Should I stay or should I go? (That would make a good song title...)

[Ocarina]

yep its back in my mind, oh goody an earworm and for some bizarre reason i used to hear lyrics like a recording device- my mother was amazed, thats nearly a thing of the past

Earworming me now too.

Need to go into the discussion with the ex with super solid boundaries, and as someone said earlier on, a resolution not to bleed for him.

I find it difficult to meet men (or in fact people in general) I connect with and that makes it more difficult to leave when things are not working out. I'm always amazed how my NTfriends skip from one relationship to the next - it takes me aeons to bond to people and even more aeons to want to be physically close so it doesn't happen that often.

 

[Streetwise]

probably they DONT want a deep relationship so its easy
IVE been approached by one man i always say no its obviously not right for me
i dont make friends IM too suspicious now

 

[Bella Pines]

I second @Mia, only you can decide this, but there is no harm in listening.

Maybe he just wants a clean finish. Or if he wants to start something, remember you've been on this ride before so be clear with what is and is not acceptable. And drinking is on my no-no list. Maybe he just wants to chat. Either way, all the best!

 

[Ocarina]

I second @Mia, only you can decide this, but there is no harm in listening.

Maybe he just wants a clean finish. Or if he wants to start something, remember you've been on this ride before so be clear with what is and is not acceptable. And drinking is on my no-no list. Maybe he just wants to chat. Either way, all the best!

Thanks Bella - I know nobody can answer this except me - and as yet I don't have the evidence. I find it kind of tragic that some aspects of living on the autistic spectrum seem to preclude the ability to be comfortable and peaceful in intimate relationships. I really really want to be - and here, for the first time, is someone I feel could cut the mustard, but it's all so complicated.
I agree that drinking is on my no no list as well.
Isn't this all supposed to be easy?

 

[Ambi]

Hello
I'm a 48 year old aspie female, have been in a relationship with a man for the last five years - he's also on the spectrum, self diagnosed during the time we were together.
I posted on here a while back about our split - he became more and more distant as a result of worry re his daughter, school fees, an ex who he was incredibly angry with since she became pregnant against his wishes 13 years ago and he continues to feel trapped and controlled. Things reached the point where I felt that in his eyes I hardly existed - we saw each other less and less and the communication dwindled to a point where I just didn't feel connected any more. I kindly and calmly was honest with him about how I was feeling - that I needed more from him if we were going to stay together - he was also drinking heavily which contributed to the emotional "absence". His reply was something along the lines of "whatever you want". And, he disappeared.

I was struggling at the time with a teenage son with a drug problem, changing jobs, moving house and all that usual life jazz - I missed him horribly but picked myself up and life is OK now - I have let go of any blame and anger and began to build a new existence without him.

We have seen each other in passing now and then - and I felt aware that I couldn't waste my limited resources trying to fix him, change him, sort him out. Fast forward to now, 4 months after we went our separate ways - and he wants to meet to talk things through.

I don't know what to think - whether to risk subjecting myself to more pain, whether I should listen and be open? I'm afraid to get involved again as his disappearance was really painful. Having come this far maybe I should just let things go....

If he wants closure, maybe that would be fine. If it is part of this 12 step recovery for a drinking problem, then fine. If he wants to work things out, I wouldn't set foot into that without a counselor involved the whole way. To be honest, I personally wouldn't bother with it at all, but that is just me. I've never seen a drama-filled relationship switch to a peaceful one, rather the people who continue at it seem either hooked to or used to the rollercoaster ride. But we all live and we learn, so everyone needs to choose what will make them happy.

 

[Ocarina]

If he wants closure, maybe that would be fine. If it is part of this 12 step recovery for a drinking problem, then fine. If he wants to work things out, I wouldn't set foot into that without a counselor involved the whole way. To be honest, I personally wouldn't bother with it at all, but that is just me. I've never seen a drama-filled relationship switch to a peaceful one, rather the people who continue at it seem either hooked to or used to the rollercoaster ride. But we all live and we learn, so everyone needs to choose what will make them happy.

Thank you Ambi

I don't want to invite more hurt either - and that's why I am wary. I suggested involving a counsellor in the past and he couldn't see the point. In all honesty he couldn't see the point because he was quite happy with the status quo of me as loving, accepting, passive partner, - the fact that I was suffering from neglect seemed to be irrelevant and there was never a chance of discussing that either - it was pretty much "This is how it is" take it or leave it - and I left.

There was no drama per se - but only because I didn't create it openly. Nowadays I'm becoming better at choosing what really will make me happy and a re run of the previous relationship isn't on that list.

 

[Bella Pines]

Isn't this all supposed to be easy?

Oh yes, the collected works of Walt Disney state this quite clearly.

And when I clean the house, bluebirds fly around my head as I whistle. Then dive bomb anyone who comes near me...

But none the less, I remain hopeful and pray for your fairy tale ending!

 

[Ocarina]

Oh yes, the collected works of Walt Disney state this quite clearly.

And when I clean the house, bluebirds fly around my head as I whistle. Then dive bomb anyone who comes near me...

But none the less, I remain hopeful and pray for your fairy tale ending!

I didn't explain it very well but I have a gut feeling that when a relationship is right - healthy, it doesn't require the amount of mental effort and hidden drama that this one has. I don't mean easy in the happy ever after of the movies, I mean easy as in not stressful, no walking on eggshells, no painful withdrawals. Perhaps I am living in fairy tale land but I am ever hopeful that if as individuals we can take responsibility for our own failings, quirks, baggage - really our own happiness and our partners does the same, then it might be possible to relate to each other without the emotional trauma that has characterised this relationship. Maybe I'm dreaming.