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Should I tell my family that I have autism?

I understand the desire to share this with them. But this is a revelation that belongs in a healthy system, not a dysfunctional one.

From what you have said, it woukd be used as another way to bully you, I fear.

If we are the only one behaving like a member of a close, loving, and supportive family, we don’t have one. So we need to act on that truth.
 
I'm in a vaguely similar situation, and I stopped trying to tell them anything. I just be the person they pretend I am, and I don't see any reason to drive myself mad trying to change that. Good luck!
 
All these statements are true. Things is family can never seem to change the way they have always seen you. They think they know you, but they only know what they used to see you as and can never see past that.
 
Lysander said:
That's an astute observation. The truth is no, and that's probably why I feel like a burden. They are so wrapped up in their own problems that my very presence at home was dreadfully inconvenient.

But in the last year, I started talking to them again. I felt guilty for not being in contact for so long, which made it difficult. But now, I've been to visit them, and I've done some things to help my mom. Seeing my husband's family and how bravely he soldiers on around them inspired me to try making amends.

I'm afraid that I'm just fooling myself into believing that my family might accept the diagnosis as valid. Or, fooling myself that they might like me, even a little bit. But at the same time, I love my family immensely and all families have arguments to one extent or another. I just really for the life of me can't tell the difference, I can only guess what's really true for my family.

If I did something too well - they were jealous. If I failed - they hated me for being such a curse upon their lives.

it feels like they - all of them - choose to blame me.
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I see a few differences but so many similarities in our stories.

I grew up in a house where I was the family scapegoat, condemned if I did and condemned if I didn't. Mom was a rageaholic woman with Narcissistic Mother Disorder, who chose to take out her failures and frustrations and appalling upbringing on innocent children, and her codependant husband, who chose not to lift a finger to help any of us. This woman treated me and her son exactly as her mother had before her, as if daughters could do no right and sons could do no wrong. I tried so hard to please but I was the object of her rage and he the object of her obsession. She had everybody convinced that everything bad was always all my fault, getting rid of me was supposed to make everything perfect. Apparently it didn't.

Last year I got the following email from her son:
I don’t know where to start.....I’ve been dealing with this on some level for 15 years! Trying to “do the right thing.” Nothing I’ve done has worked and I don’t think anything will, they are done. I have my own issues as far as a relationship with them that I will one day share and it’s not unicorn and rainbows as you might be thinking. I have gotten to the point of dealing with anxiety attacks, going to see a heart specialist and dealing with deep depression, then that went on to effect my family. That’s where I put my foot down and said “MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY IN MY LIFE IS MY WIFE AND CHILDREN AND ANYONE OR ANYTHING THAT [verb deleted] WITH THAT IS TO BE DESTROYED AND LEFT BEHIND!!”

When he finally defied her by standing up for his family, she finally invited me into the fold, under the pretext of making amends. My husband and I started driving 100s of miles to go help her every month. Then we found out she was only using us to manipulate her son and the rest of her family back to their old patterns. They fell for it and I got scapegoated again. At least, for the first time, she was actually honest about her feelings and about how she never cared about anyone else's. She finally got around to admitting what's been painfully obvious since I was 9. She never wanted a daughter. She was quite clear that her mistreatment of her husband was how she chose to express anger at her husband for forcing things on her when she never wanted them. She accused me of being disrespectful for helping her do what she kept saying she wanted done. It was an awful scene but also a relief to realize I didn't need a family like that who would never accept me. I haven't been in contact with them since then. It still feels bad to be unwanted by the parents who are supposed to love you but some people are just too damaged by what happened before they even met you that they just can't.

The reason I'm saying all this is to illustrate what could happen when you open your heart up to a family you want so much to be a part of and it turns out that nothing has really changed and they still aren't going to treat you like you matter. You said you felt guilty and you visited them and you helped them and you started talking to them but you answered that you got nothing from them. I've heard people do change but well established family dynamics, not so much. Of course, every child is entitled to loving parents, but not everyone gets them, no matter what they do.

If they really do want to reconcile with you, Great! But it's a big risk. Do you really expect the same people who labeled you psychotic to respect you or understand your true diagnosis? Only you can judge if it's worth it to trust them now. Perhaps it would be using your best judgement to follow Judge's advice. Eyes open, be careful.
 
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It might be best not to tell them since they seem like the type who would use it as a weapon against you,I also have a strained relationship with my family and very few know that I am on the spectrum and I only tell someone on a need to know basis,sometimes it’s best not to say anything but I also know how hard it is to not say anything because I am a pretty honest person so if someone did ask me I would tell them the truth.
 
I cannot comprehend the difficulty of the situation you are in. It is not my place to tell you what to do but I can tell you what I think.

If you feel like you became close to them, I think you should tell them. Maybe tell them you want to have a psychology session with them, and let the psychologist help explain the diagnosis.
 
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