Should I ask? Am I brave enough to *know*?

[On the Inside]

I like that approach, of giving half an answer now with more to (possibly) come later. It only makes sense that someone wouldn't always be prepared with a complete response on demand, so your method sounds like a satisfying peacekeeper. Everybody gets something.

I get annoyed like when I detect ulterior motives behind a question, feel like my answer is being manipulated in any way (before or after it leaves my mouth), or if a question of my own elicits the "safe" or "right" answer. All of these insult my intelligence.

"I'd rather die being gutted by honesty than smothered by bullsh*t." - Gene Hackman

I think you're spot-on with your last comment.

I guess that's why he's Gene Hackman and I'm not. Actually I can take honesty, just can't detect BS that well, and I'm learning that I've been handed quite a bit of it in the past, and dished out my fair share.

I like my method, too, though it hasn't resulted in long lasting satisfying peace. The idea about ulterior motives behind questions gets to me often, and I've felt I've been "set up" a few times where I was cornered and unfortunately tried to shift, parry and give half answers, even lie because I wasn't able to see it for what it was, a deliberate attempt to test me. I HATE being set up, and don't know how to handle it except becoming defensive. Defensiveness usually results in shutdown for me.

I don't mind safe answers, they at least acknowledge that the question has been asked. I feel the truth will come out eventually, and it won't need prodding by asking uncomfortable questions. I've been called weak and a doormat before too, though.

 

[On the Inside]

I rarely ask for a few reasons, I am scared I won't get the answer I want but also because I don't want to pressure him in to a meltdown!! Every now and again I ask things but in a way that is not confrontational. I am not sure it is a good thing. He has his ideal relationship, a woman who lets him have his space, doesn't give him a hard time and doesn't push him out of his comfort zone.

That may be an ideal relationship for him (I'd like me some of that myself) but are you getting what you need out of it? I hope he is aware and appreciative of your kind and accepting attitude.

 

[Slithytoves]

Yes I think I sometimes sacrifice who I am, I put up with things I would never put up with from A NT guy and I feel neglected a lot of the time. Now I am not high maintainence or I would not be in this relationship but I think I try so hard to be understanding of his needs my have gotten lost a long the way

Be careful with that. Someday those lost needs could resurface as resentments. I have no doubt you know that.

I voted Optimistic on this. Speaking as someone who has been both the subject and the initiator of this kind of thing, it can read to a discerning other as manipulative, at best, depending on what else is in the backdrop. In my view, this kind of conversation is both transactional and systemic: if both parties are prepared for unintended and unthought consequences, it's the best I've ever been able to do. And I've rarely been as prepared as I thought I was. Your mileage may vary.

I agree with all you said. This is where discussing in general terms gets tricky. Ultimately, I can only speak for my own case. I make a point early on in a relationship of explaining how I operate (which is best summarized as "transparently"), and leave it to my partner to either accept it as true and keep it in mind, or to doubt me. If the latter, they really shouldn't have bothered investing with me to begin with; they'll likely be wasting a lot of time and energy hunting for subtexts and agendas that aren't there. And there is always the prerogative to answer my question with a question. I have to consider that fair if I presume to ask something sensitive.

I'm not always as prepared as I think I am, either. But one nifty skill I've developed over time which I would call imperative to my approach is the ability to objectively say, "Well, you had that coming," when I get more than I bargained for. When I do, I make sure I accept blame before I allow another thought to form. My partner bears no liability whatsoever.

Learning professional objectivity techniques in my study for the rabbinate and social work has been revolutionary for my communication. I don't expect that everybody should be expected (or even able) to employ them. This can lead to a weird imbalance between me and my partners, but it's been very helpful more often than not.

Stands to reason. Also forces me to wonder how often someone asks about something that is really bothering them without effectively preparing such potentially sensitive questions in advance.

Waaaaay more often than it should, I'm sure. A major problem with sensitive questions is that we tend to ask them when we're not in the right frame of mind to think before we ask. They often come as compulsions when we're feeling emotional; when we are at our weakest in terms of our ability to deal with the stark or unexpected. Bummer for us on both sides of a conversation.

