scrambled brains with a harsh dose of reality

[Chance]

I haven't been allowed to be me in so long I think I was forgetting who I really was.
I did get a dose of who I really was and it felt so good to be me... but that was too much to ask apperently.

I just got back from a long road trip that had to be cut short because some people in my life seemed to think I might enjoy myself. I did but they will never frikkn know it.

I purposely turned off my phone because the first thing was wanting updates where are you, where are you staying, don't do this, don't do that. I don't know why you think you need to go off by yourself... You are already by yourself here. You wont talk to anyone, you wont let people in your life... on and on... so I went silent. Right or wrong thats what I did... and I loved every minute of it.

Finally I read an email that told me if I didn't check back in she was going to call and have me listed as a missing person and have OnStar track my truck... What a degenerate!

So I did check in to tell her to leave me alone! Then I went and traded my truck off while in San Diego, then I went full silent again. Then she emails me that the heating system isn't working correctly. The door is stuck on her Suv. I worry her too much. She wasn't sure why I seem to hate her. We are low on food. My brother in law is sick they are all staying at my house.... my head was just wanting to explode. She finds ways to upset me even worse when I am not around her. Its like her narcissism has no bounds.

This lady basically hates my guts, but wont let me go... Its like she's this built in torture device, designed to make my life SUCK at every waking moment.

So I get home and my home looks like FEMA could come in and label it a disaster area. No food in the panty, dirty clothes and dishes everywhere... I suddenly saw what I was good for and ALL I was good for. I'm a servant who deserves no peace in his life and cant seem to have any, even if I try and leave.

I may be wrong but I think people like me are often hugely taken advantage of, sometimes to the point we are enslaved and we don't even know our way out.

Above all the chaos at home... I had a co-worker (the one who always tries to get my job) caught drunk and apparently high at work... So I get to fire him tomorrow morning but my Boss is coming in also... thankfully.

Maybe my whole purpose in venting this... Is that fact I was not trying to cause one second of trouble for anyone in anyway while I was gone, yet this is my reward and my forced early return.

Its like people cant bare the fact that I can go off and have this wonderful time all by myself. I was even told that is INSANE and dangerous. Yet I have no mentally disability that should not allow me to do this. I function better on my own. I was HAPPY on my own and to dare admit that is a horrible mistake... I promise.

I cant think like an NT, I suck at acting like one, but I cant find any peace in my life as it is.

Last night I was told that people think I am depressed... REALLY? What a brilliant freaking deduction. If they only knew they were the root of what makes me want to run 24/7.

People make all these thousands of pages about kids with ASD... Its seems no one understands we still struggle long after we grow up... But most of those struggles come from school house bullies who grew up to become grown up bullies and very mean people. Its the same stuff, just a different time and place and they manipulate and twist life into this noose they place around our necks as they heckle us, and use us.

So in all honesty there is no answer, no fix, no hope... Maybe just that cabin in the mountains I always talk about... Maybe it needs to become a lot more real, real soon, just need a way to sustain myself for that type of lifestyle... LIFE is never free, nor am I.

Sorry I just need to let this go and I am trying to figure out my next puzzle piece in LIFE.

 

[Progster]

This lady basically hates my guts, but wont let me go... Its like she's this built in torture device, designed to make my life SUCK at every waking moment.

I don't have the full context/information to understand this. Is this person a partner or a relative? Whoever it is, they are obviously a bad influence in your life and you need to get out of that situation, even if just for a while.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Nothing wrong with you as far as i can see.

You just got some users in your life....

I know you dont want to do it,but maybe some professional help.
Ie a lawyer can sort out your thoughts into a legal basis.
(I know theres a complicated backdrop)
More importantly this can be done without anybody knowing. (No.1)

Your son is an adult.
Your wife does not deserve your support.
Nor is she entitled after a divorce....

 

[LucyPurrs]

Fridge has a good suggestion, a lawyer. Life is short, way too short for you to stay in misery. Your wife has become toxic to you and some other relatives also. What are you afraid of? What don't you want to let go of? What do you not want to lose? What do you want for yourself? When is it time for you to treat yourself as well as you treat others? Stop rescuing her and maybe she'll quit trying to keep you.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

When is it time for you to treat yourself as well as you treat others?

