Self diagnosed at 22, and no idea how to move on

[GoldenWanderer]

Well, I'm obviously a new member. I'm 22 years old, and I'm a self diagnosed High functioning autistic.

I've never knowingly communicated with another on the ASD spectrum, so I don't know all the norms of ASD, but from a young age, I knew I was different. I couldn't explain it, but I just knew I was different then other children. I often struggled to control my anger, and I'd feel out of control when I was angry. I would try to explain what I experienced to my parents, but they wrote me off telling me I was making it up and these things were silly.

As I grew older, I began to notice heightened differences in my social behavior to others. For as long as I remember, I dealt with intensified anxiety and anger, and at a young age, I had trouble relating to other children my age, and didn't enjoy playing with toys like they did. I found myself often angered or irritated at things that weren't perfect Mirror images of each other and other things of the sort.

I remember around middle school, the anxiety became worse, and depression started to wash over me. It started with thoughts of "I'm so different and don't fit in with anyone," and slowly, the thoughts became darker as I struggled to fit in socially. By 8th grade, I was far to interested in death, and by 9th, I realized I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to be alive. This thought changed my life.

Into high school. I struggled to date, and found I didn't relate to anyone. I felt bullied, rejected, and had very few friends.

Around the age of 17, I started smoking marijuana, maybe once a month. My friends had all smoked for years, but I always felt paranoid and stuck to the rules. At 18, it was once a week I was smoking, typically to deal with heightened stress, anxiety, feelings of loss and suicide, and all around displeasure with my life.

At 18, I got into two relationships. One of which broke my trust in others. The next broke my trust in myself. I distinctly remember laying on a couch with a girl cuddling, and I wanted to kiss her. For 15 minutes, we just laid there, and I panicked. I couldn't control it. I knew it was irrational, but I couldn't control it. She finally said, "Are you okay? I can hear your heart beat like a bass line." This changed my perspective of myself forever.

The first girl I really dated, we were never really official. I was head over heels for her, until she asked me to lie to her parents about her staying at her ex fiancé's house one night. The next girl is the one with the story about being on couch and my bass line of a heart beat. We dated for two weeks unofficially and three weeks offially. I broke it off because I realized I didn't have the emotional capability or the ability to process these emotions in other people. I convinced myself I was an asshole, and chose out of dating.

Side bar:
I apologize for the lengthy post, but I've never been able to tell my story. My parents thought I made up my ADD and anxiety. They tried to suffocate me with spirituality which I never understood. I watched so hundreds of people grow from spiritual experiences while I sat there over analyzing everything.


Anyways, after all that, I went to college, because that's what people do. That's what my parents wanted from me. I got decent grades all through school, but I never studied, not even once. It all just seemed logical to me, especially math, but I never felt like I was supposed to be in school. I struggled to talk to people around me, and I struggled to find the motivation.

Around this time, I met the girl that broke me forever. I was suicidal at the times and she saved me. Just by knowing her. She saved me. She became my best friend, which was difficult for her considering her 2 year serious relationship with her boyfriend. She was the only person I'd ever opened up to, which is the exact reason I don't do that anymore. One day she told me she was in love with me. A week later, she told me she could never speak to me again.

I dropped into depression. I attempted suicide more than once. I began smoking weed daily, because it made things okay. It didn't fix things, and it didn't magically make me happy or make things better, but it made me okay with being alive. I've been smoking daily since.

It's been two years now. In those two years, I thought I was crazy. I almost checked myself into a mental hospital. I started researching mental illness and ended up on an autism page (which I'm aware is not an "illness"). Nothing had ever made more sense. I started trying psychedelics such as lsd and mushrooms. They changed my life. I still struggled with depression and anxiety every day of my life, but these experiences made me realize that this is my life and it's okay to be different.

That being said, I do struggle daily with autism, and I feel hopeless. I'm afraid I'll be alone my entire life. I'm afraid I'll never be able to go back to school, hold a job down, or be able to handle things on my own.

I have recently seen a celebrated holistic doctor who agreed with my diagnosis, but was unable to provide me with a formal diagnosis, but she pointed me in the right direction. I'm in the process of getting some brain scans, lab tests, and eventually a heavy metals test done (to remove any heavy metals that may have been absorbed with vaccines at an early age. Yes I believe in that ****).