 

[Slithytoves]

The idea about ulterior motives behind questions gets to me often, and I've felt I've been "set up" a few times where I was cornered and unfortunately tried to shift, parry and give half answers, even lie because I wasn't able to see it for what it was, a deliberate attempt to test me. I HATE being set up, and don't know how to handle it except becoming defensive. Defensiveness usually results in shutdown for me.

I feel for you. I detest set-ups. They're so unfair, yet standard practice in many relationships. No wonder why people are wary. The best I can do on my side is commit to a code that prohibits them, but on the other side, my partner has to believe in me enough to trust that I have so committed.

I'm one of the lucky few who have never been dumped by a partner before. Thinking about it, a lot of my exits have been over (1) a partner's tactics in communication, (2) their refusal to trust me when they have no evidence that I'm not true to my word about how I comport myself in communication, or (3) both. Communication is one area where I simply do not mess around.

 

[On the Inside]

I'm one of the lucky few who have never been dumped by a partner before.

Alas, always the dumpee, for me. Except once where it was mutual, though she brought it up first.

 

[Slithytoves]

Alas, always the dumpee, for me. Except once where it was mutual, though she brought it up first.

You may have thought of it first. You never know. I'd say go ahead and take the point for that round.

 

[On the Inside]

Thanks, I'll take what I can get at this point.

This has been a timely discussion for me as communication between my partner and I is on a wild seesaw between good and bad. Lots of water under the bridge that gets pumped back upstream for another run through. I'm not very good at being reassuring, and I've said things in the heat of the moment that have been taken as Gospel, written in stone. Most of which were answers to questions that I thought were safe, honest answers, for the time but subject to change upon further reflection.

Have to say I've made a right mess of things, though.

I'm not always as prepared as I think I am, either. But one nifty skill I've developed over time which I would call imperative to my approach is the ability to objectively say, "Well, you had that coming," when I get more than I bargained for. When I do, I make sure I accept blame before I allow another thought to form. My partner bears no liability whatsoever.

Learning professional objectivity techniques in my study for the rabbinate and social work has been revolutionary for my communication. I don't expect that everybody should be expected (or even able) to employ them. This can lead to a weird imbalance between me and my partners, but it's been very helpful more often than not.

That sounds like a very valuable learning experience. I guess that is one thing about my partner and me, an imbalance in communication skills. She was recruited for law school, but declined for a different masters degree, but the lawerly skills are a natural for her.

 

[TeriM]

That may be an ideal relationship for him (I'd like me some of that myself) but are you getting what you need out of it? I hope he is aware and appreciative of your kind and accepting attitude.

I have tried to give this some thought before replying. I think I get a lot of what I need, I know he gives me everything he can. We talk which is why I understand him. I would like more of his time but respect his need for space. For me the one thing I guess that lacks is reassurance sometimes.
Thank you for your kind words, he does appreciate it and has told me I am very different from others he has dated. I only tend to get down when I start to miss him x

 

[On the Inside]

As I stated in another reply, reassurance is hard for me, but I don't know if it is a common trait among Aspies. I suspect it might be.

Wish you the best.

 

[Slithytoves]

This has been a timely discussion for me as communication between my partner and I is on a wild seesaw between good and bad. Lots of water under the bridge that gets pumped back upstream for another run through. I'm not very good at being reassuring, and I've said things in the heat of the moment that have been taken as Gospel, written in stone. Most of which were answers to questions that I thought were safe, honest answers, for the time but subject to change upon further reflection.

Have to say I've made a right mess of things, though.

I'm glad it's been useful. That's another major pet peeve of mine; resurrection of old subjects, or worse, hauling a whole litany of old material into a single argument. But it does happen. Sometimes it has to, for one reason or another. It's just nice if both parties can be discriminating.

Depending on your partner's factors of the moment, sometimes there's just no way to come out of a conversation unscathed no matter what you say. You just gotta throw up our hands and let what's done be done. You can't anticipate everything. That is why I like having a personal code for discussions, though. At least then I can be consistent.

Feel free not to answer, but why do you feel you're not good at being reassuring?

PS: Except by certain unconscionable actions, it takes two to make a mess in a relationship. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you might be being a little too hard on yourself.

That sounds like a very valuable learning experience. I guess that is one thing about my partner and me, an imbalance in communication skills. She was recruited for law school, but declined for a different masters degree, but the lawerly skills are a natural for her.