Today.

 

[Progster]

I assume that this thread is continuing on from other discussions that happened in other previous threads, and to get the full picture, and make a contribution, I need to read the other threads to get the full picture.

Is your wife abusing you, or does she have mental health issues?

On second thoughts, it's personal - nobody needs to answer.

 

[Suzanne]

Chance, I think I am getting what you mean: you are thinking about YOURSELF for once and in fact, I am doing the same thing.

Family, basically. I have spent years allowing myself to be the enemy and at last I am saying: what the heck; I can't deal with this anymore. What about MY FEELINGS?! Every member of family who I have had contact with, have just "stamped" on me. I am there as their punch bag; they can say what the heck they want to say and I have just taken it on board, but NO MORE.

The only time I will let anyone back into my life ( family), is when they are willing to listen to MY SIDE OF THE STORY).

Having recently been partially diagnosed with ptsd; it has got to the point, that if I dwell too much on the dreadful injustices; I will collapse and I just won't do that any more.

Sorry, if I have misunderstood your meaning and talked about myself.

 

[Chance]

I assume that this thread is continuing on from other discussions that happened in other previous threads, and to get the full picture, and make a contribution, I need to read the other threads to get the full picture.

Is your wife abusing you, or does she have mental health issues?

On second thoughts, it's personal - nobody needs to answer.

No not abusing... maybe in some ways she is, but using me to the point I don't know which way is up.
I put it out there just to help get it off of me... It helps A LOT... I also try and see it as the truth of what it is and I sort of want to throw up, but also feel obligated because its all I know and I made a promise that I would care for her... I'm so loyal its stomach turning. Thats basically my big issue. If I make a promise I never break it.

Fridge has a good suggestion, a lawyer. Life is short, way too short for you to stay in misery. Your wife has become toxic to you and some other relatives also. What are you afraid of? What don't you want to let go of? What do you not want to lose? What do you want for yourself? When is it time for you to treat yourself as well as you treat others? Stop rescuing her and maybe she'll quit trying to keep you.

I don't how to not care, even when people hurt me. I cant stand the thought of making anyone struggle like I was forced to struggle growing up... and sadly people take advantage of that.
I left in hopes of finding some peace and I did, but it os always mixed with this toxic nightmare that I don't think will go away as long as I am alive. (Please don't take that wrong, not thinking about ending it)

I didn't even know what a narcissist was until not long ago, but I think I married one and in that I have enough sense to know that just like I cant switch off my ASD (and all the crap under that umbrella)... She cant switch off who she is either.

I have been reading online and this seems to be a very common thing (take out the ASD maybe and replace it with loyal, or empathetic)... They maybe unintentionally prey on people like me.

My family is very loud, very ego driven, and she fits right in... So I'm always going to be the sick minded little s--t that cant handle REALITY... Its always been like that. As I grow older it just seems like the gap widens.

Nothing wrong with you as far as i can see.

You just got some users in your life....

I know you dont want to do it,but maybe some professional help.
Ie a lawyer can sort out your thoughts into a legal basis.
(I know theres a complicated backdrop)
More importantly this can be done without anybody knowing. (No.1)

Your son is an adult.
Your wife does not deserve your support.
Nor is she entitled after a divorce....

Your 100% right but dude she haunts me. I came home and she immediately started going through my stuff and my new Jeep and she was mad as hell... Because she thinks I enjoyed myself. Shes mad over the Jeep she says that should be hers and it never ends...

I have thought on the divorce thing and I have talked to my counselor and a lawyer and people like her are tough. She's smart, sexy, and mean as hell itself and part of what DRIVES her is to sort of feed of the toxic nightmare she creates.

Yes I could and probably should just drive off and never look back... But that will make her worse on my son and they are fighting like cats and dogs and that somehow (according to my wife) is my fault...

Some people it seems cant stand for other people to dare enjoy a second of LIFE... If I walk away she will just ramp it up, like she just did...

It seems my greatest issue might be that I cant out think her, or to what extent she will go too to get what she wants.

