Seeing people you used to know coupled up as well as having children

[Markness]

What meaning did you /do you give to the term "self-soothe"?

I didn’t give it a meaning and still haven’t because I was stunned when my detractor directed it at me.

 

[tree]

I didn’t give it a meaning and still haven’t because I was stunned when my detractor directed it at me.

In that case, I believe you have entirely misunderstood the term.

There's nothing *stunning* about the idea of knowing how to
regulate one's feelings and reactions.

So without having any ideas of what they meant, you took it to
mean something negative?

 

[Markness]

In that case, I believe you have entirely misunderstood the term.

There's nothing *stunning* about the idea of knowing how to
regulate one's feelings and reactions.

So without having any ideas of what they meant, you took it to
mean something negative?

I did and I still do because my detractors have colored the saying negatively in my psyche.

 

[tree]

What if the same phrase were offered to you by a person
you consider a *supporter*?

 

[Markness]

What if the same phrase were offered to you by a person
you consider a *supporter*?

I don’t know.

 

[tree]

I don’t know.

Try considering it.

Give it some thought.

Take your time.

 

[Neri]

Things will come when they need to come my friend

Be patient, love yourself and the universe will show you your path

Rather you be single and childleas than walk my path

I have children, I WAS married (out of the desperation of not being alone)

Now?

Well now I've been badly hurt by a bad woman who is using my children as a weapon against me

You don't know how much it hurts, you don't know how much work I have done to overcome this pain

Do you want this?

Don't think so

Better be patient and love yourself and find the RIGHT PERSON than be in a situation like mine just cause you get in a relationship out of desperation and loneliness

Think of it dude

I'm not giving up on you!

Stay strong, love yourself and you'll find love

Who is for you will find you but first you need to love yourself

I agree entirely! Myself and my partner are both dealing with the weaponized children situation. Mine with the dad, and he with his daughter's mum, and his sons' mum put him through utter hell as well.
I can't tell you how much utter misery and loneliness I have been through with my kid's dad. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, if I had one.

So much better to work on your own inner wellbeing and development FIRST @Markness . Learn to treat yourself well and kindly and to value yourself so that you attract someone who will treat you well, as well.

What kind of partner do you want? It bodes well to think of what you want in a partnership. What you value in a woman. Start to imagine and fantasize about "your perfect woman". Of course, no one is perfect, but by getting clear about what it is you are after, you clear the way, much more effectively than any of your negative thinking and feeling.

Imagine what it will feel like. Imagine the kinds of things you will do. Treat yourself with the kindness that you would like a woman to treat you with. You can only benefit from this kind of positive thinking, self talk and visualizing.

I had a long road to attracting the fulfilling relationship I'm now in. I allowed myself to be treated HORRIBLY for, literally, decades. Eventually I realised and I decided, that I didn't deserve such horrid treatment and that I could do better. I started to work on developing healthier boundaries and I started to think about what I wanted in a relationship.

I wanted someone who I could have stimulating conversations with. I wanted someone who enjoyed my company. I wanted someone who wanted to be with ME, not just a warm body that was willing to put up with whatever. I wanted someone who was secure enough to appreciate my intelligence, instead of resenting me for it or feeling threatened by it. I wanted someone who got me.

And, eventually, I got it.

Lots can be achieved by believing it's possible, and by valuing yourself enough to know that you are worthy of having it.

The other side if it is working on being someone who gives positive energy to other's. You can't expect to get it if you aren't able to give it.
And in order to give it you need to both be able to receive it and to be able to give to yourself.

Start noticing the awesome things about yourself. Cultivate appreciation for your strengths and acceptance of your not-strengths. We are all a work-in-progress. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone has strengths and areas that are yet to be developed.

Women look for a man who knows himself well enough that he's aware of his strengths and not too hung up on his not-strengths.

Everyone and anyone can cultivate attractive qualities, and the more comfortable you can become in yourself, the more attractive to other's you become.

Finally, relax a little! Good things come to those who trust and believe that good things are coming. How you apply your energy and your thoughts matters. What have you got to lose?

