black Sheep. The first crowd to mobilize against me was my own brothers, who staged a couple of barely-competent "it will look like an accident" attempts to snuff me. One of them was an officer in the local PD, so had they succeeded, they certainly would have gotten off scott free. But, here I am, smiling in their faces at every family get-together, "up yours" pouring from every second of my continued presence in Earth, and in their faces. So, no, I don't fear my family cause they've taken their best shot and failed. I win by still being here and flaunting that fact at every opportunity.

At least you weren't clearly the target of concerted and premeditated violence. I mean mine weren't particularly angry, they got togther and decided to try this. That the attempts were somewhat listless, is small comfort, given that things went that far. Much of this I attribute to their membership in a cult that has an actual doctrine sanctioning illegal and otherwise immoral actions by members in a sort of "deputized" or exceptional role for a time. Creepy.

Oh, and I idolized my older brothers at the time all this occurred. Talk about growing up fast. Trust issues, anyone?

Cults do have a tendency to get to people's heads. Have you seen the documentary about Johnstown? I am glad you survived it.

 

[I am that which I am]

Sorry to hear you had to go through that stuff too. No need to apologize for being late. I'm saying that because I have a feeling that overly apologizing might be an effect of all this crap.
Just wanted to say about the above: that's exactly how I felt. Like I was born grown up and it's a real task to grown down and be somewhat free from all that weight. Also the not recognizing myself in the mirror. That's the first time I heard someone else say they had that like that. We had a little mirror in the hallway, and almost every time I passed it I would be surprised to what the person in it looked like. I would be surprised there would even be a person. Maybe I felt like a ghost or so, but that would be too poetic an explanation. It really was just looking at myself and thinking: who is this shapeshifting stranger?

I know it is quite strange. For example I was questioning the creation of the universe (how, when, where), the purpose of life, if the world was really as we perceived it and other fairly deep philosophical things when I was 5. Unfortunately my interests in philosophy were never encouraged by my parents and I only figured out the name for what I was doing in grade 12. I was often given odd looks as I asked certain questions and had certain interests. Some (nicer) people just said I would go far in life others mentioned I was too young and should not ask that.

I did not know it was common for people to be surprised by or not know their own reflections. I wonder if maybe it is an aspie thing, we would have to ask others. I still have not really determined what I am supposed to look like but I guess that over the years I attached a particular importance to certain traits that were more unique, such as the colour of my eyes (amber-green so I have a form of hemichromatism) and my odd skinniness (or rather ability to stretch and look skinny) I also wondered who was the stranger in the mirror and why I looked like that. I felt as though I was something else perhaps hovering around that physical stranger.

 

[Joel I]

Radical, Joel. Sorry that you've been through that. I come from a largely cultic family and am the Black Sheep. The first crowd to mobilize against me was my own brothers, who staged a couple of barely-competent "it will look like an accident" attempts to snuff me. One of them was an officer in the local PD, so had they succeeded, they certainly would have gotten off scott free. But, here I am, smiling in their faces at every family get-together, "up yours" pouring from every second of my continued presence in Earth, and in their faces. So, no, I don't fear my family cause they've taken their best shot and failed. I win by still being here and flaunting that fact at every opportunity.

At least you weren't clearly the target of concerted and premeditated violence. I mean mine weren't particularly angry, they got togther and decided to try this. That the attempts were somewhat listless, is small comfort, given that things went that far. Much of this I attribute to their membership in a cult that has an actual doctrine sanctioning illegal and otherwise immoral actions by members in a sort of "deputized" or exceptional role for a time. Creepy.

Oh, and I idolized my older brothers at the time all this occurred. Talk about growing up fast. Trust issues, anyone?

I was the black sheep in my family as well but with the age gaps they didn't gang up on me. They all (except the youngest) attack me and each other regularly. My family is Christian but not cultish thankfully, I also have a faith I've been through & seen to much not to.

Family have so much to answer for but they are sort of needed in a way.

 

[Joel I]

Sorry to hear you had to go through that stuff too. No need to apologize for being late. I'm saying that because I have a feeling that overly apologizing might be an effect of all this crap.
Just wanted to say about the above: that's exactly how I felt. Like I was born grown up and it's a real task to grown down and be somewhat free from all that weight. Also the not recognizing myself in the mirror. That's the first time I heard someone else say they had that like that. We had a little mirror in the hallway, and almost every time I passed it I would be surprised to what the person in it looked like. I would be surprised there would even be a person. Maybe I felt like a ghost or so, but that would be too poetic an explanation. It really was just looking at myself and thinking: who is this shapeshifting stranger?

I have always looked into mirrors for ages thinking I don't like that. I started dyeing my hair when I was 19 & the cut & styling have always been changing. I have always wanted different coloured contacts, I have always wanted to change the way I look.

On the ageing front I have always felt older then I am, which is funny cause I look younger then I am. I was saying several years ago that I'm middle-aged but everyone argued with me, I was thinking 'well I could just kill myself then they would be wrong saying I'm young I was at the end'. I am just sick of people treating me like a child everyone seems to do it.

 

[I am that which I am]

I have always looked into mirrors for ages thinking I don't like that. I started dyeing my hair when I was 19 & the cut & styling have always been changing. I have always wanted different coloured contacts, I have always wanted to change the way I look.

On the ageing front I have always felt older then I am, which is funny cause I look younger then I am. I was saying several years ago that I'm middle-aged but everyone argued with me, I was thinking 'well I could just kill myself then they would be wrong saying I'm young I was at the end'. I am just sick of people treating me like a child everyone seems to do it.

Interesting. Yes for some reason aspies tend to look younger than they really are. Apparently I look a bit younger, but it was not much of an issue, except for when my body was a child and mind an old man. I guess that now it is not much of a problem. You could always dye your hair grey or white (just kidding). Proving them wrong is not worth a life. Have you tried to address the issue with them? Mentioning to them that it bothers you? Some will be more understanding and try to correct their behaviours.