At times she can be very nice, at other times not so much.

I'm just trying to make room to breath again and this helps me.

 

[Chance]

Chance, I think I am getting what you mean: you are thinking about YOURSELF for once and in fact, I am doing the same thing.

Family, basically. I have spent years allowing myself to be the enemy and at last I am saying: what the heck; I can't deal with this anymore. What about MY FEELINGS?! Every member of family who I have had contact with, have just "stamped" on me. I am there as their punch bag; they can say what the heck they want to say and I have just taken it on board, but NO MORE.

The only time I will let anyone back into my life ( family), is when they are willing to listen to MY SIDE OF THE STORY).

Having recently been partially diagnosed with ptsd; it has got to the point, that if I dwell too much on the dreadful injustices; I will collapse and I just won't do that any more.

Sorry, if I have misunderstood your meaning and talked about myself.

Never be sorry... I want to know I'm not alone. I want people to let stuff out that hurts them.
You say anything you want on any post I have. Its not about me either... Its about any of us dealing with stuff that crushes us... : ) This is how I deal with stuff and in a short while I will be back to myself, that nobody seems to understand... But thats who I am and I cant help it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Never be sorry... I want to know I'm not alone. I want people to let stuff out that hurts them.
You say anything you want on any post I have. Its not about me either... Its about any of us dealing with stuff that crushes us... : ) This is how I deal with stuff and in a short while I will be back to myself, that nobody seems to understand... But thats who I am and I cant help it.

Well I feel for you, so now I'm going to go with a advice through a bad joke :

Your next step should be to renew your vows.
As that is a cast iron guarantee of coming divorce.

 

[OkRad]

That post was suffocating. Not that you are, but the situation! I know it well. I was terribly dependent on a jerk who used me. It was the other way aroud. Manipulated and roped in and made dependent. THis was a long time ago and it still hurts

I still have many needs. But you know what? Your cabin in woods? Mine is a little house in one of the out coves in Newfoundland. There is where I would like to go to just suffer it out. No one cares if you are scrubby or missing an eye. My mom lived in NL before central heat.

I am talking an outpost, almost no medical care, etc....it would truly be a place to go and stop worrying because it will be the place where I will die. I bet without Drs hammering at me and people hurting me, guess what? I would live longer and happier and if not longer, well, certaily happier.

CHEERS to your cabin and my little house..................

 

[LucyPurrs]

What would you tell someone who said all of this to you?
You're in a world of hurt, have been for years and years and you don't want to break your promise?
Chance, your promise was broken by her long ago.
Is staying making her happy? (True answer is nothing will make her happy).
Is staying making your son happy? ( He probably loves you to death and doesn't want to see you suffer this way).
Just what would it take for you to walk away and take care of yourself?

 

[Gritches]

Damn, dude. I wish I knew what to say or do that could help you. I guess all I've got is that if indeed you just need someone to rant to feel free to PM me any time. Only you can help you, but I get that ranting it out helps.

 

[Chance]

That post was suffocating. Not that you are, but the situation! I know it well. I was terribly dependent on a jerk who used me. It was the other way aroud. Manipulated and roped in and made dependent. THis was a long time ago and it still hurts

I still have many needs. But you know what? Your cabin in woods? Mine is a little house in one of the out coves in Newfoundland. There is where I would like to go to just suffer it out. No one cares if you are scrubby or missing an eye. My mom lived in NL before central heat.

I am talking an outpost, almost no medical care, etc....it would truly be a place to go and stop worrying because it will be the place where I will die. I bet without Drs hammering at me and people hurting me, guess what? I would live longer and happier and if not longer, well, certaily happier.

CHEERS to your cabin and my little house..................

If people were more self reliant... Maybe tons of this using each other wouldn't happen. In the old days many people of today would die because people had to fend for themselves and had certain things they had to do to stay within a family or community for that community to survive...

Today people get angry if the pizza dude is late, or if their Latte isn't just perfect... I totally enjoy LIVING with me depending on no one, but sadly thats not how other people see it. Its like we OWE people HAPPINESS at the expense of our sanity sometimes.

