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Self isolation

Rocco

Rocco

I hope something good happens to you today
V.I.P Member
Hope this is proper forum.
I seem to be isolating myself from my family. So they say.
I have been struggling a LOT this year, with emotion, burnout, meltdowns and exhaustion.

At work it been 60-70 hour weeks, 6 or 7 days in a row. When I come home I am a withered shell of myself. I hide away in my studio/ garage and just paint or stare at my paintings. I can't cope with any further social interaction after 10 hours dealing with coworkers. I get home around 5-6 pm and stay isolated for 1-4 hours per day.
This is bothering my family at home. I feel like they just don't understand how much work takes from me, or how my autism is a struggle.
I had an anxiety attack that lasted from last Friday until Monday afternoon, constant heart flutters and stress feelings.

I can't discern if I am throwing a self pity party, or I am just taking care of myself the best I can.

I don't want to cut out my family from my life, but I don't want to be a short tempered jerk towards them when I need down time.

Any opinions on this dilemma?
 
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Only that I totally get this. I live in relative isolation almost all the time. Mostly because I can.

It gets lonely at times, but it also keeps me sane. That I'm inclined to believe in my own case it's partially why don't have nearly so much social anxiety as I used to. When I do go out to distinct social occasions, I usually do ok. Certainly much better than I used to.

But trying to explain it...yes, that's a pretty tall order. Even to those closest to you.

I'm not an advocate for this. Just pointing out that in my own case, it seems to work more than it hinders me.

60-70 hour work weeks? I'd say that requires substantial "recovery time". Especially if your work requires some degree of routine socialization. It would for me, anyways.
 
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Yeah, I remember that kind of work schedule well. And I had nothing left to give either and could only try and detox and recharge in solitary persuits in the little time allowed me.

But my family was fairly understanding and just let me have that time for the most part. While I was working those kind of hours (a few year stretch) the kids were instructed not to bother me weeknights. Though once in a while the mental separation would cause friction with my spouse, even with good intentions.

Fixing the home front environment is definately a priority. If you are stressing about the home situation as well as having long work hours its too much and there is no safe place/time. Meltdowns, panic attacks, etc, are the pretty predictable result.

I suggest discussing it and really trying to get through to your spouse, even if its hard to confront. If you can get her on board she can then guide the kids in the situation.

A few other suggestions to consider. One is to move your place of detox/zoning out to somewhere in the main living area where you are at least visable and present physically with the others. Noise and/or normal family chaos may not make this possible (The age of the kids is a big factor), but is there something the family can do to limit the noise or have an off-limits area/part of the room. I used video games and some hobbies like yourself as escape/rest activities. The video games could be done pretty much in the middle of the family if you included headphones perhaps. Hobbies I did at the dining room table, while the others were in the living room etc. We did not allow loud music or TV.
 
As you know, I was a lineman and understand perfectly what your saying. My situation was a bit worse because to do my job I had to stay at a hotel 4 or 5 days a week, so I had to deal with my coworkers day and night. Now it looks like I'm going back because in 4 months of looking for a different job I can't find anything else.

Concerning your family, that's a rough one, everybody is different as to what they will understand or accept. It is hard for people not in the electrical business to understand the physical and mental strain that it puts on us.The only tools you've got is your words and they will not always work. Just keep trying to explain to them, Rocco, and hopeful sooner rather than later, the love of family will lead to understanding.

If you need me, you know where to find me. Omega
 
Feel for you Rocco, like you I do 60-70 hr weeks although mine are spread 5-6 days. Because I alternate my shifts weekly it can make getting into a rhythm tricky for the first two days. So, I usually get home, have a wash and something to eat before needing to sleep.

All that has worked well, been on my own for 10 years. However, that changes the end of this year when my partnership moves to sharing a space.

This 'recovery time' that we need is something I need to explain fully to her, I know what it is but my past teaches me that my partners never got it it. They just thought... well, y'know.

For me, trying to make sure I don't get back in that cycle. Might work for you or something similar.

I'm using melatonin 1mg to reset my sleep patterns only for the first two nights/days of shift. Oxytocin start and end of shift, to chill me down. At the end of a shift have 30 mins of white noise and binaural beats to reset my head. I intend to keep a diary as this is a new regime and I want to see if it helps me reduce the need for so much alone time.

I hope you find your solution Rocco, take it steady.
 
Harrison said:
This 'recovery time' that we need is something I need to explain fully to her, I know what it is but my past teaches me that my partners never got it it. They just thought... well, y'know.
Click to expand...


I soooooooooooo get that as well.

And that while it's a requirement for many of us, to emphasize that it in no way reflects on them.

Critical stuff...
 
I understand it very well. That kind of a job is very taxing, and I've known some allistic folk to break under that kind of stress. When I worked a job I hated that had long hours, I was very unstable and what precious few moments I got alone at night did very little to help me.

I'd recommend trying to find another job. Your current one giving you heart palpitations and panic attacks are reason enough.

My seasonal job lasts for three months and it is 6 days a week and 40-60 hours a week, but it's seasonal and I enjoy the work. Aside from maybe an hour at night and in the morning to myself, I'm fine and can socialize with my family. Often I can come straight home from work to dinner and spend a bit of time with them before withdrawing to my room to let my mind go blank.
 
Oh Rocca

Totally not a pity party at all!

You are amazing to even do that much and so no wonder you need time to yourself; just one whole day out does the same thing to me and thus, whoa.

My husband just tolerates that I can do only half a day of anything; doesn't get why, but doesn't nag when I say I can't do such and such; I, of course, miss out on rather a lot, but better I miss out than suffer meltdowns.

