Should I try to get my Aspie back?

[Plumeria]

Hi Everyone,
It's been 10 weeks today since my boyfriend broke up with me and we have been in no contact since. I believe he is on the spectrum but I don't know for sure. I posted a thread about our relationship in September (NT needs advice RE: AS ex boyfriend | AspiesCentral.com so I won't talk about it here… but I am writing now because I'm finally not as emotional as I was then Still, I miss him and think about texting him EVERY SINGLE DAY and wish that we could have a second chance but I stop myself from reaching out for many reasons. I still hope that one day he will reach out to me but many of you said that if he is on the spectrum, even if he misses me and wants to be with me, he will probably not reach out… why is that?

Should I reach out to him? I'm finally feeling better and moving forward… I think I should just keep moving forward… I know that I want to be in a relationship with someone who WANTS to be with me but he broke up with me and hasn't reached out to me, which is obvious to me that he doesn't want to be with me (whatever his reasons are)… I just think I've made so much progress and maybe I shouldn't go backwards…

P.S. I still hope we will get back together so I am not ready to be friends, yet.

 

[Jakob Burto-Sundman]

He may want to be friends to. I have had relationships like this too. I remember being too confused by the social cues so I was not able to be boyfriend-girlfriend but I did mange to be friends at least so I think he may still want to be friends.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Hopefully everyone commenting on this thread will be those who were following the other threads so that they can put your question into context.
I'll be composing an answer, but it will take a while to write it all out.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I just think I've made so much progress and maybe I shouldn't go backwards…

But it wouldn't be "going backwards". Not at all. You've made so much progress in your understanding of him that a future relationship with him would be different-probably better-than the past one.
In one's life one can always be moving forwards. But sometimes one moves forward in new circumstances, and sometimes one moves forward in what, externally, seem like old circumstances (but one's interior understanding has progressed).

I'm not telling you what to decide, because, in the end, it is your decision. I'm just addressing some of the reasoning that you are presenting.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I know that I want to be in a relationship with someone who WANTS to be with me but he broke up with me and hasn't reached out to me, which is obvious to me that he doesn't want to be with me.

Can I be blunt here? How does the fact that he hasn't reached out to you make him any different than you, who also haven't reached out?
(continuing bluntness) this seems to be an extension of the mindset that women in general get into about men in general. Women seem to think that a guy not taking initiative means heàs "not interested". And they ignore the fact that they themselves (the women), despite being secretly interested, are not taking initiative either, and the guys behavior is not different than their own.
In my limited experience, Aspies are less likely to be thinking gender-role thoughts such as "It's the guy's job" than are most NTs.

 

[Plumeria]

Can I be blunt here? How does the fact that he hasn't reached out to you make him any different than you, who also haven't reached out?
(continuing bluntness) this seems to be an extension of the mindset that women in general get into about men in general. Women seem to think that a guy not taking initiative means heàs "not interested". And they ignore the fact that they themselves (the women), despite being secretly interested, are not taking initiative either, and the guys behavior is not different than their own.
In my limited experience, Aspies are less likely to be thinking gender-role thoughts such as "It's the guy's job" than are most NTs.

I appreciate the bluntness I understand your point that we BOTH have not reached out so we are in the same position… but my thoughts are, he broke up with me so it is what he wanted. Perhaps he is happier now without me in his life. Plus, remember his mom sent me an email that said I will find my "real" partner… that just resonates in my mind. Its as if she KNOWS there's no chance we can be together…

This is me catastrophizing …

 

[King_Oni]

My experience with situations like this; getting back together doesn't make it like it was. The relationship you had has been tarnished. If you both really wanted to stay together, you probably could've decided to just take a break.

(though I must confess I didn't read the initial thread about your break up; I might do it later and get back to it and maybe offer some more insightful advice).

 

[Ste11aeres]

I know that I want to be in a relationship with someone who WANTS to be with me

If you are hoping to meet someone else, in the beginning the person will not truly want to be with you. (Unless he's some sort of creepy stalker type who becomes obsessed with you without really knowing you.) In the beginning, the person will simply be exploring whether there is possibility.
True love develops only over time. Truly wanting to be together develops over time. (there can be initial infatuation early on, but that is shallow-rooted).
I think you should look upon the possibility of getting together with this guy as if you would be beginning a new relationship. Don't think of it as a continuation of an old relationship, but as the beginning of a new one. It is up to you whether to reach out or not, but doing so is no different than taking the risk of beginning a new relationship with someone else (except that in this case you would be starting out with an understanding of this man and his personality that you would not have with another new guy).

