Share good puns and jokes.

[tree]

 

[Crossbreed]

Sometimes, when my kids were growing up, I would offer them vegetables as a snack choice from which they would quickly flee.
I call that the phyto-flight response...!

 

[Aeolienne]

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
With jam in.

 

[Crossbreed]

Lecturer: Have you ever considered the names for clothes...?

Do we smoke in a smoking jacket?
Do we-​

Audience Member: Before you continue this subject, could you please remove that windbreaker...?

 

[Meistersinger]

A friend of mine from college just received his DMA from the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign. His major instrument is the pipe organ. He is quite the bad punster.

When he stubs his big toe, he usually exclaims “Oh, Swell!”

when something goes wrong, “That’s just Great!”

When someone is dejected(like myself 99.999 per cent of the time), “Think Positif”

when his grandkids start begging for money, “Go Pedal your papers.”

 

[tree]

 

[Aeolienne]

What did Big Ben say to the Leaning Tower of Pisa?
I've got the time if you've got the inclination.

A joke that, incidentally, works in Italian too!

 

[Metalhead]

Why do phlebotomists buy red pens?

So that they can draw blood.

 

[dragonfire42]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants. The bartender asks “What’s that steering wheel doing in your pants?” The pirate replies, “Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”



How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.

 

[Crossbreed]

An attorney and his wife decided to adopt a Kishu. Being a Japanese breed of dog, they wanted to give her a name that sounded consistent with her nation of origin. After some time, they finally agreed to a name,...

Spoiler: So, what did they call her...!?

Sosumi!

 

[Crossbreed]

Doctor: It looks like you will need liver surgery.

Patient: I want a second opinion.

Doctor: Okay. You're funny-looking, too!

 

[Crossbreed]

I once bred a poodle with a rottweiler.

She wasn't much of a watchdog, but she was a vicious gossip...!

 

[tree]

 

[Aeolienne]

Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?
Because they always drop their needles.

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

The squirrel activists are going nuts!

 

[Wolfsage]

One wolf to another wolf.
Who ate the deer?
Woof!

 

[tree]

 

[Aeolienne]

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.

 

[Meistersinger]

Then there’s the refrain to the Advent hymn Gabriel’s message:

Most highly flavored lady. Gloria!

(A little slip of the tongue by a child chorister)

 

[dragonfire42]

Someone decides to get a singing toilet. Upon sitting down on it, the toilet sings “Do you see what I see?”