What you could try and do is before you go into your own world, you could try talking to your family and explaining how you feel and say to give you a bit of time, and you will be ok. I guess to them: they don't see you all day and then.... don't see you all evening and even me being an aspie, if my husband did the same, it would be rough on me!

I guess there is no chance of changing your work, for less hours or at least reducing them?
 
I cannot change my work currently. I have a great job in my field with the best local company. It's just the stress of all the overtime recently added to an unhappy family. This particular job will be over next week or two, we moved to 12 hour days until finished next Sunday. :(

I mainly struggle at the moment because this site is my ONLY support system, and my condition is be basically not tolerated at home, and I deal with major criticism for Aspie behaviors. Not to say I am perfect, I have many flaws and negative moments. But I feel like I have to fight to maintain my composure, my job, any shred of dignity. I basically must defend every choice and moment not spent cleaning up something or living in service to another.
Sorry for putting all this negativity out there.
 
Rocco, It's not negative, not to me. Here are my couple of thoughts, and a painterly hug.

Write it down for your family on paper(s) - tell them what's going on edited for the individuals or en-masse depending on their personalities, ages and your knowledge of them. This might help, but I don't know them like you do.

Rocco you know I both love painting and use it as expression, so, I don't know, I guess I want you, and your creative self to thrive. Also, I love your paintings, you know that. :sunflower::evergreen::herb:
 
Over half of the winter, I was working 50-70 hour weeks, 6-7 days a week with a few 16 hour days thrown in towards the end. I got heaps grief after the period of overtime, which at least didn't fan the flames while they were burning hot. But it came at a time of already strained relations with my partner. I stole time to visit AC, stayed up later by myself, but I was there every morning, making breakfast for everyone. Luckily, my work is largely self directed, but I was assigned two to three assistants that I had to keep busy. That was the most difficult part.

I am sorry to hear of your difficulties.
 
Rocco said:
I cannot change my work currently. I have a great job in my field with the best local company. It's just the stress of all the overtime recently added to an unhappy family. This particular job will be over next week or two, we moved to 12 hour days until finished next Sunday. :(

I mainly struggle at the moment because this site is my ONLY support system, and my condition is be basically not tolerated at home, and I deal with major criticism for Aspie behaviors. Not to say I am perfect, I have many flaws and negative moments. But I feel like I have to fight to maintain my composure, my job, any shred of dignity. I basically must defend every choice and moment not spent cleaning up something or living in service to another.
Sorry for putting all this negativity out there.
Click to expand...

Don't feel bad Rocco! This site is also my ONLY support system too. It is so strange that those who supposedly love us, are not eager to find out the reason for the traits we show! My husband was the one who alerted me to the fact that I am way too literal and now I have the answer to why and trying so hard to recognise when it happens; I get: why the heck can't you concentrate on the conversation rather than keep going on about maybe you are being too literal!!!!! I pointed out that it is due to me taking things so literally that we have many communication breakdowns. He doesn't comment. It is, I believe because they see that we are making excuses for our "bad behaviour". My husband says that he will not admit that I have aspergers because he does not want me to use that as an excuse to get out of doing things!
 
Sorry to read of your struggles at the mo Rocco and yes I can relate as I'm sure a lot of others can. It was actually ridiculously long hours and the mental exhaustion that came from this that made me crack and walk out of my last job and finally push for diagnosis.

I don't think anybody would call it self pity, it sounds like you are being pushed beyond your limits and there has to be some kind of fall out from this. Having to be socially switched on for long periods is mentally draining and, isolation is like an oxygen mask. It's just a need.

Is there any way you can cut the hours so you can find a better work/life balance? For me it was not possible and the eventual result was illness and shattered self esteem/confidence which I am still struggling with. I guess what I'm saying that prevention is better than cure.
 
I can definitely relate... when I was working, I just wanted to come home and pet the dog and sleep. And I wasn't even working that much.

I think you need to pay attention to your body and take the quiet time. Maybe schedule some specific time with them so they don't feel too left out.. it might help knowing you're scheduled to have dinner with them or whatever and then get to retreat back to your space again after dinner.

I hope you get to schedule a nice little vacation after all that work time!
 
how do you even managed to find a husband/wife? i'm single, but with same issue - need to isolate myself after work. i've thought about it a lot recently, because it has been going on for a while now. i just don't want to go out at night. i'm exhausted from people. i've noticed that if i must be around people late in the evening, i just space out, sit alone, not saying a word. it's a specific state where your mind is empty and you don't feel anything, neither good or bad. and no pressure to do anything, although there are people around you. it's like a dream where you're just watching things happen.
how do i even find someone in a situation like this?
 
I married while I was in the military, still undiagnosed, wearing a mask of "normal" which I recently decided was unfair to both of us. I will not marry again.

If there is some activity you enjoy 2205, that you can join a group for or attend meetings etc. that would be a great start.
I met a large majority of partners in various bars around the world, but that is a highly questionable tactic of you are looking for a long term serious commitment.

Good luck to you 2205
 
Feeling over tired can really magnify AS stuff, same as hunger & those are long days to be working at. To be taking criticism for unavoidable burnout at home sounds really difficult too; The Worst. Your paintings on here are inspirational, it's good that you have that in your life. Enforced proximity to people can endanger sanity I think.
 
Rocco, this makes sense. Sensory/task overwhelm at work with such extended hours leaves you little left in your "social gas tank"-- even for the family you love dearly. I hope the work schedule become gentler, easier for you soon. I am wishing you a real respite today, as well as some extra understanding from your family.
 
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