Also, I think he will not get back together with you unless he actually does want to be together with you. That's scary of course. It just means that you now can face the fear of possible rejection. I'm being a bit cruel here replacing one fear with another, the fear of being with someone who doesn't want to be with you can now be replaced by the fear of rejection.

The fact is that we don't know for sure what he is thinking. If you reach out to him, you might find out. If you don't reach out you will never know. The possibility of never knowing, and the possibility of knowing are both scary.

I guess my message is that it is really your decision. But it is a mistake to base your assumption upon the preconception that he doesn't want to be with you. (as his interior state is currently unknowable) Your decision should be based upon whether you want to be with him.

And the reality is, that if you hope to continue dating-whether it is dating him or dating other people-in either case, you will experience more pain and more fear, and if not with him, than with other people. Because that is an unavoidable part of relationships and dating, and is an unavoidable part of having feelings for someone.

 

[Ste11aeres]

P.S.
If you were to reach out, you should make it explicitly clear to him that you've gained a new understanding of him, and of his (Aspie) needs and that, in a good way, things will be different (with you having a bit more emotional independence?). Assuming that really is the case, of course.
Because otherwise, even if he secretly does want to get back together, he might be filled with too much fear that things will overwhelm him again, and that things will just turn out the way they did the first time.

 

[Ste11aeres]

And, obviously, such a discussion needs to be done when in a state of emotional calmness.
My Aspie best friend and I only discuss emotional matters when we are in a state of emotional calmness. (sometimes this means waiting until a wave of emotion has passed, and talking about that emotion in the past tense.)
NTs often talk about emotion or emotion-triggering situations in the very moment when they are swept up in a flood of that emotion. This tends to be overwhelming to us Aspies.

 

[May Black]

None of us can tell you whether you should attempt to contact him or not. I think what you really want from us is to tell you whether there is a chance that he might welcome you approaching him and be open to trying again.
Based on the information you gave us in the previous thread, I'd say the chances are he is, however, there is no guarantee. Make sure you are really ready for a possible rejection if you decide to approach him.

NTs often talk about emotion or emotion-triggering situations in the very moment when they are swept up in a flood of that emotion. This tends to be overwhelming to us Aspies.

The move hasn't been friendly to my nerves, so the other day I unleashed an emotional storm on my bf. Afterwards he sat for about an hour completely quiet, thinking, then he finally told me nothing I said made sense to him. I was so infuriated I felt like hitting him with a blunt object.

 

[Plumeria]

But it wouldn't be "going backwards". Not at all. You've made so much progress in your understanding of him that a future relationship with him would be different-probably better-than the past one.
In one's life one can always be moving forwards. But sometimes one moves forward in new circumstances, and sometimes one moves forward in what, externally, seem like old circumstances (but one's interior understanding has progressed).

I'm not telling you what to decide, because, in the end, it is your decision. I'm just addressing some of the reasoning that you are presenting.

Thanks Ste11aeres, I've been thinking about everything you wrote … what I meant by "going backwards" is that I've healed so much and I'm doing okay now. I'm afraid that if I reach out and get rejected I might have to start with healing all over again… that's why I wonder if I should just keep moving forward and accept that it's over.

 

[Plumeria]

I think you should look upon the possibility of getting together with this guy as if you would be beginning a new relationship. Don't think of it as a continuation of an old relationship, but as the beginning of a new one. It is up to you whether to reach out or not, but doing so is no different than taking the risk of beginning a new relationship with someone else (except that in this case you would be starting out with an understanding of this man and his personality that you would not have with another new guy).

I would love to start over again as if it was a new relationship with him. The difference with starting a new relationship with someone else is that I am not currently emotionally invested in that new person and I would not get as hurt if it didn't work out in the beginning. I am still in love with my ex, I miss him so much and want to be with him again, the possibility that he doesn't want me makes me very scared…. and I definitely know I'm not ready to date other people yet.

Also, I think he will not get back together with you unless he actually does want to be together with you. That's scary of course. It just means that you now can face the fear of possible rejection. I'm being a bit cruel here replacing one fear with another, the fear of being with someone who doesn't want to be with you can now be replaced by the fear of rejection.

The fact is that we don't know for sure what he is thinking. If you reach out to him, you might find out. If you don't reach out you will never know. The possibility of never knowing, and the possibility of knowing are both scary.

YES! Very scary! I guess I am the type of person who would rather not know I am stuck on the reasoning that:
1. He broke up with me … so why would I think that he wants to be back together if this is the decision that HE made?
2. He said he thinks we should see other people which means to me, he thinks HE should see/date other people, which also means to me, he doesn't want me.
3. If he wanted me back he would reach out… right?

