Share Healthy Asperger's Syndrome Coping Skills

[djn]

Good ideas

I like this quote from a book I read (don't remember which one). "A person with Aspergers may not remember your name, but they will want to talk about deep things within five minutes of knowing you."

 

[Easter]

Suggest both members wear balaclavas when on first dates, but don't meet near banks or building societies.

 

[King_Oni]

Suggest both members wear balaclavas when on first dates, but don't meet near banks or building societies.

Chances are this will be seen as suspicious regardless of where you are. Any form of facial covering tends to be a cause for paranoia nowadays.

 

[KassieMac]

Unless my parents are there. Maybe they do consider it rude to ask strangers/acquaintances/anyone who isn't their kid, but the way they've treated me, I don't trust them not to ask anyone else.

My entire life, every single time I've walked out of a restroom in front of my mother, whether in public or in someone's home, she asks me "Are you ok?" … out loud, regardless of who else can hear her, whether I was in there for two seconds or three days. I find this unbelievably rude and incredibly nosy. And they say WE don't understand tact??

I've tried every method of NT behavior I've ever observed to discourage this:
"Why do you ask?"
"Do you need to go?"
"Did you need to come with me?"
"Sorry, did I miss something?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"Did you think something would go wrong?"
Cock one eyebrow & ask "Seriously?"
Or even just roll my eyes, look at her friend and say "I don't know why she asks these things. Does she ask you, too?"

Nothing in their non-verbal, passive-agressive, beat around the bush, vaguely imply-without-saying methodology dissuades her from doing it again. But I can't be honest & straightforward or she goes postal, and while I'm giving a rational explanation of respect & manners she starts shrieking "CALM DOWN!!"

I've tried privately asking her not to, and she agreed, but still does it anyway. Occasionally I'll get the "I can't take you out in public, you won't behave" … which is just one more case of 'The Pot Calling The Kettle … RUDE'. (And they say we don't understand the feelings of others??) I really wish she wouldn't drag me out in public, she lives to create ways to publicly embarrass me … to the point that I've basically cut off all contact except for greeting cards & the occasional email (but only if necessary).

For The Love Of Pete, she's a frikkin great-grandmother … when will she GROW UP??

So I know nothing about how to interact with non-Aspies … except I have a very long list of things that don't work.

 

[Easter]

Chances are this will be seen as suspicious regardless of where you are. Any form of facial covering tends to be a cause for paranoia nowadays.

This is true, though a dual police arrest or even just a unity that was forged by a majority of paranoiac public opinion, might actually amplify presence of the originally sought after romance. Just depends I suppose on wether one might value love most or law, perhaps, I doubt, maybe, dunno.

 

[GHA]

djn,
This is a great thread !!!! I am sure this will help a lot of our members in adapting / building social challenges...

 

[Loomis]

In social situations I find that concentrating on feeling comfortable helps. I relax my muscles and try to purge any tension and become calm. Then I observe other's nonverbal movements and make a game out of trying to figure out what each individual person is about.

 

[GHA]

In social situations I find that concentrating on feeling comfortable helps. I relax my muscles and try to purge any tension and become calm. Then I observe other's nonverbal movements and make a game out of trying to figure out what each individual person is about.

You are not playing a game. That is a natural behavior. I am NT, and do that all the time.

 

[KassieMac]

You are not playing a game. That is a natural behavior. I am NT, and do that all the time.

Natural behavior for you. Don't be so arrogant as to assume that what is true for you is true for everyone. The fact that this is difficult or impossible for us is part of the definition of Aspergers. I've spent my life observing NTs to try to figure them out, but every observation points to incomprehensible inconsistency … most often from the same person.

I'd love to learn to do this, but my observations just add to my confusion and no one has ever been able to coherently explain how it works. As an NT on an Aspie forum, I would ask that you please be aware of & respect our inherent differences, instead of flaunting that this is "natural behavior".

If you would like to be helpful, please explain in a specific, complete, & coherent manner how to figure NTs out. And please, no references to 'find the middle ground between …', 'walk the fine line …', or 'just watch & you'll get the hang of it.' These are precisely the areas that need to be explained, because careful observation shows only that people are absolutely random & inconsistent, both internally & externally. Thanks.

 

[Loomis]

You are not playing a game. That is a natural behavior. I am NT, and do that all the time.

What are you trying to say? If I state I am playing a game how on earth can you dispute that?

You are welcome to try posting your response again but please make your meaning more clear.

 

[GHA]

What are you trying to say? If I state I am playing a game how on earth can you dispute that?

You are welcome to try posting your response again but please make your meaning more clear.

I am extremely sorry if I have hurt you in anyway. I was not disputing you at all. I just meant that we all play this game. Once again my apologies from the depth of my heart....

 

[GHA]

Natural behavior for you. Don't be so arrogant as to assume that what is true for you is true for everyone. The fact that this is difficult or impossible for us is part of the definition of Aspergers. I've spent my life observing NTs to try to figure them out, but every observation points to incomprehensible inconsistency … most often from the same person.

I'd love to learn to do this, but my observations just add to my confusion and no one has ever been able to coherently explain how it works. As an NT on an Aspie forum, I would ask that you please be aware of & respect our inherent differences, instead of flaunting that this is "natural behavior".

If you would like to be helpful, please explain in a specific, complete, & coherent manner how to figure NTs out. And please, no references to 'find the middle ground between …', 'walk the fine line …', or 'just watch & you'll get the hang of it.' These are precisely the areas that need to be explained, because careful observation shows only that people are absolutely random & inconsistent, both internally & externally. Thanks.

Firstly, I am extremely sorry that I appeared to be arrogant. Believe me, I never meant that to be. I should have been specific, complete and coherent like you rightly said... Secondly, I am here to learn from you all how to better communicate with my 32 years old son, who is an Aspie.. Sorry again!!!!