Anyways, I know this post has jumped around a lot, but I just needed an outlet. I feel like I'm going to die alone. I still feel misunderstood by my family and friends even after explaining it all to them. It's hard to be okay with a family that wrote me off for years and to find out at age 22 I'm autistic. I hate them for it, but I can't hate them because it's logical. I'm really struggling. i guess my intention of this post is to ask, what helps you with day to day life? I struggle to get out of bed. On
My days off, I sleep 4 hours and lay in bed for another 6-8. I struggle to eat. I struggle to sleep, and I really want nothing more than to die, but I'm to logical to kill myself. Any suggestions?

Thank you to anyone who's still reading. I know I probably over shared. I do that a lot. I also know my thoughts are often jumbled and hard to follow for others, so I appreciate anyone still here. I hope to learn much from this community, and hope someone can help me in one way or another. Thank you.

Edit: I want to add as well, a year and a half ago, I bought a Golden Retriever puppy as an emotional support dog. I had two golden's growing up, and they were my best friends. The only time I cried between the age of 13 to 18 was when they died or I thought about them after they died. Getting my dog was the single most important thing in my life, and is the only reason I haven't been able to kill myself; she needs me. I guess I'd just figure I'd throw that in there.

 

[tree]

 

[MonolithImmortal]

Welcome.

Be warned that treatments to remove heavy metals from the body (chelation therapy) is very dangerous and you should fully read up on the risks before agreeing to do something like that.

As far as suggestions concerning your depression. See a professional psychiatrist who can get you started on an anti-depressant. It doesn't have to be permanent but it can give you a kickstart in working with other therapies that will help more in the long run (CBT, talk therapy) as well as start practices that will help your overall mental health (better diet, exercise, meditation etc).

Severe depression isn't something to take lightly, and there's nothing wrong taking pharmaceuticals to help. It's just a tool, its not the cure.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Streetwise]

have you been poisoned so severely you are dying
chelation is for poisoning of any chemical
and will hammer your kidneys and liver- if not go and get psychiatric therapy possibly a therapist who understands autism there arent many
IM suicidal quite frequently this is advice for the future change your ssri every couple of years they become less effective as you become used to them .
as you are suicidal tell them that !they have to monitor your emotional perception to prevent overdose
go out of the house everyday even if depression is bad daylight helps your body regulate itself that doesnt mean force yourself to find a group of people just walk slowly
being with nature is healing

Well, I'm obviously a new member. I'm 22 years old, and I'm a self diagnosed High functioning autistic.

I've never knowingly communicated with another on the ASD spectrum, so I don't know all the norms of ASD, but from a young age, I knew I was different. I couldn't explain it, but I just knew I was different then other children. I often struggled to control my anger, and I'd feel out of control when I was angry. I would try to explain what I experienced to my parents, but they wrote me off telling me I was making it up and these things were silly.

As I grew older, I began to notice heightened differences in my social behavior to others. For as long as I remember, I dealt with intensified anxiety and anger, and at a young age, I had trouble relating to other children my age, and didn't enjoy playing with toys like they did. I found myself often angered or irritated at things that weren't perfect Mirror images of each other and other things of the sort.

I remember around middle school, the anxiety became worse, and depression started to wash over me. It started with thoughts of "I'm so different and don't fit in with anyone," and slowly, the thoughts became darker as I struggled to fit in socially. By 8th grade, I was far to interested in death, and by 9th, I realized I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to be alive. This thought changed my life.

Into high school. I struggled to date, and found I didn't relate to anyone. I felt bullied, rejected, and had very few friends.

Around the age of 17, I started smoking marijuana, maybe once a month. My friends had all smoked for years, but I always felt paranoid and stuck to the rules. At 18, it was once a week I was smoking, typically to deal with heightened stress, anxiety, feelings of loss and suicide, and all around displeasure with my life.

At 18, I got into two relationships. One of which broke my trust in others. The next broke my trust in myself. I distinctly remember laying on a couch with a girl cuddling, and I wanted to kiss her. For 15 minutes, we just laid there, and I panicked. I couldn't control it. I knew it was irrational, but I couldn't control it. She finally said, "Are you okay? I can hear your heart beat like a bass line." This changed my perspective of myself forever.

The first girl I really dated, we were never really official. I was head over heels for her, until she asked me to lie to her parents about her staying at her ex fiancé's house one night. The next girl is the one with the story about being on couch and my bass line of a heart beat. We dated for two weeks unofficially and three weeks offially. I broke it off because I realized I didn't have the emotional capability or the ability to process these emotions in other people. I convinced myself I was an asshole, and chose out of dating.