I guess my message is that it is really your decision. But it is a mistake to base your assumption upon the preconception that he doesn't want to be with you. (as his interior state is currently unknowable) Your decision should be based upon whether you want to be with him.

YES, I want to be with him! But again, I don't think he wants to be with me because of the reasons I stated above

I read this blog and it explains why Aspies back off in relationships (which I totally understand) but after this happens how do we fix it? Life with Aspergers: Why do Aspies Suddenly Back Off in Relationships (Part 2) Is it up to me to open the lines of communication or is it up to him? What I don't understand is that… lets just say he did break up with me because he was overwhelmed and unhappy because I was unhappy, if he misses me now and wants to be with me… why wouldn't he reach out to me? What keeps an Aspie from reaching out?

And the reality is, that if you hope to continue dating-whether it is dating him or dating other people-in either case, you will experience more pain and more fear, and if not with him, than with other people. Because that is an unavoidable part of relationships and dating, and is an unavoidable part of having feelings for someone.

This is very true and I'm working on these fears of mine. I read a lot about relationships and dating and most of the books say that men will pursue you if they want to be with you. That as a woman, I should not waste my time on the men who do not show interest in me, that men who don't show interest are "not that into me." That's why I keep going back and forth on what I am suppose to do…

I apologize if I keep asking the same questions. I just love him very much and I'm stuck between respecting his decision and leaving things the way they are or reaching out and hoping that we can start over.

 

[Plumeria]

None of us can tell you whether you should attempt to contact him or not. I think what you really want from us is to tell you whether there is a chance that he might welcome you approaching him and be open to trying again.
Based on the information you gave us in the previous thread, I'd say the chances are he is, however, there is no guarantee. Make sure you are really ready for a possible rejection if you decide to approach him.

Thanks May, I am working towards getting to a point where I will be ready for possible rejection… Its hard for me and very scary.

The move hasn't been friendly to my nerves, so the other day I unleashed an emotional storm on my bf. Afterwards he sat for about an hour completely quiet, thinking, then he finally told me nothing I said made sense to him. I was so infuriated I felt like hitting him with a blunt object.

I hope things are better now

 

[Plumeria]

P.S.
If you were to reach out, you should make it explicitly clear to him that you've gained a new understanding of him, and of his (Aspie) needs and that, in a good way, things will be different (with you having a bit more emotional independence?). Assuming that really is the case, of course.

I don't think he know's he might be on the spectrum. I think he and his family believe his quirks are "just the way he is" and "he's not going to change." Now that I understand why he does certain things, yes, I think I am in a better position to handle them and not take things so personally.

Because otherwise, even if he secretly does want to get back together, he might be filled with too much fear that things will overwhelm him again, and that things will just turn out the way they did the first time.

Okay, so just like it's fear thats keeping me from reaching out, it could also be fear that is keeping him from reaching out too…

 

[Ste11aeres]

This is very true and I'm working on these fears of mine. I read a lot about relationships and dating and most of the books say that men will pursue you if they want to be with you. That as a woman, I should not waste my time on the men who do not show interest in me, that men who don't show interest are "not that into me." That's why I keep going back and forth on what I am suppose to do…

You know what? Most relationship/dating books and websites are "rubbish " (don't know why I felt the urge to use that particular word despite being American) and should be ignored.
Men can be shy or fearful or hide their interest just as easily as women.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Yeah, I understand, this whole things is scary.
Hugs, from us here.

 

[May Black]

I hope things are better now

I'm completely exhausted, but besides leaving the truck and washing the floor, we're done. Thank you

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, no matter what you decide.

 

[Plumeria]

I'm completely exhausted, but besides leaving the truck and washing the floor, we're done. Thank you

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, no matter what you decide.

I'm glad you are done

Thanks May, you all have been very supportive of me… I think I am going to text him on Thanksgiving and wish him and his family a happy holidays. We'll see what happens… hopefully I won't chicken out.

 

[Christy]

I'm sorry to voice a new opinion so late in the discussion, and that it won't be what you want to hear but...

Ten weeks is a long time. I read that it takes about three months to form and cement a new habit. And add to that is the whole "out of sight, out of mind" scenario which I've found to be common among aspies I've known. I don't contact my family for weeks on end, because they're just not there to remind me to call them.

I suggest texting him on thanksgiving is a great idea, just be prepared for him to be surprised to hear from you as he very well may have moved on emotionally.