Serious demeanor (not sense of humor)

[jleeb05]

I use the term "reserved." I'm definitely more on the serious side though I smile a lot. Sometimes I've wondered what I'm actually smiling at and I've realized that it might just be an automatic response when I'm in a social situation to smile and look approachable...at least in professional settings.

I suspect that I may look less friendly in social situations. I remember going to one mixer and being very uncomfortable. The organizer of the event (the one who invited me) started to approach me, saw my face, promptly turned around, and never attempted to talk to me again. As much as I wanted to socialize, I can only imagine that my face must have been giving off "stay away" vibes.

 

[Crossbreed]

My "deactivated" face looks sulky even to me. I am really not that sullen on the inside, under normal circumstances.

 

[jleeb05]

My "deactivated" face looks sulky even to me. I am really not that sullen on the inside, under normal circumstances.

Same. Sometimes, I think I look neutral or even welcoming but I'll catch a glimpse of myself and I'm surprised all how dour my expression looks.

 

[Martha Ferris]

Hi all, I am still investigating if I really am on the spectrum. And still researching myself (if that makes sense).

One thing to note about me is that I have a serious demeanor. I am not refering to my sense of humor here. I mean my baseline presentation. I don't tease people often, I am not "smilely". On first meeting most people do not think me warm and friendly (though they might think I am later). As far as I know, I am not monotone. I just take people and events at face value. I am not "entertaining" to be around. I am sincere. Do you relate to this?

I can so relate. I too have a serious demeanor and actually got in trouble for it in nursing school with one of my professors because I "did not look happy." Reminds me of men telling women to "Smile."
On talk shows having a facial expression that unintentionally appears as if a person is angry, annoyed, irritated, or contemptuous, particularly when the individual is relaxed, resting or not expressing any particular emotion has been discussed fairly often. It's when women don't smile and assumptions are made.
This is kind of a side bar but it upset me so that I want to put it in here. I had just unsuccessfully coded a baby in the ER. Afterward I had to see other patients. The first room I went into the woman lit into me because I wasn't smiling and wasn't upbeat. She reminded me of my college professor. I said nothing, was professional and went about what I had to do all the while trying not to cry. I only hope my colleagues spilled the beans and informed her of why I looked the way I did. Lesson here: you don't know what is happening in someones life so stop making assumptions and being judgemental.
I try to have an open and welcoming look on my face if not actually smiling.
Having to wear a mask in public due to COVID allows me to have my natural expression on and be comfortable.
I find that the older we get our facial features sag making the unintentional negative expression more pronounced.
I also find that there is a double standard at play here. Men who have a serious demeanor are treated with more respect while women who do have such a demeanor have a derogatory label applied to them.

 

[Suzette]

@Martha Ferris,
I can't imagine how difficult it is when a patient dies, especially a new baby. I think I would have stopped talking for the rest of the day!

I have always known my grandmother was a nurse and that she died of leukimia. But I just found out last night, from my mother, that my grandmother kept working thtoughout her illness and would report to work early to take 5 pints of blood before her shift.

You nurses are amazing people all around. My aunt, now retired, was also a nurse, has stopped doctors from ordering the wrong treatment.

I commend you all!

 

[Progster]

I had just unsuccessfully coded a baby in the ER.

What does this mean?

 

[Suzette]

What does this mean?

"Unsucessfully coded" means the baby died

 

[Progster]

"Unsucessfully coded" means the baby died

Oh Thanks for explaining, never heard that one before.

 

[jleeb05]

@Martha Ferris

I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. I wish people were more thoughtful before they interacted with others. You never know what someone else is going through.

I have definitely appreciated being able to wear a mask and not having to worry about my facial expressions around people.

 

[Ken]

Hi all, I am still investigating if I really am on the spectrum. And still researching myself (if that makes sense).

Yes, that is what I started doing in April 2019. I started a symptom list. The list, so far, has 68 solid symptoms (and still counting). I no longer have even the slightest doubt that I am autistic. I don't think there is anything left to consider otherwise.

One thing to note about me is that I have a serious demeanor. I am not refering to my sense of humor here. I mean my baseline presentation. I don't tease people often, I am not "smilely". On first meeting most people do not think me warm and friendly (though they might think I am later). As far as I know, I am not monotone. I just take people and events at face value. I am not "entertaining" to be around. I am sincere. Do you relate to this?

Oh yes - 100%. I have had teachers angrily bark at me to "stop being so dull". My father's famous quote repeated throughout my life has has been a defining theme. Always with great exasperation and anger, he would say, “Kenneth … When are you ever going to wake up and act like a normal human being?”
Try as I might, I am unable to behave festive or NT happy - regardless how happy I am. If I won a million dollars I still could not "jump for joy", scream, yell, dance about or make loud noises.
I do love comedy and humor. I just don't physically react like an NT. NT's that get my sense of humor say that I have a "dry" sense of humor. I have actually had some NT's emulate my sense of humor. Makes me assume they grew to like it.
I remember an incident when I was a young child, my grandmother was trying to get me to laugh and be gleeful. She started singing a childish song and poking at me with her fingers. Very, very, very wrong thing to get me to smile. Instead, I was extremely offended.
I recently noticed a picture of me with my sister and brother when I was about 5 or 6 years old. Both, my sister and brother were smiling. I had the classic autistic, blank face look.

