Should I ask? Am I brave enough to *know*?

[Slithytoves]

I've been thinking for the last hour or so about communication in relationships. It seems to me that one of the toughest things to do in partnership is to ask serious and important questions when you know the answer may upset you, or when you know that it opens the door for a discussion (or your partner's private thoughts afterwards) that may lead somewhere unsettling.

The alternative to asking is speculating, which can create monsters in your head that may be much scarier than the possible real ones you're avoiding. Then again, sometimes just asking a question by itself can cause friction with a partner. We say honesty is vital to a healthy relationship, but seeking it (or not) can be a very hazardous proposition.

When you want to know something from your partner -- something intimidating for whatever reason -- do you just go ahead and ask? How do you prepare yourself for the question, and for the answer? Have you ever been caught off-guard by an answer you seek, to the extent that it caused you a crisis?

As much as it frightens me sometimes, I always ask what I want/need to know. I choose my moment when I can. I choose my words when I can. But then I have to relinquish control and let the answer be the answer, prepared to accept that even a little monster I imagine may be quite real and sized beyond my expectations. I also force myself to be honest. To be vulnerable. To perhaps lose power or esteem for my revelations. I do it because I feel it's owed. Real love, to my mind, requires cultivated fearlessness as much as it requires anything else.

And you?


(Edited for typo)

 

[On the Inside]

I ask very little, and when I do I very carefully choose my words, tone, time, etc. Which means that I can wait for a long time for everything to align. Generally, I'm comfortable with this. I'm not too wrapped up in the need to know, I like the live and let live mindset.

This has, however, resulted in my partner thinking that I am not giving myself over to the relationship.

My partner(NT), on the other hand, asks anything that might come to mind, regardless of where, when, how, or whether the answer might be not to her liking. She wants honesty and transparency, which is often a challenge for me. I try to give the honest open truth, but truthfully, I don't always know, or have the ability to explain (clear communication is not always easy for me).

 

[Suzanne]

I know exactly what you mean! It takes an enormous amount of courage to ask for something from my nt husband; because inevitably it is always negative and no matter how much I psych myself up, I get upset.

I tend to go into surreal mode and see myself asking lol and sometimes, depending on what it is, I am either hurt of pleasantly surprised.

Like because I asked my husband to help with washing up, it resulted in him accusing me of being selfish and once I got past the hurt of such a lie, I asked him in what ways and he confessed that I am not actually selfish.

It is hard enough being man and woman and imperfect but to add aspie and nt together; woah surprised we are celebrating our 24 this year lol

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Some proverbs & lines ricochet around my head, like bullets buzzing to get out. The ones that did:

"I shall use them as they deserve."
"God's body, man, much better! Use us all as we deserve, and who among us shall escape whipping?"
--Hamlet

"If you pull off my mask, what will I wear for a face?"
--Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? (John Powell)

"What has been seen cannot be unseen."
--unremembered

"You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor."
"Who is my neighbor?"
--Hebrew & Christian Scriptures

Final quote I recalled, but had to look up to let it out of my head:

"...And what has been said of Friendship may more reasonably be presum'd of Matrimony, which in truth is no other than an inseparable conjunction of life. Good God! What Divorces, or what not worse than that, would daily happen, were not the converse between a man and his wife supported and cherished by flattery, apishnesse, gentlenesse, ignorance, dissembling--retainers of mine also? Whoop holiday! ...And for this also ye are beholding to me, by whose means it is that Husband is pleasant to his Wife, the Wife to her Husband..."
--The Praise of Folly, "Folly Makes Society Delightful"

Of myself, now that my mind is turning these things over, total honesty is a severity that none of us can withstand, for the mystery of turning the phrase at the right time with love is so demanding an endeavor that it is almost impossible to do at the pace of life. It is often better to be silent; for we are not necessarily mysterious to ourselves, so much as unaware of our effects. And so I find love both silent, and aware.

 

[Slithytoves]

I'm not too wrapped up in the need to know, I like the live and let live mindset.

I try to give the honest open truth, but truthfully, I don't always know, or have the ability to explain (clear communication is not always easy for me).

I wrote that "I always ask what I want/need to know," but I'm also not someone who wants or needs to know everything. A partner is entitled to their privacy, and as you mentioned, shouldn't necessarily be prodded to explain what for them may not be readily explicable. And of course if you ask too many questions they eventually may not be taken seriously. But I think many of us sense when something is genuinely important to/in a relationship. We certainly know when a question is important enough to us that not asking could foment distress (though it's true that some people are more discriminating and/or more sensitive than others).