Side bar:
I apologize for the lengthy post, but I've never been able to tell my story. My parents thought I made up my ADD and anxiety. They tried to suffocate me with spirituality which I never understood. I watched so hundreds of people grow from spiritual experiences while I sat there over analyzing everything.


Anyways, after all that, I went to college, because that's what people do. That's what my parents wanted from me. I got decent grades all through school, but I never studied, not even once. It all just seemed logical to me, especially math, but I never felt like I was supposed to be in school. I struggled to talk to people around me, and I struggled to find the motivation.

Around this time, I met the girl that broke me forever. I was suicidal at the times and she saved me. Just by knowing her. She saved me. She became my best friend, which was difficult for her considering her 2 year serious relationship with her boyfriend. She was the only person I'd ever opened up to, which is the exact reason I don't do that anymore. One day she told me she was in love with me. A week later, she told me she could never speak to me again.

I dropped into depression. I attempted suicide more than once. I began smoking weed daily, because it made things okay. It didn't fix things, and it didn't magically make me happy or make things better, but it made me okay with being alive. I've been smoking daily since.

It's been two years now. In those two years, I thought I was crazy. I almost checked myself into a mental hospital. I started researching mental illness and ended up on an autism page (which I'm aware is not an "illness"). Nothing had ever made more sense. I started trying psychedelics such as lsd and mushrooms. They changed my life. I still struggled with depression and anxiety every day of my life, but these experiences made me realize that this is my life and it's okay to be different.

That being said, I do struggle daily with autism, and I feel hopeless. I'm afraid I'll be alone my entire life. I'm afraid I'll never be able to go back to school, hold a job down, or be able to handle things on my own.

I have recently seen a celebrated holistic doctor who agreed with my diagnosis, but was unable to provide me with a formal diagnosis, but she pointed me in the right direction. I'm in the process of getting some brain scans, lab tests, and eventually a heavy metals test done (to remove any heavy metals that may have been absorbed with vaccines at an early age. Yes I believe in that ****).

Anyways, I know this post has jumped around a lot, but I just needed an outlet. I feel like I'm going to die alone. I still feel misunderstood by my family and friends even after explaining it all to them. It's hard to be okay with a family that wrote me off for years and to find out at age 22 I'm autistic. I hate them for it, but I can't hate them because it's logical. I'm really struggling. i guess my intention of this post is to ask, what helps you with day to day life? I struggle to get out of bed. On
My days off, I sleep 4 hours and lay in bed for another 6-8. I struggle to eat. I struggle to sleep, and I really want nothing more than to die, but I'm to logical to kill myself. Any suggestions?

Thank you to anyone who's still reading. I know I probably over shared. I do that a lot. I also know my thoughts are often jumbled and hard to follow for others, so I appreciate anyone still here. I hope to learn much from this community, and hope someone can help me in one way or another. Thank you.

Edit: I want to add as well, a year and a half ago, I bought a Golden Retriever puppy as an emotional support dog. I had two golden's growing up, and they were my best friends. The only time I cried between the age of 13 to 18 was when they died or I thought about them after they died. Getting my dog was the single most important thing in my life, and is the only reason I haven't been able to kill myself; she needs me. I guess I'd just figure I'd throw that in there.

 

[GoldenWanderer]

Welcome.

Be warned that treatments to remove heavy metals from the body (chelation therapy) is very dangerous and you should fully read up on the risks before agreeing to do something like that.

As far as suggestions concerning your depression. See a professional psychiatrist who can get you started on an anti-depressant. It doesn't have to be permanent but it can give you a kickstart in working with other therapies that will help more in the long run (CBT, talk therapy) as well as start practices that will help your overall mental health (better diet, exercise, meditation etc).

Severe depression isn't something to take lightly, and there's nothing wrong taking pharmaceuticals to help. It's just a tool, its not the cure.

Thank you. I appreciate the warning, but if their is mercury in your body, you have been poisoned. I'm aware of the risks, and have done more research than I would have liked. I refuse to take anti depressants. Have you seen the side effects list? Besides, marijuana does the same thing for me as those I've spoken to claim anti depressants realistically for them.

