Should I go or stay away?

[NB79]

If you feel like you may regret it afterwards if you don't attend, you should go, but not to please anyone else, just for yourself
whats the worst that can happen if you go? you could go at 'last minute' to the 'ceremony' or i don't know etc and nothing else.

 

[Nairobi]

If you decide not to go, you could say that you felt too ill. It would be the truth, of the prospect of facing the event makes you psychologically unwell. I say this sometimes, without going into detail - and I firmly believe this is the truth - others don't have the aftermath I deal with following an event, either. I recently felt obliged to go to a social gathering, and I left early, disappointing the hosts - but I ended up doing nothing else that weekend AND had to call out sick on Monday. People don't realize how badly we can be affected. And yes, they might say we are exaggerating or faking - well, I no longer believe that due to the pandemic - how badly a lot of people reacted to the lockdown, and the outpouring of support from celebrities and everyone else about virtually holding everyone's hand, telling them they weren't alone, etc. I think the way extroverts felt being locked down is the stress I feel as an introvert - and an Aspie - going out into the world every day.

 

[Berkana]

I read this last night but wanted time to think about it. I can't speak on what you should do because I'm not you. I can run you through my thoughts on this. I've known for some time that someday I'll be in a similar situation when my dad dies. I have thought through, should I go or not? On one side that experience will only happen once and it's an experience that may actually provide healthy growth, closure, compassion, an understanding maybe?

One the other side, the part that keeps me (my future me) from not going is what I know (based on past experiences) I'll have to deal with family-wise. But the thing I've realized is I don't actually know how it will go. I've come to understand that how I view the possible future can be quite wrong and people don't act they way I think they will (that I'm certain they will!!).

Letting go and allowing more experiences to happen that I think will be negative has done two things. One, allowed me to heal bit by bit by allowing myself to feel differently than I thought I would. To show my brain and body (emotions are harbored in the body) that it doesn't have to be static. Two, lessed my fear of them in some way. Because that's usually what it is for me, fear of feeling the pain. Even when I'm right and the experiences are terrible, it gives me the opportunity to handle it differently. I don't always, the brain's habits with emotions are pretty tough to redirect, but they can be. I speak only for myself as my experience is all I truly know.

Good luck with what you decide, only you can make the decision and both will probably have some forms of pros/cons.

The last thought I have is while I talk about feeling pain and learning, that's the point I'm at after years of therapy and practice. It's a form of self compassion to do what's best for you and to be kind to yourself. To not push it if you're not there. To meet yourself where you're at and not where you wish you were. You know yourself best and you will be your best advocate. Take care.

 

[NB79]

If you decide not to go, you could say that you felt too ill. It would be the truth, of the prospect of facing the event makes you psychologically unwell. I say this sometimes, without going into detail - and I firmly believe this is the truth - others don't have the aftermath I deal with following an event, either. I recently felt obliged to go to a social gathering, and I left early, disappointing the hosts - but I ended up doing nothing else that weekend AND had to call out sick on Monday. People don't realize how badly we can be affected. And yes, they might say we are exaggerating or faking - well, I no longer believe that due to the pandemic - how badly a lot of people reacted to the lockdown, and the outpouring of support from celebrities and everyone else about virtually holding everyone's hand, telling them they weren't alone, etc. I think the way extroverts felt being locked down is the stress I feel as an introvert - and an Aspie - going out into the world every day.

I have had lots of shutdowns and bad experiences, that let me exausted 'spiritually', but nothing that bad.
I guess i am a 'tough guy' in this sense, i am used to my nerves being mistreated.

 

[Nairobi]

I have had lots of shutdowns and bad experiences, that let me exausted 'spiritually', but nothing that bad.
I guess i am a 'tough guy' in this sense, i am used to my nerves being mistreated.

I used to be a lot tougher, but then I think I finally wore down and broke. But what happens to me is that I am unable to get my mind around anything anymore - so it is useless for work. Plus I then have sleep disturbances that further exhaust me physically - so I wind up useless and needing to rest. By rest I mean go slow, go my pace, do essential things I need to catch up on like laundry, resting as I need to, blanking out when I need to, engaging in something that winds me down or distracts me. By doing nothing, I really mean I don't meet any outside obligations, I focus on my own self-care/survival.

 

[NB79]

I used to be a lot tougher, but then I think I finally wore down and broke. But what happens to me is that I am unable to get my mind around anything anymore - so it is useless for work. Plus I then have sleep disturbances that further exhaust me physically - so I wind up useless and needing to rest. By rest I mean go slow, go my pace, do essential things I need to catch up on like laundry, resting as I need to, blanking out when I need to, engaging in something that winds me down or distracts me. By doing nothing, I really mean I don't meet any outside obligations, I focus on my own self-care/survival.

Yes i do the same 'just taking it easy' because 'i can't handle much more' spiritually.

