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Seeking advice

P

partnerofanaspie

Active Member
I'm new to this site and have been referred to it by a friend.

I have a partner who is an Aspie. I love him dearly and try to educate myself as much as I can on Aspergers. However I am still having difficulty coming to terms with and even admitting to myself that he truly is an Aspie. I try to show support as much as I can, but it feels like it's not enough. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
 
Welcome I am an aspie who is engaged with a partner who is going through the same thing you are. When we got engaged I had never heard of aspegers so it is a learning curve for both of us. It is great you found you way here there are a lot of supportive and helpful people on here, I am still trying to get my partner to get on here because there are heaps of people who have gone though what we are going through and can advise the best courses of action.
 
I think what's important to keep in mind that despite Asperger's being a condition that has a list of traits that are often accompanied by it, it's a list of traits that are mostly what mental health professionals will look for. Such a list by itself doesn't necessarily lend itself to treat and support any and all aspies in terms of accommodation and understanding. What I often read is that people want to offer support based on common traits as indexed for a book like the DSM IV.

Offering support might benefit more if people would treat people on the spectrum more like anyone else rather than "my friend with Asperger's".

It is not to say that looking at common traits is wrong, but too many people keep to that list and work from there, rather than talk to an individual and see what works best, based on that list of common traits.

A lot of people on this forum are on the spectrum but we still all have our own "manual" so to say. There's enough diversity within the autism community by itself. Seeing what works for a partner is something that's best figured out with a lot of patience.
 
King_Oni is right--we're all unique. There's a saying, "if you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism."

My marriage of seven years recently ended, and one of the wedges that drove us further apart occurred when I realized that I am an Aspie and I started to accept that about myself. I'm pretty sure she just didn't like the label, because it made her feel like she was married to some kind of retard. But I was the same person I always was! If anything, I became more comfortable with myself.

Keep in mind that I'm not commenting on your relationship here, but the problem in mine was that she never actually loved or even liked "all of me" in the first place, just the part of me that was a good partner to her. So, really, anything I did that wasn't focused on her wasn't acceptable to her. I'm assuming your relationship isn't that codependent and dysfunctional! :)

So what was it that drew you to your partner in the first place?
 
Hello and welcome:smiley: we all abit different in or own was. it might be a case of learning and growing with your partner. If your willing to accept them as having aspergers and are the same person before, your off to a great start.

Out of couriosity did you meet the person before a diagnosis?
 
Welcome :)

I'm sure we'll be able to help you out. Perhaps the best way to go about it is to share stories, so that we may analyse them for you. Otherwise, feel free to look around, and ask many questions.

There's also the recommend resources section you can browse:
Resources | AspiesCentral.com
 
Well I didn't know it at the time but I'm the aspie. I thought it sounded familiar. I am so glad you made it sweetie!
 
I'm glad that you're seeking advice here to help yourself and your partner, its a great step in the right direction. One thing I'd like to point out is that knowing someone has aspergers or is on the spectrum, its not some huge thing. Its them, its their life and all they've known. They're no different from before they found out be it professionally or self diagnosed. I dislike the phrase 'has aspergers'. Its not something horrendously debilitating, its just a different way of thinking and operating and looking at the world. It doesn't change anything or anyone, rather the diagnosis/revelation is to provide understanding and self-knowledge.

You said you wanted advice? I'm not sure where to really start cause you didn't say much in detail. You said you've done your research, have you talked to him about it? The internet can provide a wealth of symptoms and issues, but everyone is different and only he can tell you what he has trouble with and what he gets just fine. Some are better socially than others and some have sensory issues. A lot have issues with depression and anxiety, too. Personally, i never even realized i had sensory issues until i started reading up on it and everything just started to make sense to me.
 
If he hasn't already done so, I would connect him with a therapist that specializes in this area. It would also be great if you could join in on sessions to gain perspective. Good luck!
 
I've been married to an NT for 30 years (this year).

I've always thought we've had a pretty successful marriage.

The reasons:

a. My husband is really good at communicating.

b. He taught me how to communicate with him - he brought me out of my 'shell'.

c. We've always made our relationship our #1 priority.

d. We've always had a lot of sex. (Even when I didn't 'feel' like it. I put his needs before my selfishness. This changed as we got older - both of our desires have cooled off somewhat.) It's important!

e. We communicate a lot! ie. We work through disagreements and misunderstandings.

f. We go on walks together.We've always had a regular 'date night' or 'date afternoon.'

g. We both compromise for the sake of the other.

h. Even if I don't enjoy his hobbies I 'pretend' to be interested.

