Seeking advice

[Elsbett]

I joined for your very same reason, but also because I hope our point of view might be of help to someone.

 

[Waltsingmatilda]

Wow...what you just wrote here reflects exactly what had happened with me.
I have been diagnosed with Asperger a couple of months ago. When I broke the news to my wife, i also told her that I would understand if she had left me, because this is a hell of a lot for anyone to take in. She reacted the same way you did.

My wife said that she had never really felt a deep connection or love from my side, even though I love her to death in my heart. And because of this, I rather that she moves on and find happiness from someone else that can show her love. In an aspie sort of a way, it is my ultimate way I can show her that I love her. Of course, she didn't see it this way.

To my surprise, she has been really supportive and she had been trying it all to help us make this work. We are trying our darnest to make things work right now.

I am guessing this is how your partner must be thinking. He must be feeling guilty to drag you through all this.

Let him know that you guys can really work through this. Or at least try really really really hard to make it work.
A good book that I am using is called "The Asperger Couple's Workbook" by Maxine Aston.
From the same author, there is another book...i think it is called "the other side of asperger" Look that up as well.

You guys will learn a lot from reading this and doing the exercises together. It may not be an easy journey, but at least understanding how to communicate and how each other work is the first step.

Good luck

Hi there, I too am married And have been with my partner for about 28 years, we didn't realise that he had Aspergers until my eldest son was diagnosed in 2008. We have had a very happy marriage with three children, but like every marriage, there are problems, mainly understanding each other. You need to keep positive and keep the lines of communication open. I still love him more than ever and it was his unique nature that drew me to him. He is kind and a great father, but sometime I have to tell him what I am feeling and be very exact. the biggest problem we seem to have is not taking what the other person says negatively. At the moment we are working hard again at the marriage and I would like to thank you for your comment .

 

[asman]

Hi there, I too am married And have been with my partner for about 28 years, we didn't realise that he had Aspergers until my eldest son was diagnosed in 2008. We have had a very happy marriage with three children, but like every marriage, there are problems, mainly understanding each other. You need to keep positive and keep the lines of communication open. I still love him more than ever and it was his unique nature that drew me to him. He is kind and a great father, but sometime I have to tell him what I am feeling and be very exact. the biggest problem we seem to have is not taking what the other person says negatively. At the moment we are working hard again at the marriage and I would like to thank you for your comment .

Thanks for your comment, Waltsingmatilda. I agree with you. Communication is important. Not only that, but the way your message is communicated as Aspies and NT have different set of languages. Like this morning, my wife and I had a little spat. She thought something was wrong and kept asking me again and again what was wrong. I kept answering (again and again), "nothing". I got really annoyed and just told her that i was tired so to get her off my case. Of course, she got upset, and we had our going back and forth. She then told me that i should've said something like, "Please don't worry, there is nothing wrong". I told her to me that sentence and the word "nothing" meant the same for me. She said that this is not the case for NT. So...now i have to learn to communicate this way. Unfortunately, i see that by saying "nothing" as more efficient than saying a sentence that has more than 6 words in it. I know this is not the reason for not trying. It is my way of joking. But seriously, i need to learn not to get upset when my wife asks me stuff repeatedly. I need to see that it is because my answer is not getting across to her, and just ask her why she is asking me repeatedly.

We are working hard at this as well. I just hope she has the energy to keep on going. I feel so bad for her at times.