I wish I could jump in a time machine and bounce back to 1899 and land in a simple cabin by a steam filled with trout. No cell phone, no tv, no internet, but I would invent a fast indoor bathroom... : )

 

[LucyPurrs]

If people were more self reliant... Maybe tons of this using each other wouldn't happen. In the old days many people of today would die because people had to fend for themselves and had certain things they had to do to stay within a family or community for that community to survive...

Today people get angry if the pizza dude is late, or if their Latte isn't just perfect... I totally enjoy LIVING with me depending on no one, but sadly thats not how other people see it. Its like we OWE people HAPPINESS at the expense of our sanity sometimes.

I wish I could jump in a time machine and bounce back to 1899 and land in a simple cabin by a steam filled with trout. No cell phone, no tv, no internet, but I would invent a fast indoor bathroom... : )

And boy would I love to eat those trout

 

[OkRad]

If people were more self reliant... Maybe tons of this using each other wouldn't happen. In the old days many people of today would die because people had to fend for themselves and had certain things they had to do to stay within a family or community for that community to survive...

Today people get angry if the pizza dude is late, or if their Latte isn't just perfect... I totally enjoy LIVING with me depending on no one, but sadly thats not how other people see it. Its like we OWE people HAPPINESS at the expense of our sanity sometimes.

I wish I could jump in a time machine and bounce back to 1899 and land in a simple cabin by a steam filled with trout. No cell phone, no tv, no internet, but I would invent a fast indoor bathroom... : )

That is one thing my mom said about living in NF. A man had a broken arm and the Dr was not there so it fixed wrong. He was still happy and had a decent life. It was still there and worked, but bent.

It also shows how we need a social safety net. If I had a Basic Income (like they are doing in certain place in Ontario), I would not have had to humilate myself at the feet of a man who liked to flick little flecks of water at me when I was half dead. "Here! Hahaaha" LIke my life was cabaret to him.............

That said, after all I endured, I think I am ready to risk NL

 

[Chance]

What would you tell someone who said all of this to you?
You're in a world of hurt, have been for years and years and you don't want to break your promise?
Chance, your promise was broken by her long ago.
Is staying making her happy? (True answer is nothing will make her happy).
Is staying making your son happy? ( He probably loves you to death and doesn't want to see you suffer this way).
Just what would it take for you to walk away and take care of yourself?

Just what would it take for you to walk away and take care of yourself?
Her to love me enough to let me go... then that would be true freedom.

A freedom I would grant her in a split second and never have a harsh thought in it. Sadly it seems??? Her unhappiness is what she thrives on and its not anything that I can grasp. I try and picture what would make her TRULY happy (long term) and I don't know if there is anything in this reality that would do that... So CONTROL is her next best fix.

I'm not seeking out sympathy. I'm stuck like Chuck and I already know that... I'm trying to understand how she thinks and what has caused her to expose this "monster." I get it she says its me, but its everything. She loves to get new stuff but hates it soon after, or gets very upset that everything in LIFE needs to be maintained and cared for if it is to last.

If I could reverse this process that has made her so mean... I might find the lady that I still truly love. The sad part is when my life fell all to pieces and people were trying to figure out what was wrong with me... When she heard I have ASD... I could feel the hate in her. She told me she felt deceived and cheated... I might as well been caught sleeping with someone. Something switched in her right then and its never been right since. Now she fears my son has it... The "curse" as she calls it.

When all that lifts the curse is to love someone for who they are and not what we demand they become for them. What's so hard about that? Thats why its so hard for me to give up... Its not like there is this impossible equation laid before us... Its nothing like that at all.

Some people are givers and some are takers... I seem to have won the lottery in being a very loyal giver and won the lottery again by marrying a taker that wants everything including control of my very soul.

If she could find real LOVE within her... I feel it would crush her, and that makes me very sad for her.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Just what would it take for you to walk away and take care of yourself?
Her to love me enough to let me go... then that would be true freedom.

A freedom I would grant her in a split second and never have a harsh thought in it. Sadly it seems??? Her unhappiness is what she thrives on and its not anything that I can grasp. I try and picture what would make her TRULY happy (long term) and I don't know if there is anything in this reality that would do that... So CONTROL is her next best fix.