 

[Loomis]

I am extremely sorry if I have hurt you in anyway. I was not disputing you at all. I just meant that we all play this game. Once again my apologies from the depth of my heart....

No need to apologize and I was not hurt. I asked for clarity because I suspected you meant something different from what you wrote.

Aspies do not read between the lines. Since we are so poor at non-verbals we listen to and read words carefully and precisely. So when you said: "You are not playing a game." This statement was a direct contradiction of what I posted and asserted that you knew better than me what I was doing. Both KassieMac and I interpreted it the same way. Then you followed with "this is natural behavior. I am NT and do it all the time." which when read literally and when following a rejection of my understanding of my own behavior becomes confrontational and condescending.

This is actually quite a good illustration of how NTs and aspies talk to each other and fail to communicate.

Kind Regards,

Loomis

 

[GHA]

No need to apologize and I was not hurt. I asked for clarity because I suspected you meant something different from what you wrote.

Aspies do not read between the lines. Since we are so poor at non-verbals we listen to and read words carefully and precisely. So when you said: "You are not playing a game." This statement was a direct contradiction of what I posted and asserted that you knew better than me what I was doing. Both KassieMac and I interpreted it the same way. Then you followed with "this is natural behavior. I am NT and do it all the time." which when read literally and when following a rejection of my understanding of my own behavior becomes confrontational and condescending.

This is actually quite a good illustration of how NTs and aspies talk to each other and fail to communicate.

Kind Regards,

Loomis

Very eloquently put with great clarity. I am learning from all of you to support my son. Thank you!!!!

 

[KassieMac]

Firstly, I am extremely sorry that I appeared to be arrogant. Believe me, I never meant that to be. I should have been specific, complete and coherent like you rightly said... Secondly, I am here to learn from you all how to better communicate with my 32 years old son, who is an Aspie.. Sorry again!!!!

Thank you so very much! Like Loomis said, this is a good example of the misunderstandings between Aspies and NTs, but I greatly appreciate your efforts to learn & understand, and your willingness to bridge this gap. I apologize if I sounded abrupt (here and in another thread where I just replied to you), but I've spent my life asking how to understand & work with others. While most people got offended, angry & hostile, a few did attempt to answer me. The nature of those answers went something like this:

Not quite as complex as the part on the left, but even if it was that wouldn't be a problem. We tend to handle specifics well, even if they're complex. It's that vague bit he's pointing at that always tripped me up. At the time I didn't know about Aspergers, and neither did the people who were trying to explain, and it was incredibly frustrating that people expected me to do something that they couldn't explain how to do. Not an excuse, just an explanation. I'm sorry for being harsh, and thanks for your efforts to understand and connect.

KassieMac

 

[GHA]

My son wrote a passage some years back. At that time could not really understand what he meant. After a year on this forum I can relate to him better. I am attaching his passage with his permission:
People I find hard to explain

Laying my marble on walls which themselves are unlaid, I talk to this wind which moves along in my endless ways. Grass stirs up and then gets decayed; plains I shovel find no stream to settle their silt. I see delays and pauses in what bursts and then culminates in this universe; soul rides across those hues and arches that are scraped and displaced as centuries disengage and disintegrate. Corners are filled with forgone moments, open-air swirl in circles and remains tied to emptiness within me. Attracting all those spaces around, what I connect, revolves and then devolves in me, while robes that behold plunge in despair

Through these robes I see a world stripped of its own truce. World that I have known, have been so unknown to me, feathers to fly that have often tilted away from my glides, roses to savor that have pricked me with their thorns. People I had known in moist of many wheezes, in streets of myriad loves have been so unknown to me. They are People I find hard to explain, people I find so distant to what I brim. Never have I ascended their horizons to concur stars that live and die in me. Never have I hummed on their tunes to bridge so many expressions that remain unexpressed in me.

Strangers they are to my inner deliberation, I have never been liberated to exteriors they unveil. In huddle of their voices, I have lingered on my own, without any purpose, but never have they been a voice that resounds a purpose to me. Never had I known what is happiness in these corridors, never have I known what it is to be sufficed within these globules. Roads I have trekked haven’t journeyed me, trails I have followed haven’t carried me, in those invisible clouts I have been fragment disowned, an erosion unconsoled. Beneath the surface of my furbish, there is tainted isle for you to see, thickened in mist of sorrow there remains a mountain of contradiction that is for no one to see, a sea of restlessness with unending depth for no one to see. So I dip and rise in my own figment, as this nothingness ceases to be defined to find disparage around me

 

[KassieMac]

GHA, thanks so much for sharing your son's work … it is amazing, and he must be a truly remarkable person. And thanks again for your willingness to connect, not just to him, but to all of us.

Kassie

 

[GHA]

GHA, thanks so much for sharing your son's work … it is amazing, and he must be a truly remarkable person. And thanks again for your willingness to connect, not just to him, but to all of us.

Kassie

Thanks so much.. Yes he is a wonderful person like all of you. I find myself privileged to be on amongst you all....

 

[Atay]

I find it so frustrating to try to get the nuance. So exhausting...I'm just so literal with everything by nature.

 

[GHA]

Social interaction used to be a nightmare for my son. He has somehow managed to deal with it; I find him now quite comfortable in big gatherings. He just avoids small talk. He says, he creates a superficial identity and pre-plan every social event he has to attend. The problem he faces is at workplace where office politics is still a challenge for him. How he will overcome this challenge?? Only time will tell.. I have worked for 40 years as a banker, retired as CEO of an Investment Bank. I am therefore, aware of what office politics is all about. Its cruel and brutal, like a jungle law " survival of the brutes" Its all about how well we sell ourselves and use others. Its not about how good we are at work....