I've also found that partners may have things they'd like to express but are reluctant to do so. So when I get the feeling that something is important enough, I look at asking as giving permission for that expression. There's always the option to decline answering. That's something else I am careful to prepare for. If I'm willing to ask, I also have to be willing to honor my partner's right to refuse, and make it clear that I do. In that case, I have to either live with the monsters or find a way to kill them off.

Of myself, now that my mind is turning these things over, total honesty is a severity that none of us can withstand, for the mystery of turning the phrase at the right time with love is so demanding an endeavor that it is almost impossible to do at the pace of life. It is often better to be silent; for we are not necessarily mysterious to ourselves, so much as unaware of our effects. And so I find love both silent, and aware.

My instinct is to agree with you, as in my own life I have found what you've said to be as true as what I did, and not at all contradictory given the scope and complexity of interactions within a couple. I have, however, seen so many examples in which one can overestimate the acuity of their "silent awareness", and in which the internal consequences of silence are even more severe than those of total honesty, either one to the detriment of a union. I've just watched a couple I adored fall to ruin, in large part for questions that one or both were afraid to ask and crucial information that was never volunteered. I've been hearing some of those questions from one of them now; too little, too late, and to the wrong damn person.

The combination of your own post and On the Inside's makes me think that one of the first things a person should gauge when they consider entering a relationship is the compatibility of attitudes on asking. There is such a vast range of tolerances. For myself, I've known for a long time that I can only sustain a relationship with someone who is willing to accept a question and discuss it more often than not. I'm a more curious person than many, but my curiosity isn't often trivial once a relationship is fairly established. I've been lucky in that my partners of any duration have always accepted this. Call it a consequence of my own brand of sapiosexuality, I suppose.

Even if this thread is short-lived, the answers the two of you have given me have been more than satisfying food for thought.

 

[Slithytoves]

It also occurs to me that "asking" is an art. I'm not claiming to have mastered it, but I do try diligently to create an atmosphere of openness and acceptance for every question that passes my lips.

 

[Tom]

I have a similar approach as you, but am probably not that brave. I also might not ask if there is not a true need to know, and am willing to let some things just remain unexamined. But if the question is crucial to preserving the relationship, then yes I will ask for the sake to dealing with it openly. And I also have found bearing a good caravan's worth of spice's, chocolates and gift's, like a ancient seeking the help of an oracle helps... but only if it also includes a serious cash wad, and I am talking k's not chump change here. The oracle seems to have the power to alter the outcome of things.

 

[Harrison]

It's enlightening to read the above posts as I grew up in a world where it was better not to ask. As a result I became more of a 'watcher' looking for signs, and more often than not refusing to accept what I saw.

The last few years have taught me otherwise, that in not asking I am at risk of hurting myself through my ignorance. I still find it hard though, to believe that I can speak freely or listen with the same values of non judgement as I think should be granted.

Perhaps it was because I never knew I was an aspie, had no words to convey how or why I felt a certain way. I have faced many dangerous situations in my life head on, but relationship conversations always frighten the crap out of me

 

[Judge]

Some very good questions. Unfortunately I can't say that I have some very good answers to them. I also I grew up in a world where it was often better not to ask.

Yet looking back, I can't say taking that stance in itself ever seriously impacted any of my relationships either.

 

[On the Inside]

So when I get the feeling that something is important enough, I look at asking as giving permission for that expression. There's always the option to decline answering. That's something else I am careful to prepare for. If I'm willing to ask, I also have to be willing to honor my partner's right to refuse, and make it clear that I do.

That perspective is golden, as it gives both the opportunity to ask and the right(?) to decline to answer. One must be willing to accept that someone might have a good reason for not wanting to answer, not right now anyway.

I have the tendency to answer questions with what I gauge to be the "right" answer, as I avoid conflict like the plague. I have been able to minimize that, and I have been able to give half an answer now, and maybe give a little more after some thought. The full extent may come a year from now.