 

[Markness]

I agree entirely! Myself and my partner are both dealing with the weaponized children situation. Mine with the dad, and he with his daughter's mum, and his sons' mum put him through utter hell as well.
I can't tell you how much utter misery and loneliness I have been through with my kid's dad. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, if I had one.

So much better to work on your own inner wellbeing and development FIRST @Markness . Learn to treat yourself well and kindly and to value yourself so that you attract someone who will treat you well, as well.

What kind of partner do you want? It bodes well to think of what you want in a partnership. What you value in a woman. Start to imagine and fantasize about "your perfect woman". Of course, no one is perfect, but by getting clear about what it is you are after, you clear the way, much more effectively than any of your negative thinking and feeling.

Imagine what it will feel like. Imagine the kinds of things you will do. Treat yourself with the kindness that you would like a woman to treat you with. You can only benefit from this kind of positive thinking, self talk and visualizing.

I had a long road to attracting the fulfilling relationship I'm now in. I allowed myself to be treated HORRIBLY for, literally, decades. Eventually I realised and I decided, that I didn't deserve such horrid treatment and that I could do better. I started to work on developing healthier boundaries and I started to think about what I wanted in a relationship.

I wanted someone who I could have stimulating conversations with. I wanted someone who enjoyed my company. I wanted someone who wanted to be with ME, not just a warm body that was willing to put up with whatever. I wanted someone who was secure enough to appreciate my intelligence, instead of resenting me for it or feeling threatened by it. I wanted someone who got me.

And, eventually, I got it.

Lots can be achieved by believing it's possible, and by valuing yourself enough to know that you are worthy of having it.

The other side if it is working on being someone who gives positive energy to other's. You can't expect to get it if you aren't able to give it.
And in order to give it you need to both be able to receive it and to be able to give to yourself.

Start noticing the awesome things about yourself. Cultivate appreciation for your strengths and acceptance of your not-strengths. We are all a work-in-progress. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone has strengths and areas that are yet to be developed.

Women look for a man who knows himself well enough that he's aware of his strengths and not too hung up on his not-strengths.

Everyone and anyone can cultivate attractive qualities, and the more comfortable you can become in yourself, the more attractive to other's you become.

Finally, relax a little! Good things come to those who trust and believe that good things are coming. How you apply your energy and your thoughts matters. What have you got to lose?

For starters, I would be happy being in a relationship with a woman who is a fellow geek/nerd. Common interests would be good to have but she wouldn’t have to be interested in every single thing I am interested in.

 

[Misty Avich]

Even though I'm in a relationship I still don't have any chance of having a baby. My anxieties, low pain tolerance, emetophobia, and other things I don't wish to discuss here, are huge barriers. It's not like I'm choosing to not have children. I'm just feeling so isolated with all these newly parents around me, and I know it's FOMO (fear of missing out), and my cousin being childless before made me feel better about my lack of chances of having a baby. Now she's joined the "I'm a parent!" club and it just doesn't feel right. I grew up with her and we were close, and I could never imagine her having a baby. She doesn't seem the type.
I was always having dreams about her being pregnant and I'd wake up really relieved that it was only a dream. But this time it's happening for real.

And now that I've learnt about pregnant women taking folic acid, it's made me feel depressed, because I was wondering if my mum ever took folic acid when she was first pregnant with me. If she had, I might not have been born the way I am, instead I could have been an NT. And if I were NT I probably wouldn't be feeling like this. I'd probably just be super happy for my cousin while focusing on my own life. But no. I'm too conscientious.
I wouldn't mind having autism if I was more like a normal, stereotypical autistic, instead of being an Aspie with normal (NT) social desires and too conscientious of other people and knowing what I'm missing.
I view pregnancy as torture, and childbirth as painful as being put into the Brazen Bull.
Even when I feel nauseous I feel suicidal, like I just cannot face puking. I mean, just having a period makes me feel nauseous. Childbirth is like one massive period pain, and I get ill with monthly period pains. Giving birth, whether C-section or natural labour, will just kill me.