I. We both know marriage is a lot of work! (Some single people don't seem to get this.) We don't expect it to be easy.

There's probably more but it's getting late.

I think these things are true for any relationship. Each one is different. Know yourself and each other and respect your differences (even the ones you don't like.)

We enjoy one another's company!

Cheers
 
islandria said:
I've been married to an NT for 30 years (this year).

I've always thought we've had a pretty successful marriage.

The reasons:

a. My husband is really good at communicating.

b. He taught me how to communicate with him - he brought me out of my 'shell'.

c. We've always made our relationship our #1 priority.

d. We've always had a lot of sex. (Even when I didn't 'feel' like it. I put his needs before my selfishness. This changed as we got older - both of our desires have cooled off somewhat.) It's important!

e. We communicate a lot! ie. We work through disagreements and misunderstandings.

f. We go on walks together.We've always had a regular 'date night' or 'date afternoon.'

g. We both compromise for the sake of the other.

h. Even if I don't enjoy his hobbies I 'pretend' to be interested.

I. We both know marriage is a lot of work! (Some single people don't seem to get this.) We don't expect it to be easy.

There's probably more but it's getting late.

I think these things are true for any relationship. Each one is different. Know yourself and each other and respect your differences (even the ones you don't like.)

We enjoy one another's company!

Cheers
Click to expand...
Thanks heaps I try to put that into practice
 
Sorry for the late reply everyone (still a little confused as how too operate this app).

Thank you all for such great advice.

When my partner first discovered and told me he has Aspergers, he informed me that he would understand if I left him. That brought a tear to my eye. I told him that the fact that he's an Aspie has not and will not change my love for him. I will continue to love and support him. That is why I have joined AC - so we can work together as a team.

Thanks again everyone :)
 
Daniel said:
King_Oni is right--we're all unique. There's a saying, "if you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism."

My marriage of seven years recently ended, and one of the wedges that drove us further apart occurred when I realized that I am an Aspie and I started to accept that about myself. I'm pretty sure she just didn't like the label, because it made her feel like she was married to some kind of retard. But I was the same person I always was! If anything, I became more comfortable with myself.

Keep in mind that I'm not commenting on your relationship here, but the problem in mine was that she never actually loved or even liked "all of me" in the first place, just the part of me that was a good partner to her. So, really, anything I did that wasn't focused on her wasn't acceptable to her. I'm assuming your relationship isn't that codependent and dysfunctional! :)

So what was it that drew you to your partner in the first place?
Click to expand...

Just my 2 cents to your comment about your wife not loving "all of me". Before I found out that I was an aspie, i felt the same way. But my wife and i talked a lot about this topic afterward, and I realized that the reason why it felt that way is because my quirkiness appears unusual to NTs, and she didn't want others to think that i was inmature or an idiot. Mind you, I have my childish playfulness side as well as my serious side.

Maybe it is not the same for you, but thought i share this. :)
 
partnerofanaspie said:
Sorry for the late reply everyone (still a little confused as how too operate this app).

Thank you all for such great advice.

When my partner first discovered and told me he has Aspergers, he informed me that he would understand if I left him. That brought a tear to my eye. I told him that the fact that he's an Aspie has not and will not change my love for him. I will continue to love and support him. That is why I have joined AC - so we can work together as a team.

Thanks again everyone :)
Click to expand...

Wow...what you just wrote here reflects exactly what had happened with me.
I have been diagnosed with Asperger a couple of months ago. When I broke the news to my wife, i also told her that I would understand if she had left me, because this is a hell of a lot for anyone to take in. She reacted the same way you did.

My wife said that she had never really felt a deep connection or love from my side, even though I love her to death in my heart. And because of this, I rather that she moves on and find happiness from someone else that can show her love. In an aspie sort of a way, it is my ultimate way I can show her that I love her. Of course, she didn't see it this way.

To my surprise, she has been really supportive and she had been trying it all to help us make this work. We are trying our darnest to make things work right now.

I am guessing this is how your partner must be thinking. He must be feeling guilty to drag you through all this.