As for therapy and professional advice, I've tried that, and it's not for me. If there were some better options around me, I'd give it another go, but I've struggled to find someone I felt I connected with enough that I can talk to them. That may sound dumb, but it's important to me. Thank you though.

have you been poisoned so severely you are dying
chelation is for poisoning of any chemical
and will hammer your kidneys and liver- if not go and get psychiatric therapy possibly a therapist who understands autism there arent many
IM suicidal quite frequently this is advice for the future change your ssri every couple of years they become less effective as you become used to them .
as you are suicidal tell them that !they have to monitor your emotional perception to prevent overdose
go out of the house everyday even if depression is bad daylight helps your body regulate itself that doesnt mean force yourself to find a group of people just walk slowly
being with nature is healing

For part of his, refer to my reply above.

As per the outdoors, that is great advice, and quite frankly, the thing that works best for me.
I am an avid outdoorsman. I live conveniently below a wonderland of trees, mountains, and windy roads. I have changed my "career path" and I'm now working outdoors for a living, and it has significantly helped in my keeping of a job and helped my depression. Nearly all of my hobbies are outdoors (rock climbing, , when I can find the motivation to do them. I hike daily with my pup, no matter what I'm feeling. And I usually camp once a week. I've gotten my setup to the point I can pick it up and go so I can go with little motivation. I would say my dog and the outdoors have saved my life multiple times and will probably continue to do so.

Thanks for your input!

 

[GoldenWanderer]

View attachment 34892

View attachment 34893

Joining us a good step in "moving on." The folks here are great and most can offer sound wisdom on living with ASD. So,

View attachment 34897​

Thank you, all.

 

[Nitro]

Thank you. I appreciate the warning, but if their is mercury in your body, you have been poisoned. I'm aware of the risks, and have done more research than I would have liked. I refuse to take anti depressants. Have you seen the side effects list? Besides, marijuana does the same thing for me as those I've spoken to claim anti depressants realistically for them.

As for therapy and professional advice, I've tried that, and it's not for me. If there were some better options around me, I'd give it another go, but I've struggled to find someone I felt I connected with enough that I can talk to them. That may sound dumb, but it's important to me. Thank you though.



For part of his, refer to my reply above.

As per the outdoors, that is great advice, and quite frankly, the thing that works best for me.
I am an avid outdoorsman. I live conveniently below a wonderland of trees, mountains, and windy roads. I have changed my "career path" and I'm now working outdoors for a living, and it has significantly helped in my keeping of a job and helped my depression. Nearly all of my hobbies are outdoors (rock climbing, , when I can find the motivation to do them. I hike daily with my pup, no matter what I'm feeling. And I usually camp once a week. I've gotten my setup to the point I can pick it up and go so I can go with little motivation. I would say my dog and the outdoors have saved my life multiple times and will probably continue to do so.

Thanks for your input!

Please review this information before you continue to discuss vaccines on the main forum: Please do not discuss Vaccine-ASD connection controversy on AC

 

[Streetwise]

just so you know i cant write a long post because of osteo arthritis not for the want of trying
i could talk the hind leg off a donkey

Well, I'm obviously a new member. I'm 22 years old, and I'm a self diagnosed High functioning autistic.

I've never knowingly communicated with another on the ASD spectrum, so I don't know all the norms of ASD, but from a young age, I knew I was different. I couldn't explain it, but I just knew I was different then other children. I often struggled to control my anger, and I'd feel out of control when I was angry. I would try to explain what I experienced to my parents, but they wrote me off telling me I was making it up and these things were silly.

As I grew older, I began to notice heightened differences in my social behavior to others. For as long as I remember, I dealt with intensified anxiety and anger, and at a young age, I had trouble relating to other children my age, and didn't enjoy playing with toys like they did. I found myself often angered or irritated at things that weren't perfect Mirror images of each other and other things of the sort.

I remember around middle school, the anxiety became worse, and depression started to wash over me. It started with thoughts of "I'm so different and don't fit in with anyone," and slowly, the thoughts became darker as I struggled to fit in socially. By 8th grade, I was far to interested in death, and by 9th, I realized I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to be alive. This thought changed my life.

Into high school. I struggled to date, and found I didn't relate to anyone. I felt bullied, rejected, and had very few friends.

Around the age of 17, I started smoking marijuana, maybe once a month. My friends had all smoked for years, but I always felt paranoid and stuck to the rules. At 18, it was once a week I was smoking, typically to deal with heightened stress, anxiety, feelings of loss and suicide, and all around displeasure with my life.

At 18, I got into two relationships. One of which broke my trust in others. The next broke my trust in myself. I distinctly remember laying on a couch with a girl cuddling, and I wanted to kiss her. For 15 minutes, we just laid there, and I panicked. I couldn't control it. I knew it was irrational, but I couldn't control it. She finally said, "Are you okay? I can hear your heart beat like a bass line." This changed my perspective of myself forever.