 

[kenaij]

Even though I'm in a relationship I still don't have any chance of having a baby. My anxieties, low pain tolerance, emetophobia, and other things I don't wish to discuss here, are huge barriers. It's not like I'm choosing to not have children. I'm just feeling so isolated with all these newly parents around me, and I know it's FOMO (fear of missing out), and my cousin being childless before made me feel better about my lack of chances of having a baby. Now she's joined the "I'm a parent!" club and it just doesn't feel right. I grew up with her and we were close, and I could never imagine her having a baby. She doesn't seem the type.
I was always having dreams about her being pregnant and I'd wake up really relieved that it was only a dream. But this time it's happening for real.

And now that I've learnt about pregnant women taking folic acid, it's made me feel depressed, because I was wondering if my mum ever took folic acid when she was first pregnant with me. If she had, I might not have been born the way I am, instead I could have been an NT. And if I were NT I probably wouldn't be feeling like this. I'd probably just be super happy for my cousin while focusing on my own life. But no. I'm too conscientious.
I wouldn't mind having autism if I was more like a normal, stereotypical autistic, instead of being an Aspie with normal (NT) social desires and too conscientious of other people and knowing what I'm missing.
I view pregnancy as torture, and childbirth as painful as being put into the Brazen Bull.
Even when I feel nauseous I feel suicidal, like I just cannot face puking. I mean, just having a period makes me feel nauseous. Childbirth is like one massive period pain, and I get ill with monthly period pains. Giving birth, whether C-section or natural labour, will just kill me.

Wondering if you would have been differen if your mother had taken folic acid will get to no where. If you would have taken a left turn instead of a right turn she might have ended up under a bus. Please consider this. As far as we know the number of autistic/ADHD or other neurotypical brains was not much higher when pregnant ladies did not take folic acid for many many many years before it became popular to take.
Your mother might not have taken a supplement but folic acid is a naturally occuring vitamine (B9) found in very common foods like bananas, nuts, seeds, broccoli, leafy greens, citrus fruits, eggs and legumes.
Supplementation just ensures you always have way more than enough, but it is perfectly possible to have plenty of B9 by just eating the foods you always eat.
I cannot comment on anything related to being pregnant. Since I have zero experience, aside from standing at the sidelines twice.

 

[Markness]

My mother has even told me she will always support my siblings if they have children but if I ever have any? She said she wouldn’t. She’s even said she wouldn’t love them.

 

[Markness]

Try considering it.

Give it some thought.

Take your time.

I am still uncertain.

 

[Levitat0r]

Before I left work today, I saw someone I used to attend the same school with come into the library. The last time I saw her was at a dance class (Something I was recommended to potentially meet women through but the endeavor was unproductive.) many years ago now with someone else who also went to the same school we did. I think they were learning to dance for their then upcoming marriage. When I saw her today, she had a little girl who was her daughter. I wish I could’ve mentioned that I had gotten married, too, and possibly had a child or two myself but I couldn’t.

I think the concept of adulthood is a little strange for us. We grow up, we still play D&D and video games. They grow up, they become "well-adjusted" to lying and keeping up appearances so that they can pay bills. I'll say it again, when they mature, they never stop giving wedgies. They refine their wedgie technique so that it's socially acceptable, like throwing you out of a diner, or denying you a job for which you would be qualified (if it didn't rely upon the hiring of crooks). This isn't set in stone, I'm not saying that everyone fits a stereotype. It's the way my life has played out; a tree by its fruit.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

My mother has even told me she will always support my siblings if they have children but if I ever have any? She said she wouldn’t. She’s even said she wouldn’t love them.

Wow that is sad. My mother said that if I had children, she would support them.

 

[tree]

I am still uncertain.

It sounds like you'd find it difficult to separate thoughts from feelings.

You'd feel conflicted acknowledging that a person you don't care for might
have something useful to say.