 

[Martha Ferris]

Think about this: all the rituals surrounding a death are about the living. The dead don't care.
What would be best for you? Are you going just so other people will not think badly of you? How much does this matter to you? Do you have any kind of good relationships within your family that would weigh your decsion in favor of going? Have any of your family members reached out in any helpful/friendly way to you over the years? If not why would they change their attitude now? How long will you have to endure the whole process? Will you regret, some time in the future, not going do you think?
I am estranged from my family and will not go to any death rituals that take place (there are many looming in the future). I am done with doing things I don't want to do and putting myself through the torture of being with people who do not add anything of value to my life just because "I am supposed to." I don't care what people think about it. Any disapproval that they have about my choice would be just one more thing in a lifetime of disapproval and intolerance from them. I am not hanging onto past issues. Nothing has changed in my relationships with family. The issues remain a current and factual part of my life and I don't need to expect that by some miracle those issues won't appear regardless of the setting.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

plan something fun afterwards

Maybe go to the Detroit institute of Arts where my mother introduced me to that fabulous Diego Rivera mural will help put things in the right frame. Recreational weed is legal in michigan but I don't know how that will affect me at a function.

 

[KimS]

Don't feel bad at all about missing the ceremony. You have no reason to feel guilty.

I had a similar experience. I was the only sibling left who hadn't gone NC with my dad and my step-mother was divorcing him, so I took care of him during his last year. That year brought up so many awful memories and he was hell on wheels to deal with! His estate lawyer of all people offered me the best emotional guidance. He pulled me aside privately to tell me my dad was abusive and I deserved better, and talked about his observations as an estate lawyer near an expensive retirement community. He said old people tend to get the final months they've earned. The ones who treated their families badly end up bitter and alone. I made sure dad was in a safe place until the end and didn't go to his funeral. Actually, no one from his first or second families accepted their invitation to the funeral. I have never regretted that decision. I'm still struggling a bit coming to terms with the neglect/abuse, but my main focus is building a loving, safe home. Studying adult survivors of abuse was a special interest for me for months, and I never encountered anyone who regretted skipping funerals of those who harmed them.

 

[Mary Terry]

Don't feel bad at all about missing the ceremony. You have no reason to feel guilty.

I had a similar experience. I was the only sibling left who hadn't gone NC with my dad and my step-mother was divorcing him, so I took care of him during his last year. That year brought up so many awful memories and he was hell on wheels to deal with! His estate lawyer of all people offered me the best emotional guidance. He pulled me aside privately to tell me my dad was abusive and I deserved better, and talked about his observations as an estate lawyer near an expensive retirement community. He said old people tend to get the final months they've earned. The ones who treated their families badly end up bitter and alone. I made sure dad was in a safe place until the end and didn't go to his funeral. Actually, no one from his first or second families accepted their invitation to the funeral. I have never regretted that decision. I'm still struggling a bit coming to terms with the neglect/abuse, but my main focus is building a loving, safe home. Studying adult survivors of abuse was a special interest for me for months, and I never encountered anyone who regretted skipping funerals of those who harmed them.

I did not attend my father's funeral, either. He was an abusive, full blown and diagnosed narcissistic histrionic who was obsessed with me since I was a tiny girl. He died locked down in the psych ward of a local hospital because he had threatened nurses with getting a gun and shooting them because they would not do what he wanted. He was in a typical narcissistic break with reality. Three days later, he raged himself into a fatal heart attack.

I have no regrets and had gone no-contact with him three years before he died.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

IF you go, stand or sit in the very back, just to be there with your mother's ashes. Get some food afterward, it's a great soul healer, and drive home. You don't owe anyone anything.

 

[ForestGumpett]

What you said is golden, seriously. I’ve got a “But” in the way of that gold. But if the people will still treat you terrible, should you really lay yourself out there? It’s twofold for me, not only would I be victimized again by these people (called Flying Monkeys when dealing with a nBPD person - some will get it some wont).

I won’t go to mine, but others have to do what is best for them. I wish I was more like you as you seem strong. I am also afraid these people will see me different now, I’m a good bit older now and have gotten frail. If the person is weak, is it a good idea? I do respect your opinion and liked what you said enough to print it.

Again, wish I were more like you.

When you get past all that you will realize that none of it matters.

People are who they are. Just as you are who you are. Everyone is is a product of their own past experiences and whatever genes they inherited. There is a lot less free agency in the world than we imagine. A lot of people lack empathy. Just a fact of life, like rain and heat. There were probably a few people who reached out to you and you didn't realize it or you were so deep into depression that you ignored them. Or rejected them out of cynicism. My younger years had a bit of that.

Angry people are obsessed with the past. Being angry will not change what happened but will ensure that you can't move forward in the present. You can resent your late loss of virginity or lack of multiple partners or that others didn't comprehend what you were going through or lacked empathy for you. Since the resentment clearly hurts you but is completely ineffective in changing what happened, I'd see a therapist with the intent of losing that resentment. (Took me decades to make any progress on my own.) You're holding onto a hot coal but even if you get an unlikely chance to throw it at someone, nothing will have changed and maybe even have gotten worse for you.