The first girl I really dated, we were never really official. I was head over heels for her, until she asked me to lie to her parents about her staying at her ex fiancé's house one night. The next girl is the one with the story about being on couch and my bass line of a heart beat. We dated for two weeks unofficially and three weeks offially. I broke it off because I realized I didn't have the emotional capability or the ability to process these emotions in other people. I convinced myself I was an asshole, and chose out of dating.

Side bar:
I apologize for the lengthy post, but I've never been able to tell my story. My parents thought I made up my ADD and anxiety. They tried to suffocate me with spirituality which I never understood. I watched so hundreds of people grow from spiritual experiences while I sat there over analyzing everything.


Anyways, after all that, I went to college, because that's what people do. That's what my parents wanted from me. I got decent grades all through school, but I never studied, not even once. It all just seemed logical to me, especially math, but I never felt like I was supposed to be in school. I struggled to talk to people around me, and I struggled to find the motivation.

Around this time, I met the girl that broke me forever. I was suicidal at the times and she saved me. Just by knowing her. She saved me. She became my best friend, which was difficult for her considering her 2 year serious relationship with her boyfriend. She was the only person I'd ever opened up to, which is the exact reason I don't do that anymore. One day she told me she was in love with me. A week later, she told me she could never speak to me again.

I dropped into depression. I attempted suicide more than once. I began smoking weed daily, because it made things okay. It didn't fix things, and it didn't magically make me happy or make things better, but it made me okay with being alive. I've been smoking daily since.

It's been two years now. In those two years, I thought I was crazy. I almost checked myself into a mental hospital. I started researching mental illness and ended up on an autism page (which I'm aware is not an "illness"). Nothing had ever made more sense. I started trying psychedelics such as lsd and mushrooms. They changed my life. I still struggled with depression and anxiety every day of my life, but these experiences made me realize that this is my life and it's okay to be different.

That being said, I do struggle daily with autism, and I feel hopeless. I'm afraid I'll be alone my entire life. I'm afraid I'll never be able to go back to school, hold a job down, or be able to handle things on my own.

I have recently seen a celebrated holistic doctor who agreed with my diagnosis, but was unable to provide me with a formal diagnosis, but she pointed me in the right direction. I'm in the process of getting some brain scans, lab tests, and eventually a heavy metals test done (to remove any heavy metals that may have been absorbed with vaccines at an early age. Yes I believe in that ****).

Anyways, I know this post has jumped around a lot, but I just needed an outlet. I feel like I'm going to die alone. I still feel misunderstood by my family and friends even after explaining it all to them. It's hard to be okay with a family that wrote me off for years and to find out at age 22 I'm autistic. I hate them for it, but I can't hate them because it's logical. I'm really struggling. i guess my intention of this post is to ask, what helps you with day to day life? I struggle to get out of bed. On
My days off, I sleep 4 hours and lay in bed for another 6-8. I struggle to eat. I struggle to sleep, and I really want nothing more than to die, but I'm to logical to kill myself. Any suggestions?

Thank you to anyone who's still reading. I know I probably over shared. I do that a lot. I also know my thoughts are often jumbled and hard to follow for others, so I appreciate anyone still here. I hope to learn much from this community, and hope someone can help me in one way or another. Thank you.

Edit: I want to add as well, a year and a half ago, I bought a Golden Retriever puppy as an emotional support dog. I had two golden's growing up, and they were my best friends. The only time I cried between the age of 13 to 18 was when they died or I thought about them after they died. Getting my dog was the single most important thing in my life, and is the only reason I haven't been able to kill myself; she needs me. I guess I'd just figure I'd throw that in there.

 

[Danny 74]

Helloooo goldenwanderer. ..!

 

[GoldenWanderer]

Please review this information before you continue to discuss vaccines on the main forum: Please do not discuss Vaccine-ASD connection controversy on AC

I apologize. I'll take my research to a different forum. Thank you

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

I refuse to take anti depressants. Have you seen the side effects list? Besides, marijuana does the same thing for me as those I've spoken to claim anti depressants realistically for them.