 

[MC1Rcat]

Even though I'm in a relationship I still don't have any chance of having a baby. My anxieties, low pain tolerance, emetophobia, and other things I don't wish to discuss here, are huge barriers. It's not like I'm choosing to not have children. I'm just feeling so isolated with all these newly parents around me, and I know it's FOMO (fear of missing out), and my cousin being childless before made me feel better about my lack of chances of having a baby. Now she's joined the "I'm a parent!" club and it just doesn't feel right. I grew up with her and we were close, and I could never imagine her having a baby. She doesn't seem the type.
I was always having dreams about her being pregnant and I'd wake up really relieved that it was only a dream. But this time it's happening for real.

And now that I've learnt about pregnant women taking folic acid, it's made me feel depressed, because I was wondering if my mum ever took folic acid when she was first pregnant with me. If she had, I might not have been born the way I am, instead I could have been an NT. And if I were NT I probably wouldn't be feeling like this. I'd probably just be super happy for my cousin while focusing on my own life. But no. I'm too conscientious.
I wouldn't mind having autism if I was more like a normal, stereotypical autistic, instead of being an Aspie with normal (NT) social desires and too conscientious of other people and knowing what I'm missing.
I view pregnancy as torture, and childbirth as painful as being put into the Brazen Bull.
Even when I feel nauseous I feel suicidal, like I just cannot face puking. I mean, just having a period makes me feel nauseous. Childbirth is like one massive period pain, and I get ill with monthly period pains. Giving birth, whether C-section or natural labour, will just kill me.

Please don't torture yourself with that thought....
I have studied and worked for years in the field of nutritional biochemistry, specifically focusing on high risk pregnancy. Folic acid is a special interest of mine. It is mainly taken before and during pregnancy to prevent neural tube defects and spina bifida. It does not prevent autism. Plenty of women who are getting enough folate/ folic acid still have children who have ASD. In fact, the rates of autism have continued to increase despite the mandated fortification of grains and commercially made foods in the USA, since 1998. Most women take prenatal vitamins, and because foods are fortified with it, many people unknowingly get too much folic acid these days! Yet, the rates of autism continue to climb.

As far as pregnancy goes, I spend a lot of time in clinic and the labor & delivery ward......I have seen a lot of different women have good experiences, as well as bad experiences with their pregnancy, labor and delivery. Like you, I also would not ever want to go through some of the scary things I have seen, and have no desire to bear children, due to a severe neurological disability. Yet, I have found it fascinating to observe a change that I see in most of the mothers, especially 1st time moms. It is something that amazes me each time I see the transformation. Every one of the women have an incredible amount of inner strength and resolve when a crisis arises ....regardless of how scared they are. A lot of the high risk (diabetic, pre eclampsia, other chronic health problems that make pregnancy & delivery risky) moms are very scared by the whole experience of pregnancy, and the unknown of how their labor / delivery will be. Each new phase of the pregnancy and any complications that arise bring even more things that they worry over and must adjust to. However, somehow, in the end, they all resolve to do what they must, and bravely endure the difficulties. They will go through anything, no matter how scary it has gotten, and still be very happy in the end when the baby has arrived. It is all somehow worth it to them. That is something that has impressed me the most. It is truly miraculous to see what some of these high risk moms are so bravely enduring. It just reminds me of all of the stories we hear of women performing herculean tasks in order to save their children from danger...lifting cars or huge obstacles. I have also learned that a lot of what a woman experiences, regardless of the ease or difficulty of her pregnancy and birthing, has more to do with her expectations: anxieties and fears vs calmly resolving/ deciding to persevere through the difficulties in order to have their baby. For the ones who want a baby bad enough, anything is possible. So, if you really, really want a baby, I am sure you would be able to do it. Somewhere inside you is the primal strength of a mother who would do anything to save her child... plus epidurals or anesthesia always takes care of the pain

 

[Misty Avich]

It's just I read on Google that taking folic acid can lessen the risk of autism in an unborn baby. But not sure if it's just false information. I feel I can't trust what Google says any more.
But my mum must have taken something, because I do have strong bones. I've never broken a bone in my life and my bones seem very strong and on the heavy side (even though I don't look big-boned).