Oftentimes we hang onto the resentment because it becomes part of our self-definition. One is not just a person one is a resentful, victimized person - and you take on that role. That becomes your self image. It lets you feel superior to your victimizers and you imagine that somehow letting it all go invalidates the pain you've felt. Well, you shouldn't and it doesn't. Forgive them their trespasses, accept your own trespasses and then forgive yourself. Ain't nobody without sin.

You should go if you think there's something to be gained. Possibly even mend some fences. Or maybe you'd like a little Canadian vacation. I certainly would love to visit a place that isn't Death Valley lite.

Q

 

[ForestGumpett]

I’m so sorry. It sounded horrible and I do understand why you can feel that way even thought it’s not what most would call “Natural” to feel this way about a parent. Sorry I get it too. My mother is still alive and active. My father died a sweetheart but most of his life he was drunk, up until I was in my 30’s.

It’s my mother that is the tyrant. Like you, I’m having trouble just accepting the way of the parent. My husband said it the best, he said: “she never has respected you” and this is true. She keeps ppl around her that do not respect me either.

If my nieces have a big deal when she dies, and one is just like her and loves the drama, then no, no I won’t go. Sure it will hurt, hurts worse the other way. Dead ppl don’t know your at their service or not. My opinion, of course.

What to do?

I did not attend my father's funeral, either. He was an abusive, full blown and diagnosed narcissistic histrionic who was obsessed with me since I was a tiny girl. He died locked down in the psych ward of a local hospital because he had threatened nurses with getting a gun and shooting them because they would not do what he wanted. He was in a typical narcissistic break with reality. Three days later, he raged himself into a fatal heart attack.

I have no regrets and had gone no-contact with him three years before he died.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Y'all certainly give me some good insights. I think I can deal with things, especially when my mother tried her hardest to give me the world. How was I to know that it never occured to my family that I was so lonely. I guess that I had compensating behaviors, but fundamentally it was very traumatic to me. I just hate that this was my fault. I guess that I could find it in my heart to demonstrate care for my family.

 

[Au Naturel]

Of course l am going the reward route. Can you have something fun to do afterwards (the adams family get together)?

Like go check out a famous tourist attraction, take in a concert, find a sweet bed and breakfast place to hang for 2 days?

If you plan something fun afterwards, you can focus on that and reward yourself for emotional regulation. Just a thought. Be careful with anything hemp, l have heard people getting arrested with hemp products entering US.

And meds are cheaper in Canada, maybe a start Prozac a week before you leave and quit it the min you come back?

My understanding of SSRI antidepressants is that it can be weeks before you get their full effects. Once you are on them it takes weeks to taper off and there's a risk of becoming even more depressed during the process.I know that was my experience with Prozac. Should not be done without a psychiatrist's supervision. Antidepressants are a long-term commitment, not a short-term solution.

 

[Aspychata]

My understanding of SSRI antidepressants is that it can be weeks before you get their full effects. Once you are on them it takes weeks to taper off and there's a risk of becoming even more depressed during the process.I know that was my experience with Prozac. Should not be done without a psychiatrist's supervision. Antidepressants are a long-term commitment, not a short-term solution.

Thank you, l was kinda of just trying to think of anything. But you are quite right.

The museum idea sounds great and respects your mom's memories. Maybe you can talk about that at the funeral? How she motivated you in life. Then you sorta quash the naysayers trying to trash talk to you.

I went to my uncle's funeral, and people had the nerve to turn me into a garabage can to dump their thoughts about me. I was there for the funeral. But l got thru it.

 

[Au Naturel]

What you said is golden, seriously. I’ve got a “But” in the way of that gold. But if the people will still treat you terrible, should you really lay yourself out there? It’s twofold for me, not only would I be victimized again by these people (called Flying Monkeys when dealing with a nBPD person - some will get it some wont).

I won’t go to mine, but others have to do what is best for them. I wish I was more like you as you seem strong. I am also afraid these people will see me different now, I’m a good bit older now and have gotten frail. If the person is weak, is it a good idea? I do respect your opinion and liked what you said enough to print it.

Again, wish I were more like you.


Q

You're right that one should not put up with outright abuse. My thinking is that a funeral would probably be a time of truce as you focus on the loved one you lost. But maybe not. I've been at too many dysfunctional family affairs to think that people wouldn't bring up petty things from the past because they have not learned the lesson of letting go.

My thinking is that one proper response would be to frame it in terms of disrespecting the deceased. This is my mother's funeral and how dare you disrespect her by acting this way?

One alternative response which might be even better is, None of that matters anymore. You are free to live in the past if you wish. I'm looking to the future.

Or you could just smile and walk away. That might be the best of all.

 

[Au Naturel]

Y'all certainly give me some good insights. I think I can deal with things, especially when my mother tried her hardest to give me the world. How was I to know that it never occured to my family that I was so lonely. I guess that I had compensating behaviors, but fundamentally it was very traumatic to me. I just hate that this was my fault. I guess that I could find it in my heart to demonstrate care for my family.

Ok, back to the Buddhist philosophy.

The immature person says it is the fault of others. The mature person blames themselves. The wise person sees no point in laying blame or finding fault.