I was raised by a father with a rather ugly cocktail of mental illnesses, including Narcissistic Personality and Bipolar I disorders. He was also highly intelligent with an amazing capacity for thinking and speaking on his feet when aroused. There was simply no getting around him. He could cut me to ribbons in a heartbeat. It was because there was never any hope of predicting or mitigating his communication that I found it essential to learn to control mine exceptionally well. My reactions, too. I had mixed success with this on my own, but when I got a chance to learn formal techniques, I was overjoyed.

I don't think there are many couples out there who are evenly matched in argument. If it's not straightforward verbal prowess that tips the scales, it's capacity for self-righteousness, dramatics, wile and/or distortion. Women often have the advantage in all of the above. It's no reflection on you if you feel outgunned. I'd say it makes you just about average.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I guess I mean is it a good thing in the sense that does it make me dishonest.

Here's a question I want to put to all those "EQ experts:" (I'm looking at you, Daniel Goleman and Pamela Myer): Define honesty. Include the concepts of mercy, kindness, the nature of truth and falsehood, values and priorities, and how these things are normally explored and exercised in any one of the following scenarios:

1. A civil lawsuit.
2. A dispute over a parking space at the mall the day before Christmas.
3. Punishment of a child for a minor offence, such as making everyone late leaving the house.

A good answer will address whether honesty is the means to an end or the end itself. Pencils down in two hours.

I am a typical NT woman, you know overly emotional

I'd dispute that on several grounds. Aspies are intensely emotional even though you get little read on that before the controls break down. I also argue that men are intensely emotional (and even more hostage to hormones, for longer, than women are).

The best questions come from the most painful moments.

 

[On the Inside]

Feel free not to answer, but why do you feel you're not good at being reassuring?

Started a response but it was getting too personal, so I pm'd it.

Lets just say that my powers of persuasion have never been very keen. But thanks for saying I'm probably average. Average is good at this point.

 

[TeriM]

I'd dispute that on several grounds. Aspies are intensely emotional even though you get little read on that before the controls break down. I also argue that men are intensely emotional (and even more hostage to hormones, for longer, than women are).

I am sorry that was not meant as a criticism in anyway it was a light hearted joke about myself. I did not say men are not emotional, I was only talking about myself. My partner keeps his emotions in check because he finds it very hard to express them verbally if I was to act like an emotional drama Queen it would just cause him to withdraw.

 

[dragonwolf]

My husband(NT) and I have been exploring the world of BDSM and Dom/sub relationships, and this is an area where it has improved our relationship greatly.

Contrary to popular belief, the lifestyle isn't about one demanding everything and the other complying without question. The entire thing is built on trust and communication. Without either, the whole thing falls apart.

Part of the foundation for that is a set of mutually agreed upon rules and expectations, including an "open door" policy. That means that if either of us has questions or concerns, it's expected that we being it up.

It can still be difficult to broach a given subject, but the expectation, understanding, and responsibility that comes with the arrangement makes it a little easier to deal with.

 

[Whatisknown]

I am afraid to tell someone about me to much. Just in case they won't like me anymore or treat me like a kid.

 

[kyliewyote]

I'm back reading through posts after being absent for a while.

I think asking depends upon each person. I am the type of person who would rather ask, be asked, and know everything on a situation, so I can process it and decide what to do. I have been very close to others (my brother and my ex) who prefer to shell up, not talk, and avoid issues. That was incredibly hard for me, as I'm a person who wants...or even needs....to share my feelings and thoughts.

I would say to ask, but do so carefully, and with respect and acceptance of how they may react. Hopefully they want to open up too, but some may not (and, sometimes the answer may not be what was wished for).
I put my heart on the line a number of months ago with an aspie interest after reading through this forum....things are going slowly but wonderfully....(thank you all)

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I am sorry that was not meant as a criticism in anyway it was a light hearted joke about myself. I did not say men are not emotional, I was only talking about myself. My partner keeps his emotions in check because he finds it very hard to express them verbally if I was to act like an emotional drama Queen it would just cause him to withdraw.

I just saw this, no, I didn't hear it as a criticism--I only meant to say that women aren't more emotional, just allowed to be more expressive (and command less respect when they do so). Totally agree with your point about emotional intensity causing withdrawal, and I am so sorry for not keeping up with this and seeing your comment sooner, I had no intention of coming across like that...I'm sorry.