The trouble is when there are suspicions about the asking or about the answers. But then, those suspicions would signal that there is something not quite right about things, and questions need to be asked.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I wrote that "I always ask what I want/need to know," but I'm also not someone who wants or needs to know everything. A partner is entitled to their privacy, and as you mentioned, shouldn't necessarily be prodded to explain what for them may not be readily explicable....So when I get the feeling that something is important enough, I look at asking as giving permission for that expression.

There's always the option to decline answering. That's something else I am careful to prepare for. If I'm willing to ask, I also have to be willing to honor my partner's right to refuse, and make it clear that I do. In that case, I have to either live with the monsters or find a way to kill them off.

True dat, in my view. The stories I tell myself when my partner invokes right-to-refuse are more often a reflection of my fears than what I would see if we both looked together. My partner can have my perspective, but he need not tear away his privacy or his mask just because I'm nervous about whether there's a face under there. My partner has sometimes not informed me of things because he was protecting himself from me at my least-admirable.

My instinct is to agree with you, as in my own life I have found what you've said to be as true as what I did, and not at all contradictory given the scope and complexity of interactions within a couple. I have, however, seen so many examples in which one can overestimate the acuity of their "silent awareness", and in which the internal consequences of silence are even more severe than those of total honesty, either one to the detriment of a union. I've just watched a couple I adored fall to ruin, in large part for questions that one or both were afraid to ask and crucial information that was never volunteered. I've been hearing some of those questions from one of them now; too little, too late, and to the wrong damn person.

I'm sorry. Been there myself. There's a line from a Bruce Springsteen song called "Tunnel of Love" that goes something like, "how small those things we were so scared of, ridin' on down/into the Tunnel of Love."

The combination of your own post and On the Inside's makes me think that one of the first things a person should gauge when they consider entering a relationship is the compatibility of attitudes on asking. There is such a vast range of tolerances. For myself, I've known for a long time that I can only sustain a relationship with someone who is willing to accept a question and discuss it more often than not. I'm a more curious person than many, but my curiosity isn't often trivial once a relationship is fairly established. I've been lucky in that my partners of any duration have always accepted this. Call it a consequence of my own brand of sapiosexuality, I suppose.

Even if this thread is short-lived, the answers the two of you have given me have been more than satisfying food for thought.

I'm happy you found something in my blatherings that you could make use of. I retain the right to be wrong

Sapiosexuality ought to be a word.

 

[TeriM]

I rarely ask for a few reasons, I am scared I won't get the answer I want but also because I don't want to pressure him in to a meltdown!! Every now and again I ask things but in a way that is not confrontational. I am not sure it is a good thing. He has his ideal relationship, a woman who lets him have his space, doesn't give him a hard time and doesn't push him out of his comfort zone.

 

[Slithytoves]

I grew up in a world where it was better not to ask.

I have faced many dangerous situations in my life head on, but relationship conversations always frighten the crap out of me

I definitely think there is a major generational element involved, when we look at this broadly. Many Baby Boomers carried on with the "ask not" mindset of their parents' generation when it comes to partnership. Gen-Xers were the first group distinguished by a more daring and direct communication style that has now become pretty much de rigueur. Admittedy, Gen-X is also more entitled than our predecessors. It's one of our ugliest traits. Some of our attitudes about asking questions probably come from a sense that we deserve to know whatever we want. That's one of the tests I run on a question before deciding whether or not to ask it.

Relationship conversations frighten the crap out of me, too. There's very little that hits closer to my most vulnerable places than a serious conversation with my partner about my partnership. I have to say, though, you do a really good job for someone who professes fear. Your candor (and it not just Aspie bluntness) is one of your most appealing qualities.

I have the tendency to answer questions with what I gauge to be the "right" answer, as I avoid conflict like the plague. I have been able to minimize that, and I have been able to give half an answer now, and maybe give a little more after some thought. The full extent may come a year from now.

The trouble is when there are suspicions about the asking or about the answers. But then, those suspicions would signal that there is something not quite right about things, and questions need to be asked.

I like that approach, of giving half an answer now with more to (possibly) come later. It only makes sense that someone wouldn't always be prepared with a complete response on demand, so your method sounds like a satisfying peacekeeper. Everybody gets something.

I get annoyed like when I detect ulterior motives behind a question, feel like my answer is being manipulated in any way (before or after it leaves my mouth), or if a question of my own elicits the "safe" or "right" answer. All of these insult my intelligence.

"I'd rather die being gutted by honesty than smothered by bullsh*t." - Gene Hackman

I think you're spot-on with your last comment.

