Seeking help for my 11 year old son.

[Annunaki]

I definitely ask him questions, give him perspectives of other people's feelings . A part of his reflections are actually writing down a written reflection of how you're going to improve your behavior, and what you're going to do next time you may be in the same situation. I myself don't fall on the spectrum, but I do have anxiety, ptsd, and depression, which doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I believe my son is both Aspie and ADHD, but it's difficult to receive the correct support for him and myself when I can't get a solid diagnosis. I'm thinking about finding a comminity support group locally to attend in the meantime. He's getting to the age where he's just about to hit puberty. So I know understanding him and the correct way of communicating is vital. My sons father is very anti medication. Because he is ADHD as well. He abhors even the notion that he may be austistic. So there is no dual support. He won't give him his meds on the weekends he goes with him. He even went as far as making my son flush them down the toilet and say he didn't want to take them any more. My son lasted about 2 weeks before he was getting into physical fights every day at school. I'm sure if he wasn't in a special education class he would have been suspended or expelled. I think his meds help tremendously. Especially the antidepressant. The only thing that worries me is that he's about to hit puberty and the adderall will effect his growth.

 

[Annunaki]

The "time out" idea is great. I used to do it for the both of us when he was a toddler-age 6 probably. It's very easy for things to go from 0-100 so I think implementing that again will do major good. I know In the moment he doesn't consider other peoples feelings , but I do from observing him believe that he does have empathy later for others. Or that's how it appears to me anyway. Thank you for chiming in.

Some of what you described reminds me of my daughter. At lease the conversation trying to correct him, and how it escalated. When my daughter was younger we went through a very hard time communicating with each other. When we discussed things she was not intentionally being obstinate, disrespectful, rude, and snotty she just really did not understand what I was saying, but it was still very offensive and hurt me. We started using a time out for our discussions. At anytime we could take a timeout, and either of us could call it. It did not stop the correction she needed, but it gave us both a chance to regroup and calm down. That helped us a lot. I also had to figure out how to get her to understand what I was telling her. That is not easy because even though she is incredibly smart and intelligent she does not understand human interactions at all.

 

[Annunaki]

I can't say I've never spanked him, a lot of the time when I just act like im going to he gets very frightened. So I've come to the conclusion that it's more harmful than helpful for him. It sounds terrible growing up, being beaten constantly. I've never treated him in such a way, and couldn't imagine the damage that it does to someone with Austism. I can see how it's easy for a parent to react in that way. But also wise enough to know that it doesn't do any good for a child to be abused.

anunnaki,you wondered how autism and ADHD differ,plain ADHD doesnt meet the 'triad of impairment' criteria that autism does, yes ADHD can cause social issues often due to hyperactive behavior and not having an inner filter that stops them from knowing an actions consequences before hand.

autism causes social issues by the individual lacking understanding in how to understand social rules,the social world is very alien to autists.
they lack understanding on building and maintaining relationships etc,it will usually always be awkward and never natural to them even if they manage to successfully live among NTs without them knowing the diagnosis.

as for punishment,id never recommend hitting/smacking of any form.
i am LFA and was also diagnosed severe combined ADHD in my youth but i lost the physical hyperactivity as an adult, i was hit,beaten with fists and hard back books,slippers,belts etc for every behavior and difficulty of mine and i had no idea why these strange humans in my life were beating me,they helped to start a lifetime of severe depression.
i was also beaten at school with wooden rulers and i had no idea why,i started rebelling and beating the teachers up the second they lifted a ruler above me so i was rarely in the class room,i was most often suspended or on 'formal report' and in the head masters office,on the floor in my own world.
i started attacking my dad everytime he came to hit me.

i totally disagree with hitting of any form in kids with autism/special needs as we often have a different way of thinking and that can impact on our ability to understand and connect our percieved behavior to a consequence.
i grew up very severely challenging and have always required so much medication to sedate my behaviors, and i dont know if that was to do with my severe classic autism or if my dads agressive behavior towards me played a part in it.

 

[toothless]

I can't say I've never spanked him, a lot of the time when I just act like im going to he gets very frightened. So I've come to the conclusion that it's more harmful than helpful for him. It sounds terrible growing up, being beaten constantly. I've never treated him in such a way, and couldn't imagine the damage that it does to someone with Austism. I can see how it's easy for a parent to react in that way. But also wise enough to know that it doesn't do any good for a child to be abused.

you sound like a very good parent annunaki, and you know better than most what would work.
i understand it must be very difficult and emotional dealing with a child with challenging behaviors-i know it was especially for my mum who never hit me once while sober and used to shout at my dad for abusing me but she cried as she couldnt cope and she didnt know how to deal with me,i was finally let go and institutionalised at 18.

you just have to look outside of the box when it comes to autistic/ADHD kids; before the behaviors show it might be good to get some 'social stories' to help understand-if you need any help with this just put the word @ before my nickname and it will prompt me to visit quicker-ive got a website saved somewhere thats got a ton of autistic social stories on i think, you can get things like sensory timers or visual timers on tablets that help with waiting problems;i have these.

 

[the_tortoise]

I definitely ask him questions, give him perspectives of other people's feelings . A part of his reflections are actually writing down a written reflection of how you're going to improve your behavior, and what you're going to do next time you may be in the same situation.

That's awesome you do that.

How does he do with strategies? Does he get help coming up with them? Is he able to use the ones he decides on?

I think it's really important for him (and/or you) to work out why he's behaving the way he is.....because if you don't know the real cause(s) of behaviors then your strategies for changing them may not be effective. For example, if meltdowns/outbursts were being caused by sensory overload, you'd need to improve his ability to cope with the sensory issues before you could expect the meltdowns/outbursts to stop.

I myself don't fall on the spectrum, but I do have anxiety, ptsd, and depression, which doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I understand how that would make it extra difficult!

My sons father is very anti medication. Because he is ADHD as well. He abhors even the notion that he may be austistic. So there is no dual support. He won't give him his meds on the weekends he goes with him. He even went as far as making my son flush them down the toilet and say he didn't want to take them any more.

Wow, that's that's a really awful position for your son and you to be in.

The only thing that worries me is that he's about to hit puberty and the adderall will effect his growth.

I don't know if he's already tried them but there are non-stimulant medications for ADHD that work well for some people. Atomoxetine (strattera) is one of them.