 

[Suzette]

Oh Thanks for explaining, never heard that one before.

My aunt is a nurse. I picked up a lot talking to her.

 

[Crossbreed]

Napoleon Dynamite

...But I AM Happy!​

 

[Suzette]

Yes, that is what I started doing in April 2019. I started a symptom list. The list, so far, has 68 solid symptoms (and still counting). I no longer have even the slightest doubt that I am autistic. I don't think there is anything left to consider otherwise.

Oh yes - 100%. I have had teachers angrily bark at me to "stop being so dull". My father's famous quote repeated throughout my life has has been a defining theme. Always with great exasperation and anger, he would say, “Kenneth … When are you ever going to wake up and act like a normal human being?”
Try as I might, I am unable to behave festive or NT happy - regardless how happy I am. If I won a million dollars I still could not "jump for joy", scream, yell, dance about or make loud noises.
I do love comedy and humor. I just don't physically react like an NT. NT's that get my sense of humor say that I have a "dry" sense of humor. I have actually had some NT's emulate my sense of humor. Makes me assume they grew to like it.
I remember an incident when I was a young child, my grandmother was trying to get me to laugh and be gleeful. She started singing a childish song and poking at me with her fingers. Very, very, very wrong thing to get me to smile. Instead, I was extremely offended.
I recently noticed a picture of me with my sister and brother when I was about 5 or 6 years old. Both, my sister and brother were smiling. I had the classic autistic, blank face look.

I think there must be a lot if us in our 50s and older that never got the help we really needed. In my case, if my family had simply understoid me better it woukd have helped, at least at home. Both my mom and my brother woukd tease and mock me mercilessly. This was very hurtful to me and made me feel an alien at home.
This , perhaps unintentional, abuse resulted in cptsd for me. I struggle with it and my relationship with my mom is not good. Sadly, she really did not understand when I trued to tell her about suspecting I am in the spectrum. She just said "Well, if you think this is important to you."
What I really wanted was for her to ask questions like "Why do you think so?" but she really isn't interested.

Thank you for telling me about your dad. It helps me to see that my mother's attitude growing up was not uncommon. And thank you for telling me about your list. I think I will try this too. But I have learned to be very good at masking so I might make two lists. One for my childhood, one for my adulthood.
As Fox Mulder would say "The truth is out there".

 

[Ken]

Thank you for telling me about your dad. It helps me to see that my mother's attitude growing up was not uncommon. And thank you for telling me about your list. I think I will try this too. But I have learned to be very good at masking so I might make two lists. One for my childhood, one for my adulthood.
As Fox Mulder would say "The truth is out there".

I'm glad telling you about my dad was helpful.
I think my list is valid for any age of my life. I think any difference is only by degree. I don't think any of my symptoms have changed, but I am much wiser now. I have learned a lot about NT's and how I am different.
I have learned to mask, but I don't think I am very good at it. There are many situations I don't think the effort is effective at all.
My wife complains that I am always "so negative". After much frustration, I have found the "negative" perception is entirely my expressions and mannerisms, not what I am actually saying. She says I am much better writing. I found that is because she is not looking at me when reading what I write. I have found that often times when needing to discuss something personal and important, I will first put it in a letter.
I used to be totally mystified when someone I am talking to becomes angry and argumentative when it is clear to me we are in total agreement. I ask what did I say that was conflicting and they can never say. I did a test where I transcribed what I said in a letter and let them read it. They were in total agreement.
I learned about this issue from a romantic comedy my wife likes. It is titled, "Hitch". In the movie, “Hitch” has a line that may or may not be truly accurate, but it fits my experiences precisely. In the movie, Hitch is a dating coach. In one scene, Hitch is explaining human interaction to a client. He explains,
“Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth.”
My problem is that my ninety percent is uncontrolled or very poorly controlled. I am blind to everything except for that ten percent verbal communication. Not being very good at masking means I cannot trust that ninety percent to fit what I’m saying. The 90% that NT’s gets, dilutes and overrides what I'm actually saying.

Indeed! "The Truth is Out There".

 

[ForestGumpett]

I think there must be a lot if us in our 50s and older that never got the help we really needed. In my case, if my family had simply understoid me better it woukd have helped, at least at home. Both my mom and my brother woukd tease and mock me mercilessly. This was very hurtful to me and made me feel an alien at home.
This , perhaps unintentional, abuse resulted in cptsd for me. I struggle with it and my relationship with my mom is not good. Sadly, she really did not understand when I trued to tell her about suspecting I am in the spectrum. She just said "Well, if you think this is important to you."
What I really wanted was for her to ask questions like "Why do you think so?" but she really isn't interested.