I too at one time refused to take anti depressants. I'm glad a good therapist convinced me otherwise. Anti depressants have literally saved my life, GoldenWanderer. The side effects (if any) usually last for a short time until your body adjusts to them. A doctor will most likely start you on a low dose and than adjust that. Yes, it can be frustrating going this route for it takes time for an anti depressant (although I respond to them within just a few weeks) to readjust the chemical imbalance (which depression is) in your body. As for the weed (I'm for legalization of marijuana) it can make you drowsy and keep you in a state of procrastination. Like any drug (including alcohol) if you are prone to depression it can make you worse in the long run. Believe me, I have done my share of illegal drugs hoping to self medicate and take it from a woman whose been around the block a few times; not the type of medication you need at this time. Holistic medicine has much to offer however can fall short when someone needs pharmaceuticals that can be only prescribed by an M.D. One doesn't have to remain on meds forever! If you had diabetes would you take insulin if your doctor told you you needed it to stay alive? It's the same with anti depressants; depression is a physiological disorder that can be eliminated with the right meds and perhaps therapy, massage, good diet, exercise and other healthy endeavors. My fear that with both depression and daily weed you are in that state of "whatever". With that said, welcome to the forum; so glad you are here and hope you find friends, answers and tips to help alleviate your struggles and I am so glad you wrote everything you did for you may not know it but you may "turn on the light switch" for someone just by saying something in a post.

 

[Joel's Hear]

Thank you. I appreciate the warning, but if their is mercury in your body, you have been poisoned. I'm aware of the risks, and have done more research than I would have liked. I refuse to take anti depressants. Have you seen the side effects list? Besides, marijuana does the same thing for me as those I've spoken to claim anti depressants realistically for them.

As for therapy and professional advice, I've tried that, and it's not for me. If there were some better options around me, I'd give it another go, but I've struggled to find someone I felt I connected with enough that I can talk to them. That may sound dumb, but it's important to me. Thank you though.



For part of his, refer to my reply above.

As per the outdoors, that is great advice, and quite frankly, the thing that works best for me.
I am an avid outdoorsman. I live conveniently below a wonderland of trees, mountains, and windy roads. I have changed my "career path" and I'm now working outdoors for a living, and it has significantly helped in my keeping of a job and helped my depression. Nearly all of my hobbies are outdoors (rock climbing, , when I can find the motivation to do them. I hike daily with my pup, no matter what I'm feeling. And I usually camp once a week. I've gotten my setup to the point I can pick it up and go so I can go with little motivation. I would say my dog and the outdoors have saved my life multiple times and will probably continue to do so.

Thanks for your input!

Hello GoldenWanderer, they say not all those who wander are lost. I like your dog, and I agree with you on many of your ideas for treatment or whatnot. I'd pick a good-ol-fashioned spliff over a pharmaceutical any day; I've had too many adverse reactions to pills, some permanent (my legs have twitched for 12 years now, almost half of my nights, after a brilliantly conceived shot of risperidone).

Therapy and professional advice? I know in this world it can be quite difficult to find a true friend, but a friend who actually cares is better worth talking to then a person with 50 degrees hanging on his wall (unless that person happens to be your true friend, seems unlikely).

Chelation therapy? I personally cannot speak against it, but I would definitely consider the advice of monolithimmortal and streetwise. Ive read it can be deadly.

Besides the honest ear of a good friend (or a dog) I believe that nature is a very good thing, getting you in tune with your mind.

Also, as has been said in this thread previously, diet is one of the most important things to your health, though it is hard to see this in its entirety. Natural and organic foods are good, I try to eat few meats but a few does seem the best for my health.

A side note: I am autistic, and I have a strong allergy to the E.D.T.A brand of preservatives (I.e. Calcium disodium E.D.T.A found in jarred mayo and other foods, maybe you really like mayo). E.D.T.A is the principal chelation agent used today, so you can understand the slow painful death I'd face if I decided to seek chelation... Also, mercury levels are too high in everything! Haven't you seen how toxic our world has gotten? There's a literal garbage patch in the Pacific the size of a small country and that's just the tip of the tip of the garbage iceberg.

 

[xudo]

Welcome.

 

[Bella Pines]

I was far to[o] interested in death

This is a normal high functioning autistic trait. Being passionate and obsessed with a single topic or project. This can work well for you if you find a healthy topic.

analyzing everything.

Again, normal high functioning autistic trait, also can work well for you if you find a healthy topic.

I apologize for the lengthy post

Guess what? Normal trait. We make good story tellers which is why I am studying to become an author.