True dat, in my view. The stories I tell myself when my partner invokes right-to-refuse are more often a reflection of my fears than what I would see if we both looked together. My partner can have my perspective, but he need not tear away his privacy or his mask just because I'm nervous about whether there's a face under there. My partner has sometimes not informed me of things because he was protecting himself from me at my least-admirable.

Sapiosexuality ought to be a word.

Yup, yup and yup on the first section I quoted. Well said.

"Sapiosexuality" has been bandied about on forums for so long that it's bound to make it into the OED eventually. It's been rejected by Collins and Merriam-Webster to date, but more and more people (rightly or wrongly) are identifying with it. I apply it both to intelligence and to communication. A truly good communicator is darn sexy.

 

[Slithytoves]

I rarely ask for a few reasons, I am scared I won't get the answer I want but also because I don't want to pressure him in to a meltdown!! Every now and again I ask things but in a way that is not confrontational. I am not sure it is a good thing. He has his ideal relationship, a woman who lets him have his space, doesn't give him a hard time and doesn't push him out of his comfort zone.

I would propose that with some real thought you can set the stage for any discussion in a way that won't trigger a meltdown. So much of communication in a relationship is about learning how to get the best results from your combination of personalities and limits.

Do you feel you've ever sacrificed anything important for trying to keep him in his "ideal relationship"? Women seem to do that way too often. I'm not suggesting you do; just curious to hear your thoughts.

 

[TeriM]

I would propose that with some real thought you can set the stage for any discussion in a way that won't trigger a meltdown. So much of communication in a relationship is about learning how to get the best results from your combination of personalities and limits.

Do you feel you've ever sacrificed anything important for trying to keep him in his "ideal relationship"? Women seem to do that way too often. I'm not suggesting you do; just curious to hear your thoughts.

Yes I think I sometimes sacrifice who I am, I put up with things I would never put up with from
A NT guy and I feel neglected a lot of the time. Now I am not high maintainence or I would not be in this relationship but I think I try so hard to be understanding of his needs my have gotten lost a long the way

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

...Every now and again I ask things but in a way that is not confrontational. I am not sure it is a good thing. He has his ideal relationship...

You said a lot in a few words. Depending on which ones I select, I get a different reading. I'll put the English teacher hat on for a moment, by your leave, and ask: "What is the antecedent of 'it?'"

All of my other questions feel vaguely invasive. [And that line is one of my oblique signals for "Do you want to say more?" in as low-pressure a way as possible.]

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I would propose that with some real thought you can set the stage for any discussion in a way that won't trigger a meltdown.

I voted Optimistic on this. Speaking as someone who has been both the subject and the initiator of this kind of thing, it can read to a discerning other as manipulative, at best, depending on what else is in the backdrop. In my view, this kind of conversation is both transactional and systemic: if both parties are prepared for unintended and unthought consequences, it's the best I've ever been able to do. And I've rarely been as prepared as I thought I was. Your mileage may vary.

 

[Judge]

I would propose that with some real thought you can set the stage for any discussion in a way that won't trigger a meltdown. So much of communication in a relationship is about learning how to get the best results from your combination of personalities and limits.

Stands to reason. Also forces me to wonder how often someone asks about something that is really bothering them without effectively preparing such potentially sensitive questions in advance.

 

[TeriM]

You said a lot in a few words. Depending on which ones I select, I get a different reading. I'll put the English teacher hat on for a moment, by your leave, and ask: "What is the antecedent of 'it?'"

All of my other questions feel vaguely invasive. [And that line is one of my oblique signals for "Do you want to say more?" in as low-pressure a way as possible.]

I guess I mean is it a good thing in the sense that does it make me dishonest. He does not treat me badly at all, I know he would hate to hurt me so I accept that things are different with him but sometimes I find it difficult, still I do not blame him.
Feel free to ask me anything you like )

 

[TeriM]

Stands to reason. Also forces me to wonder how often someone asks about something that is really bothering them without effectively preparing such potentially sensitive questions in advance.

I am a typical NT woman, you know overly emotional but I have gotten so good at being reflective and not reactive in this relationship. If I have anything to say I always put a lot of thought into how it should be said and if it is really important enough to need saying. Whereas before I would definitely say most of my 'questions' would come out as emotional outburst which were unconstructive and damaging.