I'm not seeking out sympathy. I'm stuck like Chuck and I already know that... I'm trying to understand how she thinks and what has caused her to expose this "monster." I get it she says its me, but its everything. She loves to get new stuff but hates it soon after, or gets very upset that everything in LIFE needs to be maintained and cared for if it is to last.

If I could reverse this process that has made her so mean... I might find the lady that I still truly love. The sad part is when my life fell all to pieces and people were trying to figure out what was wrong with me... When she heard I have ASD... I could feel the hate in her. She told me she felt deceived and cheated... I might as well been caught sleeping with someone. Something switched in her right then and its never been right since. Now she fears my son has it... The "curse" as she calls it.

When all that lifts the curse is to love someone for who they are and not what we demand they become for them. What's so hard about that? Thats why its so hard for me to give up... Its not like there is this impossible equation laid before us... Its nothing like that at all.

Some people are givers and some are takers... I seem to have won the lottery in being a very loyal giver and won the lottery again by marrying a taker that wants everything including control of my very soul.

If she could find real LOVE within her... I feel it would crush her, and that makes me very sad for her.

Chance, we know you are not looking for sympathy or pity. But what you say makes me very sad for you and your son. As much as you want her to do so, she isn't going to change.

 

[Chance]

Today.

Thats why I come here... I cant fix nothing over night, but I can change how I see it and break it down into smaller pieces I can work with. You people have no idea how much you help me... Even the answers are constructive criticism... Its not near as harsh as what I have to deal with in real life.

I'm not gonna sit here and lie... I'm scared to death to just walk away, terrified is more like it, not in fear of my life... But because of the monster I will be portrayed as... I have never been a monster and I had the choice to hate so many people who abused me... I forgave instead. So being labeled a monster is the most unfair thing I can see in this lifetime.

I never care to defend myself, and on here is the only place I really vent so IN REAL LIFE... She can DESTROY ME and she has reminded me often. BECAUSE she knows what will hurt me most.

I often have this mental picture of her dragging me through the mud in a public street by the hair of my head... telling the world that is what makes her happy.

She sees me as WEAK MINDED... and that makes her blood boil... But its not the truth. I'm not weak minded, just different... and have been that way since day one and was that way when we dated forever.

I'm a failed project is what I truly think... Not that I feel I'm a total failure, but because she couldn't make me what she wanted me to be... Its not there... I would have to be a submissive NT for it to ever work and she has found out that I'm just a "freak" instead...

Sooo when I do post this nightmare stuff... I am trying to love myself and remind myself I am not a monster, and I do goods things for people, even people who hate me... : )

 

[LucyPurrs]

Thats why I come here... I cant fix nothing over night, but I can change how I see it and break it down into smaller pieces I can work with. You people have no idea how much you help me... Even the answers are constructive criticism... Its not near as harsh as what I have to deal with in real life.

I'm not gonna sit here and lie... I'm scared to death to just walk away, terrified is more like it, not in fear of my life... But because of the monster I will be portrayed as... I have never been a monster and I had the choice to hate so many people who abused me... I forgave instead. So being labeled a monster is the most unfair thing I can see in this lifetime.

I never care to defend myself, and on here is the only place I really vent so IN REAL LIFE... She can DESTROY ME and she has reminded me often. BECAUSE she knows what will hurt me most.

I often have this mental picture of her dragging me through the mud in a public street by the hair of my head... telling the world that is what makes her happy.

She sees me as WEAK MINDED... and that makes her blood boil... But its not the truth. I'm not weak minded, just different... and have been that way since day one and was that way when we dated forever.

I'm a failed project is what I truly think... Not that I feel I'm a total failure, but because she couldn't make me what she wanted me to be... Its not there... I would have to be a submissive NT for it to ever work and she has found out that I'm just a "freak" instead...

Sooo when I do post this nightmare stuff... I am trying to love myself and remind myself I am not a monster, and I do goods things for people, even people who hate me... : )

OMG Chance, you couldn't be a monster if you tried until the end of time.