I bought a Golden Retriever puppy

Then on the question of 'how do I move on', sounds like you have already found your first answer. You did this, you went out and did this and it worked. You also posted your story and found people like you.

You are already starting to control your own life, and you have made a fantastic start. Just keep up the good work.

And do try to ease off or at least moderate the drug dependence

 

[GoldenWanderer]

Hello GoldenWanderer, they say not all those who wander are lost. I like your dog, and I agree with you on many of your ideas for treatment or whatnot. I'd pick a good-ol-fashioned spliff over a pharmaceutical any day; I've had too many adverse reactions to pills, some permanent (my legs have twitched for 12 years now, almost half of my nights, after a brilliantly conceived shot of risperidone).

Therapy and professional advice? I know in this world it can be quite difficult to find a true friend, but a friend who actually cares is better worth talking to then a person with 50 degrees hanging on his wall (unless that person happens to be your true friend, seems unlikely).

Chelation therapy? I personally cannot speak against it, but I would definitely consider the advice of monolithimmortal and streetwise. Ive read it can be deadly.

Besides the honest ear of a good friend (or a dog) I believe that nature is a very good thing, getting you in tune with your mind.

Also, as has been said in this thread previously, diet is one of the most important things to your health, though it is hard to see this in its entirety. Natural and organic foods are good, I try to eat few meats but a few does seem the best for my health.

A side note: I am autistic, and I have a strong allergy to the E.D.T.A brand of preservatives (I.e. Calcium disodium E.D.T.A found in jarred mayo and other foods, maybe you really like mayo). E.D.T.A is the principal chelation agent used today, so you can understand the slow painful death I'd face if I decided to seek chelation... Also, mercury levels are too high in everything! Haven't you seen how toxic our world has gotten? There's a literal garbage patch in the Pacific the size of a small country and that's just the tip of the tip of the garbage iceberg.

I hate how toxic our world is becoming, and I'm glad you mentioned it. I struggle with the abuse earth puts up with (oh shoot, he's a hippy!). It's one of those topics I've found myself obsessed with, which I see as a good thing.

I love your advice about seeking a friend (or dog). I'm currently in the process of finding a therapist that is experienced with autism that I feel I can trust. Being in a state largely populated by religious people who dont believe in holistic medicines doesn't help haha. I have a few leads, as I do want to see someone regularly for a while to talk. Fingers crossed I find what I'm looking for.

As for chelation, I do have a lot of research to so still before even starting to make a decision, so thank you. I appreciate the feedback.

As for health, I have been extremely healthy most my life, and it's the last year I've found myself feeling differently. I don't feel ill, just off, I feel really off (physically, mentally, and emotionally). My diet has gotten slightly worse with my current work schedule (I'm up st 3:30 am for work), so I get to work on improving that.

Thank you for the suggestions and input!

This is a normal high functioning autistic trait. Being passionate and obsessed with a single topic or project. This can work well for you if you find a healthy topic.

Again, normal high functioning autistic trait, also can work well for you if you find a healthy topic.

Guess what? Normal trait. We make good story tellers which is why I am studying to become an author.

Then on the question of 'how do I move on', sounds like you have already found your first answer. You did this, you went out and did this and it worked. You also posted your story and found people like you.

You are already starting to control your own life, and you have made a fantastic start. Just keep up the good work.

And do try to ease off or at least moderate the drug dependence

Thank you. This month is the first time I've realized these are normalized traits for someone on the spectrum. I've felt momentous amounts of relief from this, but also elevated levels of stress due to feeling out of control.

Yeah, it's been a long and winding road (great song), but I'm grateful to have found this forum.

With the concept of autism being so abstract for the last year and a half as I started to learn about it, I'm still adjusting and accepting this as my life. That very thought has lead me to start to reduce my reliance on cannabis. Six months ago, I was smoking 5x more than I am now, and I am continuing to reduce that consumption.

Thank you for the kind words. This is the first time I've ever felt "normal", in reference to actually having people understand where I'm coming from. I'm used to the "everyone has anxiety" and "everyone feels that way" responses I've received from family and friends. These responses made me feel like I was going insane, so I really appreciate the feedback. Thank you.

 

[GoldenWanderer]

Oh! And thank you for the kind words on my pup. She's my driving force, my baby, and one of few "things" that make me feel human. It's a lot of commitment (one thing I've always lacked/struggled with), but she's worth it.

 

[SusanLR]

I realized I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to be alive.