Let him know that you guys can really work through this. Or at least try really really really hard to make it work.
A good book that I am using is called "The Asperger Couple's Workbook" by Maxine Aston.
From the same author, there is another book...i think it is called "the other side of asperger" Look that up as well.

You guys will learn a lot from reading this and doing the exercises together. It may not be an easy journey, but at least understanding how to communicate and how each other work is the first step.

Good luck
 
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asman said:
Just my 2 cents to your comment about your wife not loving "all of me". Before I found out that I was an aspie, i felt the same way. But my wife and i talked a lot about this topic afterward, and I realized that the reason why it felt that way is because my quirkiness appears unusual to NTs, and she didn't want others to think that i was inmature or an idiot. Mind you, I have my childish playfulness side as well as my serious side.

Maybe it is not the same for you, but thought i share this. :)
Click to expand...

I appreciate your response! Thanks. :)

No, it wasn't the same. We had deeper issues--we were co-dependent addicts. And she resented me in a lot of ways, right from the start--especially my talents.

She couldn't help it, and I knew that and understood why, so I didn't hold it against her. We actually communicated quite well when we had issues--well enough to stay together eleven years!
 
So when I discovered I was an Aspie a few weeks ago I told my wife. We've been married almost a year now. Her reaction: "yeah, I know. What are you making for dinner?" LOL! Well I see a lot of people don't get that reaction, and she's a saint for it. However, that's kind of the right attitude. When we learn we are Aspies, we have not changed as much as we have become aware of some differences we have with the NT world. Much comes into perspective and life becomes more transparent. After some discussion and reading about who I am I have learned how to navigate my marriage better. Also I have learned not to be confused with myself. I just don't empathize with her, even if I understand cognitively what she's feeling 100%. It doesn't mean I don't care or love her; it means that I am able to help her in a unique way, for as I am less affected by emotion I can focus on comfort and resolution.

Anyways, some things Joel does will simply baffle you perhaps! How could he ever be so harsh, insensitive or indignant!! With an Aspie you have to know what we feel, believe and assume. We are exceedingly loyal and have lived in a world that has not accepted us, so when we are accepted we cherish the relationship in a way that many other people do not. So when (not if) we sound harsh, commandeering, overly pragmatic or just plain uncaring, do know that it stems from the same compassion and love it would from an NT. We do try to manage ourselves in the NT world but sometimes we just want to be ourselves, and as a partner of an Aspie, like my wife, we ask y'all to interpret our words sometimes and translate them in your minds. We have to be "on" for the world all of the time, and we'd love it to let our guards down at home with someone willing to take a chance on understanding us.

Hope that helps, seeing as how I can't empathize anyways, LOL!
 
reveric15 said:
So when I discovered I was an Aspie a few weeks ago I told my wife. We've been married almost a year now. Her reaction: "yeah, I know. What are you making for dinner?" LOL! Well I see a lot of people don't get that reaction, and she's a saint for it. However, that's kind of the right attitude. When we learn we are Aspies, we have not changed as much as we have become aware of some differences we have with the NT world. Much comes into perspective and life becomes more transparent. After some discussion and reading about who I am I have learned how to navigate my marriage better. Also I have learned not to be confused with myself. I just don't empathize with her, even if I understand cognitively what she's feeling 100%. It doesn't mean I don't care or love her; it means that I am able to help her in a unique way, for as I am less affected by emotion I can focus on comfort and resolution.

Anyways, some things Joel does will simply baffle you perhaps! How could he ever be so harsh, insensitive or indignant!! With an Aspie you have to know what we feel, believe and assume. We are exceedingly loyal and have lived in a world that has not accepted us, so when we are accepted we cherish the relationship in a way that many other people do not. So when (not if) we sound harsh, commandeering, overly pragmatic or just plain uncaring, do know that it stems from the same compassion and love it would from an NT. We do try to manage ourselves in the NT world but sometimes we just want to be ourselves, and as a partner of an Aspie, like my wife, we ask y'all to interpret our words sometimes and translate them in your minds. We have to be "on" for the world all of the time, and we'd love it to let our guards down at home with someone willing to take a chance on understanding us.

Hope that helps, seeing as how I can't empathize anyways, LOL!
Click to expand...
Thanks you understand well. I hope and pray all goes well you you and your wife on this fun journey.
 
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