It's not just my fears and anxieties stopping me getting pregnant. My husband is too old and has lost his sex drive. And before anyone says "don't be married to an older man then", one thing is I love him, and when I first met him was 10 years ago and I wasn't bothered about having children at all back then, and I'm not going to just divorce and leave just to find someone younger so I can have a baby. That would be a selfish move.
Also being so 99% of autistic mothers seem to have children on the spectrum (except for my autistic friend whose son is actually neurotypical) I don't particularly want to pass this curse on to my child. I caused so much stress and grief for my mother over the years, that she ended up getting cancer (tests revealed it wasn't genetic, so was probably caused by stress, which was caused by me). Autistic children can be a huge burden on the parents.

I am actually very traumatized by my own autism, which is why I often express hate and shame about it (but not about autistic people).

 

[Levitat0r]

It's just I read on Google that taking folic acid can lessen the risk of autism in an unborn baby. But not sure if it's just false information. I feel I can't trust what Google says any more.
But my mum must have taken something, because I do have strong bones. I've never broken a bone in my life and my bones seem very strong and on the heavy side (even though I don't look big-boned).

It's not just my fears and anxieties stopping me getting pregnant. My husband is too old and has lost his sex drive. And before anyone says "don't be married to an older man then", one thing is I love him, and when I first met him was 10 years ago and I wasn't bothered about having children at all back then, and I'm not going to just divorce and leave just to find someone younger so I can have a baby. That would be a selfish move.
Also being so 99% of autistic mothers seem to have children on the spectrum (except for my autistic friend whose son is actually neurotypical) I don't particularly want to pass this curse on to my child. I caused so much stress and grief for my mother over the years, that she ended up getting cancer (tests revealed it wasn't genetic, so was probably caused by stress, which was caused by me). Autistic children can be a huge burden on the parents.

I am actually very traumatized by my own autism, which is why I often express hate and shame about it (but not about autistic people).

I'm sorry to hear you feel that way, Misty. I wish you so much love and support. You continue to express discomfort in your own skin and a fear of or disappointment in your own nature, and that hurts to hear. I think that if the world were fair and caring, you would receive enough support from others to be happy. I don't blame you. I don't blame God. I blame the people who don't care enough to comfort you and give you peace that you're accepted.

I don't in the least regret the way I am, but I understand the experience varies a lot from person to person. I'd love to hear about what it is that's weighing on you. After accepting myself, I've become fascinated with others' challenges, wanting to know what it's like to be them, because than you can be a friend and good company to someone; by being close to their perspective and knowing their struggles.

 

[Misty Avich]

Thanks for understanding. I keep having the urge to get my husband in the right mood to make a baby, ignoring all my fears of sickness and pain. But then as soon as I feel nauseous, I immediately think "actually, no, I don't want a baby, best I don't." But right now, because I'm not feeling nauseous at this very minute, I suddenly become brave again and think "actually, yeah, I think I could do this."
I really envy my cousin, as she's the type of person to be unfazed by anything, like she doesn't have many emotions. She was in a violent, abusive relationship for 10 years (not now) but came out of it completely unfazed, and there I was preparing to help get her all the PTSD support she needed. But she didn't have an ounce of PTSD. Which is good, but odd. So being pregnant, giving birth and having a baby probably won't faze her either. I wish I was like that. I have PTSD from things that weren't even abuse-related. I'm extremely conscientious, while my cousin is the polar opposite.

 

[Misty Avich]

I've been told on the other forum that I would be an abusive parent because I said I wouldn't want my child to have autism. But then if I hoped or wished my child was on the spectrum then I'd also be called an abusive parent. I don't think they know the meaning the word ''abusive parent''. They called my mother an abusive parent just because she hit me during a mother-daughter scuffle we sometimes had during my outbursts. It wasn't like an abusive hit, it was just on the arm as a way to tell me to pull myself together. Honestly, my overemotional behaviour was enough to drive anyone insane. She was not abusive in any way at all.