Hi Wanderer and welcome!
Your words are exactly how I've felt most of my life.
I can feel where you're coming from. I'm new to finding out why I've been so different also.
Being outside with nature is the best medicine I've found when struggling. I've always had a lot of pets, too. Unfortunately my living circumstances currently prohibits having any, accept for some odd little guys: My pet frogs that live in the pool cage area where I rent 3 rooms in a large house and help the older man who owns it.
Overall I have always felt like a child in an adult body. Don't know how many Aspies have had that experience, but, I know some have.
Now without my parents, no extended family or siblings and only one friend that knows most of my history, my feelings of depression are worse. Alone in a world of people. I do have a good autism psychologist that has two children of her own on the spectrum that has given me some sense of direction. Doesn't take away that want for someone I can just be myself with and feel loved by though. That's the hard part for me. On another thread here the daily "acting" to get along in life is talked about. Get tired of it and I do like time alone, but, not on a continous living alone basis. Well, so much for where I'm at.

I've seen a lot on chelation therapy in your posts and I've been in pharmaceuticals most of my life until I had to go on disability for multiple reasons.
I have witnessed first hand how it can help certain people. But, the reasons were not for metal poisoning. That should be diagnosed with blood work, etc. IMO before going to chelation.
Yes, it can be deadly, but, any medicine can be if you have a bad reaction to it. I am very sensitive to meds and try to keep them at a minimum. What you said about antidepressants is true. I've seen everything from worsening of psychotic behaviours to tardive dyskinesia. Some people they seem to help. I've tried various types and they didn't. I've never tried any of the recreational, as some call them, drugs. Known plenty that have and ended up with even more problems physically and psychologically.
Briefly, the two people I've seen take chelation therapy were for plaque in the arteries (the man I live with), and a calcified aorta valve. That was my father. It worked despite what doctors tried to beg to differ. But, it was expensive and he ran out of funds. The valve in the heart calcified back without it. He had to have open heart surgery which within a year led to his death as the surgeon cut one of his bundle branch nerves. This all sounds technical, but, that's my medical training talking.
Be your own best friend when it comes to what doctors say. Get 2nd or 3rd opinions. I've learned that from the many problems I've had, including liver cancer survivor.
Got to cut it off on this as I ramble too.
So don't worry about that!

 

[GoldenWanderer]

Overall I have always felt like a child in an adult body. Don't know how many Aspies have had that experience, but, I know some have.

I feel this way often. I've felt often that many of the people I was surrounded by seemed to be more mature, and I seemed to mature at a much slower rate.

Doesn't take away that want for someone I can just be myself with and feel loved by though. That's the hard part for me.

On another thread here the daily "acting" to get along in life is talked about. Get tired of it and I do like time alone, but, not on a continous living alone basis. Well, so much for where I'm at.

I can't explain how much thiese two thoughts pain me. I agree. The hardest part is being so lonely. I hate that for every time I go out, I need to spend the next day home recovering. I've discovered I can't go out with my friends to bars or crowded scenes or I panic.

The anxiety and stress that revolves around the idea of finding someone to love and who actually loves me, and the concept of love as a whole, it scares the hell out of me, and I'm scared I'll never be able to do it.

I guess I feel like I'm missing out on vital human experiences, and I guess all this has me feeling non-human. I hope someone gets that here.

 

[Pariah Dog]

Well, I'm obviously a new member. I'm 22 years old, and I'm a self diagnosed High functioning autistic.

I've never knowingly communicated with another on the ASD spectrum, so I don't know all the norms of ASD, but from a young age, I knew I was different. I couldn't explain it, but I just knew I was different then other children. I often struggled to control my anger, and I'd feel out of control when I was angry. I would try to explain what I experienced to my parents, but they wrote me off telling me I was making it up and these things were silly.

As I grew older, I began to notice heightened differences in my social behavior to others. For as long as I remember, I dealt with intensified anxiety and anger, and at a young age, I had trouble relating to other children my age, and didn't enjoy playing with toys like they did. I found myself often angered or irritated at things that weren't perfect Mirror images of each other and other things of the sort.
.

Hi and welcome from one new member to another. This bit of my post jogged me memory of myself at a young age. Most other boys played with action figures (It was Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers back in those days) or sports. I however couldn't even force myself to take interest in that. I was obsessed with hotwheels cars, Lego (In which I would usually build vehicles) and model trains.

You may be missing out on some vital human experience, but it sounds like are doing much better than many. I wish I had some good advice. Maybe anxiety medication would go a long way for you.