Thank you for telling me about your dad. It helps me to see that my mother's attitude growing up was not uncommon. And thank you for telling me about your list. I think I will try this too. But I have learned to be very good at masking so I might make two lists. One for my childhood, one for my adulthood.
As Fox Mulder would say "The truth is out there".

Another c-ptsd here due to a mother and brother, mother is narcissist BPD and she still “tries” to pull my strings but I pretty much went dark and moved thousands of miles away, I had enough. Brother is dead, he got sick. We both have a genetic condition that the mother will not admit too due to the nBPD. What I believe is that some parents need to think they can only produce certain kinds of kids and try to put the child into the box they made. Aspie kids would prolly be a nightmare to people like this. Not saying your’s is, but mine certainly was. My father was an active alcoholic, between the three foo life was different. Being polite here. Growing up in this kind of home seems to aggravate the issues to a kid with Aspergers, JMHO. Due to this I have a lot of left over residue. I’m over sensitive and have a terrible time reading people and timing like when it’s my time to talk. I also don’t trust my own judgement because of being told how much I get wrong (due to the N mom).

God did send me an angel, having another anniversary soon
The story has a happy ending, but I still am unable to have a relationship with my mother due to how cruel her mouth is. I am not able to overlook what comes out of her mouth so no chance of it. Hurts too bad even if I do consider the source- yeah I know she’s sick but again, hurts too bad. Some things cannot be fixed so you have to move on. Isn’t easy, but doable if I stay busy.

 

[Suzette]

Another c-ptsd here due to a mother and brother, mother is narcissist BPD and she still “tries” to pull my strings but I pretty much went dark and moved thousands of miles away, I had enough. Brother is dead, he got sick. We both have a genetic condition that the mother will not admit too due to the nBPD. What I believe is that some parents need to think they can only produce certain kinds of kids and try to put the child into the box they made. Aspie kids would prolly be a nightmare to people like this. Not saying your’s is, but mine certainly was. My father was an active alcoholic, between the three foo life was different. Being polite here. Growing up in this kind of home seems to aggravate the issues to a kid with Aspergers, JMHO. Due to this I have a lot of left over residue. I’m over sensitive and have a terrible time reading people and timing like when it’s my time to talk. I also don’t trust my own judgement because of being told how much I get wrong (due to the N mom).

God did send me an angel, having another anniversary soon
The story has a happy ending, but I still am unable to have a relationship with my mother due to how cruel her mouth is. I am not able to overlook what comes out of her mouth so no chance of it. Hurts too bad even if I do consider the source- yeah I know she’s sick but again, hurts too bad. Some things cannot be fixed so you have to move on. Isn’t easy, but doable if I stay busy.

Forest Gumpett, I believe we could understand one another very well.
My mother is not a bad woman but she was caught up in her own experiences. She confuses me to this day. Dismissive on somethings, loving sometimes, very prone to not really paying attention (like when I say three months she hears one month) and seldom admits a fault. And over and over only sees me through her own biases.
She is quite capable of compassion but at times seems incapable of empathy.
It is a mess : )

I was lucky in my second marriage. Jim is border line aspie I think.

 

[Suzette]

@Ken
Hitch is one of my favorite movies. : )

I will try writing as you suggest.

 

[Ken]

@Ken
Hitch is one of my favorite movies. : )

I will try writing as you suggest.

I am curious how writing might work for you. You mentioned that you were good at masking. I am not. That makes me curious if writing would still be a benefit for someone with strong masking skills.

 

[jleeb05]

I am curious how writing might work for you. You mentioned that you were good at masking. I am not. That makes me curious if writing would still be a benefit for someone with strong masking skills.

I think it can still be helpful. I think I actually have strong masking skills as well. I'm preparing for a professional assessment and as part of that, they asked me to go through a list of traits associated with autism. Before I started, I was 50/50 on whether I had ASD. After finishing, I have very little doubt. I didn't realize how many boxes I checked.

 

[Suzette]

I am curious how writing might work for you. You mentioned that you were good at masking. I am not. That makes me curious if writing would still be a benefit for someone with strong masking skills.

Masking to me is fairly superficial. I can maintain the air of normalacy by looking people in the eye for (very) brief periods, tolerate hand shaking if it is a business meeting, and by keeping my comments brief, I appear to fully engage with others.

I can't keep it up for too long though. I know my warning signs if I am becoming exhausted and know how to excuse myself to leave without hurting feelings.

But interpersonal communication is different. Especially with my mother. I have a very hard time masking around her because she challenges my agency.

For example one time I wanted to go to FREE open house at the local masssge school. Instead of just accepting I wanted to go to this event she told me I was wasting my time, it was a scam and a lot of other things I don't remember. I tried to have a reasonable discussion but we argued until I had a melt down.

If I had written my response to her, at the very least I would be removed, emotionally, and I would have avoided the melt down.